I Am Too Proud To Beg

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers- 

Happy Pre-Christmas Week!  I’m home for the holidays and I can feel the hustle and bustle of excitement in the air.  It’s been a while since we’ve talked, so I thought I would share something with each of you tonight.

As I began to gear up for dinner prep, I began to think about the holidays as a whole.  As many of you know, I ended a long-term relationship this past July.  Before this final break up, I was stuck in this on again- off again whirlwind of a relationship.  I spent seven years devoted to this rescue project, who did not acknowledge my own value to invest the same.  It was a living nightmare.  The sad part of this whole fiasco was every Christmas I would do the absolute most to convince him that I was “it.”  It was as if in my mind the magic of Christmas would cure our toxic relationship.  Slowly but surely, I awakened to myself, and now I am convinced that I deserve better.

Ladies and gents, this is the first Christmas in a long time that I am truly single.  I mean single-single.  I am single in my mind, heart, body, I belong to God and me alone.  Christmas is not my favorite holiday because of whose attached to me (contrary to Hallmark Channel’s popular belief), neither does this holiday bring me joy because of who is sitting at my dinner table.  Christmas is my favorite holiday because its the day God in goodness full of love gave the world a gift that was too good for it:  His Son.  He loved me enough to give me a piece of himself. And if the Creator gave himself so freely, why on earth should I have to beg someone to love me well?  I don’t.  Point, blank, periodt!

Friends, it took me seven years to learn that I deserved better.  Seven long, teary-eyed, exhausting years.  Now that I recognize my worth, I’m not begging anyone else to.  I know that I’m beautiful,  I know that I’m dope, I know that I’m wife material.  I understand that I am God’s gift to humanity, that I’ve been fashioned in gentleness and grace, that my class and elevated thinking is one to die for.  I know who I am.  And this awareness of me has shifted my whole approach to relationships.  Friends, know thyself!  Recognize the goodness that lies within you and refuse to beg anyone else to see what’s inside- especially someone with no vision, no goals, no ambition and a little to no future.

Be too proud of yourself to beg!

Xoxo,

Simone

New Garments

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers- 

It’s a rarity that I post twice but when things change in your life, it deems time fit for another post.  After the post earlier (Shades Down and Lights Off),  I sat on my bed and just began to think.  I thought about God, my life, my past, my present, my hopes, and desires.  To calm the anxious thoughts in my mind, I searched for the 8AM sermon at All Nations Worship Assembly.  Instead of a traditional sermon, Apostle Stevenson got up and began to pray against the spirits of death, suicide, and anxiety.  Man oh man, that prayer wrecked me.  He had no idea that a young girl in SC would listen to something he imparted into Chicago earlier that morning.  I sat, cried, worshipped and kneeled and in that moment I felt the beautiful presence of God. In my lowest of lows, His love came to the rescue once again.  I removed my clothes of sadness and mourning and changed into garments of joy.  My peace returned to me and I decided to go to church again: this time in new garments!

How great is our God, that when we think it’s all over He shows up?  When we turn to Him and express our need for Him, he comes to our rescue- so faithful and so kind, is he.  There’s a lyric in this song called “Reckless Love” that says “There’s no wall you won’t kick down/ Lie you won’t tear down/ Coming after me”  And today, He kicked down some self-made walls and he tore down the lies I  was being enticed to believe.  Loves, I want to affirm you today.  You are NOT a lost cause.  You are NOT hopeless.  You are NOT going to remain in the same situation overwhelmed by the same things.  God STILL loves you.  He STILL chooses you.  He STILL desires you and though your mind may say otherwise, HE thinks of you the SAME.  Today, in my darkest moment the Father showed up in grace, mercy and reckless love.  You are not alone, for the Creator of all good things comes to you- ready in hand with whatever you need.

Thank you for the prayers,  thanks for being my online family and thanks for giving me the freedom to live a transparent life.  I love you all very much!

