I Got It Wrong

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers-

Around this time five years ago, I wrote a post called “My Only” expressing joy in the idea that I found (what I believed) to be my “one and only,” the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I thought I found the love of my life. I was wrong. I found a man that was incapable of loving me to the capacity that I needed. I was looking over my blog memories when my stats revealed that someone read that post a few days ago. My first thought: “Simone, delete that post!!! That relationship failed, get rid of the memories of your failures, erase the post.” But, that isn’t life, we can’t go around erasing the terrible things that we’ve experienced. We face our failures, we accept them and we learn from them. So here are three reasons, I believe my getting it wrong was necessary for me to learn how to get it right.

  1. I accepted the love I thought I deserved: subpar, broken and inconsistent. The guy I thought was forever, in hindsight, did not love me well. And to tell you the truth, I can’t blame him. He was not loved well and he had no genuine connection to the One who loved him well. When your life is absent from the Creator of Love, it’s hard to love others. Instead, you love them through your broken version of the love you’ve received. That is the way he loved me: from a place of fear/distance, insecurity which drove his patterns of lying about stupid things, ghosting and poor communication and mediocre because to invest in love is to open himself up to the possibility to be in pain. He prided himself to be a master of pain avoidance and he did this by loving from a shallow place. The worst part was I loved the same way: my friendships were not deep by any measure of the imagination. I was trying to be everything for him, even if it meant being untrue to myself. Lastly, he was everything and because I did not think highly of myself; it was like girl you betta take what you can get. WRONG!!! Now, I’ve grown and I can see that God was like “Homegirl, you deserve so much better!” Thank God!  
  2. I was not okay with being alone. In fact, being and dying alone was one of my biggest fears. Therefore, I settled with “better than what I had” but not necessarily great. Anything that is better than what you had always seemed to be the best but it is not until you understand what you’re worth that you realize what you’ve settled for. There is nothing wrong with looking back and being like “he’s not that great- in fact he’s trash!” I wasn’t secure within myself to have that moment of awakening but God not waiting on my point of enlightenment, in mercy, decided to save this girl from herself! I’m so grateful He did. Because, if we’re honest not one ounce of love lives in fear; so to build a love out of it would be a decision to settle for a love that is indeed false. Perfect love expels fear; there is no fear in true love. As I’ve grown and come to love myself, I seek to be absent of fear and perfected in love. It is the heart of the Father that we are full of love and void of fear and that should be demonstrated in our relationships. To be unafraid is to be truly in love. 
  3.  I realized that I needed to heal. Yep, there were wounds that I neglected thinking that I would find healing in my relationship but that’s not how it works, you are to come to your relationship whole ready to complement them. It is so dangerous to bring your open wounds to someone and expect them to have the balm to heal you. It breeds codependency and easy disappointment. God knew that I needed to heal, that I needed to be alone to really seek him for this necessary balm. The best thing that could have happened was the ending of my relationship because the end of that thing opened my heart to the fact that there were wounds that needed to heal. Ladies and gents, the best thing you can do is heal. Heal and then enter into relationships with other people. Don’t bring your baggage into your relationships and place expectations on people to heal you. Only God heals, so allow him to heal you with His love.

Friends, the guy I was with was NOT my one and only, but he was integral to my growth. He taught me what I did not want in a person. He taught me what I was not willing to settle for. He taught me that what I’ve embraced was not real love. I’m grateful that things ended because it gave me the freedom to learn about myself and to love me.  So, there is no need to fear mistakes because even our mistakes are redeemable in the hands of God.  He has this tendency to take our bad things and He promises to make them work for our good.  He rights our wrongs. 

God allowed me to get it wrong so that He could make one thing right, me!  

Xoxo, 

Simone 

FIC: https://i2.wp.com/digital-photography-school.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/black-white-mistakes-4.jpg?resize=750%2C750&ssl=1

Goodbye.

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers- 

It’s Tuesday, the weather is frightening and today was one of making hard decisions and letting go.  It’s easy to talk about letting go but sometimes God asks for things that we’ve grown quite attached to.  Sometimes we will give these things up, and sometimes it takes a sacrifice of self for us to release that which is super important to us.

Anything you’re not willing to let go of is an idol- PT, 6for2 Prayer

For me, it was a man.  I loved this man so much so, that I couldn’t imagine my life without him being in it.  God was like, “Oh really? Why don’t we find out?” And for the past six years, I lived life without this man being in my life.  I found out that I didn’t need this person in my life for it to be filled with joy, adventure, and fulfillment.  Without him, I was fulfilled because I found myself in Christ.

