Am I Wasting My Time?

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers-

Happy Friday! In true Simone style, here’s a little disclaimer. ****Warning: The content you are about to read are some of my inner thoughts and musings. Some of these statements have been in the making for the past few weeks and trust me, it is about to get deep. *****

So, let us began…

During the last third of the year, I enter into reflection-mode. I begin to reflect on my personal growth (inner healing, faith and self-love/esteem), my relational growth (the health of all friendships, romantic relationships, business partnerships and mentorships), my financial growth (knowledge, dividends, share in stocks, credit, etc.), and business growth (books sales, commissions, business opportunities and the like.) If I was a presumptuous individual, I would state that this process is easy-peezy. Well, it is not. In fact, it is one of the most difficult things that I set out to do. To be utterly raw and honest with oneself requires more courage than what we give people credit for. I sit in a mirror and for four months, I look at all things pertaining to me.

This year I discovered a lot about myself. Some good, some bad, and some indifferent but nevertheless there has been plenty of discovery. Here’s the honest truth: like many of you, I faced insurmountable bouts of pain. Instead of healing fully, I placed all of my energies into things that I could control: my work and my cashflow. I poured my life into my own goals and projects to supplement all that I as facing relationally. To counteract the lack of loyal, steadfast, and present community- I worked and I did a great job. Won cases. Broke into another tax bracket. Wrote books. Sold Books. All good moments, awesome content for my socials but what the public did not see was that this year I was incredibly lonely. I was jaded, not knowing who I could trust.

Over time, you get tired of being broken people’s revolving door. A presence of healing for everyone but yourself. An endless resource where people take instead of give. Afterwhile, the fake familial terms of “sis”, the lies of loyalty and godly-designed relationship leaves a bitter taste in one’s mouth. You start to shut down. This security process is not apparent but the guards you have worked so hard to put away, retain their post around your heart and walls slowly but surely began to be built. I was always an open person but overtime, I became a skeptic. A doubter of humanity loving without agenda, loving without the infliction of pain. My light started to dim, my hope began to fade.

I bet many of you are asking: “But, are you not a Christian?” To which I would reply- Yes. Yes, I am. I discovered that sometimes you can love God, but become disenchanted with those He made. Disappointed might be a more appropriate word. I was both.

Friends, I told my sister the following words:

I want to give humanity a second chance. I want to be open and expectant of all that is good to come. I want to connect with new individuals without the fear of betrayal or breach of trust on the horizon. I want to know that I am safe.

This morning, a friend of mine asked what I wanted for my birthday (Jan.11 for all whose curious. Cashapp ya girl $SimoneHolloway 😂) and I did not know what to tell her, but sitting here now penning this letter to each of you, I know exactly what I want. I want the list I provided above: I want to know with certainty that I am making the right choice in those I choose for me. I want to be chosen. I want to know that I am safe in the presence of those that state their love for me. These things are not sold on Amazon.

Maybe we are alike… on the same journey to wellness and all things new. Maybe my confessing gave you the freedom to do the same . I chose to share my truth with you to let you know that you are not alone, that healing is worth the process, and that to choose the betterment of you is always a worthy cause.

So, am I wasting my time by starting again? Am I wasting my time by becoming filled with hope? Am I wasting my time by looking for that which is good? Am I wasting my time by tearing down the walls?

The answer to these questions and so many more, will always be a resounding no.

Wishing you endless love and light,

Simone

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