Xoxo,

Simone 

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Hold My Hand

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

Lovelies, sweater weather is upon us and it seems like everyone is rushing to find a suitable beau to bring home for the holidays.  I’m peering through the window of social media, chuckling at the events that are soon to take place.  Tis’ the season when single women and men yearn for companionship as humans should and seek the warmth of a body near them (I’m gonna leave that there…) To tell you the truth, some individuals just want the security of a held hand.  There is something so intimate, careful yet secure about having your hand held by the one you love and the one who loves you.

I was sitting in some unconventional quiet time, just trying to make room for the one I love- the Father, when I ran across this verse: For I, Yahweh your God, hold your right hand and say to you: Do not fear, I will help you. (Isaiah 41:13 HCSB) Like a gentle whisper in a storm, these words caressed my soul.  Once again, the Father is reminding us that within Him lies our security- for it is Him that hold us together.   If we think about the Bible or just the nature of life, we find a beautiful story of a Creator whose love for his creation propels him to live eternally pursing a relationship with them.  His love creates, fuels and  signifies his pursuit and in his love is no fear.  When we hold onto His hands of security and we leave our apprehensions behind, peace reigns in our hearts and joy springs forth from our spirits. We find that in his security lies our help!

Friends, the Father desires an intimate, secure relationship with each of us.  I won’t go into this trend of “Jesus being our boyfriend or boo”,etc., lol- but I do believe that we are the bride of Christ which signifies this desire for intimacy.  For where intimacy is found, trust resides, and where trust resides, security can be found. A majority of us desire security but we lack the capability to give trust- and that is just half of the battle.  For trust is fueled through intimacy.  Let’s ask ourselves some hard questions: (1) Why is it so hard for us to trust our Creator? (2) Why do we lack security within? and (3) Is the thing we have chosen to become intimate with capable of satisfying our desires within? We were called to be brides, not side-chicks and that comes from spending time with our Beloved.

He desires to hold our hands and to dissipate our fears. 

Until next time,

Simone

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God’s Opinion…

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

Well… it’s Monday and let me tell you I took an “L” during class today.  Have you ever been asked a question and gave an obvious wrong answer but before you can stop yourself from talking- your mistaken speech has already left your mouth?  This happened to me in Civil Procedure today I could feel the stares of judgement on my back…like, I was so embarrassed.  One of the first thoughts that can to my mind was, “Girl!  Everyone must think you’re so stupid now!” “Like, you’re soooo stupid! Why did you say that???”  Shame and embarrassment began to settle on me.  We can’t change the perception of others, but we can change how we perceive ourselves…

As I sat in my seat, eyes adverted to the floor, the Lord asked me a question:

“Which opinion is more important to you: mine or theirs?”

I could feel His presence meet me in that classroom and He began to share his thoughts about me to me.  “I think you’re smart, I think you’re beautiful.  I think you’re capable of more than you’ve ever imagined.  I think you’re going to make a great attorney! I believe in you.”  His words lifted the shame and his peace began to settle my soul.  There’s this scripture that says, “Those that place their hope in Me will not be put to shame.” (Isaiah 49:23)  There is no shame in Him, and his opinion supersedes the opinions of others.

Well…I don’t know what you’ve been embarrassed about or what defeating thoughts you’ve entertained about yourself- but I challenge you to see yourself, the way God sees you!  I challenge you to think highly of yourself because your Creator thinks highly of you. His love consumes all of the fear, doubt, and shame that comes to overwhelm us. He believes in us, so let us believe in ourselves!

Until next time,

Simone

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Peace Like A River

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers – 

You know that feeling in the pit of your stomach that says “Everything is going to be okay”? I call that feeling peace, but to me it is more than a feeling but rather a lifestyle that I seek after.  Peace is so vital to our well-being.  It is like this secret weapon in the midst of hardship and adversity.  Peace.  And it is with peace, that I write you all on this brand new day.  God is the one who gives me peace, His gentle presence reassures me that no matter what I am experiencing- everything is going to work out for my good.  He is my gentle confidence that helps me face the world, each and every morning.  It is in Him, I can live with no fear and it is in Him, worry and anxiety becomes non-existent.  Peace.