It’s hard to admit that you’ve been serving and striving for other things than God, who wants to face the truth that their heart hasn’t been totally devoted to their Savior?  Not too many people.

But, I think honesty is the catalyst for freedom.  It is not until we face the music that we become free!

In order to say hello to the new, we must say goodbye to the old.  This can include but not limited to:  who we thought we were, who we thought we would be with, where we thought we would live, what we sought career-wise, and other things we refuse to release control.

We must say goodbye because at every end is a new beginning.

I wish I could tell you that saying goodbye is easy.  Oh man!  I wish I could assure you that goodbyes won’t produce any tears, but that is simply not the case.  In fact, a hard goodbye may cause you to cry for days but I promise that what’s coming is so much better than what’s been.

Give yourself time to feel, cry, worship, do whatever it takes to heal properly. To pretend that you’re not in pain is not holiness neither is it spiritual, it’s simply foolish and a sure way to remain injured.  Feel, acknowledge what you feel, be honest with yourself and heal.  Give yourself the permission to heal!

Your (God’s) way is not just right, your way is better! – PT, 6for2 Prayer

May you find the courage to say goodbye. 

Xoxo,

Simone 🦁

FIC: https://cdn.tinybuddha.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/Woman-Waving-Goodbye.png

 

Shades Down, Lights Off

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers

I’m not okay.  At all.   Not even close.  I think for a long time, I painted this face of being always happy but I’m not happy not one bit and the more I think about it the more I want to reveal exactly where I am.  There’s a saying that those who can’t, teach.  I’ve invested my whole life into loving people well because I sought to be loved well.  I’ve invested my whole career into advocating for people because I know exactly what it feels like to not have anyone advocate for me.  I push community on others because I would be rich if I had a quarter for every time I felt alone.  In fact, I feel alone now.   I wish I could change that thing about me, I wish I could say I had more good days than bad but truthfully that’s not the case.  Even now, though the sun is outside and it’s beauty is radiating… I’m in my room the shades down and the lights off, wondering if I can really do this thing called life.  It took me twice as long to figure out if I was going to church this morning because it took me a solid hour and some change to figure out if I still wanted to continue breathing.  Like, if I disappeared off the face of the planet, would it really matter?  If my presence disappeared from my apartment, my school, my church or my job- would anyone actually care?  At this moment, I understand so deeply what Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain felt, to be surrounded by people that don’t know you, who are oblivious to the inward turmoil that you’re facing because they assume by your success, position, gifting and outward garments that you’re okay.

I’m done pretending that my faith has positioned me on some pedestal, and I’m over pretending that there are no days when I want to let go.  Today was one of those days… the idea that I have to be strong is overrated and the fact of the matter is: I need God as much as you do. In fact, I need Him now!  I need him to sort out the messiness of my mind, I need his help to break destructive patterns, I need his love to soothe the pain.  I need him now and I refuse to live another day hiding my feelings for the conveniences of others.  It’s okay to not be okay.

Xoxo,

Simone

Was It Worth It?

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers- 

Good evening.  Tonight’s post was hard to write, for it forced me to face another level of vulnerability within myself.  Transparency makes me slightly uncomfortable but I’ve resolved that to live the life the Father has created for me, I must be transparent.  I don’t know if it’s been noticeable, but I have been pretty silent on this platform.  The fact of the matter was the passion I had for this blog 4 years have diminished greatly.  It was no fault of WordPress or even of you all, my blog family, ultimately it dwindled to the absence of passion for life.  Have you ever been in something for so long, you didn’t realize that you no longer found joy in it?  That was the place I found myself in, stuck in this grind for success that I hit a brick wall of pros and cons to why I should continue in this race.

Everything I loved to do became a chore.  Reading became a burden as  I read 100s of pages for class, writing became a nightmare as I realized that my style didn’t add up to academia, singing became an obligation and reminder of imperfection, even serving the Father seemed like a weight that was too heavy to bear.  I lost myself in the day to day routine of trying to become something so that I can finally act on what I felt called to do.  Frankly, I got to the crossroads of my purpose and hated what I witnessed.  Then regret began to sink in: regrets for orchestrating my whole life toward a certain career, regrets for choosing a lifestyle void of an intimate relationship to abstain from distraction, regrets for choosing to do what’s honorable when wronged, regrets for making certain vows to the Lord, regrets for obeying what He has asked of me,  just a whole lot of regret for what seemed to be wasted time…

The concept of waste is a real one for me, for I have invested countless things and it seems like there was no return.  I wonder if there is anyone like me:  you’ve sacrificed time, energy, money into things and people and it seems like there was no return.  What a waste, right? Wrong.  Tonight I had to come to the reality that all that I’ve done was not in vain, that my pursuit of the hard thing over what was convenient and comfortable was indeed worth it! The Father has seen every stride towards purpose and to him, all my sacrifices were sufficient.

