Open.

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers

“Be Open.” That is the instruction ringing in my heart.  All of my fears are contending with the Lord in the form of what-ifs, yet in kindness, He repeats himself once more: “Open your heart. Open your heart to love.”  Tears stream down my cheeks as I realize that I’ve been closed to the idea that someone will actually love me.  Fully.  To tell you the truth, I’ve just fully accepted the idea that He loved me fully.  I just became content with that phenomenon; that in spite of all of my mistakes, weaknesses, and shortcomings, this great God was in fact deeply in love with me.

My heart resisted but the instruction remained the same, “Open your heart. Open your heart to being loved.” “But God” my heart persisted, “What if he hurts me?” The instruction remained the same, “Open your heart.  Open your heart to being loved.”  “But God.” my heart pleaded, “What if this breaks me worse than last time?” The Father remained gentle, in pure kindness- he stated one more time, “Love, the choice is yours. But darling, I’ll ask again – Open your heart.  Open your heart to being loved.”  I sat on my couch and I heard his gentle voice like oil caress my spirit and I had a choice to make.  Either I would open up and take the risk of pain or remain closed and ultimately alone.

At the end of the day to trust in the instruction of God is to ultimately trust in Him.  To trust Him requires the hard thing:  it requires facing our fears, it requires confronting our doubts, it requires trying again at the thing we think we suck at the most.  For me, love.  I have this obvious track record of failed relationships, of apparent heartbreaks.  I have this rap sheet of ugly moments and countless memories of love lost.  I am a woman who has made peace with her regrets yet fear gripped me when I heard his voice.  Fear came to remind me of my past and shame came as a drinking buddy ready to cosign me into self-sabotage.  Yet, here comes Holy Spirit: kind, gentle and full of truth with one simple instruction.  Be Open. Open your heart to being loved. 

So, here I am completely open and vulnerable and just plain scared but willing.  I am willing to be open, I am willing to be loved.

I have no idea where this heart journey is going to take me.  All I know is that I am committed to obeying sweet Holy Spirit’s instruction.  I am committed to being open and to keep my heart open to being loved. I am willing and my heart says “Yes.

Until next time,

Simone 

FIC: https://i.ebayimg.com/images/i/371447628482-0-1/s-l1000.jpg

 

Misplaced Expectations.

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

I’ve been guilty of many things, one being the placement of expectations on those I love without agreed upon conversation. I know what you’re thinking, “Simone, you can’t just be out here expecting things from people who have not verbalized their agreement to fulfill certain roles!” I know. It’s not my intention to placed these expectations on others but if we’re honest deep down on the inside, we expect people to love like we do. Yes, we do! We expect people to be as tolerant as us, to give as much as we do, to be concerned with what we care about, to see the world through our lens. The disappointment comes when we discover that someone is not loving us the way we expected them to, that they are not being as kind as we expected, that they are not as honest as we expected. Our disappointment comes from our own misplaced expectations.

I recently came to a place with someone that I love that left me deeply disappointed. I entered into this friendship with this person, shared my heart with them, even told them things that no one else knew about me. I became aware of a bit of dishonesty from them to me and I was deeply troubled: I WAS ANGRY!!! Man, you could not tell me I wasn’t justified in my response. The problem was, I was really angry with myself. Angry that I placed these expectations of honesty and truth upon someone and their failure of those expectations. If we’re honest, our anger is with ourselves. We’re disappointed that we placed faith and trust in someone that we thought could do no wrong, but they did. Problem is: we’re all human, liable to make mistakes. We are all liable to get it wrong and there is grace for mistakes.

So…if I could offer any advice. Please do not place expectations on people unless there has been a direct conversation stipulating behavior. We cannot expect perfection, but we should not tolerate crap either. Some things can be cleared up by mere communication. So have the conversation… do that person value honesty the way you do? How do they feel about the concept of respect? Do they value you? Why do they want to be in your life? What is the role that they want to place in your life? Do you agree with this role? Express your feelings, desires, stances on relational definitions and let the chips fall where they lay.

Rid your life of misplaced expectations.

Xoxo,

Simone

FIC: https://cloud.visura.co/346518.xx_large.jpg

Once Again

It's silent around me. 

I can't hear a peep-

for my brain no longer recognizes the sound of a broken heart. 

It's crazy how time has not healed anything, 

I'm still standing in 2011 longing - 

for what seems to be the impossible. 