My heart is filled with such peace, peace like a river.  It is overflowing in my heart at such an abundance, I am a little overwhelmed.  I told myself that I would not blog for a while because I had nothing to say, I had nothing to offer as I strained to breathe in my hectic life- but even now I feel the unction to share the necessity of peace.  Peace is necessary! Peace is vital! Peace should be sought after, maintained and cherished! Peace.

It is time to get rid of things that rob us of our peace.  It is time to remove the worry and anxiety-driven distractions.  It is time to grab a hold to our peace with all diligence, refusing to let it go.  Peace.  Without peace, we become lifeless, sickly and afraid. Peace. Find your peace, find the One who created peace.  I pray that today is a good one for you and I speak the peace of the Lord over you as well!

Shalom,

Simone

Be a Peacemaker

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

I think we live in a society where it is so easy to be riled up, to be angry about so much and to lavish that anger on each other. It’s easy to be “messy” , to be filled with carnality dripping in immaturity.  The hard part is actually growing up and treating each other with the principals of Jesus Christ, that’s the hard part.  You think it’s hard to create chaos, no…. being a beacon of peace is difficult and it’s this awareness of the tension created with doing right that sets us apart as “people of God.”

I am reminded of a beatitude that is quickly dismissed when people get into our faces, when they get us told, and when those who we thought were our friends wage all manner of evil against us….

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.¹

Those who operate in peace, regardless of the chaos around them are called the children of God.  Those who operate in chaos and strife, bickering, back-biting and all kinds of behavior that tears the spirits of those around us down are not even included into the family of God.  Harsh? Well think about the condition of a soul.  When we tear our brothers and sisters down by creating tension and chaotic atmospheres, aren’t we being harsh to them.  So why can’t God make His rules clear, where it concerns the characteristics of His family.

We are supposed to be like the Son and He is peace- so why not project peace one to another.  Sometimes we are not going to agree with other’s lifestyles, we are not going to walk the same paths as those around us- but we must approach in peace.  People will try us, they will hurt us, they will come to break our spirits- but we must retaliate in peace and in love.  These are the characteristics that sets us apart from the world and makes us true children of God.

Want to be a child of God? Accept His Son and Be a peacemaker. 

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

¹ Matthew 5: 9 NIV

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Safe

Above all else, I wish that you’ll be safe…

the comfort of knowing that harm

will not greet you tonight.

the idea that your soul and spirit can be at peace-

because they are locked away from the damaging

occurrences of the world…

I want you to be safe.

You’re safe here with me…

©Simone Holloway, 2015

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Tears and Truth

Tears and truth mixed as I received Your word
I fell to my knees as I heard
the words I needed to hear
soft and sincere
life giving remedies to my soul's cry
or should I say soul-tie
with one who needs my help
feeling like I wasn't built to accept
the harshness of reality
I like to think, I've been set free
from the confines of this world
tears and truth now swirled
together
now and forever
You have made me for him...
©Simone Holloway, 2015

Featured Image Credit: http://www.faithisanaction.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/God-doesnot-lie.jpg

You Can’t Give Me What You Don’t Have

I spent so much time angry...
Angry with life and angry with you.
I have wasted so much of my time in frustration
wanting something that you just cannot do.
To love to me, means to give my all
It is to emulate the Son.
It means to love with no conditions
and to deeply care about someone.
This is the way the Father loved me
He loved me enough to give His life.
He's preparing a place in eternity
He is the bridegroom and I His wife.
So I expected something of you
that you simply did not have the capacity to give.
I expected the same kind of love
I expected you to have mercy and to forgive.
But this is the flaw in expectations,
they are never close to reality.
They have the power to keep one bound
when God comes so that we may be free.
I can't expect something from you
that you can't give to me.
You must know Love to give love
And in His love, lovely is what you'll be.
So I take away all expectations of you
I accept you for who you are.
One who may never reciprocate the love I give
who may never heal from his scars.
I hope life gets better and that you learn to love.
I hope you meet Him who resides above.
So in the midst of my heart's pain, I sit back and laugh.
All I know is, you can't give me what you don't have.
©Simone Holloway, 2015

