Shades Down, Lights Off

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers

I’m not okay.  At all.   Not even close.  I think for a long time, I painted this face of being always happy but I’m not happy not one bit and the more I think about it the more I want to reveal exactly where I am.  There’s a saying that those who can’t, teach.  I’ve invested my whole life into loving people well because I sought to be loved well.  I’ve invested my whole career into advocating for people because I know exactly what it feels like to not have anyone advocate for me.  I push community on others because I would be rich if I had a quarter for every time I felt alone.  In fact, I feel alone now.   I wish I could change that thing about me, I wish I could say I had more good days than bad but truthfully that’s not the case.  Even now, though the sun is outside and it’s beauty is radiating… I’m in my room the shades down and the lights off, wondering if I can really do this thing called life.  It took me twice as long to figure out if I was going to church this morning because it took me a solid hour and some change to figure out if I still wanted to continue breathing.  Like, if I disappeared off the face of the planet, would it really matter?  If my presence disappeared from my apartment, my school, my church or my job- would anyone actually care?  At this moment, I understand so deeply what Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain felt, to be surrounded by people that don’t know you, who are oblivious to the inward turmoil that you’re facing because they assume by your success, position, gifting and outward garments that you’re okay.

I’m done pretending that my faith has positioned me on some pedestal, and I’m over pretending that there are no days when I want to let go.  Today was one of those days… the idea that I have to be strong is overrated and the fact of the matter is: I need God as much as you do. In fact, I need Him now!  I need him to sort out the messiness of my mind, I need his help to break destructive patterns, I need his love to soothe the pain.  I need him now and I refuse to live another day hiding my feelings for the conveniences of others.  It’s okay to not be okay.

Xoxo,

Simone

Come Home

I was sitting on the floor, interceding for those I love. When felt this strong unction from above- to start a different kind of  prayer.  It’s rare, how on a Friday night, one filled with horror and fright- I am on my knees.  I use my favorite word “please” as I enter into the presence of the Father.  Like none other, He informs me of world current events- things that don’t make sense but are happening now.  I raise my brow, but out of submission target my prayers to this new found news. What was I to do? Simply pretend that I didn’t hear your name, even though it was just in the same category of those I was praying for.  My heart became sad, my nose sore as tears washed down my face.  I wanted to simply erase what I knew.  That it a was you, contemplating suicide on this dreary night too.  I sat on my prayer blanket, afraid to utter your name because then it would become true.  So I prayed for the young man I thought I knew.  I cried harder, hoped farther than I’ve hoped before.  That in the middle of this sore- situation; you would hear my voice.  That maybe you would make the choice to be on the earth with me. And not just to be here, but be free.  I asked that the Father would allow you to hear my spirit talking to yours, as I tried to cease the war between your soul and spirit.  I don’t know if you could hear it, but that still small voice was mine- stretching beyond time, hoping for another chance.  To advance love where there was none.I hoped that your mind wasn’t made up that the action wasn’t done.  I lowered my head and wished to see you where you were, not trying to cause a stir but I wanted to know what to say exactly to you.  After all you’ve been through, a general “suicidal prevention” speech wouldn’t be sufficient. I had to utilize this limited time of being omniscient, to speak directly to your heart.  It was so dark, both what was inside and out.  Light seemed to be blocked by the darkness of doubt, in your mind you thought today was your last day.  I had nothing to say, as I looked at your silhouette- death sat waiting to fulfill its threat.  It looked as if I could have been in your living room, I didn’t know where to stand.  There was a letter on the table and a revolver in your hand. Tears streamed down your face as you thought about what was to come.  Someone had the nerve to say that on the Earth, you was nothing but the scum.  The lies that your ears were tortured to hear, I wish that I could have had you near-me.  I looked at you, not knowing if you saw me.  I had to speak to you, I had to see- if my words would bring you life, the same as yours have brought me. At first I spoke timidly. “Honey, it’s me- if you hear my voice, know you are necessary!” “My love for you goes on for eternity, I need your presence on the Earth to be.” You looked up as if you could hear me say, all the words you wished someone told you today.  Your eyes bore into mine, and you squinted to see if I was real.  Your spirit longed for my spirit to be there, you wanted to heal.  So I took a step further and I continued my speech to you.  I had to say these words as if it was the last thing I do.  “Baby come home, come home to me.”  You said “I can’t! Just let me be. This is the only way out.” I wanted to scream and shout, but instead I simply said: “The only way out is Jesus.  He’s the only way.” “Things will get better, even if it doesn’t look like it today.”  I promised you better days, I even guaranteed my life.  My love for you is so strong, I didn’t have to think about it twice.  “Come Home, come home to me.”  “Come home, come home with the Father so you can be free!.”   You lowered your weapon and dried your eyes, but by that time I was gone- I was no longer a spy.  I don’t know how things ended, what happened the rest of the night.  All I know is that I have a feeling that concerning you, everything is going to be alright.  Don’t blame yourself for my knowing, for me coming to the rescue.  I’m full of love and compassion, I’m still the girl you once knew. I love you.

