Memories

I remember being prompted to write to you.

To unleash all of my thoughts and to direct them solely to you.

But fear came in, and I determined

that I could not bear such a weight of honesty.

I did not want to face this insecurity,

so I remained silent.

Yet, I could not continue to hide that…

my mind remembers you.

My mind is also convinced that 1+1=2…

that one day there will be

the two of us, freely

engaged in a relationship with one another

and not just simply together.

My mind and not just my heart is shipping us on the daily.

To tell the truth, you’re to blame

because since our first meeting I haven’t been the same

and that’s when fear and doubt came…

and I silently watched you forfeit the love game.

Hmmm… isn’t it crazy that after all the time that’s gone by,

after sleeping under different parts of the skies,

after absent vacations, birthdays and graduations,

after new jobs and new life situations,

after twists, turns, life unexpected promises,

after suicidal attempts and divine God-visits,

after years of addictions and brand new shoes,

after realizing that life was more than being cool..

I still cannot forget about you.

Trust me, I tried.

I stood in the mirror and lied,

said that I didn’t love you anymore.

I went too far in my confession, I even swore-

to those that loved me dearly and to those who witnessed my pain.

I promised I wouldn’t choose you, because I didn’t want you to break me again.

But my mind doesn’t care because I remember:

Indian and Thai food, Lakers, “Lebron, the princess!”, Christmas 2012, Phoenix (Parisian boys), “I’m destiny, you’re looking at it”, bagging contest, CNC galore, food science degrees, brewery dreams, “Sept. 15, Don’t forget!”, fields and fields of broken dreams.  July 10, 2011,> hands clasped at the altar.

I remember and I tried desperately to forget.

For 5+ years, every moment I’ve had in life has found a way to connect to you.

So… I know I’m intelligent, but maybe I’m a fool.

Because even on your worst days- I still want to be with you!

Maybe this is grace personified in me,

maybe this is love, maybe this is being free.

Maybe this is compassion bestowed liberally…

all in all, still remains the question of what to do.

Yes, I’ll admit it.  I never stopped loving you.

©Simone Holloway, 2018

FIC: https://i2.wp.com/indiacurrents.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/memories.jpg?resize=500%2C333&ssl=1

New Garments

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers- 

It’s a rarity that I post twice but when things change in your life, it deems time fit for another post.  After the post earlier (Shades Down and Lights Off),  I sat on my bed and just began to think.  I thought about God, my life, my past, my present, my hopes, and desires.  To calm the anxious thoughts in my mind, I searched for the 8AM sermon at All Nations Worship Assembly.  Instead of a traditional sermon, Apostle Stevenson got up and began to pray against the spirits of death, suicide, and anxiety.  Man oh man, that prayer wrecked me.  He had no idea that a young girl in SC would listen to something he imparted into Chicago earlier that morning.  I sat, cried, worshipped and kneeled and in that moment I felt the beautiful presence of God. In my lowest of lows, His love came to the rescue once again.  I removed my clothes of sadness and mourning and changed into garments of joy.  My peace returned to me and I decided to go to church again: this time in new garments!

How great is our God, that when we think it’s all over He shows up?  When we turn to Him and express our need for Him, he comes to our rescue- so faithful and so kind, is he.  There’s a lyric in this song called “Reckless Love” that says “There’s no wall you won’t kick down/ Lie you won’t tear down/ Coming after me”  And today, He kicked down some self-made walls and he tore down the lies I  was being enticed to believe.  Loves, I want to affirm you today.  You are NOT a lost cause.  You are NOT hopeless.  You are NOT going to remain in the same situation overwhelmed by the same things.  God STILL loves you.  He STILL chooses you.  He STILL desires you and though your mind may say otherwise, HE thinks of you the SAME.  Today, in my darkest moment the Father showed up in grace, mercy and reckless love.  You are not alone, for the Creator of all good things comes to you- ready in hand with whatever you need.

Thank you for the prayers,  thanks for being my online family and thanks for giving me the freedom to live a transparent life.  I love you all very much!

Xoxo,

Simone 

FIC: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-mZaIKqL7HIM/TyooZ_7sj-I/AAAAAAAAAbI/oBUqO-zywVY/s1600/jacobscoat.jpg

Was It Worth It?