I believe that the moment we see our lives as a giant garden, filled with seeds of actions sown to better those around us – we’ll keep planting even in the hard times.  Seeds appear to be dead before they bloom, and what we sow now will reap us a harvest later.  All that we’ve experienced will reap a harvest in the season to come!  I am reminded of Jesus’ action of dying on the cross, his sacrifice is reaping the harvest of salvation even today.   Friends, if I can encourage you with anything- your hard work, your choice of what’s right, your pursuit of the Father, and your continuous love for people is worth every second.  In spite of what circumstances want to convince you of, may you be persuaded that a harvest is coming- a harvest of “success”, continual joy and fulfillment, and everything you need to change your world. May you be reminded that your good deeds are not in vain and may you continue in this race to the finished line.

My passion for life has been renewed, for the Giver of Life lifts me up and encourages me to remain in my pursuit. He reminds me of His faithfulness and nudges me with His goodness.  He speaks words of wisdom and comfort to combat my troubled heart, caressing away every fear.  In Him lies all joy and his truth reminds me that I am equipped to do all He’s placed in my hands.

Friends, I’ve battled so many relational issues in the past months, and I would love to share my thoughts with you.  I don’t know about each of you, but it seems like this painful place was designed to grow me in my pursuit of the Father- to teach me what to do and what not to do.  Seasons like these are not only critical but absolutely necessary to evolve.  It is the winter that seeds are sown, surviving the harsh weather in preparation for spring.  Life has been a giant winter season: dark, cold and slightly discouraging but spring is coming and because of that there is hope.

I look forward to sharing many things with each of you in the near distant future!

Until next time,

Simone

FIC: https://www.thespruce.com/how-deeply-should-seeds-be-planted-2539711

📷 Credit: Roger Spooner/The Image Bank/Getty Images

Daydreaming

I stay dreaming… daydreaming

zoning, refocusing, imagining,

Paris on a clear summer night.

Sweet gardenia’s fill the air and

people around would stop and stare, care, desire to bare-

the concerns that pass between you and I.

Hand in hand, electricity as we stand, in a world full of masks.

I thought this would pass but even paradise can’t erase the past.

If only it was raining, then maybe romance would fuel forgiveness,

but the restoration we seek can’t be found in the weather.

My perfect dream becomes another perfect nightmare,

as I realize that reality burnt that bridge of us together.

Parisian perfection sadly cannot perfect what appeared to be a perfect partnership.

I guess that ship has sailed… oh well,

we will forever have our day dreams.

©Simone Holloway, 2017

 

 

 

It’s Just Easier

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

It’s been awhile, I’ve been hiding out for a little while.  I was thinking about writing about what I was feeling but I realized it’s easier to stay on the shore, within a shallow zone and to not extend more information than what would be necessary.  I bet, there are more people out there feeling the same way- “I would open up, but that would require emoting what’s on the inside, and I don’t know if I want to go through all of that.” But lovelies, I feel like my spirit is going to burst- like a giant bomb waiting to EXPLODE.

Ummm… let’s see, my day was super crappy- between issues with my health,  my desires for change in my personal life and the sadness I feel concerning someone I dearly love, I’m not sure if I can hold all of what I am feeling on the inside.  I bet there’s someone reading this, like OMG you’re expressing where I am right now.  If I could encourage you with anything, let what’s inside OUT!!!  If it’s anger, sadness, frustration, whatever it is- let it out because you’re not strong enough nor was you created to hold it all in.  Get into the presence of Jesus and give him what’s plaguing your spirit and let Him handle it.  That’s what I am about to do, because though it’s easier to pretend like everything is okay- it’s taxing and annoying and to tell you the truth, I’m tired of it.  When will you become tired?  When will you become tired enough to change what’s around you and demand better?  Lovelies, I’m in that place and I am demanding change and joy to come to me.

Until next time,

Simone

FIC : https://image.shutterstock.com/z/stock-photo-little-girl-screaming-and-shouting-with-megaphone-347845292.jpg

Our Earthly Concern

So… I am in the process,

of becoming great…

Or so I think, as I reflect on the harsh realities of the world.

I am striving not to become one of those average girls,

who basically take what’s being given to them.

As radical as it seems, I am trying not to fall at the seams

of a patterned world determined to unravel our hope.

