Steadfast Love

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers- 

I’m gearing up for the end of the semester.  I thought that I reached a place above adversity, one where I could not be touched by the cares and concerns of the world.

Friends, in all honesty, I became comfortable.  Adversity has this amazing way of keeping one in conscious awareness of their need for God.  It’s like when I’m in trouble, I am more aware of my need for Him. Sad, but true.  So, I became comfortable and I knew I needed Him but my desperation for His presence began to wane and I continued to live life for me.

I believe that God loves us so much that He shakes up our world to causes us to become aware again.  It’s like, He doesn’t want us to ever come to this place where we think we don’t need Him.  Can you imagine loving someone but treating them as if they weren’t necessary?  I believe we treat the Lord this way.  We love Him but we live life as if He’s not necessary.  Long story short, the floodgates opened and adversity hit like a neverending wave.  I mean… a neverending wave!  From school complications to my automobile to concerns with my mental health to the most recent trial the lost of both my sister’s (my roommate) and I’s jobs.  It was as if lost came just in time for the holidays and we’re in this familiar position of needing him, a position that forces our hand into trust.

I thought I trusted God.  I did.  I thought I understood His love for me, this notion that because He loves me He wouldn’t leave me without.  Yet, my heart became increasingly full of fear and anxiety wrapped me in a bear hug as to say “Welcome Home!” Even in the midst of my perceived weakness, He never changed.  He loved me with a steadfast love.  You know, as I get older I understand more and more that life is full of change.  One day we’re at the top, the next we’re at the bottom.  One day we have it all, one day we have nothing.  One day we believe with all our hearts and the next we are full of fear and doubt.  In all the highs and lows, His love is steadfast – it doesn’t change.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23 ESV

So, how do I respond to the only consistent thing in my life?  With gratitude.  I respond gratefully for such a love that I don’t deserve.  I respond with a heart to love others with such intention and consistency.  I know that I will make mistakes along the way but the least I could do is try.  Friends, I am loved well by a God that could choose any day not to love me.  Yet, He chooses me every single time. He chooses you and that is simply beautiful.  I pray that you all do not become afraid with the presence of adversity, that you are full of the love of God.  I pray that you all have a deep awareness of God’s goodness and rest in your eternal need for Him.  I pray that you are filled to the brim with love.

May you rest in His faithfulness, may you bask in His love. 






Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

Last night I realized that I have a tendency to sabotage the good things in my life.  It’s like I’ve lived my life for so long being unhappy that now that I am happy, it’s weird and I start playing the game of sabotage to make things comfortable.  That shows you the path of the life, I’ve lived.  It’s a shame that I’ve experienced so much pain, that I am comfortable wallowing in it.  I am comfortable with a broken heart because, brokenness is something that I am used to.  I am comfortable with people being dishonest with me, because dishonesty is something I am used to.  I am comfortable with the feelings of rejection and abandonment, because these feelings are the same feelings I have dealt with since I  was  a child.  Some things never change and I realized that as soon as things are getting good and I am experiencing an inkling of happiness, I start to sabotage.  I start to ruin what I have because if I destroy what I have first, then what I have placed my love, hope and trust in doesn’t have the chance to destroy me.  

All of my life, what I have placed love, trust and energy into has destroyed me so I protect myself by sabotaging my right to happiness.  I do!  I am a preemptive saboteur.  This has to change and it has to change quickly, because I can’t continue to push people away and destroy relationships because of my fear that something can actually work out for me.  That I can love and actually be loved back without consequence.  I have to stop sabotaging- I have to!

So last night, I talked to God about my desire to destroy everything good in my life, including my relationship with Him.  How do I began to destroy everything?  I start by destroying myself. I speak negative words and I tear myself down.  I spent so many years of self-deprecation that it takes nothing but a few moments to tear down my self-esteem.  I make myself believe that I don’t deserve happiness and that I don’t care anymore about anything- including myself.  Then I engage in a behavior or action of sin that separates me from God.  God is my source of happiness, so how do I destroy my happiness? I separate from God.  After I separate my heart from His, I separate from those He has given me.  Being that good relationships come from God and I don’t deserve good relationships, I make up excuses of how I can end these relationships- how I can walk away and never look back.  I’m a runner so after I sabotage- I  run, I disappear and I Isolate myself away from the world.  In my saboteur’s thinking I am destined to be alone and therefore I do whatever it takes to make sure that becomes true.  This mindset is twisted but it’s real and there are people all around the world who delve into the same pattern, crippling themselves from being happy.

I talked to God and I asked Him to help me with this issue.  The first step of change is getting over the denial that there is a problem.  We must be honest with ourselves and God before we can experience true freedom.  I asked him to uproot these fears out of me and to take away this fear of rejection and abandonment.  I asked Him to make me a better person and to help not sabotage myself.  The fact of the matter is, I have great people in my life who love me dearly and I should be loved.  I deserve the right to be loved deeply.  I can’t continue to ask for good in my life and then sabotage it- I have to embrace and wallow in good/good things.  So today, as I continue to walk out my deliverance, I can honestly say that I have no desire to harm myself.  I used to harm myself with this thinking to hide the fact that I was hurting and that I needed to be healed.  But today, I can honestly say that I have no desire to sabotage my happiness, future, relationships, etc.  I want to be happy and I believe that I can be because God says I can.

Y’all keep me in your prayers as I walk this thing out.  I refuse to live a life of sabotaging myself 🙂 Thanks!

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

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