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers- 

Good evening.  Tonight’s post was hard to write, for it forced me to face another level of vulnerability within myself.  Transparency makes me slightly uncomfortable but I’ve resolved that to live the life the Father has created for me, I must be transparent.  I don’t know if it’s been noticeable, but I have been pretty silent on this platform.  The fact of the matter was the passion I had for this blog 4 years have diminished greatly.  It was no fault of WordPress or even of you all, my blog family, ultimately it dwindled to the absence of passion for life.  Have you ever been in something for so long, you didn’t realize that you no longer found joy in it?  That was the place I found myself in, stuck in this grind for success that I hit a brick wall of pros and cons to why I should continue in this race.

Everything I loved to do became a chore.  Reading became a burden as  I read 100s of pages for class, writing became a nightmare as I realized that my style didn’t add up to academia, singing became an obligation and reminder of imperfection, even serving the Father seemed like a weight that was too heavy to bear.  I lost myself in the day to day routine of trying to become something so that I can finally act on what I felt called to do.  Frankly, I got to the crossroads of my purpose and hated what I witnessed.  Then regret began to sink in: regrets for orchestrating my whole life toward a certain career, regrets for choosing a lifestyle void of an intimate relationship to abstain from distraction, regrets for choosing to do what’s honorable when wronged, regrets for making certain vows to the Lord, regrets for obeying what He has asked of me,  just a whole lot of regret for what seemed to be wasted time…

The concept of waste is a real one for me, for I have invested countless things and it seems like there was no return.  I wonder if there is anyone like me:  you’ve sacrificed time, energy, money into things and people and it seems like there was no return.  What a waste, right? Wrong.  Tonight I had to come to the reality that all that I’ve done was not in vain, that my pursuit of the hard thing over what was convenient and comfortable was indeed worth it! The Father has seen every stride towards purpose and to him, all my sacrifices were sufficient.

I believe that the moment we see our lives as a giant garden, filled with seeds of actions sown to better those around us – we’ll keep planting even in the hard times.  Seeds appear to be dead before they bloom, and what we sow now will reap us a harvest later.  All that we’ve experienced will reap a harvest in the season to come!  I am reminded of Jesus’ action of dying on the cross, his sacrifice is reaping the harvest of salvation even today.   Friends, if I can encourage you with anything- your hard work, your choice of what’s right, your pursuit of the Father, and your continuous love for people is worth every second.  In spite of what circumstances want to convince you of, may you be persuaded that a harvest is coming- a harvest of “success”, continual joy and fulfillment, and everything you need to change your world. May you be reminded that your good deeds are not in vain and may you continue in this race to the finished line.

My passion for life has been renewed, for the Giver of Life lifts me up and encourages me to remain in my pursuit. He reminds me of His faithfulness and nudges me with His goodness.  He speaks words of wisdom and comfort to combat my troubled heart, caressing away every fear.  In Him lies all joy and his truth reminds me that I am equipped to do all He’s placed in my hands.

Friends, I’ve battled so many relational issues in the past months, and I would love to share my thoughts with you.  I don’t know about each of you, but it seems like this painful place was designed to grow me in my pursuit of the Father- to teach me what to do and what not to do.  Seasons like these are not only critical but absolutely necessary to evolve.  It is the winter that seeds are sown, surviving the harsh weather in preparation for spring.  Life has been a giant winter season: dark, cold and slightly discouraging but spring is coming and because of that there is hope.

I look forward to sharing many things with each of you in the near distant future!

Until next time,

Simone

FIC: https://www.thespruce.com/how-deeply-should-seeds-be-planted-2539711

📷 Credit: Roger Spooner/The Image Bank/Getty Images

25: Life Updates, Goals and Other Musings

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers- 

WELCOME to Authentic Love: God, Relationships, and Life!  This is our first post of 2018, and I thought it should consist of some life updates, goals, and other musings rolling around in this brilliant noggin of mine.

OK, let’s get started! 

First, I am officially 25 years old! I celebrated a birthday last Thursday.  Oh My Gosh, I feel so old!  Ancient.  I can’t really explain the feeling but it’s like I’m more aware of 30 being around the corner than a year ago.  I felt a light bulb switch within me, where my concern is more about becoming settled within so that I can create a legacy for the generation to come.  My concern is now more about my influence rather than my inadequacies and my excuses for why I can’t be great are dwindling one by one.   I believe that this year is going to be one of change for me.  No longer will I hide behind fear and inward brokenness, I have given myself the permission to be my God-created self, clothed in transparency and truth.

