Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers–
I’m not okay. At all. Not even close. I think for a long time, I painted this face of being always happy but I’m not happy not one bit and the more I think about it the more I want to reveal exactly where I am. There’s a saying that those who can’t, teach. I’ve invested my whole life into loving people well because I sought to be loved well. I’ve invested my whole career into advocating for people because I know exactly what it feels like to not have anyone advocate for me. I push community on others because I would be rich if I had a quarter for every time I felt alone. In fact, I feel alone now. I wish I could change that thing about me, I wish I could say I had more good days than bad but truthfully that’s not the case. Even now, though the sun is outside and it’s beauty is radiating… I’m in my room the shades down and the lights off, wondering if I can really do this thing called life. It took me twice as long to figure out if I was going to church this morning because it took me a solid hour and some change to figure out if I still wanted to continue breathing. Like, if I disappeared off the face of the planet, would it really matter? If my presence disappeared from my apartment, my school, my church or my job- would anyone actually care? At this moment, I understand so deeply what Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain felt, to be surrounded by people that don’t know you, who are oblivious to the inward turmoil that you’re facing because they assume by your success, position, gifting and outward garments that you’re okay.
I’m done pretending that my faith has positioned me on some pedestal, and I’m over pretending that there are no days when I want to let go. Today was one of those days… the idea that I have to be strong is overrated and the fact of the matter is: I need God as much as you do. In fact, I need Him now! I need him to sort out the messiness of my mind, I need his help to break destructive patterns, I need his love to soothe the pain. I need him now and I refuse to live another day hiding my feelings for the conveniences of others. It’s okay to not be okay.