I hold my breath and look over the edge, 

and I begin to count my fears. . . 

For I am afraid. 

Yes! I am utterly afraid- 

that 7 years worth of prayers will greet me at my front door, 

seeking perfection. 

I'm not perfect but I find myself concerned with a standard, 

that never measures up.  

An unspoken question: am I good enough? 

What if he is greatly disappointed?

But, what if he's extremely pleased?

But, how would I ever know if I never jump?

I stand on love's cliff and the wind beckons me to the sky. 

Either I will sink or swim- but first I must fly! 

Lo, it's time to take a chance- once again.

3. . . 2. . . 1

©Simone Holloway, 2017

 

FIC:  http://www.nstperfume.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/crater-lake.jpg

 

Purposed Delay

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

So… this weekend has been interesante so far. I walked into my NEW apartment last night to spiders- like legit God-created spiders and I felt a panic attack coming on. I rushed to Walmart with my head scarf still on. Yep, fear took away the shame and I grabbed the one and only bottle of Raid that I could find! I then spent an hr spraying down my apartment but could not sleep a wink. Fast forward… out of paranoia I desired intensely to wash my bedding but then realized that I didn’t have a washer or dryer, so… I pack things up and head to my parentals place which is two hours away for peace of mind. Then I end up stopping by Walmart and once again my plans are derailed and I am delayed in leaving town. Again.

You know what? Maybe delay is not always a bad thing, you know maybe it’s God’s way of orchestrating his will. This delay though annoying in my mind was a perfect vehicle to me seeing an old friend, meeting a new one and getting an opportunity to share some resources to one in need. This weekend is about engaging culture and remembering the one, I believe the Father delayed and derailed my plans to do just that!

All things work together for our good, even the annoying things and inconvenient things. Everything is working for our good!

Until next time,

Simone

FIC: https://damhyul3s75yv.cloudfront.net/photos/6112/original_Getting_United_to_Pay_EU_Compensation_for_a_Flight_Delay.jpg

You Are Enough

Hello old friends, new followers and  fellow bloggers-

I wonder how the world would look like if we loved people for who they truly were and not for who we wanted them to be.  Just think, what would our relationships look like  if we chose to accept our significant other in their entirety?  Would we be happy?  Would our relationships last?  I think the number one problem in relationships is the lack of acceptance towards one’s partner.

Many enter into relationships viewing their partner as their latest rescue project, an avenue of change, and not as a human being deserving of unconditional love.  I used to be so guilty of this, entering into relationships with this mission of changing the person I was with to fit my needs/desires.  This mindset misses the mark of why we enter into relationships in the first place.  We choose to journey with someone so that we can learn from them and vice versa.  We enter into relationships so that we can love someone in their entirety and in return we receive the same or a greater level of love. There is nothing worse than being in relationship with someone and not feeling like you  are enough- like you can’t be your true self with that person.

For years, I spent so much time hiding myself  from those I loved.  I was so afraid that I would not be accepted as I am, and in turn I picked up all these “rescue projects” along the way infused with a spirit of judgement.

There is this amazing verse that speaks of giving mercy, for the same measure of mercy given is the same measure of mercy that we’ll receive.  I think that we should do the same in our love, we should love people for who they are.  We should embrace them for who they are and not strive to change people into who we desire for them to be. When we go into our relationships seeking to change that individual, we are telling them that they are not enough for us just the way they are.  Our words or actions communicate that these individuals we swear to love are not: good enough, kind enough, smart enough, beautiful enough, and etc.  After awhile our significant others are knocked out of their throne of awesomeness, their empire of confidence and begin to question what makes them special and unique.  This is not the message God wants us to share with the world.  He made each of us different with different talents, gifts, features and etc.  He created us to accept our difference, to wear our awesomeness with pride- to Him, we’re enough!

So… I don’t know who mishandled your heart or who made you feel like you would never be enough, but I just wanted to let you know that YOU ARE ENOUGH FOR GOD.  He loves you for you.  His love is not contingent upon your job, GPA, swag or even your family connections.  He loves you for you.  If God who has a higher standard than us, love you for you- why can’t your significant other do the same?  I spent way too much time compromising myself so that others would like me, so that this guy who is only occupying a small margin of my existence would give me the time of day- but as I grow older: If I cannot be myself then I do not need to enter into relationship with that person.  I rather be true to myself than compromise who I am.  I’ve realized that I am enough and that those who love me must love me for me.  Point blank period!

