Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-
Over the past year or so, I have been “blessed” to discover who I really am. I used the word blessed loosely because in the process of self-awareness I felt everything but blessed. I felt ashamed, bad, misguided, hopeless, and was filled with just plain shock to discover that for so long I have been lying even to myself and hiding under a facade of sorts to keep face. I’ve been going through this process because in order for someone to discover me, I have to discover myself. What does this mean? This means that I should know my likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, pursuits/ambitions, and I should recognize my failures.
The problem that I discovered with myself is that I did not know who I was, had absolutely no idea. This became a problem in all of my relationships, because I did not know me I would become like Play-dough and morph into what others wanted me to be. Wow, that’s’ harsh one might say, but it’s the truth. Morphing takes a lot of practice. Can you imagine being everything for everybody, it’s a lot of work.. Frankly, I was tired of working so hard to be disingenuous, so I stopped and went on a year journey discovering myself. Some of the things I discovered, I was not happy about but the truth does not change whether we are happy with it or not. I discovered that I was selfish, I had trust issues, I run from my problems instead of facing them head on. I discovered that I love with everything but because of love lost, I’ve grown bitter and built a wall that only Jesus Christ himself could ever get through. I discovered that I used my career as an excuse to hide and keep away from potential suitors. I discovered that I am driven and sometimes this drive turns into arrogance and I come to believe that I could make it by myself without God’s help. I discovered that I knew these things about myself but refused to address them, thinking that if I leave these things alone- they would disappear. That is not how life works. In my discovery, I faced my brokenness, my sin, and my ignorance and I began to run to God to find out who I truly was. In my journey, I realized that if I am real with God, He will be real with me. If I hide my wounds I could never be healed. If I hide my addictions and secret sins I would never be set free. If I hide my heart I could never experience the fullness of His love.
My point in writing this blog post was to raise the question of identity. Who are you? Do you know who you are? If so, what are you doing with this knowledge? The reasons why some of our relationships are so topsy-turvy is because we have no idea who we are. One day we’re free, the next day we’re bond. One day we are on top of the world, the next day we are the scum of the earth. One day we’re head over heels in love the next day we are buried in hatred. We have no idea of our likes, dislikes, strengths, and weakness. We have no idea who we want to become because we don’t know who we are. The problem is identity and once we can answer that question, truthfully we can begin a journey of healing and restoration. We can freely hear God’s voice speaking to us to lead and guide us into our future. How can we build a life with someone if we don’t know the life we would like to build with ourselves? I’m at the place in my life of realness and transparency- I know who I am and I know who I would like to be. This knowledge has allowed to me to know who can come with me on that journey and who simply has to stay home. I can learn someone else because I know who I am and I know the One who knows me inside and out. If you ever asked the question: God, Why am I not married yet? The answer is: Do you know who you are? That’s the answer. One cannot enter into a life long commitment unless they can be real with themselves and real with God. If you can’t be real with God and can’t even see Him there is no way you can be real with someone else.
Until next time,
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