Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-
Sometimes I wish I could say that life is amazing and that every day consists of rainbows and sunshine, but that’s not true- sometimes there is a lot of rain. Sometimes life floods us with thoughts, challenges and obstacles we would have never imagined. For me, the biggest thought that floods my mind was: You’re not enough, you’ll never be enough. The more I dwelt on this thought, the more I came to believe that it was true. I am the spokesperson for failed relationships, every boyfriend I’ve ever had cheated or left. They simply disappeared. So naturally, I came to believe that there was something wrong with me. Maybe I wasn’t skinny enough; maybe if I lost a few pounds then he would have stayed. This thought manifested into anorexia. Maybe I wasn’t cool enough; if I was a “down” person then he would have stayed. That thought manifested into a bad habit of using bad language. Instead of using words to build people up, I used them to tear people down. Well, I began to think, maybe I wasn’t pretty enough. Maybe if I was a pretty girl with flawless skin then he would have stayed. This thought manifested into self-esteem so low, that I came to believe that I deserved to be mistreated. I deserved to be abused. I deserved all of these things because I was not good enough and would never be enough.
Once I received Christ completely, I thought my outlook changed. I didn’t have an eating disorder any longer and I was no longer using bad language to fit in but instead I focused on my intelligence- hoping that would make me be enough for people. Maybe if I was smart, then others would like me and things would open up for me, or so I thought. I spent all of my time trying to get the highest grades- straight A’s all around. For a little while, I was successful but as time continued studies got hard and I started settling for lower grades because I would never be enough. I spent all of my time working multiple jobs, putting 110% into everything but instead of being appreciated and promoted I was reprimanded, realizing that I would never be enough. I spent all my time working in the church, thinking if I did all these things for God – my life would be perfect but instead I experienced more trials and tribulations. My work wasn’t enough. I began to wonder, what I had to do to be successful, for something to finally work out for me. What? When would all my efforts be enough? When would I be enough?
It’s crazy how in the midst of this mindset, God still loves. He identified with my thought process. He sent His Son into a world that was dying from sin, His perfect Son. His Son was beaten and killed on my behalf, yet every day I treated Him as if He was not enough. I sought happiness in my academic career, in a man, in my own ambitions- but failed to seek happiness in Him. From His point of view, to me, He was not enough. When I realized this point of my life, I began to see life differently- for real. I began to understand that I am more than enough to God. He loves me continuously, even when I don’t love myself. He loves my flaws; He loves my perfections, my strengths and my weaknesses. I will never be enough to save myself, but with Him I am more than enough. In His eyes, I meet all of His expectations and He delights in me. I am enough. This realization changed everything, every single thing making every thought line up to God’s words to me. I AM ENOUGH TO GOD and that is all that really matters.
Until next time,
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