The Night I Planned To Kill Myself


Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

So… today I thought I would discuss something that is dear to my heart and that is depression and suicide.  As you may or may not know, I struggled with depression as a child and an adult until a about a year 1/2 ago.  I was suicidally depressed since I was eleven years old as a result of the aftermath of very bad events in my life.  I don’t write these things to you seeking  attention or some type of pity, but rather I write to let those who read this blog (that struggled like I did) know that you are not alone.  I think the Enemy gets us because he causes us to believe that we are alone.  I’ve attempted suicide 4 different times, the majority(3) being in my childhood.  I hated life and the essence of it because I felt utterly alone in this world.  I could be in a sea of people and still feel alone.  I felt invisible and that I was merely existing, that I wasn’t necessary for the world.

The last time I dealt with severe depression was during my senior year in college.  I got into a wreck that was supposed to end my life, September 12, 2013.  I think I blogged about that experience the day after, but either way the EMS and the hospital told me that I should have died on impact.  I was supposed to die.  The crazy thing about all of this is that, instead of feeling grateful for another chance at life- I felt so guilty that I as alive.  I knew so many “great” people that got into accidents that were not as bad as mine and died, yet I, an “okay” person got off from meeting death.  The wreck changed me and I lost my joy.  I lost the light that was inside of me. I felt dead on the inside and I was walking around campus waiting for death to meet me again. Except, this time- I longed for death to win and to release me of the misery I felt here on the earth.   When you lose all of your hope, joy, and peace- not living becomes an appealing choice.  The Enemy has a way of destroying us from the inside- out when we fall into the belief of his lies.  He slowly suffocates us and then once we lack breath, he gets us to destroy ourselves.  I saw myself slowly destroying me.

I couldn’t sleep.  Every time I went to close my eyes, I would see my accident.  I was scared to drive, scared to walk across streets and every day the enemy would tell me – “today is the day you die” , “I’m going to get you today.”  Demons would laugh at my misery and torment me for being alive.  So one evening, I was in my room in my apartment- my roommates were out and I was so sad.  I sat on my floor and I told God that I wanted to sleep forever,  I had some prescription pills for pain and I knew that if I took just the right amount, I would sleep and never get back up.  I made up in my mind that I wasn’t leaving anyone behind.  I didn’t think about my family, who loved me a lot or my church family who cared about me- I only thought about myself and my torment and I wanted relief.  I poured the whole bottle of pills into my hand and I stared at them, I counted to three and I just couldn’t… It was as if something inside of me wouldn’t allow me to follow through.  I cried and cried, I cried so much my floor was soaked from my tears.

All I wanted was peace… all I wanted was to not be afraid to sleep at night.  I just wanted  to be loved.  I wanted to truly live.

In that moment, the Holy Spirit began to sing to me “ I am yours, you are mine.” He sung to me in this rich tenor and I cried as I felt Him envelope me in His love.  He spoke sweet nothings in my ear and He filled me with hope for the future.  He told me that I was necessary and that He needed me here on the earth.  God saved my life that night, His love changed me from the inside out- He made me come alive.  I threw out those prescription pills and even to this day I don’t take prescription pills/medication at all, as a reminder of that night.  I promised that night that I was going to free fall into the love of God and that I was going to love others freely.  I promised that I was going to forgive quickly and not let the hardships of life get me back to that place of depression and suicide.  I made a promise to God and I held myself accountable to how I reacted to things around me.  I haven’t dealt with depression/suicide since that evening.  

Do I get sad sometimes? Oh course!  But then I put a praise on my lips and I look to God who is my joy.

So today… i thought I would share something very personal with you to let you know that you are not alone.  You are not the only one that have dealt with things like this and you will not be the last, but the One that saved me can rescue you and bring you peace.  He makes you complete and His love sets you free.  He is peace, He is love, He is joy and He extends himself to you this evening!  He extends Himself to you!!!! 

If you want to talk to me or have any questions…feel free to fill out my “Wanna contact me form.” on the other page above.  You can always Facebook message me, Tweet me, or even email me @  I am praying for you and I love you guys dearly.  Remember that you are necessary not only to God but to your friends and family.  Your presence on the earth is very important.  I ❤ YOU!

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

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