It has been awhile and I am making some big decisions this year. I am trying to decide whether or not I should be with someone even though I know that the relationship will take work and an endless dose of mercy and compassion, not to him but to all of those who will judge me and him (aka the haters). It’s one thing to date a person and it’s another to date their families, communities, expectations of who you should be and etc. *hyperventilating* It’s a lot of pressure, reach for paper bag here . I’m absolutely terrified, so scared that if someone sneaked up behind me right now – I might pee my pants, just a little. lol. It’s a crazy thought that once you give your heart to someone- news flash* that’s not it, you still have more work to do. I was just looking for something easy, less complicated, something I can easily get into and easily out of if something seems to go wrong. I wasn’t looking for something deep or labor intensive, just something I can say I’m “into” with no kind of serious attachments. The problem is, family and friends, I’m attached-at the depths of my heart. If I detach myself from this relationship, I might bleed to death. Yes, I’m being slightly over dramatic but that is how I feel. I feel like detachment hurts me more than attachment, but does the hurt make me run to commitment – I don’t know about all of that. The thing is friends, I committed before. I committed so much, I decided I wanted to marry the dude – but we didn’t work out. We never made it down the aisle to the altar. He was supposed to be the love of my life, the one and only for me yet that failed. My one true commitment failed, miserably. So what do I do now? I shy away from commitments. I run from the idea of a man loving me forever, I run fast. When it seems that a guy is falling in love with me and wants to build a true relationship with me, I run. I put my schooling first, my career first, and even my faith. Yes, I’m guilty- I use the God card. “I can’t date you right now because I am focusing on my relationship with God” , which is all good, dandy, and true but the underlying factor of my rejection is fear. I am afraid that as soon as I give my heart to someone, they are going to leave me- high and dry. That’s exactly what my ex did. I’m afraid that as soon as I commit and the chase ends, the guy is going to realize that he isn’t interested in me and break up with me. I am sorely afraid. The problem is, I used fear to keep me from getting hurt, but in reality it has done nothing but hurt me. The pain comes from wanting to pursue something but instead sabotage that pursuit because of fear. Being afraid -can screw a person over, it really can. Fear can cause a person to be paranoid about the small stuff in hopes that the individual will never get to place to experience the big ticket items in the game we call love. Fear can ruin a person’s life and destroy a person’s ambition. Fear is bad!
God does not want us to live our lives afraid. He doesn’t want us to be afraid of our future, our successes, our failures and other’s expectations of who we should be. We cannot live our lives in fear, sabotaging what could be because of what was. The past is the past, we can not relive it nor can we stop living because of it. We have to move forward, we have to live fearless. So join me, if you can, in living a fearless life. A life of no regrets, no what-ifs, a life of excitement and expectancy, a life with no fears.
Until next time,