Body Shaming

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

I know it’s extremely late, but I just got a spare moment to write to you all about something that has been placed on my heart.  Whether you realize it or not, I speak a lot about being transparent on this blog because I believe that transparency creates freedom; freedom to believe in yourself, freedom to love and just plain freedom to live.  Since, I stand by this belief system- I have made it my purpose to walk this thing out.  How can I encourage transparency among you guys and not walk in myself???

So tonight, I wanted to speak with you all about something I am currently working on to overcome.  When I was 15 years old, I was involved in some friendships, relationships and etc that were very toxic to my well-being.  These individuals ministered the message of “never enough” in their eyes- me being myself, was not enough for them.  So… being filled with all manners of insecurities, branching from situations of my past- I quickly believed this saying.  I wasn’t enough, and would never be enough unless I did something to prove otherwise.  This obsession with validation became a door for anorexia.

Anorexia nervosa (anorexia) is defined as an eating disorder characterized by abnormal body weight, the intense fear of gaining weight and a distorted perception of body weight. (Mayo Clinic, 2003) This eating disorder became my acquaintance as I slowly realized how much I hated myself.  I hated the way I looked, I hated how “thick” I was., I hated that my lips were so big,  I hated my complexion and everything that made up me because in my mind- I was not beautiful and would never be beautiful.  I equated beauty with equality and acceptance, while maintaining that if I just lost a few more pounds I would be beautiful.

So for two years..I lived a lifestyle of lying.  I ate nonexistent big breakfasts and I ate just enough “lunch” to skip dinner, I lived a lifestyle of creating this discipline of neglecting my body of the fuel it needed to grow.  I didn’t want to grow wide but rather tall and skinny like all the models in  my favorite magazines.  I began to shame myself, there was no need for anyone else to shame me.  “I’m so fat!” became apart of my vocabulary and when I couldn’t fit into my pants just right- the world ended because my thighs needed a little more room to breathe. I hated me.

So now…I’m 22 years old, building this fabulous life with God when I notice that my weight  has increased.  I love me, or so I thought until I couldn’t fit into my jeans and had to go a size up- and those old insecurities began to flare their heads.  “I’m so fat!” became once again the language of my life and I’m terrified to weigh myself and see what eating my feelings have truly done to me.  “I am fearfully and wonderfully made….” I take a deep breath and say the scripture over and over- I am beautiful with my love handles.  I am gorgeous with my muffin top.

Uggghhh…but it becomes harder to believe and I sense a trigger on the horizon, so I talk to a friend to see what I can do.  You know the Enemy tries us in areas to see if we will fall back into our old habits and ways.  I started eating healthy and I stopped counting calories, but here comes the old joker ready to make mention of the ways I haven’t been eating good.  My friend told me to step on the scale to truly see how much I weighed- I only gained 4 pounds.  The Enemy had me believing I gained 10-15 pounds, that I was getting more and more unattractive at the second because of my love handles and the extra pudginess of fat that cover my abdomen but he’s a liar.  I only gained 4 pounds…. 4 pounds.  I was complaining about 4 measly pounds.

I learned something today, learn to love yourself in all aspects of your life and that true confidence is understanding that the Word of God is true and therefore everything else is irrelevant.  I thought I would share that with you…..

If you or someone is suffering from an eating disorder, please do not keep that hidden to yourself- share with someone you trust and begin getting your life back as soon as possible.  You can beat this mental disease, I know you can – through understanding that God loves you and that He made you perfect in His image.  Some days you are not going to feel beautiful, some days you are not going to feel loved, but all in all you are loved and you are beautiful. 

I am loved and I am beautiful.  The more I say this, the more I believe this and the more it becomes true.

