I Am Too Proud To Beg

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers- 

Happy Pre-Christmas Week!  I’m home for the holidays and I can feel the hustle and bustle of excitement in the air.  It’s been a while since we’ve talked, so I thought I would share something with each of you tonight.

As I began to gear up for dinner prep, I began to think about the holidays as a whole.  As many of you know, I ended a long-term relationship this past July.  Before this final break up, I was stuck in this on again- off again whirlwind of a relationship.  I spent seven years devoted to this rescue project, who did not acknowledge my own value to invest the same.  It was a living nightmare.  The sad part of this whole fiasco was every Christmas I would do the absolute most to convince him that I was “it.”  It was as if in my mind the magic of Christmas would cure our toxic relationship.  Slowly but surely, I awakened to myself, and now I am convinced that I deserve better.

Ladies and gents, this is the first Christmas in a long time that I am truly single.  I mean single-single.  I am single in my mind, heart, body, I belong to God and me alone.  Christmas is not my favorite holiday because of whose attached to me (contrary to Hallmark Channel’s popular belief), neither does this holiday bring me joy because of who is sitting at my dinner table.  Christmas is my favorite holiday because its the day God in goodness full of love gave the world a gift that was too good for it:  His Son.  He loved me enough to give me a piece of himself. And if the Creator gave himself so freely, why on earth should I have to beg someone to love me well?  I don’t.  Point, blank, periodt!

Friends, it took me seven years to learn that I deserved better.  Seven long, teary-eyed, exhausting years.  Now that I recognize my worth, I’m not begging anyone else to.  I know that I’m beautiful,  I know that I’m dope, I know that I’m wife material.  I understand that I am God’s gift to humanity, that I’ve been fashioned in gentleness and grace, that my class and elevated thinking is one to die for.  I know who I am.  And this awareness of me has shifted my whole approach to relationships.  Friends, know thyself!  Recognize the goodness that lies within you and refuse to beg anyone else to see what’s inside- especially someone with no vision, no goals, no ambition and a little to no future.

Be too proud of yourself to beg!

Xoxo,

Simone

Shades Down, Lights Off

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers

I’m not okay.  At all.   Not even close.  I think for a long time, I painted this face of being always happy but I’m not happy not one bit and the more I think about it the more I want to reveal exactly where I am.  There’s a saying that those who can’t, teach.  I’ve invested my whole life into loving people well because I sought to be loved well.  I’ve invested my whole career into advocating for people because I know exactly what it feels like to not have anyone advocate for me.  I push community on others because I would be rich if I had a quarter for every time I felt alone.  In fact, I feel alone now.   I wish I could change that thing about me, I wish I could say I had more good days than bad but truthfully that’s not the case.  Even now, though the sun is outside and it’s beauty is radiating… I’m in my room the shades down and the lights off, wondering if I can really do this thing called life.  It took me twice as long to figure out if I was going to church this morning because it took me a solid hour and some change to figure out if I still wanted to continue breathing.  Like, if I disappeared off the face of the planet, would it really matter?  If my presence disappeared from my apartment, my school, my church or my job- would anyone actually care?  At this moment, I understand so deeply what Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain felt, to be surrounded by people that don’t know you, who are oblivious to the inward turmoil that you’re facing because they assume by your success, position, gifting and outward garments that you’re okay.

I’m done pretending that my faith has positioned me on some pedestal, and I’m over pretending that there are no days when I want to let go.  Today was one of those days… the idea that I have to be strong is overrated and the fact of the matter is: I need God as much as you do. In fact, I need Him now!  I need him to sort out the messiness of my mind, I need his help to break destructive patterns, I need his love to soothe the pain.  I need him now and I refuse to live another day hiding my feelings for the conveniences of others.  It’s okay to not be okay.

Xoxo,

Simone

In The Clouds

You know that moment when you almost loose yourself…
I lost myself, distracted in the company of another
but I felt the hand of God yank me back to reality-
Like, no girl- I didn’t make him for you.
I sense that yanking right now, pulling me out of fantasy developed in absence and back into the reality of waiting on you.
I chuckled to myself because I knew that this Holy repellent was working,
and there was no need for any searching because I already knew the answer…
You’re my John Smith and I’m your dark-skinned Poca
and this isn’t some Disney story line that’s been manipulated by a creative writer,
but a poem penned by a fighter who have fought for the chance at your heart.
Darling, I can’t remember the last time I penned your praises- or the last time I smiled because I knew I was where I was supposed to be.
Shhh… your secret is safe with me.
I held my tongue and I’ve zipped my lips,
but on the inside my heart is doing somersaults and flips- with pure joy and excitement of what’s to come.
You’re the one.
OMG! I can’t believe I just said that aloud
My heart is so proud to be claimed by you.
I’m so shy and I’m such a prude,
cheeks blushing at my confession-
heart pounding by this truth session,
that even a serum could not confuse.
I simply have nothing to lose-
by being completely free and transparent,
because it is apparent that I am totally and incandescently in love.
And why shouldn’t I be?
I spent so many years emotionally beaten-
beaten my the winds of rejection and insecurities.
Tossed by high winds and violent seas.
Spent so many years asking “why me?”
so many that I am physically exhausted by that question.
No longer accepting suggestions,
on how to live my life.
Torn by envy, dragged by strife- so now I’m in this good place,
in this good head space- I choose to celebrate,
what’s been placed into my hands.
I take a stand,
and I say “yes” to you.
No matter what, “I do.”
And it is with this conviction,
with this detailed attention –
that I give my all.
I’m no longer scared of the fall,
as I jump off this cliff.
I choose to allow my spirit to lift,
me into the clouds.
As I wait to hear the sound,
of your voice beckoning me.
Darling, I am free to be,
in you.