©Simone Holloway, 2015

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The Night I Planned To Kill Myself

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

So… today I thought I would discuss something that is dear to my heart and that is depression and suicide.  As you may or may not know, I struggled with depression as a child and an adult until a about a year 1/2 ago.  I was suicidally depressed since I was eleven years old as a result of the aftermath of very bad events in my life.  I don’t write these things to you seeking  attention or some type of pity, but rather I write to let those who read this blog (that struggled like I did) know that you are not alone.  I think the Enemy gets us because he causes us to believe that we are alone.  I’ve attempted suicide 4 different times, the majority(3) being in my childhood.  I hated life and the essence of it because I felt utterly alone in this world.  I could be in a sea of people and still feel alone.  I felt invisible and that I was merely existing, that I wasn’t necessary for the world.

The last time I dealt with severe depression was during my senior year in college.  I got into a wreck that was supposed to end my life, September 12, 2013.  I think I blogged about that experience the day after, but either way the EMS and the hospital told me that I should have died on impact.  I was supposed to die.  The crazy thing about all of this is that, instead of feeling grateful for another chance at life- I felt so guilty that I as alive.  I knew so many “great” people that got into accidents that were not as bad as mine and died, yet I, an “okay” person got off from meeting death.  The wreck changed me and I lost my joy.  I lost the light that was inside of me. I felt dead on the inside and I was walking around campus waiting for death to meet me again. Except, this time- I longed for death to win and to release me of the misery I felt here on the earth.   When you lose all of your hope, joy, and peace- not living becomes an appealing choice.  The Enemy has a way of destroying us from the inside- out when we fall into the belief of his lies.  He slowly suffocates us and then once we lack breath, he gets us to destroy ourselves.  I saw myself slowly destroying me.

I couldn’t sleep.  Every time I went to close my eyes, I would see my accident.  I was scared to drive, scared to walk across streets and every day the enemy would tell me – “today is the day you die” , “I’m going to get you today.”  Demons would laugh at my misery and torment me for being alive.  So one evening, I was in my room in my apartment- my roommates were out and I was so sad.  I sat on my floor and I told God that I wanted to sleep forever,  I had some prescription pills for pain and I knew that if I took just the right amount, I would sleep and never get back up.  I made up in my mind that I wasn’t leaving anyone behind.  I didn’t think about my family, who loved me a lot or my church family who cared about me- I only thought about myself and my torment and I wanted relief.  I poured the whole bottle of pills into my hand and I stared at them, I counted to three and I just couldn’t… It was as if something inside of me wouldn’t allow me to follow through.  I cried and cried, I cried so much my floor was soaked from my tears.

All I wanted was peace… all I wanted was to not be afraid to sleep at night.  I just wanted  to be loved.  I wanted to truly live.

In that moment, the Holy Spirit began to sing to me “ I am yours, you are mine.” He sung to me in this rich tenor and I cried as I felt Him envelope me in His love.  He spoke sweet nothings in my ear and He filled me with hope for the future.  He told me that I was necessary and that He needed me here on the earth.  God saved my life that night, His love changed me from the inside out- He made me come alive.  I threw out those prescription pills and even to this day I don’t take prescription pills/medication at all, as a reminder of that night.  I promised that night that I was going to free fall into the love of God and that I was going to love others freely.  I promised that I was going to forgive quickly and not let the hardships of life get me back to that place of depression and suicide.  I made a promise to God and I held myself accountable to how I reacted to things around me.  I haven’t dealt with depression/suicide since that evening.  

Do I get sad sometimes? Oh course!  But then I put a praise on my lips and I look to God who is my joy.

So today… i thought I would share something very personal with you to let you know that you are not alone.  You are not the only one that have dealt with things like this and you will not be the last, but the One that saved me can rescue you and bring you peace.  He makes you complete and His love sets you free.  He is peace, He is love, He is joy and He extends himself to you this evening!  He extends Himself to you!!!! 

If you want to talk to me or have any questions…feel free to fill out my “Wanna contact me form.” on the other page above.  You can always Facebook message me, Tweet me, or even email me @ authenticlove789@gmail.com.  I am praying for you and I love you guys dearly.  Remember that you are necessary not only to God but to your friends and family.  Your presence on the earth is very important.  I ❤ YOU!

