Never Enough

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

 Sometimes I wish I could say that life is amazing and that every day consists of rainbows and sunshine, but that’s not true- sometimes there is a lot of rain.  Sometimes life floods us with thoughts, challenges and obstacles we would have never imagined.  For me, the biggest thought that floods my mind was: You’re not enough, you’ll never be enough.  The more I dwelt on this thought, the more I came to believe that it was true.  I am the spokesperson for failed relationships, every boyfriend I’ve ever had cheated or left.  They simply disappeared.  So naturally, I came to believe that there was something wrong with me.  Maybe I wasn’t skinny enough; maybe if I lost a few pounds then he would have stayed.  This thought manifested into anorexia.  Maybe I wasn’t cool enough; if I was a “down” person then he would have stayed.  That thought manifested into a bad habit of using bad language.  Instead of using words to build people up, I used them to tear people down.  Well, I began to think, maybe I wasn’t pretty enough. Maybe if I was a pretty girl with flawless skin then he would have stayed. This thought manifested into self-esteem so low, that I came to believe that I deserved to be mistreated.  I deserved to be abused.  I deserved all of these things because I was not good enough and would never be enough.

Once I received Christ completely, I thought my outlook changed.  I didn’t have an eating disorder any longer and I was no longer using bad language to fit in but instead I focused on my intelligence- hoping that would make me be enough for people.  Maybe if I was smart, then others would like me and things would open up for me, or so I thought.  I spent all of my time trying to get the highest grades- straight A’s all around.  For a little while, I was successful but as time continued studies got hard and I started settling for lower grades because I would never be enough.  I spent all of my time working multiple jobs, putting 110% into everything but instead of being appreciated and promoted I was reprimanded, realizing that I would never be enough.  I spent all my time working in the church, thinking if I did all these things for God – my life would be perfect but instead I experienced more trials and tribulations.  My work wasn’t enough.  I began to wonder, what I had to do to be successful, for something to finally work out for me.  What? When would all my efforts be enough?  When would I be enough?

It’s crazy how in the midst of this mindset, God still loves.  He identified with my thought process. He sent His Son into a world that was dying from sin, His perfect Son.  His Son was beaten and killed on my behalf, yet every day I treated Him as if He was not enough.  I sought happiness in my academic career, in a man, in my own ambitions- but failed to seek happiness in Him.  From His point of view, to me, He was not enough.  When I realized this point of my life, I began to see life differently- for real.  I began to understand that I am more than enough to God.  He loves me continuously, even when I don’t love myself.  He loves my flaws; He loves my perfections, my strengths and my weaknesses.  I will never be enough to save myself, but with Him I am more than enough.  In His eyes, I meet all of His expectations and He delights in me.  I am enough.  This realization changed everything, every single thing making every thought line up to God’s words to me.  I AM ENOUGH TO GOD and that is all that really matters.

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

Featured Image Credit : http://trenamarthaller.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/i-am-enough-teal.jpg

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