Trust Issues

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers, 

My name is Simone and I have trust issues.  Yep, it’s true – I have a hard time with trust.  I thought this journey of becoming was going to be easy.  I shouted on the promise that year 26 was going to be the year of eradicating my fears.  On January 11th, I thought God was going to eradicate fear out of my life by challenging me to do new and exciting things like traveling or skydiving.  I had no idea that His eradication process would consist of moving back home or admitting to my community one of my issues.  I never imagined this post being apart of the plan, but yet here we are.

Let’s start from the beginning.  I am preacher’s kid, I grew up in church memorizing and reciting scripture.  I’ve probably heard the term “Trust the Lord” more times than I can count.  So much so, that the phrase became a cliche and Proverbs 3:5-6 was just another reminder of my childhood Sunday School class.  I don’t think I’ve ever come into a place of complete trust.  The majority of the years of my fellowship with God have been marred by skepticism.  I would declare trust only to get into circumstances that revealed that I truly didn’t believe that He cared about me deeply.

Whoah.. that moment of transparency was a lot but let’s continue.  So, why my lack of trust?  Fear.  I was afraid to trust again.  I’ve placed my trust in individuals and experienced disappointment, in churches and left broken, in systems that have failed and I think over the years I’ve equated all of the heartbreak with trusting in God.  My lack of trust stemmed from a fear of shame.  Even last night, I had a need. I’ve been praying for the longest and last night was the deadline.  I remember saying to the Lord, “I’m not trying to be out here looking embarrassed.  You got me out here in the middle of nowhere proclaiming that you’re with me and if you don’t come through, I’m going to be so ashamed.  I’m not placing trust in you to end up humiliated.” If I was Him, I would have been so offended.  I mean God has done so many things for me: time and time again and I still didn’t fully trust Him to keep His Word.  I mean let that sink in… homie has proven himself even died on a cross and we’re still at this crossroads of trust.  Yet, in gentleness, he spoke these words to me:

Those that place their trust in me will never be ashamed.  If you trust me, you have no need to be afraid.  I won’t let you down.

I surrendered to his request to trust Him.  The need was not met last night but it was provided for this morning.  He came through, just like He said he would.

I have a friend that one night in a rehearsal began singing “You always do what you say you’ll do.”  In a moment of vulnerability, he began to sing that line over and over proclaiming that God could be trusted.  That line came back to me this morning and I began to sing it too.  The fact of the matter is, God is trustworthy.  I can’t say the same for every person, or job opportunity or even my own logic or reasoning, but I can say that about the one who has not switched up on me even when he had every reason to.  I can be a lot.  A lot to deal with, a lot to console, a lot to journey with.  I can be really headstrong, stubborn sometimes, petty on my good days and unforgiving on my bad days. I’m a lover of justice and my pride will convince me that I can be both judge and jury but that’s not my job.  I know me.  So for God to stick with me all these years is a testament of His love.  He loves me beyond me and that amazes me every single time.

Early this morning, I prayed a simple prayer:  “Lord, will you help me?  I want to trust you and those you’ve given me.  Can you please teach me how to trust?”  That was step one.  Now, I’m leaning into him. I’ve chosen to trust Him and share my journey with each of you in spite of the risk.  At the end of the day, He got me and He’s going to make sure I’m good!

Friends, will you let him speak to your fears? To deal with your issues?  I know it uncomfortable and there is this notion of risk involved in healing but what is the alternative?  Living life alone?  Worrying about everything all the time?  Always viewing people and situations through the lens of skepticism?  Dr. Matthew Stevenson III stated that “everything we need to receive is funneled through trust.” Every gift in a person or relationship, every prophecy, every amount of healing comes through trust.  We cannot get what we need if we do not trust.  I think this is why God is dealing with trust within me because He’s promised me some things that will only come if I place trust in Him.  I can’t go to my next outside of trust.  I encourage you to be honest with yourself and ask some hard questions. For example: Do you really trust God?, Do you trust anyone?  If not, what is the fear that’s keeping you from trusting in God’s love for you?  And lastly,  do you want to be able to trust?  All it takes is an honest conversation with God and community and I promise He will help you!

May you find the courage to be honest and the strength to trust in the One who hasn’t switched up on you.

Xoxo,

Simone

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“Trust Issues” sermon by Dr. Matthew Stevenson III: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znoJoFw0f00

 

The New Adventures of Old Simone

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers,

I had a friend once who every time we would work together say “The new adventures of old Simone”.  I used to laugh and agree with him until one Christmas he said the same thing and I did not like it. “No….the new adventures of new Simone, get it right.” I said as matter -of -factually as one can say in a bandanna dancing to Christmas music.  It was as if his words rubbed me the wrong way and I did not want to be recognized with my old self.  I was becoming new inside and out and his comment struck a chord of anger deep down inside of me. I’ve lived a majority of my life doing the same old same old, day in and day out.  I was a creature of habit and loved routines, wasn’t really big on spontaneity or trying something new.  Crazy, huh?  Looking back, I am slightly flabbergasted at my lack of a fun gene being in my body.    Anyways, I hated change and because of this  kept having new adventures with my old boring self.

