Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers-
My thoughts are hot of the presses and I’m excited to share with you the raw, the real and the now. Today was all about cleaning. I recently moved home to prep for my next, but for the last three weeks or so, I’ve been sleeping with boxes all around me. Clothes are strewn all over the floor as my anxiety is increasingly heightened by not being able to find what I want to wear. Tucked in a corner is a plastic bag full of paper: scriptures, prophecies, business cards, song lyrics, and other pages are all gathered in a messy heap ready to be sorted by yours truly.
As I reached my hand into the bag, I pulled out a letter I wrote to God about five years ago. This letter was one of gratitude, thanking Him for always being with me and for showing me the road ahead. At the end of the letter, I began to thank God for my ex, the possibility of our children (what we discussed together) and the businesses we would run as we took over the world for good. I was thanking God for the life I thought He commissioned for me, the life I thought I would live. Fast forward five years, and I do not have that life. I am not with that person anymore, I do not have any children and those businesses do not exist. My life now doesn’t match the hope for my life in that letter. It’s crazy how things change. Who knew that 11 mos ago, I would enter into a season of singleness, would forsake all desire for children and would find myself trying to figure out what I was going to do. Once upon a time, I was so sure, now I’m peering into the future like “God is this really for me? “Can we actually do this?” Can we actually dream again about this buried desire: the desire to be both wife and mother. Can we return here? In gentleness, He whispers “Yes. Yes, we can.” “We can revisit this place in your heart, my love, do not be afraid.”
“But How?” my hearts screams out. “How can we return to a place I never got to. I almost got there, I thought I was there but I failed… I never got there.” In love, He grabs my hand and whispers, “Your only failure would have been to marry someone who was never designed to love you. To procreate with someone who did not have the capacity to be a father and to enter into a business partnership with someone with no integrity. Babygirl, you did not fail. You succeeded! For you chose your future over your present and you chose what was hard over what was easy. You said Yes even though the cost was your heart. You, my dear, can return to this place…”
Today, I look at the letter as an obituary of the life I thought I would live. I mourn the union someone promised, the blueprints for businesses I envisioned and the picture-perfect family described. I mourn what I thought I needed to be complete, to be whole. I mourn what I thought I wanted to secure happiness. I have found that my “Yes” to God has always been the answer. I’ve found that my ability to walk away from what I prayed for is what makes me brave, my ability to be grateful in the new, in the unknown is what gives me strength and my sweet surrender is what makes me His, and His alone. I cry as I reflect on the past but I am so hopeful for the future, because anything we give up for Christ including our dreams, He returns it 100 fold in this lifetime and the life to come. I don’t know why I am sharing my process with you. I wish I had some neat and tidy ending that describe this perfect healing process but I don’t. All I have is the truth, and the truth is God is good even when our hearts are broken. God is good even when plans change. God is good even when we don’t understand our way. In every season, in every moment, He is good and that in itself is worthy of a simple ‘Thank you!”
He’s good, He’s God and because I’m His, I am going to be okay.