With Everything Inside…

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers-

“With everything inside…” those were the words of a song I wrote Christmas Day, 2017. It was a random expression of how I felt about the Father. My dad’s friend sat at the piano and I just began to sing, “With everything inside, I will offer you my worship…” These words came from a place of freedom, I felt safe and free to sing what I heard in my heart.

The thought came to me… when was the last time I felt free? I mean, really free. The freedom to sing, the freedom to song-write, the freedom to just be different in the midst of a crowd that wants me to be the same. The last time I was truly free was at the beginning of the year when I was writing more and expressing the love I received with the world. Then, like many stories, pain met me and threw me off course. I stopped writing, I stopped singing, I started to withhold my worship. With everything became with some things and then with some things became with nothing. I had nothing to offer, nothing to bring and nothing to say.

Today, I listened to a few voice memos and started to reflect on the songs the Lord gave me. I listened and was immediately transported to those moments of prayer, worship, and authenticity. I was reminded of a piece of myself that was lying dead from pain- my heart’s posture as a worshipper and a songwriter. It’s crazy how good God really is. Like, when I take time to think about His awesomeness, I’m enthralled in this ugly cry place of gratitude. I’m thankful that in love, he reminded me of my identity in him. I’m his writer and that is enough!

So… lovelies, I encourage you to go to the moments where you felt free. Learn from those moments, reflect on those moments and find your time with Him again. Be His first and let everything else come as a result of loving Him more. Always remember that He loves you deeply!

Xoxo,

Simone

Who Am I?

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

Over the past year or so, I have been “blessed” to discover who I really am.  I used the word blessed loosely because in the process of self-awareness I felt everything but blessed.  I felt ashamed, bad, misguided, hopeless, and was filled with just plain shock to discover that for so long I have been lying even to myself and hiding under a facade of sorts to keep face.  I’ve been going through this process because in order for someone to discover me, I have to discover myself.  What does this mean?  This means that I should know my likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, pursuits/ambitions, and I should recognize my failures.

The problem that I discovered with myself is that I did not know who I was, had absolutely no idea.  This became a problem in all of my relationships, because I did not know me I would become like Play-dough and morph into what others wanted me to be.  Wow, that’s’ harsh one might say, but it’s the truth.  Morphing takes a lot of practice.  Can you imagine being everything for everybody, it’s a lot of work..  Frankly, I was tired of working so hard to be disingenuous, so I stopped and went on a year journey discovering myself.  Some of the things I discovered, I was not happy about but the truth does not change whether we are happy with it or not.   I discovered that I was selfish, I had trust issues, I run from my problems instead of facing them head on.  I discovered that I love with everything but because of love lost, I’ve grown bitter and built a wall that only Jesus Christ himself could ever get through.  I discovered that I used my career as an excuse to hide and keep away from potential suitors.   I discovered that I am driven and sometimes this drive turns into arrogance and I come to believe that I could make it by myself without God’s help.  I discovered that I knew these things about myself but refused to address them, thinking that if I leave these things alone- they would disappear.  That is not how life works.  In my discovery, I faced my brokenness, my sin, and my ignorance and I began to run to God to find out who I truly was.  In my journey, I realized that if I  am real with God, He will be real with me.  If I hide my wounds I could never be healed.  If I hide my addictions and secret sins I would never be set free.  If I hide my heart I could never experience the fullness of His love.

My point in writing this blog post was to raise the question of identity.  Who are you?  Do you know who you are?  If so, what are you doing with this knowledge? The reasons why some of our relationships are so topsy-turvy is because we have no idea who we are. One day we’re free, the next day we’re bond.  One day we are on top of the world, the next day we are the scum of the earth.  One day we’re head over heels in love the next day we are buried in hatred.  We have no idea of our likes, dislikes, strengths, and weakness.  We have no idea who we want to become because we don’t know who we are.  The problem is identity and once we can answer that question, truthfully we can begin a journey of healing and restoration.  We can freely hear God’s voice speaking to us to lead and guide us into our future.  How can we build a life with someone if we don’t know the life we would like to build with ourselves? I’m at the place in my life of realness and transparency- I know who I am and I know who I would like to be.  This knowledge has allowed to me to know who can come with me on that journey and who simply has to stay home.  I can learn someone else because I know who I am and I know the One who knows me inside and out.  If you ever asked the question: God, Why am I not married yet?  The answer is: Do you know who you are?  That’s the answer. One cannot enter into a life long commitment unless they can be real with themselves and real with God.  If you can’t be real with God and can’t even see Him there is no way you can be real with someone else.

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

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Never Enough

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

 Sometimes I wish I could say that life is amazing and that every day consists of rainbows and sunshine, but that’s not true- sometimes there is a lot of rain.  Sometimes life floods us with thoughts, challenges and obstacles we would have never imagined.  For me, the biggest thought that floods my mind was: You’re not enough, you’ll never be enough.  The more I dwelt on this thought, the more I came to believe that it was true.  I am the spokesperson for failed relationships, every boyfriend I’ve ever had cheated or left.  They simply disappeared.  So naturally, I came to believe that there was something wrong with me.  Maybe I wasn’t skinny enough; maybe if I lost a few pounds then he would have stayed.  This thought manifested into anorexia.  Maybe I wasn’t cool enough; if I was a “down” person then he would have stayed.  That thought manifested into a bad habit of using bad language.  Instead of using words to build people up, I used them to tear people down.  Well, I began to think, maybe I wasn’t pretty enough. Maybe if I was a pretty girl with flawless skin then he would have stayed. This thought manifested into self-esteem so low, that I came to believe that I deserved to be mistreated.  I deserved to be abused.  I deserved all of these things because I was not good enough and would never be enough.

Once I received Christ completely, I thought my outlook changed.  I didn’t have an eating disorder any longer and I was no longer using bad language to fit in but instead I focused on my intelligence- hoping that would make me be enough for people.  Maybe if I was smart, then others would like me and things would open up for me, or so I thought.  I spent all of my time trying to get the highest grades- straight A’s all around.  For a little while, I was successful but as time continued studies got hard and I started settling for lower grades because I would never be enough.  I spent all of my time working multiple jobs, putting 110% into everything but instead of being appreciated and promoted I was reprimanded, realizing that I would never be enough.  I spent all my time working in the church, thinking if I did all these things for God – my life would be perfect but instead I experienced more trials and tribulations.  My work wasn’t enough.  I began to wonder, what I had to do to be successful, for something to finally work out for me.  What? When would all my efforts be enough?  When would I be enough?

It’s crazy how in the midst of this mindset, God still loves.  He identified with my thought process. He sent His Son into a world that was dying from sin, His perfect Son.  His Son was beaten and killed on my behalf, yet every day I treated Him as if He was not enough.  I sought happiness in my academic career, in a man, in my own ambitions- but failed to seek happiness in Him.  From His point of view, to me, He was not enough.  When I realized this point of my life, I began to see life differently- for real.  I began to understand that I am more than enough to God.  He loves me continuously, even when I don’t love myself.  He loves my flaws; He loves my perfections, my strengths and my weaknesses.  I will never be enough to save myself, but with Him I am more than enough.  In His eyes, I meet all of His expectations and He delights in me.  I am enough.  This realization changed everything, every single thing making every thought line up to God’s words to me.  I AM ENOUGH TO GOD and that is all that really matters.

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

Featured Image Credit : http://trenamarthaller.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/i-am-enough-teal.jpg