So, I Obeyed God…Now What?

Hello old friends, new followers & fellow bloggers-

Have you ever faced a hard decision?  Like, either you’re going to obey Him or you’re going to live life the way that you desire?  Once upon a time, not too long ago, I too was at this crossroad: either to obey Him or to live life for me.

The hardest decisions we must make are not the ones that we don’t feel but the decisions that we feel deeply.

So… as many of you may or may not have known, once upon a time, I was in a relationship with this (in my mind) dope guy.  I mean (in my mind) He was the next best thing since sliced bread.  He was it!  You hear me?  He was “the” perfect age, perfect height, he looked like a Ken doll, he had all the qualities I would have wanted for a guy: kindness, compassion, generosity, and intelligence.  He could do no wrong.  He was the one I was waiting for… or so I thought. I think we all in our minds imagine our lives with certain things:  certain careers, certain houses, certain cars, and even certain people.  It is like we race toward the finish line to make sure that we are set and therefore we settle for things and people that temporarily satisfy.  This is what I did with my relationship, I settled.

On a random Tuesday morning, God wanted to speak about the thing I held dear in my heart.  To tell you the truth, I held this person I loved more dearly than I did Him.  Yep, I was guilty of allowing someone to sit on His throne.  That morning, God came and He shared some truth with me and asked me to let my relationship go.  I had a choice, either I was going to trust my Father and obey or I was going to hold on to something out of the fear that what I was letting go, I would never find again.

I chose to let go:  not because I was brave, not even because I knew what was coming, but simply because I trusted God and His choices for my life.

So, I obeyed God… now what?  I obeyed and nothing really changed:  I’m single and I still desire companionship.  I obeyed and nothing really changed:  I’m still not as financially secure as I would prefer.  I obeyed and nothing really changed:  I’m still navigating through life alone and I don’t have anyone I can confide in.  These are just a few examples of our responses to obedience.  Ladies and gents, God never promised immediate change as the reward for obedience, but he did promise that trusting in Him will not cause us to be ashamed/humiliated/embarrassed.  Though it may appear that our act of obedience has done nothing, in retrospect that simple act has changed everything.  My act obedience wasn’t magic, it didn’t shield the pain of my decision, it didn’t make my decision easier but it gave me a peace about my future.

Obedience to the Father is an act of love and trust, not into what he has for you but into who he is and his nature to be good.

So, I obeyed God…now what?

Xoxo,

Simone 

But Samuel replied: “Does the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the Lord? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams.” 1 Samuel 15:22 NIV

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The Night I Planned To Kill Myself

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

So… today I thought I would discuss something that is dear to my heart and that is depression and suicide.  As you may or may not know, I struggled with depression as a child and an adult until a about a year 1/2 ago.  I was suicidally depressed since I was eleven years old as a result of the aftermath of very bad events in my life.  I don’t write these things to you seeking  attention or some type of pity, but rather I write to let those who read this blog (that struggled like I did) know that you are not alone.  I think the Enemy gets us because he causes us to believe that we are alone.  I’ve attempted suicide 4 different times, the majority(3) being in my childhood.  I hated life and the essence of it because I felt utterly alone in this world.  I could be in a sea of people and still feel alone.  I felt invisible and that I was merely existing, that I wasn’t necessary for the world.

The last time I dealt with severe depression was during my senior year in college.  I got into a wreck that was supposed to end my life, September 12, 2013.  I think I blogged about that experience the day after, but either way the EMS and the hospital told me that I should have died on impact.  I was supposed to die.  The crazy thing about all of this is that, instead of feeling grateful for another chance at life- I felt so guilty that I as alive.  I knew so many “great” people that got into accidents that were not as bad as mine and died, yet I, an “okay” person got off from meeting death.  The wreck changed me and I lost my joy.  I lost the light that was inside of me. I felt dead on the inside and I was walking around campus waiting for death to meet me again. Except, this time- I longed for death to win and to release me of the misery I felt here on the earth.   When you lose all of your hope, joy, and peace- not living becomes an appealing choice.  The Enemy has a way of destroying us from the inside- out when we fall into the belief of his lies.  He slowly suffocates us and then once we lack breath, he gets us to destroy ourselves.  I saw myself slowly destroying me.

I couldn’t sleep.  Every time I went to close my eyes, I would see my accident.  I was scared to drive, scared to walk across streets and every day the enemy would tell me – “today is the day you die” , “I’m going to get you today.”  Demons would laugh at my misery and torment me for being alive.  So one evening, I was in my room in my apartment- my roommates were out and I was so sad.  I sat on my floor and I told God that I wanted to sleep forever,  I had some prescription pills for pain and I knew that if I took just the right amount, I would sleep and never get back up.  I made up in my mind that I wasn’t leaving anyone behind.  I didn’t think about my family, who loved me a lot or my church family who cared about me- I only thought about myself and my torment and I wanted relief.  I poured the whole bottle of pills into my hand and I stared at them, I counted to three and I just couldn’t… It was as if something inside of me wouldn’t allow me to follow through.  I cried and cried, I cried so much my floor was soaked from my tears.

