Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers,
My name is Simone and I have trust issues. Yep, it’s true – I have a hard time with trust. I thought this journey of becoming was going to be easy. I shouted on the promise that year 26 was going to be the year of eradicating my fears. On January 11th, I thought God was going to eradicate fear out of my life by challenging me to do new and exciting things like traveling or skydiving. I had no idea that His eradication process would consist of moving back home or admitting to my community one of my issues. I never imagined this post being apart of the plan, but yet here we are.
Let’s start from the beginning. I am preacher’s kid, I grew up in church memorizing and reciting scripture. I’ve probably heard the term “Trust the Lord” more times than I can count. So much so, that the phrase became a cliche and Proverbs 3:5-6 was just another reminder of my childhood Sunday School class. I don’t think I’ve ever come into a place of complete trust. The majority of the years of my fellowship with God have been marred by skepticism. I would declare trust only to get into circumstances that revealed that I truly didn’t believe that He cared about me deeply.
Whoah.. that moment of transparency was a lot but let’s continue. So, why my lack of trust? Fear. I was afraid to trust again. I’ve placed my trust in individuals and experienced disappointment, in churches and left broken, in systems that have failed and I think over the years I’ve equated all of the heartbreak with trusting in God. My lack of trust stemmed from a fear of shame. Even last night, I had a need. I’ve been praying for the longest and last night was the deadline. I remember saying to the Lord, “I’m not trying to be out here looking embarrassed. You got me out here in the middle of nowhere proclaiming that you’re with me and if you don’t come through, I’m going to be so ashamed. I’m not placing trust in you to end up humiliated.” If I was Him, I would have been so offended. I mean God has done so many things for me: time and time again and I still didn’t fully trust Him to keep His Word. I mean let that sink in… homie has proven himself even died on a cross and we’re still at this crossroads of trust. Yet, in gentleness, he spoke these words to me:
Those that place their trust in me will never be ashamed. If you trust me, you have no need to be afraid. I won’t let you down.
I surrendered to his request to trust Him. The need was not met last night but it was provided for this morning. He came through, just like He said he would.
I have a friend that one night in a rehearsal began singing “You always do what you say you’ll do.” In a moment of vulnerability, he began to sing that line over and over proclaiming that God could be trusted. That line came back to me this morning and I began to sing it too. The fact of the matter is, God is trustworthy. I can’t say the same for every person, or job opportunity or even my own logic or reasoning, but I can say that about the one who has not switched up on me even when he had every reason to. I can be a lot. A lot to deal with, a lot to console, a lot to journey with. I can be really headstrong, stubborn sometimes, petty on my good days and unforgiving on my bad days. I’m a lover of justice and my pride will convince me that I can be both judge and jury but that’s not my job. I know me. So for God to stick with me all these years is a testament of His love. He loves me beyond me and that amazes me every single time.
Early this morning, I prayed a simple prayer: “Lord, will you help me? I want to trust you and those you’ve given me. Can you please teach me how to trust?” That was step one. Now, I’m leaning into him. I’ve chosen to trust Him and share my journey with each of you in spite of the risk. At the end of the day, He got me and He’s going to make sure I’m good!
Friends, will you let him speak to your fears? To deal with your issues? I know it uncomfortable and there is this notion of risk involved in healing but what is the alternative? Living life alone? Worrying about everything all the time? Always viewing people and situations through the lens of skepticism? Dr. Matthew Stevenson III stated that “everything we need to receive is funneled through trust.” Every gift in a person or relationship, every prophecy, every amount of healing comes through trust. We cannot get what we need if we do not trust. I think this is why God is dealing with trust within me because He’s promised me some things that will only come if I place trust in Him. I can’t go to my next outside of trust. I encourage you to be honest with yourself and ask some hard questions. For example: Do you really trust God?, Do you trust anyone? If not, what is the fear that’s keeping you from trusting in God’s love for you? And lastly, do you want to be able to trust? All it takes is an honest conversation with God and community and I promise He will help you!
May you find the courage to be honest and the strength to trust in the One who hasn’t switched up on you.
“Trust Issues” sermon by Dr. Matthew Stevenson III: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znoJoFw0f00