Once upon a time, I spoke.

I spoke about the injustice I see,

because on the daily there are people who hate me and barely

take the opportunity to look past my dark shade.

Some call it racism, some call it hate.

I call it innate- being that since birth we’ve been categorized.

Labels have been our demise,

yet we sing a song of everything is going to be alright.

Which is true.

But riddle me this, how many labels have been found on you?

I used to think that the “isms” would destroy the world,

but instead it will be little boys and little girls.

Their words will do the destructive work instead,

letters of taught misogyny, bigotry and discrimination bound to spread.

But take heart and  remember that in history a man bled,

to capture the world in pure love and peace.

He was whipped, he was beaten for you and me.

So I am sorry if this piece is something with which you do not agree.

But, life is too short to bite my tongue because of your degree.

I am at a place where I want to see change on the horizon,

I am at a place where I want to see the fulfillment of Zion-

that city on the hill shining its light boldly.

That is the world I pursue after wholly.

So with opinions aside and truth in turn,

may love become our earthly concern.

©Simone Holloway, 2016

FIC: https://www.splcenter.org/sites/default/files/SPLC-Publications-Ten-Ways-to-Fight-Hate-1280×720.jpg

Living In Purpose 

Maybe it’s the fact that death has a way of making us reflect on where we should be… or maybe it’s the fact that death makes us aware that time is not guaranteed. Either way, I believe that God use lost to wake us up to the conditions around us; to make us aware that we don’t have all the time in the world to play with our purpose.  We don’t have forever to live beneath our potential, nor do we have forever to take our time to get it right. These are the lessons I am learning as I mourn the lost of my “little brother”, 16 and gone.

Do you know the saddest part of this mourning process? It took my baby bro’s death to wake me up to the fact that I can’t keep slacking where it concerns this blog.  I cannot continue to short change my dream and expect amazing-ness  to happen. Living in mediocrity is no longer sufficient, and being complacent is no longer an option. Once upon a time, I used to think I had all the time in the world – now I know that is not true, I’m not guaranteed time and neither are you.

What a scary thought to have. The thought of maybe I am living below my purpose, maybe just maybe my life is not adding up, is the scariest of them all. I don’t know about you but when I examine my own life that is a tough pill to swallow. Yes, I’m going to law  school in the fall and yes, I graduated from undergrad with no kids but am I truly living out purpose every single day or am I just getting by? When you realize that death is no respect of persons, that death cares nothing about your life plan and that death is inevitable it changes your mindset and propel you to live in/on purpose. Live giving your  all and allow yourself to walk in your divine destiny.

You are here for such a time as this, purposed to touch the earth- find your purpose and live it out. Leave complacency and take advantage of the time you’ve been given. Pray for me guys and you’ll be hearing from me soon.

Until next time,

Simone

The Choice

I made a choice to wait for you.

I made a conscious decision to wait- and even though the insides of my heart aches

I still made a choice.

Do I have regrets?

I say no as I’m visibly upset that you are not here .

Have I made myself absolutely clear?

Your presence or lack thereof is breaking me.

I’m breaking slowly,

as I reminisce on my time with you.

I don’t even think you know the effect you have on me

as I sit in this rain bath

and laugh

because I remember smiling in the rain with you.

I remember windows being down and reggae playing on the radio

as the summer heavens unleashed it’s tears to the earth –

and now I unleash tears, rivers and rivers of tears…

yet I made the choice.

If it was up to Momma, you would be forgotten.

Up to Daddy you would be dead, it it was up to my lovely sister

you would be kicked in the head – yet it was I that placed time and my life on the line

and I chose you.

The sacrifice was real, the feelings true-

I gave all of myself for the chance to love you.

It was my choice and now I’m living with the pain I accepted.

Look at what I adopted, my faux bundle of joy-

more like package of sorrow- but there’s always tomorrow

and maybe then God will allow change to come.

©Simone Holloway, 2016

 

Mourning

My dream died yesterday...
he drew his last breath
and I cried....and I cried....and I cried
my dream, my child, my love -died.
so I tried to get myself together
as shock took over me
but as I laid my dreams to rest, a little bit of me
was buried with him and I too died
I died on the inside
in the hollows of my heart, I passed away
and I saw her, my optimistic self at rest
in the casket with hope and belief
as I performed my own eulogy
I too need peace.
As she and he passed into eternity
so did I
yesterday was the day a little piece of me died.
©Simone Holloway, 2015

Featured Image Credit: http://manifesta10.org/media/uploads/images/mourne.gif.1024x768_q95_detail_upscale.jpg