Second, like every year, I have mapped out a few goals for this year. Here they are:

  • #1- To settle into who I am.  I have spent so many years, explaining why I am “this particular” person, that I have lost time appreciating, valuing and thriving within my difference.  It’s a goal of mine to take time this year to value me.  When you’ve spent so many years devaluing yourself, it’s like a culture shock to actually come to a place of genuine, pure self-love. I was the person that had a love for everyone else, but herself and that pattern to downplay what’s on the inside is being destroyed this year.
  • #2-To stop apologizing.  Like many, I suffered from people-pleasing tendencies, apologizing for things said and done.  However, I am no longer apologizing for other’s preferences on who I should be, how I should speak, how I should address things and etc.  This year is one of OFFENSE: oh well, if one doesn’t like the heat, they should stay out of the kitchen.  A lot of people confuse, Christianity’s requirement to love to equate being a pushover and doormat- subjected to the opinions of others, but Christ was neither.  He loved well and spoke his mind.  He threw shade like a sport, called the Pharisees vipers and threw over tables in the temple.  He had no problem being passionate, reckless and even offensive because, at the end of the day, He stuck to his beliefs without apology. Ultimately, in life, ©©© I strive to be like Him!
  • #3- To build this brand/grow this audience.  I think that growth is very important and that this blog is made to be bigger than what it is.  I’ve been lazy and super complacent out of fear, like what if I pour my heart into this next phase of the blog and it still fails, but I’ve already failed by not trying.  So this year, I’m going to take some risks with this blog. (HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE- YOU ALL ARE FREE TO CALL ME OUT!) For real, I want to do more in my interaction with each of you. Please feel free to email me your suggestions:  Should I post more?  Should I post more dating articles? Should I share more personal stories?  Poetry or prose?  Let me know! (Click on the Wanna Contact Me page and reach me there!)
  • #4- To rebuild significant relationships.  Keyword: significant.  I’m not striving for trash-filled/toxic people to return, but I am open to mending fences with healthy relationships that may have evolved due to various circumstances.  I think mending, forgiveness, and restoration are VERY important and these are things I am willing to do.
  • #5- To share my gifts with the world.  I think I’ve allowed intimidation and insecurities to stall me for too long.  Like I’ve equated the value of my gift with the success of someone else’s and that is not the mindset to have.  My gift and it’s potential to thrive has nothing to do with anyone else and therefore, it would a great injustice to live life intimidated to the point that I don’t produce.  It’s time to come out of the shadows and to thrive.

Lastly, here are several musings that were bouncing around the ole noggin waiting for an opportunity to be set free into the world, willing to be shared with each of you:

  • You are enough. Period.
  • You are allowed to be different.  Again, drops mic *
  • Who you are is just as significant as anyone else.
  • You don’t have to live in sadness.  I’ve believed the opposite for way too long, it’s time to live in the freedom that is joy
  • Your past has nothing to do with your future.  For real, NOTHING!
  • God still loves you.  I promise you, He does…
  • Change is good, in fact, change sometimes is BETTER.

Well…it’s been real! ✌️

Until next time,

Simone 💋

 

FIC: https://img0.etsystatic.com/180/2/12908381/il_340x270.1190471518_qcwk.jpg

*FIC = Featured Image Credit*

Body Shaming

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

I know it’s extremely late, but I just got a spare moment to write to you all about something that has been placed on my heart.  Whether you realize it or not, I speak a lot about being transparent on this blog because I believe that transparency creates freedom; freedom to believe in yourself, freedom to love and just plain freedom to live.  Since, I stand by this belief system- I have made it my purpose to walk this thing out.  How can I encourage transparency among you guys and not walk in myself???

So tonight, I wanted to speak with you all about something I am currently working on to overcome.  When I was 15 years old, I was involved in some friendships, relationships and etc that were very toxic to my well-being.  These individuals ministered the message of “never enough” in their eyes- me being myself, was not enough for them.  So… being filled with all manners of insecurities, branching from situations of my past- I quickly believed this saying.  I wasn’t enough, and would never be enough unless I did something to prove otherwise.  This obsession with validation became a door for anorexia.

Anorexia nervosa (anorexia) is defined as an eating disorder characterized by abnormal body weight, the intense fear of gaining weight and a distorted perception of body weight. (Mayo Clinic, 2003) This eating disorder became my acquaintance as I slowly realized how much I hated myself.  I hated the way I looked, I hated how “thick” I was., I hated that my lips were so big,  I hated my complexion and everything that made up me because in my mind- I was not beautiful and would never be beautiful.  I equated beauty with equality and acceptance, while maintaining that if I just lost a few more pounds I would be beautiful.

So for two years..I lived a lifestyle of lying.  I ate nonexistent big breakfasts and I ate just enough “lunch” to skip dinner, I lived a lifestyle of creating this discipline of neglecting my body of the fuel it needed to grow.  I didn’t want to grow wide but rather tall and skinny like all the models in  my favorite magazines.  I began to shame myself, there was no need for anyone else to shame me.  “I’m so fat!” became apart of my vocabulary and when I couldn’t fit into my pants just right- the world ended because my thighs needed a little more room to breathe. I hated me.