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

Featured Image Credit: http://www.bulimia.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/anorexia.jpg

Blessings in Disguise

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

Today started a little….on the rough side.  So I got up and got dressed for work, left on time and everything- only to get there and not have a way in.  This seems to be a common theme with my place of work, I need a key but have been waiting on that for the longest.  Of course, I see that I got a text message saying I could come into work an hour later- while I am standing outside the door!  Slowly but surely, I felt the irritation rising as I looked at my mom who sat waiting in the car.  She had to go to school early today because of exams, so this little inconvenience not only affected me but her as well. If I was a lighter complexion, I think she would have seen the redness on my cheeks and the steam rising off of me.

A man’s heart deviseth his way, but the Lord directeth his steps. Proverbs 16:9

So I’m back home, because of unfortunate circumstance, missing a day of work because of the lack of responsibility.  I could do one of two things: wallow in irritation or change my perception of the situation.  Instead of thinking about today being a day of lost wages, I’ll see it as a free spa day: one where I lounge at home, wash my hair, do my nails and just relax! I start another job in the morning, and I need to be really rested for that position.

Today’s case of unfortunate events was just an avenue for a blessing in disguise.

Instead of work and stress, I will be accompanied by peace and relaxation today and I choose to view my day in a new light.  I am blessed, whether I am in the office or not.  I am blessed whether I am strutting in my heels or my house slippers.  I am still blessed.

SO like me, today may have started a little rough.  It may have been super extensive and annoying in the beginning but I bet if you look at your situation you can see the blessing just waiting to be acknowledged.  There is always a blessing in disguise.

P.S. Did I mention that I left my phone in my mom’s car :/ ….. Oh well. guess I am supposed to be unplugged today!

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

Featured Image Credit : https://jmunsta.files.wordpress.com/2014/05/plansteps.jpg

It Wasn’t All Bad

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

I find it hilarious that when something goes wrong between us and those we care about, the only memories we have of them are negative.  It is as if in that moment, all of the good times no longer exist and that our memory has no happy times to reflect on.  It’s just like the enemy to get us to focus on the bad when there is so much good around us, even in the people around us.  I remember having a spat with a friend and the only things I remembered about him were his negative traits, convincing me that being friends with him was not a good idea in the first place.  The problem with this type of thinking, is that this mindset will rob you of some of the most amazing people, experiences and things in life.  People change, things change, places change with a goal of becoming better.  So I can’t look at people from my past here in the present- in the same light, especially if  many years separate our last encounter.  A lot can happen in a year.  In fact a lot can happen in a day, so I need to keep my mind open and ears listening to what’s being said to me.  We all deserve second chances and just because some bad things happen doesn’t mean that they are bad people- maybe misguided but not definitely (without room for change) bad!  I love the gospel because whether you are rich or poor; a businessman or a thief there is always room for change in Jesus.  He causes us to change our attitudes, mindsets, perceptions, and He helps us see the good in the midst of the bad.  So when that person who wronged you stroll your way, allow your self to see them in a new light and embrace the possibility of reconciliation and change.

Life didn’t always suck, it wasn’t all bad- so reflect on those times that were good.

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

Featured Image Credit: https://specialgathering.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/forgiveness.jpg

I’m Gonna Be Happy

Hello Authentic Lovers

I noticed something today…I noticed that I have the power to change my life.  I have the power to determine how I live my life and I have the power to live freely.  Sometimes, we allow others to determine how we feel, how we see the world and what we think of ourselves- but I’m not allowing that this time.  It’s a new season, it’s a new year- I’m operating in a new me and I am going to be happy.  I’ve made up my mind a long time ago that I will no longer live defeated, I  will no longer walk around with my head to the ground: pretending that I don’t know who I am.  I will walk in holy boldness and confidence and I will live my life happy and free. I’m not waiting on the cares of others to live life, I am living for God and me. Period. 

Tonight, I encourage you all to make up your mind on how you want to live.  Do you want to be defeated?  Do you want to be down and out?  Do you want to be sad and lonely?  Do you want to be depressed?  Make up your mind! Then take strides in the direction that you want to go.

 I will be happy.. .it could be raining outside and my car just broke down, but all-in-all I’m still gonna be happy. I will not allow the cares of this life to steal my happiness.