All I wanted was peace… all I wanted was to not be afraid to sleep at night.  I just wanted  to be loved.  I wanted to truly live.

In that moment, the Holy Spirit began to sing to me “ I am yours, you are mine.” He sung to me in this rich tenor and I cried as I felt Him envelope me in His love.  He spoke sweet nothings in my ear and He filled me with hope for the future.  He told me that I was necessary and that He needed me here on the earth.  God saved my life that night, His love changed me from the inside out- He made me come alive.  I threw out those prescription pills and even to this day I don’t take prescription pills/medication at all, as a reminder of that night.  I promised that night that I was going to free fall into the love of God and that I was going to love others freely.  I promised that I was going to forgive quickly and not let the hardships of life get me back to that place of depression and suicide.  I made a promise to God and I held myself accountable to how I reacted to things around me.  I haven’t dealt with depression/suicide since that evening.  

Do I get sad sometimes? Oh course!  But then I put a praise on my lips and I look to God who is my joy.

So today… i thought I would share something very personal with you to let you know that you are not alone.  You are not the only one that have dealt with things like this and you will not be the last, but the One that saved me can rescue you and bring you peace.  He makes you complete and His love sets you free.  He is peace, He is love, He is joy and He extends himself to you this evening!  He extends Himself to you!!!! 

If you want to talk to me or have any questions…feel free to fill out my “Wanna contact me form.” on the other page above.  You can always Facebook message me, Tweet me, or even email me @ authenticlove789@gmail.com.  I am praying for you and I love you guys dearly.  Remember that you are necessary not only to God but to your friends and family.  Your presence on the earth is very important.  I ❤ YOU!

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

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Love Equaled The Cross

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!!!!  Today is a wonderful day, whether you are single or in a relationship. Over the years, I’ve learned that one of the greatest love stories was not “The Notebook” by Nicholas Sparks or some Rom-com movie featuring Julia Roberts, the greatest love story is the story of the cross.  Days like today, when I reflect on love and how I see it in my life- I dwell on the One who loved me before I loved myself.  Jesus came and He died for me, knowing that I was a mess- He still died.  His sacrifice is the epitome of great love.  So today, instead of dwelling on who’s in your life or who isn’t- focus on the One who sacrificed His life for you.  I know that some of you guys didn’t ask for this sacrifice, but He still chose to make a way for you to be reunited with the Father.  He still wanted you, so He died and He rose.

Love is sacrifice, it is giving your all for those you care deeply about and Christ demonstrated this with the cross.

Wishing you love and happiness. 

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

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Would You Die For Me?

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

Today might be an interesting post…

I was sitting on my bed thinking about what to say to you all this morning and all my thoughts summed up to a simple question: Would you die for me?  I know that you don’t know me as intimately as your family or close friends, but would you sacrifice your life to make sure I had a great one? Would you? 

Some of you all looking at this post would off the bat say NO!” Some may say this girl is crazy for even suggesting an idea like this.  Some would even say, “Simone, I love your blog and all but I wouldn’t even die for my mom so my FINAL answer is, NO!” 

I understand the response, trust me I get it! I don’t know if I would sacrifice my life for a perfect stranger.  I don’t know if I would give up everything for someone that I never met.  I don’t really know how I would respond to the question I presented to you…I don’t even know.

The reason I was pondering this question was because I began to think about Jesus.  You know the guy who gave up His heavenly kingdom, to be born by a virgin, with one simple purpose to save the world from sin.  He is described as not ugly but not attractively handsome- just right in the middle, the guy who’s been in the hearts of individuals since Christianity was introduced.  Yes, that guy!  Well I was thinking about how He must have felt leaving all that He knew to die for people He never met.  

Can you imagine leaving your place of royalty and prestige to be born into a poor family? Or to leave your place of comfort to come to earth to die an uncomfortable death?  I couldn’t do it- I would have opted out of God’s grand rescue plan.  

Jesus died for me and I wasn’t even on the scene yet.  He died without me giving Him a statement of salvation or me promising Him my life.  He died before we met, bearing my sin and my shame on the cross with Him.  That is some kind of love!  He loved me so much, He died for me with no strings attached.  He sacrificed His life so I could have the hope of a better one.  He died to give me a great life…

Sometimes, I forget how deeply Christ loves me- it is then I remember the cross.  The cross puts everything in perspective.  Christ loves me deeply, so deep that He died for me.  He gave up everything so I could have everything.  That is some kind of love…. When you feel unloved or unwanted remember that Jesus died for you.  He gave up everything so that you could have everything. 

Until next time, 

Mo 🙂