Well family, I hope this encourages you. Always be reminded that you are enough and you do not have to abdicate your throne for anyone. Sit on your throne and rule like the QUEEN/KING you are.  Much love!

Until next time,

Simone

FIC: https://66.media.tumblr.com/f2feb3194450a36f2e2082b3d053b660/tumblr_noji4jKBNf1tf8ykeo1_500.png

 

Cuffing Season

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

So I was reading the Skimm, which is by the way is AMAZEBALLS… anyways, I was reading my daily dose of brief and concise news when I saw a line stating that it was cuffing season.  I was like, “what the heck is that?” If you guys do not  know what I am talking about, “cuffing season” is what most people call Fall because it is the time people hook up, get into relationships so that they can survive the cold weather with a snuggle buddy.  No lie, this is like a common practice.  I’ve seen more relationship posts, complaints of singleness and “ride or die” memes in the last 3 weeks than I have in a long time… I even found myself thinking about my relationship status and then was like, “Girl, GET YOURSELF TOGETHER!”  I’m too much of a BOSS to sulk about not having a “man” in my life.

Can you imagine a grown woman giving herself a pep talk, with full dialogue?  Jesus take the wheel, but sometimes you have to encourage your own self in the Lord. So my lovely family and friends, I bet there are some of you out there questioning God, like “When is it going to be my turn?”  Trust me friends, I bet that is one question God hears a lot.  I can imagine the Father in heaven anticipating those words throughout the day.  I know I’ve been guilty of uttering those words, “When am I going to meet my one and only?”  Friends, I even tried to make people fit that description in my life.  It never goes well, you cannot make someone fit into a God-ordained position not created for them.  And I’m worried that some of you, caught in the hype of this relationship focused season , are gonna find yourselves cuffing with the wrong person- creating soul ties with those who mean you no good.  You can’t force someone to love you, and you can’t force someone to step up and be who you need in a partner.  Wait on God.  Yeah, yeah I know those words are super cliche and that sometimes these are the words that cause anger to build quickly- but, please I beg you : Wait on Him!

Trust me, when you wait on God – things work out better!  When you try to do it yourself, things go wrong quickly and painfully.  I saw a meme on Insta the other day that made me laugh so hard.  It was a side by side of Beyonce in her VMA  dress  and another dude in a dress that was a hot mess trying to match Yonce’s slay with the caption “When you wait on God and when you try to do it yourself.”  I laughed so hard, it was so funny because that was one of the most accurate memes I’d seen in a while.  When we try to do things ourselves, we mess ourselves all the way up- but when we wait on God, He gives us the best and make His promises reflect beauty in our lives.  I’m not cuffed to anyone and to tell you the truth I don’t want to be.  I rather freely love than be bound and hooked to the wrong person.  I want to journey life with someone and not have to worry about them being faithful, or worry about them respecting me as an individual.  I don’t want to compete for their attention or try to make them care about me deeply.  I’ve been there, I’ve done that.  I’ve played the game and I lost miserably, because I operated out of myself and I did not wait on God.  So I know first hand from experience, it is better to wait on God than to try to create things for yourself. Wait on Him!!!

Ladies, watch who you cuff with and be careful who you choose to be your snuggle buddy! Like my momma/grandma use to say, “If you lay down with dogs, you’ll get up with fleas…” *sips tea* Be careful, darlings, be careful because you only need to give your heart to the wrong person one time, and it can mess you up for a long time.  So from one sister to another, watch and pray less you fall into temptation….

Anyways, love yourself.  Be confident.  Be content. Stay at ease.  Your time will come soon and when it does you’ll forget these moments you felt alone.  I love you guys so much and I’m praying for y’all.  We’re going to get through this together!!!! 🙂

Until next time,

Simone

BTWs: Start a hobby, get involved in your community, go out and have fun.  Boaz is not in your house, he’s out and about – go to the grocery store, you may meet him there. lol. Love y’all ❤

FIC:http://www.hercampus.com/sites/default/files/styles/full_width_embed/public/2014/10/13/cuffing-season-103013.jpg?itok=JWqExRj2

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In Rememberance

I thought I was going to post something traditional,

something with the same previous opening- something super inspirational.

But it is I, that is inspired as I reflect on the significance of this day.

In frustration and with deliberate disobedience I left my room to “play”,

to gamble with my life.