©Simone Holloway, 2016

Smiles

I desire that you smile

that you find reasons to smile

as much as possible…

I want you to smile so much- so that

your face reflects the joy experienced, in spending time with me…

I desire that you smile, radiating the beauty of all  your 32s-

so that the world may get a sneak peek of the light-

illuminating from your heart.

I hope that your smile causes another to lose all sense of control-

bursting into a grin of their own.

So that the light shining from its white welcome center, will draw

the broken, the hopeless and all of those in need of love.

In the midst of a chaotic world,

I pray that your life be filled with

smiles…

©Simone Holloway, 2015

Featured Image Credit: http://globe-views.com/dcim/dreams/smile/smile-05.jpg

God Is SOOOOOO Good!

Hey fam!

Let me tell you….God is SOOOO good!  I mean, He is tremendously good.  Even when things around us don’t look good, God remains good.  This past Sunday, the pastor preached about blessings that don;t match our expectations.  he talked about how God blesses us in ways that we never imagined, that don’t fit our definition of a blessing or what not.  He says that sometimes we miss the hand of God moving in our lives because we let our expectations stand in the way of us receiving what God is doing.  He talked about how God doesn’t do things the way we do and that we have to keep our eyes peeled to see Him move.  So today…I experienced a little bit of this.  I’ve been believing God to supply my needs, even down to basic needs such as food for the next day.  I have money but because my needs have needs, it seems to  never be enough; but I prayed and I told God that I believe His Word that says “He will supply all of my needs according to his riches and glory through Christ Jesus.”  God will supply my needs and all I have to do is trust Him.  So today…my boss was stopping for lunch and I asked him to pick something up for me- I even gave him my check card to purchase my food. So my boss returned with my food, I blessed my food and I began to eat.  I didn’t worry about spending money I didn’t have, I just ate.  Halfway through my meal, I found something wrong with my food.  It was bad, but instead of getting super upset or irate- I simply called the restaurant and explained what was wrong.  The staff person was so sweet and apologetic, she made me a new meal and gave me a refund.  She also prepared the meal herself and gave me some extra things for free. I went to go pick up my meal and the manager came and gave me some store credit for my next visit so I could get some more free food.

SO I BASICALLY GOT MY LUNCH AND SOME EXTRA THINGS FOR FREE!!!!

When God bless you, it may come in an odd fashion but He sets you up real nice in the end because He is just that good!!!

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

Featured Image Credit: http://www.lovethispic.com/uploaded_images/79250-Life-Is-Good-Because-God-Is.jpg

God Has A Way….

Hello Authentic Lovers- 

My heart is exceedingly glad.  I got an email this morning, from a reader of this blog basically telling me that my writing has been what they needed through their situation. God used my writing to speak to someone and change their life.  I used to think that no one cared about my writing, or about what I had to say- but I believe that the email was God’s way of showing me that what I’m doing for Him (this blog) is very important.  He has a way of touching our hearts and reassuring us that He is with us.  The email and all of the kind words I receive from you all have been an incredible source of encouragement.  I love you guys and I’m praying much for you all!!!

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

P.S. I couldn’t leave this post without encouraging you.  I want to encourage you not to give up, keep doing what God has given you to do because you’re impacting someone’s life as well.  Your voice and your work matter!  ❤ ❤ ❤

Featured Image Credit : http://lifeimpactministries.net/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/michelangelo-71282_1280.jpg

Beyond Blessed

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

TODAY HAS BEEN GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so far, at least.  I feel like I am engulfed in a ray of beautiful sunshine, a simply beacon of happiness.  My post “I LOVE YOU” is featured on The Fickle Heartbeat, Bethel Music favorited and replied to my tweet about them (total fan-girl moment!!!!!)  and my friend gave me money for lunch to which I enjoyed an amazing Sweet Onion Teriyaki Sub.

Today just has been perfect.  The sun is shining, the birds are singing, I’m content and life is just beautiful because God has made it that way.  Y’all I am so happy and I wanted to share that happiness with each and every one of you.  Be blessed beyond measure.

 The blessing of the Lord, it maketh rich, and he addeth no sorrow with it.

Proverbs 10:22 (KJV)

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

Featured Image Credit: http://theramp.org/blog/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/blessed-by-god.jpg

Happy Birthday To Me

Hello Authentic Lovers-

Today has been a great day filled with God’s grace and mercy.  I turned 22 today!  God has been so good. I spent the day with 3 of the most important people in my life: God, family and friends.  I am filled with thanksgiving, joy and so much love. I am thankful for each of you as you all have journeyed through life with me.  I love each and every one of you, with the love of Christ.  As I end this day, I say thanks for making my birthday one of the best!

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

Featured Image Credit: http://www.happybirthday24.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/happy-birthday-1.jpg