So now…I’m 22 years old, building this fabulous life with God when I notice that my weight  has increased.  I love me, or so I thought until I couldn’t fit into my jeans and had to go a size up- and those old insecurities began to flare their heads.  “I’m so fat!” became once again the language of my life and I’m terrified to weigh myself and see what eating my feelings have truly done to me.  “I am fearfully and wonderfully made….” I take a deep breath and say the scripture over and over- I am beautiful with my love handles.  I am gorgeous with my muffin top.

Uggghhh…but it becomes harder to believe and I sense a trigger on the horizon, so I talk to a friend to see what I can do.  You know the Enemy tries us in areas to see if we will fall back into our old habits and ways.  I started eating healthy and I stopped counting calories, but here comes the old joker ready to make mention of the ways I haven’t been eating good.  My friend told me to step on the scale to truly see how much I weighed- I only gained 4 pounds.  The Enemy had me believing I gained 10-15 pounds, that I was getting more and more unattractive at the second because of my love handles and the extra pudginess of fat that cover my abdomen but he’s a liar.  I only gained 4 pounds…. 4 pounds.  I was complaining about 4 measly pounds.

I learned something today, learn to love yourself in all aspects of your life and that true confidence is understanding that the Word of God is true and therefore everything else is irrelevant.  I thought I would share that with you…..

If you or someone is suffering from an eating disorder, please do not keep that hidden to yourself- share with someone you trust and begin getting your life back as soon as possible.  You can beat this mental disease, I know you can – through understanding that God loves you and that He made you perfect in His image.  Some days you are not going to feel beautiful, some days you are not going to feel loved, but all in all you are loved and you are beautiful. 

I am loved and I am beautiful.  The more I say this, the more I believe this and the more it becomes true.

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

Featured Image Credit: http://www.bulimia.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/anorexia.jpg

The Jig Is Up

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers –

Honesty is one of the best tools employed by God to produce freedom.  I’ve struggled with things a majority of my life, over the last few years it has been sexual sin(in the form of porn and/or masturbation).  I can freely speak on these things, because I have been made free from these sins .  Even after freedom, the Enemy has plagued me for the last six months- telling me that God didn’t really set me free and that I was still bound to him.  The worst part is as I became tired from fighting, I began to believe him.  What if I was still bound to my past? What if there are roots in me that is keeping me stuck to the Enemy?  So today…I did some research, I desired to know scripture to combat the enemy, so I looked up what the Bible has to say about masturbation.  I found that the Church doesn’t like to talk about these things, which is sad because if we discussed some of these things … more people would be free.

John 8:32 says”Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” NIV

That’s the beauty of the truth, it exposes what you may have never seen in order to guide you to freedom.

God showed me that the root for my dealings with sexual sin was the fact that I didn’t love myself.  I said I loved myself and projected this false sense of confidence but in actuality, I neither loved nor saw myself the way God loved and saw me.  This is why I allowed loneliness to rob me of so many years.  This is why I entered into so many awful relationships and this is why I allowed people to mistreat and mishandle me for so long. God saw me as precious, but I saw myself as worthless- meaning absolutely nothing to those around me.  This was the root cause of what’s been going on in the my life…

What are your roots?  Why are dealing with the sin you are entrapped in?  If you ask…the Holy Spirit will show you the exact cause of your voluntary bondage.

Secret sins only exist if we allow them to remain a secret.  I’ve learned that I rather tell on myself, be transparent and free then to be bound to the bondage of silence.  Some don’t care for my transparency but I won’t change my path of freedom for another’s opinion.

You can not love unconditionally until you receive the unconditional love given  to you.  As you receive My love, I show you your value and worth in Me.  You then come to love yourself and others.

These are the words the Holy Spirit ministered to me this evening, and so I share them with you.  It’s time to face our fears, demons, setbacks and disappointments. It’s time to be truly honest with oneself and destroy the charade that some of us has been presenting for years.  So join me as we tell the world that we will live in truth and we will walk in freedom.

With God’s help, I am learning to love and see myself the way He does.  As I progress in Him, He gives me the strength to be the best I can be.  You can be the best you can be.  You can be free.  No matter what the addiction is, no matter the circumstance, no matter the habit – freedom can be yours as well.  I believe in a God that is bigger than what I am facing and bigger than what I am going through.  His love can set you free!

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

© 2015

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