Three years ago, I drove to my friend’s house going through a stop sign- not looking twice.

I was hit dead-on and my car spun out of control,

that moment reflected how I felt about my life- I thought I lost my soul.

I opened my eyes and saw smoke and sunshine,

a calming piece became my lifeline.

Only problem, it was raining that day.

The skies were foggy and gray.

So I knew I was between earth and heaven-

I wasn’t ready for an eternal transition.

Because based upon my sins, I knew I would make my bed in hell.

Yet, on earth I felt like I was in jail.

Trapped, stuck and simply contained-

no one knew, I never complained.

Went to church regularly,

wore a fake smile faithfully-

yet wanted to desperately,

to be free.

Figured, no one truly cared about my end,

and if this car wreck was the just the beginning,

to an eternal damnation – well so be it.

God’s plans with my  twisted thoughts did not fit.

Once again, I opened my eyes and realized I was still here-

still among the living to my heart who are dear.

I became overwhelmed with gratitude since life was not deserved to me.

That day, three years ago, I swore to strive to live free.

The rest is history.

©Simone Holloway, 2016

FIC: http://hdwallpaperbackgrounds.net/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/Beautiful-Nature-9.jpg

Adulting: Integrity & Character

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

You know that moment when you have to make a hard choice.  It is that moment when you have to decide between doing what is right versus what is popular.  I’ve had a handful of those moments over the years and recently I have found myself making more of these choices.  Will I do what is right? Or will I compromise my integrity and character for what is popular?  As I embark into a profession that is characterized for integrity and fitness, these are the hard choices I must make. Integrity is doing the right thing even when no one else is looking.  Integrity is taking words to another step and implementing what you know is right for your life and your environment.  Being integral can be a bummer, especially when people start hating you because of their own irresponsibility and lack of character.  There is nothing worse than dealing with individuals with no sense of integrity, and no sense of character.

I used to think that fitting in my peers was a highlight for existence, but as I get older I realize that the reputation and name one makes for themselves go beyond a few years in high school or college.  People remember your name and if it is characterized in deceit or irresponsibility these memories affect job opportunities and business partnerships.  People engage in the behavior of business with those that they trust and if one exhibit a lifestyle void of integrity and character, the trust level lessen and partnerships fail. Contrary to popular belief, it is the  goal of an attorney to uphold the law in speech and deed. It is our job to exhibit moral integrity as we are agents for the public and are responsible for many lives.  I heard an attorney say something so key today in a lecture that made my heart smile so big. He said “I’m not in a popularity contest.  Nothing is worth a blemish on your integrity and character.” It was these words that I took to heart, I am in competition with no man and even though some may not like my behavior- I have to do what is right no matter the outcome.

Character goes along way. Yes, having friends are great but at what cost are we willing to build friendships?  What is the cost? Proverbs 22:1 states “A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold.” What we deem to be so important is nothing in comparison to our reputation, our name.   We all have the ability to have a good name and this is demonstrated in our integrity and our relations with others.  How we treat people, what we compromise on and what we allow in our lives is a direct reflection of the state of our name.  Do you have a good name?

Friends, I remember one August evening like it was yesterday.  On a still summer night, I took an oath.  An oath to always be prepared as a law student.  An oath to always operate with ethics  and civility toward my fellow colleagues.  I took an oath to operate with integrity always, whether in the presence of my peers or in my home.  I took an oath and I intend to carry out every word of that precious promise.  My mom has a favorite phrase, “Character will keep you where your gift takes you.” I’m paraphrasing of course but the gist of this statement is that yes, your gift  and charisma will open doors for you but it is your character that secure these opportunities.  Opportunities will come but those with no character will find themselves with the short end of the stick in the future to come.

Weigh out your life choices.  Make a conscience decision to decide what is best for your future,  because at the end of the day it is your life and you are responsible for where it leads.  When we get older, we cannot blame our friends for our criminal records nor can we blame our friends for our crooked business practices.  We cannot blame our friends for our lost opportunity, nor can we blame our friends for the lack of trust from our communities.  We cannot blame our friends for our bad reputation and therefore we cannot blame our friends for the consequences created from our actions.  These examples are just based on this life and not the life to come.  When we stand before God, we will be standing by ourselves and no one else will be present with us to assume the responsibility of our foolish mistakes and lack of integrity.  It will be just God and us – reflecting  on our choices in life.

