Hello old friend, new followers and fellow bloggers-
I wish I could say that I’ve always had the right words to say, or that I was always confident to speak my heart, but that is not the case. I remember times, having so much to say but not knowing exactly how to translate my pain. I remember moments of feeling incredibly numb, lacking the motivation or the passion to write my truths. It’s crazy how pain makes us silent. It robs us the freedom of bold speech and instills within us the fear of being misunderstood or hurt again. So, to make sure we don’t experience pain again, we become silent. The last blow to my heart almost took me completely out emotionally. I remember doubting my words, my actions, my friendships, my family, my ability to be loved and to love. I remember the pain of betrayal gagging me. I remember word curses binding me, words such as “you’re not good enough.” “Oh really, you want to sing?” “Do you really think you can write that?” words uttered by those close to me: those I served with, those I called my Columbia family, those who were once my home. I was dropped as a daughter, dropped as a sister, dropped as a friend and it was at no fault of my own. So here I am, gagged by pain. What’s even more bizarre is that I served through it. I served through my pain. I gave through the pain. I danced in the midst of pain. I sang songs of victory while bound. I was mentally and emotionally at a standstill with God, numb by pain.
Over time, fear became my portion. I lived in fear because I saw life through the lens of regret. Regret causes us to doubt everything, to come to a standstill, to live in delayed obedience ( which is simply disobedience), and to become hesitant concerning everything. Regret turned into unforgiveness, and unforgiveness turned into bitterness except I was bitter against myself for opening up in the first place, for placing expectations upon people that did not have the capacity to carry me, for desiring community that I did not see that this community was more toxic than helpful and bitter for trusting my own instincts. In my mind, I couldn’t trust myself so I stopped advising, writing, singing, encouraging, and speaking. I became mute.
I went to Charlotte a few nights ago, a young woman began to pray for me and encouraged me to forgive myself. She said these words: “You have not been treated well as a daughter and God knows that it was not of any fault of your own. He wants to heal that heart pain where it concerns sonship.” I broke down in tears because for the first time in a long time, she saw my pain. She spoke to my pain and all the words I wanted to utter began to ooze out to the Lord. Her intentional prayers destroyed the gag of pain and released me to a place of tears and healing. I’m oozing with words because pain no longer binds me. I am free to express my heart and I’m healed to share the story of my pain with each of you!
Friends, I don’t know where each of you is in life. Some of you may be like me: serving through pain, some may be experiencing pain now and some of you may be alright and that is great! For those who were feeling like me, I want to remind you that God sees you. He knows all about your pain. He knows what they did. He knows what you experienced. He invites you to forgive, to open yourself to his healing voice and he invites you to freedom from heart pain. He wants you to ooze with words of life, no longer gagged by painful experiences. I pray that he speaks to you and that you will be healed!
“Kind words are like honey, sweet to the soul” Proverbs 16:24