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

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Faster Than A Speeding Bullet

Some might say I exaggerate,
That I am prone to stretch the truth;
But this person I’m going to talk about,
I promise I met him in my youth.
He was a middle- aged man,
With the most unique pieces of attire.
Love and compassion were his garments,
Truth surrounded him like fire.
When he walked by my side,
He glowed like a bright light.
His words moved mountains,
He had authority and might.
This is how I came to know him,
It was a dark and dreary day.
I was so lonely,
My heart had nothing to say.
So I decided to end it all.
To make my life disappear.
I needed a way out,
I needed to escape my fear.
So… I let my mind wander,
I let myself hope to die.
That’s when he came into my room,
Took my heart before I could say goodbye.
He sat in front of me,
Like a father sits in front of a child.
He cradled me and caressed my soul,
While binding the demons in me that were unruly and wild.
I sat there in shock,
As his love surrounded me
This man was my hero,
He had set me free
Now I was free
My hero didn’t own a cape,
He didn’t have a secret identity.
My hero was the Son of God,
Born in obscurity.
His superpower was love,
Deeply rooted in truth.
Now that I’ve tasted of his goodness,
I desire his presence like a sweet tooth.
Faster than a speeding bullet,
Brilliant like a flash of light.
My hero is Jesus Christ,
He is filled with grace and might.
©Simone Holloway, 2015
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Dead Man Walking

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

Yesterday I posted one of the most depressing article known to man.  I felt dead on the inside, numb and just plain exhausted.   Have you ever been in a place emotionally where it seemed like to feel was the worst option ever?  Like it hurts to feel?  I was in that place, a dead man walking and just going through the motions because I had to- never really expressing the deep hurt that was in my heart.  I was so angry with God, angry that my life wasn’t turning out the way I imagined, angry that I kept experiencing hurt from those I have given love to  and angry that no one could see that I was dead- a dead man walking.  I was just plain angry; sitting in  a church that was telling me to hope and believe, that God understood how I was feeling, that everything was going to work out.  As I sat in the church, I became more angry…I became so infuriated that I refused to worship.  I refused to pray or praise or give thanks- I did not want to be connected to God.  I did not want to have anything to do with Him.  Like a professional, I slowly disconnected my spirit from Him- I was committing suicide, I wanted to die. 

It’s crazy how in our dark times, we realize what we are made of.  It’s in the moments of hopelessness that we understand the gift of hope, in sorrow we understand joy and in chaos we understand the importance of peace.  It’s not until we are dead in our spirits that we seek to live more than ever before.  I wanted to heal but was broken so bad, I didn’t think I could be whole.  I wanted to live but I thought I was too far gone for a resurrection.  I wanted to be happy but I made sadness apart of my daily routine, the coat that shielded me from the world,  I wanted nothing to do with God but He wanted everything to do with me…

Out of His love and compassion, He came by my side and poured His love on me.  He helped me to let go of all the hurt , He touched my heart and He loved me.   He made me come alive!

I realized yesterday that I don’t want to pretend in life.  I don’t want to say I’m okay when I’m not, I don’t want to smile when I’m crying on the inside.  I’m tired of battling things behind closed doors, the demons of loneliness and rejection that comes to kill me and muffle my voice. So yesterday, I didn’t wear the mask of the “have- it-all-together” church girl, I was honest and I became free,  True freedom comes through honesty. Keep your eyes open because they may be some around you who are dead men walking

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

The Grip of Loneliness ( My Story)

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

Today is “Freedom Friday”, which means I am going to feature a story of freedom for ya’ll.  Today is a little different in that I feature my own story, today I speak of my own freedom!  I thought I would share this story with you all further along in the future but I feel like today is the perfect time to share with you all my story, my heart.  

We all have our struggles, some we have carried with us from childhood– from the time of our youth.  Ever since I could remember, as a child I always felt out of place– like I did not fit into the world around me.  I always felt lonely, unloved and as if I lacked true value.  I had such low self-esteem and would participate in destructive activities to get rid of the pain that I felt on a near daily basis.  This grip of loneliness turned into depression and this cyclical depression formed into suicidal thoughts and ideations.  Unlike some who experience these thoughts and feelings, I grew up in church.  I grew up hearing on a regular basis that Jesus loved me, but I never truly believed that He did.  I saw God as wanting to have nothing to do with me, but rather just merely tolerating me.  I trusted no one.  I didn’t even trust my parents and I began to isolate myself into my destructive thoughts, allowing myself to experience a deeper level of torment everyday.