I’m gonna be happy because life’s too short to live any other way.  

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

Featured Image Credit :http://www.ridesintherain.com/wp-content/uploads/determined-to-be-happy.jpg

The Revised Letter to My Ten-Year Old Self

Hello Authentic Lovers,

Maybe a month and a half ago, I published an article called “Dear Ten- Year Old Self” it was letter full of regret and angst at my current love life. It was my way of saying that I was destined to be alone, which is totally not true. It was probably the most depressing piece of literature I have ever written; it was REALLY depressing.

So today…I was in my kitchen thinking about the last few articles written and decided that my perception of love and how I’ve experienced it has darkened my views.  Love is not as bad as I have made it out to be. In fact, love is a beautiful gift that should be treasured and acquired by many.  Those who are hurting, project this image of a broken world because of their own brokenness and that is the image I was projecting- an image of brokenness.  I was so broken, to the point that I thought I could not be repaired; but God works with things that seem to be impossible, things that cannot be salvaged. He relishes in the lost causes. I thought I was a lost cause, a tragic story that had no hope in its ending- I was wrong. I was so wrong about God, about love and about myself. I saw myself as weak, vulnerable, a victim- a target just waiting for the next broken heart, but that is not who I am.  I am not weak, fragile, broken; I’ve been made whole and should live my life as such. I was not the same little girl that always felt unloved, nor did I have the same little heart that had been smashed into a million pieces- I was no longer her. The funny thing about life is that sometimes little people grow up battling the same demons, feeling the same way, going through the same motions of childhood, of adolescence.

As I’m writing to you, I feel a sense of rebirth and renewal- something that my middle name (Renee) means but I have yet to truly experience.  I sense this difference in mindset and I’ve come to understand that the same God I thought wanted to hinder love from me was the same God begging for me to receive His love.  God has loved me from the beginning of time and yet I sought after this love in people, in places, in things. I’ve searched for my prince charming, like a princess without a home; when I had a prince waiting for me to embrace the gift of His life. You know, sometimes we have to hurt- we have to experience pain to learn a lesson, to truly move forward.

Pain is not a curse but rather a gift, a signal to instruct us that we are in the wrong place- that we shouldn’t be comfortable with what we have. Pain distinguishes what is good and bad for us and therefore comes in handy.  I was seeing pain as this obsolete apparition that followed me into every stage of life, but rather pain was making me and shaping me into the strong young woman I have become.  Pain was my blessing and it’s life lessons have helped me grow.

So if I could write a new letter to myself at ten, I would say “Stay the same- be you!” Yes, there will be pain.  Yes, people will hurt you. Yes, at times you will feel alone- but remain true to yourself. Love with everything inside of you and realize that the prince you seek so badly is waiting for you with His arms outstretched, waiting to give you His life. Today, I am loved. I am strong. I am fearless. Does that mean I have everything together? No. Does that mean that I don’t have more learning to do? Oh course not! But I am not longer the victim, waiting for my demise. I am the victor, the one that overcame and chose to love in spite of.  I am no longer broken, I am whole. This is who I am and I don’t apologize for living my life as such.

If you’ve felt like me once upon a time in your life, I would love to hear about it! Feel free to share your thoughts with me. I hope that this post tonight encourages you and helps you realize that you are stronger than you think. I believe in you! I believe in your dreams and ambitions. I believe in the greatness of what you was created to be. Lastly, I believe in the power of your love. I know that your love can change the world for the better. Love is powerful, the same way it can be used to destroy is the same way it can be used to heal. Love healed me. God’s love healed me and it made into the person that I am today. I believe in your love. If you need anything- someone to talk to or just a friend,  you can reach me via email: authenticlove789@gmail.com, like my page on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/authenticlove789. Follow me on Twitter @framesofdust8 and finally join my Instagram family: @lawnmusic578. I can’t wait to hear from you and we’ll speak soon!

Until next time,
Mo 🙂