Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-
Today is “Freedom Friday”, which means I am going to feature a story of freedom for ya’ll. Today is a little different in that I feature my own story, today I speak of my own freedom! I thought I would share this story with you all further along in the future but I feel like today is the perfect time to share with you all my story, my heart.
We all have our struggles, some we have carried with us from childhood– from the time of our youth. Ever since I could remember, as a child I always felt out of place– like I did not fit into the world around me. I always felt lonely, unloved and as if I lacked true value. I had such low self-esteem and would participate in destructive activities to get rid of the pain that I felt on a near daily basis. This grip of loneliness turned into depression and this cyclical depression formed into suicidal thoughts and ideations. Unlike some who experience these thoughts and feelings, I grew up in church. I grew up hearing on a regular basis that Jesus loved me, but I never truly believed that He did. I saw God as wanting to have nothing to do with me, but rather just merely tolerating me. I trusted no one. I didn’t even trust my parents and I began to isolate myself into my destructive thoughts, allowing myself to experience a deeper level of torment everyday.
Every day, I would think “You are invisible, no one wants you so no one would miss you if you were gone!” or “What are you living for, you’re worthless so why not die?” I could feel the grip loneliness like a boa constrictor slowly squeezing around me, as if in any moment I wouldn’t be able to breathe and just die.
Like a cold that just would not go away, I could feel cyclical depression following me. It wouldn’t leave my side. When I woke up, it rose with me. When I lied down to go to bed, it would invade my sleep and my dreams. It was bound to me and there was nothing I could do.
Again, I would go to church and hear the preacher talk about God’s love setting us free but I wouldn’t believe it, how could an all perfect God love a messed up person like me? His perfection, in my thinking, hindered His love for me. I couldn’t believe in a message that was so simple. All my life, I felt like I had to earn love. I had to do something for someone to love me. I had to be perfect, or be kind, or be the best person possible to have love reciprocated to me- so for me to have to do nothing seemed like it wasn’t genuine, this love couldn’t be real.
I remember sitting by my bedside, praying to God but not believing that He heard me. I said “God if you are listening, take the pain away- make my life worth living!” I got up off of my knees and began to cry because I thought that the hopelessness I was in was my destination for an eternity. My relationship with God was so shallow and I did not have the courage at the time to be honest with Him concerning anything. I didn’t trust people so I definitely didn’t trust God. I didn’t trust that He could make my heart whole, or that He could take away my feelings of loneliness, worthlessness and insignificance. I didn’t trust in His power or in His love.
I sat in my room floor, crying my eyes out about my life when I heard His still small voice whisper to me in my pit...”I still love you!” He said. “Even though you have a hard time believing in Me, and you have so many doubts, I still love you.” God spoke to my heart “I’m in this for the long haul, My love lasts forever.” Immediately, I knew I had a moment with God and I yearned for more moments such as the one I experienced. I learned that hearing God’s word but not believing it does nothing for one’s soul. Jesus says in Matthew 28:20 “And Lo, I am with you always, even until the end of the world” According to the Word, I was never alone but I had to believe that for it to take effect. John 3:16 says.”For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son; that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life” . God loved me so much that He gave His most prized possession, His Son, to die for my sin. He loved me so much that He created a way for me to have an intimate relationship with Him. I had to believe that, I had to.
For years, I struggled with the grip of loneliness- but now as I sit and write to you, I can honestly say that I am free.
I am free from the feelings of needing someone to be in my life. I am free from the suicidal thoughts. I am free from the cyclic depression. I am free from thoughts of worthlessness and insignificance. I am free.
I know now in my heart of hearts that I am deeply loved by the Lover of my Soul, and nothing can change that. I know now in my heart of hearts that I mean something to God and that my life is precious/valuable. I know now in my heart of hearts, who I am and how special I am to God.
I am free from the struggles of my past, from the torments of my childhood and I can move on in my life. I am free to trust myself, my friends and my family. I am free to trust my judgement and to open my heart again to love. I am free to love. While I was hurting, I closed myself off- I couldn’t love. I couldn’t trust. Now that I am whole, I am free to trust and to love and to think highly of my value here on the earth. God loves me and He has never stopped loving me, even when I was in the “pit” and couldn’t see my way out, He still loved me. I am free!
So if you suffer from the things I mentioned in today’s post and you can identify with me, I want to let you know that you can be free too! You can be free! You can be free to love, trust, smile, be happy again. You can be free from the thoughts of suicide and the torments of loneliness. You can be free! I can’t make you free, but I know someone who can and He has done wonders for me. I want to introduce you to the Lover of my soul, Yeshua aka Jesus, He has all the power to set you free with His love. His love will set you free!
If you ever need to talk, please email/ message me! i’m always here and I love you all– Happy Freedom Friday!
Until next time,