Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers-
Happy MLK Day! Dr. King, Jr. is one of my all-time heroes. His life was revolutionary and his legacy is still in effect today. I’ve learned so much from his call to justice and I aspire to make a difference as he did. Today, I had a billion thoughts running through my mind. Between celebrating my sister’s birthday to reflecting on my love life (or lack thereof), today has been a day of reflection and facing some hard truths about myself.
I’m a big believer in confession. I believe James 5:16 which promises that if we confess our faults one to another, we will be healed. To me, confession is one of the first steps to healing. I believe strongly in that principle and I make it a practice to utilize confession as often as possible. So I have a confession to make: when I sense that I am falling in love with someone or that someone is falling for me, I run. Yep, I start making excuses as to why this relationship can’t work and I prepare my departure strategy. It’s evidence of self-sabotage and the reasoning is, once you get in love you’re more susceptible to pain. Think about it! Some of our biggest heartbreaks were the ones where we were completely in love with him/her. It’s like one moment we were truly happy and then something happened to leave us sad, broken and newly alone. I don’t know about each of you but I don’t have the best track record in the love department. All of my past relationships didn’t work for a variety of reasons and I’ve resolved that maybe this love thing is not for me. You know what they say, “those who can’t- teach!” Well, the more I speak to my counselor and face my fear-based behaviors, I am being challenged to stop running from romantic love.
The fact of the matter is: I too, am allowed to receive love. In fact, I’m encouraged to do so. I’m so used to giving that I’m not so great at receiving, at allowing someone to love me well. First, I’m not used to someone loving me romantically without wanting something selfishly in return. Second, I’m not used to someone being legit in their pursuit of me. Third, if I’m honest I can’t remember the last time a guy really took the time to know “me”. I mean really know me and who I am absent from my many accomplishments and steady wins. Because of these things and many past occurrences, sometimes I doubt it when a guy tells me that he’s falling for me or that he loves me romantically. I’m like, “oh really?” And then I run.
Well in order to grow, especially in this love thing, I can’t run from feelings, emotions, and vulnerability. I have to stand there and face these concepts head-on. I am a young woman who desires to love and to be loved and that comes from standing still.
Sometimes, we look at the course of our lives and we determine what we want to avoid. It’s like we become Demi-gods and we make choices thinking that we know best. We even blame God, timing and a host of other nonsensical things because of our fears. The more I combat fear, the more aware I am of myself and my own troubling behavior. Tonight, as I was in prayer- the Father encouraged me to believe in that which is good, to hope in love and to receive love from whom he’s given. It’s like he sensed me reaching for my running shoes and he grabbed my hand. Before I made a dash for the door, his gentle voice whispered to me, “You can let love in completely.” I tossed my shoes out of the window and opened my heart’s door and sure enough, there it was love knocking and waiting to come in. I don’t know whose this for but you’ve run because of pain or fear, tonight I encourage you to know that you can let love completely in.
May you find the courage to burn your running shoes!