Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-
I know it’s extremely late, but I just got a spare moment to write to you all about something that has been placed on my heart. Whether you realize it or not, I speak a lot about being transparent on this blog because I believe that transparency creates freedom; freedom to believe in yourself, freedom to love and just plain freedom to live. Since, I stand by this belief system- I have made it my purpose to walk this thing out. How can I encourage transparency among you guys and not walk in myself???
So tonight, I wanted to speak with you all about something I am currently working on to overcome. When I was 15 years old, I was involved in some friendships, relationships and etc that were very toxic to my well-being. These individuals ministered the message of “never enough” in their eyes- me being myself, was not enough for them. So… being filled with all manners of insecurities, branching from situations of my past- I quickly believed this saying. I wasn’t enough, and would never be enough unless I did something to prove otherwise. This obsession with validation became a door for anorexia.
Anorexia nervosa (anorexia) is defined as an eating disorder characterized by abnormal body weight, the intense fear of gaining weight and a distorted perception of body weight. (Mayo Clinic, 2003) This eating disorder became my acquaintance as I slowly realized how much I hated myself. I hated the way I looked, I hated how “thick” I was., I hated that my lips were so big, I hated my complexion and everything that made up me because in my mind- I was not beautiful and would never be beautiful. I equated beauty with equality and acceptance, while maintaining that if I just lost a few more pounds I would be beautiful.
So for two years..I lived a lifestyle of lying. I ate nonexistent big breakfasts and I ate just enough “lunch” to skip dinner, I lived a lifestyle of creating this discipline of neglecting my body of the fuel it needed to grow. I didn’t want to grow wide but rather tall and skinny like all the models in my favorite magazines. I began to shame myself, there was no need for anyone else to shame me. “I’m so fat!” became apart of my vocabulary and when I couldn’t fit into my pants just right- the world ended because my thighs needed a little more room to breathe. I hated me.
So now…I’m 22 years old, building this fabulous life with God when I notice that my weight has increased. I love me, or so I thought until I couldn’t fit into my jeans and had to go a size up- and those old insecurities began to flare their heads. “I’m so fat!” became once again the language of my life and I’m terrified to weigh myself and see what eating my feelings have truly done to me. “I am fearfully and wonderfully made….” I take a deep breath and say the scripture over and over- I am beautiful with my love handles. I am gorgeous with my muffin top.
Uggghhh…but it becomes harder to believe and I sense a trigger on the horizon, so I talk to a friend to see what I can do. You know the Enemy tries us in areas to see if we will fall back into our old habits and ways. I started eating healthy and I stopped counting calories, but here comes the old joker ready to make mention of the ways I haven’t been eating good. My friend told me to step on the scale to truly see how much I weighed- I only gained 4 pounds. The Enemy had me believing I gained 10-15 pounds, that I was getting more and more unattractive at the second because of my love handles and the extra pudginess of fat that cover my abdomen but he’s a liar. I only gained 4 pounds…. 4 pounds. I was complaining about 4 measly pounds.
I learned something today, learn to love yourself in all aspects of your life and that true confidence is understanding that the Word of God is true and therefore everything else is irrelevant. I thought I would share that with you…..
If you or someone is suffering from an eating disorder, please do not keep that hidden to yourself- share with someone you trust and begin getting your life back as soon as possible. You can beat this mental disease, I know you can – through understanding that God loves you and that He made you perfect in His image. Some days you are not going to feel beautiful, some days you are not going to feel loved, but all in all you are loved and you are beautiful.
I am loved and I am beautiful. The more I say this, the more I believe this and the more it becomes true.
Until next time,
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