Lastly, I leave you with this final thought.  What do you have to lose by doing the right thing?  Really, what do you lose by telling the truth when it’s easier to tell a lie?  Yeah, someone is going to be offended and have their feelings hurt.  That is inevitable.  Yes, someone may end your friendship and stop talking to you.  That sounds like a personal problem that is being projected out of hurt and insecurity, again inevitable.  Yes, you may not get invited to the “in” club outings and such, but hey they are probably lame anyways.  Now here is a question for the reverse:  What do you have to lose by compromising your character and integrity? Everything.  You have everything to lose in one moment of decision.  You can gamble with your life but if you lose the aftermath is greater than the choice it took to create your current situation.  Choose wisely!

Until next time,

Simone

FIC:http://femgineer.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/why-doing-the-right-thing-doesnt-lead-to-instant-rewards-e1454510299639.jpeg

Crappy Days

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

I used to think that my days could not get any worse but then I encountered today and it was a doozy.  From finding a cockroach in my room (which fell into my bed by the way -_-), to being late for class, to not having a parking space in the parking lot because of said lateness which resulted in me parking in a lot in the middle of no where, to forgetting my lunch at home, to falling asleep in class, to being told that I could not get help, to being hung up on when trying to speak to financial aid (need my refund check asap) and then to just now (literally just now) being verbally lashed out by some stranger who accused me of calling her number repeatedly like I am trying to play some sick joke on her.  Like OMGosh, I have some serial dialer tactics…NOT!!! Like sometimes I absolutely hate people.  No lie.  Sometimes I’m like Lord why did you decide to create some individuals to grace their presence here on the earth.  Anyways… my inner me (that dirty old flesh) wanted to give that old stupid lady a few words or two…like “Lady maybe you should check your call history and recognize that you have been calling me twice- IDIOT!!!!!” But instead, I just heard her out and listened to the dial-tone as she spoke her piece and hung up.  I wonder if she has access to the world wide web as I’m thinking of destroying her on the internet.

Just kidding, kinda.  

Really, today has been awful.  I’ve watched the grace of God extended but I’ve also watched the hands of hell being thrown toward me to irritate me to no return.  It’s just like the enemy to recognize that I’m in purpose and because he cannot change that- he is doing everything in his power to frustrate, agitate, irritate, and torment my process.  The devil is a liar and even these small things cannot  turn my feet around as I head toward fulfillment of purpose.  I’ve been reading this devotional about controlling my emotions and maybe today was the ultimate test- application time.  Anyways… I’m going to enter into prayer in just a few minutes and just spend some time with God reflecting, strategizing and prepping for tomorrow.  Love yall!

Until next time,

Simone.

FIC:http://cdn.quotesgram.com/small/47/34/998723175-54f55228613b910c1e6b4a4c3868757d.jpg

Living In Purpose 

Maybe it’s the fact that death has a way of making us reflect on where we should be… or maybe it’s the fact that death makes us aware that time is not guaranteed. Either way, I believe that God use lost to wake us up to the conditions around us; to make us aware that we don’t have all the time in the world to play with our purpose.  We don’t have forever to live beneath our potential, nor do we have forever to take our time to get it right. These are the lessons I am learning as I mourn the lost of my “little brother”, 16 and gone.

Do you know the saddest part of this mourning process? It took my baby bro’s death to wake me up to the fact that I can’t keep slacking where it concerns this blog.  I cannot continue to short change my dream and expect amazing-ness  to happen. Living in mediocrity is no longer sufficient, and being complacent is no longer an option. Once upon a time, I used to think I had all the time in the world – now I know that is not true, I’m not guaranteed time and neither are you.

What a scary thought to have. The thought of maybe I am living below my purpose, maybe just maybe my life is not adding up, is the scariest of them all. I don’t know about you but when I examine my own life that is a tough pill to swallow. Yes, I’m going to law  school in the fall and yes, I graduated from undergrad with no kids but am I truly living out purpose every single day or am I just getting by? When you realize that death is no respect of persons, that death cares nothing about your life plan and that death is inevitable it changes your mindset and propel you to live in/on purpose. Live giving your  all and allow yourself to walk in your divine destiny.

You are here for such a time as this, purposed to touch the earth- find your purpose and live it out. Leave complacency and take advantage of the time you’ve been given. Pray for me guys and you’ll be hearing from me soon.

Until next time,

Simone