That Christmas I was seeking everything in my life to be new.  I was getting rid of old boyfriends, crushes, flings, friendships, etc and was looking for something new.  I even stopped hanging out with the same people.  I was becoming bored and stale and sought for some excitement.  This meant that the months before Christ’s birthday- I pushed the envelope on my interests.  I began to listen to different types of music, eat different types of food.  Everything I said I would never eat, I ate so that I could make an informed judgment.  I went hiking for one of the first times, spent some time in a  canoe and basically became slightly outdoorsy.  I decided that I was going to try everything i could and not live life safe because I was afraid of the risks.  I became fearless.

This new mantra slightly scared my friend, I didn’t realize it before but the old me was a point of safety for him.  I was steady and for me to get up and change everything was frightening.  What I saw as boring and outdated, he saw as safe and reliable.  What I saw as old, he saw as vintage  and timeless.  I was trying so hard to reinvent myself that I lost the core attributes of who I was.  There is nothing wrong about being steady, having a routine and being on top of things. There is also nothing wrong with expanding your horizons and spontaneity, there just has to be a balance.   I lost my balance.

The next  year, I returned back to my true self and I appreciated all that I learned during my period of pushing the envelope.  I appreciate creation but would rather stay in a hotel than camp.  I love to canoe but not for extensive amounts of time and I realized that I am a Gospel music girl and that’s okay.  I am steady and because I like things a certain way does not mean that I’m boring or old but rather that I am reliable and timeless.  I have fun and I enjoy life to point that even when it seems like life is drastically changing, my inner core foundation with God and others stay the same.  Welcome to the new adventures of old Simone.

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

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Who Am I?

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

Over the past year or so, I have been “blessed” to discover who I really am.  I used the word blessed loosely because in the process of self-awareness I felt everything but blessed.  I felt ashamed, bad, misguided, hopeless, and was filled with just plain shock to discover that for so long I have been lying even to myself and hiding under a facade of sorts to keep face.  I’ve been going through this process because in order for someone to discover me, I have to discover myself.  What does this mean?  This means that I should know my likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, pursuits/ambitions, and I should recognize my failures.

The problem that I discovered with myself is that I did not know who I was, had absolutely no idea.  This became a problem in all of my relationships, because I did not know me I would become like Play-dough and morph into what others wanted me to be.  Wow, that’s’ harsh one might say, but it’s the truth.  Morphing takes a lot of practice.  Can you imagine being everything for everybody, it’s a lot of work..  Frankly, I was tired of working so hard to be disingenuous, so I stopped and went on a year journey discovering myself.  Some of the things I discovered, I was not happy about but the truth does not change whether we are happy with it or not.   I discovered that I was selfish, I had trust issues, I run from my problems instead of facing them head on.  I discovered that I love with everything but because of love lost, I’ve grown bitter and built a wall that only Jesus Christ himself could ever get through.  I discovered that I used my career as an excuse to hide and keep away from potential suitors.   I discovered that I am driven and sometimes this drive turns into arrogance and I come to believe that I could make it by myself without God’s help.  I discovered that I knew these things about myself but refused to address them, thinking that if I leave these things alone- they would disappear.  That is not how life works.  In my discovery, I faced my brokenness, my sin, and my ignorance and I began to run to God to find out who I truly was.  In my journey, I realized that if I  am real with God, He will be real with me.  If I hide my wounds I could never be healed.  If I hide my addictions and secret sins I would never be set free.  If I hide my heart I could never experience the fullness of His love.

My point in writing this blog post was to raise the question of identity.  Who are you?  Do you know who you are?  If so, what are you doing with this knowledge? The reasons why some of our relationships are so topsy-turvy is because we have no idea who we are. One day we’re free, the next day we’re bond.  One day we are on top of the world, the next day we are the scum of the earth.  One day we’re head over heels in love the next day we are buried in hatred.  We have no idea of our likes, dislikes, strengths, and weakness.  We have no idea who we want to become because we don’t know who we are.  The problem is identity and once we can answer that question, truthfully we can begin a journey of healing and restoration.  We can freely hear God’s voice speaking to us to lead and guide us into our future.  How can we build a life with someone if we don’t know the life we would like to build with ourselves? I’m at the place in my life of realness and transparency- I know who I am and I know who I would like to be.  This knowledge has allowed to me to know who can come with me on that journey and who simply has to stay home.  I can learn someone else because I know who I am and I know the One who knows me inside and out.  If you ever asked the question: God, Why am I not married yet?  The answer is: Do you know who you are?  That’s the answer. One cannot enter into a life long commitment unless they can be real with themselves and real with God.  If you can’t be real with God and can’t even see Him there is no way you can be real with someone else.

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

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