 Every day, I would think “You are invisible, no one wants you so no one would miss you if you were gone!”  or “What are you living for, you’re worthless so why not die?”  I could feel  the grip loneliness like a boa constrictor slowly squeezing around me, as if in any moment I wouldn’t be able to breathe and just die.  

Like a cold that just would not go away, I could feel cyclical depression following me.  It wouldn’t leave my side.  When I woke up, it rose with me.  When I lied down to go to bed, it would invade my sleep and my dreams.  It was bound to me and there was nothing I could do.  

Again, I would go to church and hear the preacher talk about God’s love setting us free but I wouldn’t believe it, how could an all perfect God love a messed up person like me?  His perfection, in my thinking, hindered His love for me.  I couldn’t believe in a message that was so simple.  All my life, I felt like I had to earn love.  I had to do something for someone to love me.  I had to be perfect, or be kind, or be the best person possible to have love reciprocated to me- so for me to have to do nothing seemed like it wasn’t genuine, this love couldn’t be real.  

I remember sitting by my bedside, praying to God but not believing that He heard me.  I said “God if you are listening, take the pain away- make my life worth living!”  I got up off of my knees and began to cry because I thought that the hopelessness I was in was my destination for an eternity.  My relationship with God was so shallow and I did not have the courage at the time to be honest with Him concerning anything.  I didn’t trust people so I definitely didn’t trust God.  I didn’t trust that He could make my heart whole, or that He could take away my feelings of loneliness, worthlessness and insignificance.  I didn’t trust in His power or in His love. 

I sat in my room floor, crying my eyes out about my life when I heard His still small voice whisper to me in my pit...”I still love you!” He said. “Even though you have a hard time believing in Me, and you have so many doubts, I still love you.” God spoke to my heart “I’m in this for the long haul, My love lasts forever.”  Immediately, I knew I had a moment with God and I yearned for more moments such as the one I experienced.  I learned that hearing God’s word but not believing it does nothing for one’s soul.  Jesus says in Matthew 28:20 “And Lo, I am with you always, even until the end of the world”  According to the Word, I was never alone but I had to believe that for it to take effect.  John 3:16 says.”For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son; that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life” .  God loved me so much that He gave His most prized possession, His Son, to die for my sin.  He loved me so much that He created a way for me to have an intimate relationship with Him.  I had to believe that, I had to.

For years, I struggled with the grip of loneliness- but now as I sit and write to you, I can honestly say that I am free.  

I am free from the feelings of needing someone to be in my life.  I am free from the suicidal thoughts.  I am free from the cyclic depression.  I am free from thoughts of worthlessness and insignificance.  I am free.

 I know now in my heart of hearts that I am deeply loved by the Lover of my Soul, and nothing can change that.  I know now in my heart of hearts that I mean something to God and that my life is precious/valuable.  I know now in my heart of hearts, who I am and how special I am to God.

 I am free from the struggles of my past, from the torments of my childhood and I can move on in my life.  I am free to trust myself, my friends and my family.  I am free to trust my judgement and to open my heart again to love.  I am free to love.  While I was hurting, I closed myself off- I couldn’t love. I couldn’t trust.  Now that I am whole, I am free to trust and to love and to think highly of my value here on the earth.  God loves me and He has never stopped loving me, even when I was in the “pit” and couldn’t see my way out, He still loved me.  I am free!  

So if you suffer from the things I mentioned in today’s post and you can identify with me, I want to let you know that you can be free too!  You can be free!  You can be free to love, trust, smile, be happy again. You can be free from the thoughts of suicide and the torments of loneliness. You can be free!  I can’t make you free, but I know someone who can and He has done wonders for me.  I want to introduce you to the Lover of my soul, Yeshua aka Jesus, He has all the power to set you free with His love.  His love will set you free! 

If you ever need to talk, please email/ message me!  i’m always here and I love you all– Happy Freedom Friday!

Until next time, 

Mo ❤

Say What You Need To Say

Hello old friends, fellow bloggers and new followers- 

Today, a friend of mine committed suicide.  He was a close friend of my bestie “E” and I knew him through her.  When I found out that he passed,  my heart became so sad- I began to wish I had the opportunity to tell him that God loved him or that he was needed into the family of God.  If only I got the chance to say what I needed to say.

 Sometimes we go through life and we build relationships with others but we neglect to say that we love them or that we care about them. Everyone is going through their own struggle and would love to know that some cares about them.

 I sat in my room and cried, thinking of all of the things I wished I could say to him now.  I decided that from that moment on I was going to say what I needed to say to those I loved.  I would no longer hold things back for another time because I don’t know when I’ll get that chance – the chance to be honest, the chance to be real.  We have to utilize the time that we have with one another because before we know it, our time is going to be up!

Until next time, 

Mo 🙂 

 

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