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The Night I Planned To Kill Myself

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

So… today I thought I would discuss something that is dear to my heart and that is depression and suicide.  As you may or may not know, I struggled with depression as a child and an adult until a about a year 1/2 ago.  I was suicidally depressed since I was eleven years old as a result of the aftermath of very bad events in my life.  I don’t write these things to you seeking  attention or some type of pity, but rather I write to let those who read this blog (that struggled like I did) know that you are not alone.  I think the Enemy gets us because he causes us to believe that we are alone.  I’ve attempted suicide 4 different times, the majority(3) being in my childhood.  I hated life and the essence of it because I felt utterly alone in this world.  I could be in a sea of people and still feel alone.  I felt invisible and that I was merely existing, that I wasn’t necessary for the world.

The last time I dealt with severe depression was during my senior year in college.  I got into a wreck that was supposed to end my life, September 12, 2013.  I think I blogged about that experience the day after, but either way the EMS and the hospital told me that I should have died on impact.  I was supposed to die.  The crazy thing about all of this is that, instead of feeling grateful for another chance at life- I felt so guilty that I as alive.  I knew so many “great” people that got into accidents that were not as bad as mine and died, yet I, an “okay” person got off from meeting death.  The wreck changed me and I lost my joy.  I lost the light that was inside of me. I felt dead on the inside and I was walking around campus waiting for death to meet me again. Except, this time- I longed for death to win and to release me of the misery I felt here on the earth.   When you lose all of your hope, joy, and peace- not living becomes an appealing choice.  The Enemy has a way of destroying us from the inside- out when we fall into the belief of his lies.  He slowly suffocates us and then once we lack breath, he gets us to destroy ourselves.  I saw myself slowly destroying me.

I couldn’t sleep.  Every time I went to close my eyes, I would see my accident.  I was scared to drive, scared to walk across streets and every day the enemy would tell me – “today is the day you die” , “I’m going to get you today.”  Demons would laugh at my misery and torment me for being alive.  So one evening, I was in my room in my apartment- my roommates were out and I was so sad.  I sat on my floor and I told God that I wanted to sleep forever,  I had some prescription pills for pain and I knew that if I took just the right amount, I would sleep and never get back up.  I made up in my mind that I wasn’t leaving anyone behind.  I didn’t think about my family, who loved me a lot or my church family who cared about me- I only thought about myself and my torment and I wanted relief.  I poured the whole bottle of pills into my hand and I stared at them, I counted to three and I just couldn’t… It was as if something inside of me wouldn’t allow me to follow through.  I cried and cried, I cried so much my floor was soaked from my tears.

All I wanted was peace… all I wanted was to not be afraid to sleep at night.  I just wanted  to be loved.  I wanted to truly live.

In that moment, the Holy Spirit began to sing to me “ I am yours, you are mine.” He sung to me in this rich tenor and I cried as I felt Him envelope me in His love.  He spoke sweet nothings in my ear and He filled me with hope for the future.  He told me that I was necessary and that He needed me here on the earth.  God saved my life that night, His love changed me from the inside out- He made me come alive.  I threw out those prescription pills and even to this day I don’t take prescription pills/medication at all, as a reminder of that night.  I promised that night that I was going to free fall into the love of God and that I was going to love others freely.  I promised that I was going to forgive quickly and not let the hardships of life get me back to that place of depression and suicide.  I made a promise to God and I held myself accountable to how I reacted to things around me.  I haven’t dealt with depression/suicide since that evening.  

Do I get sad sometimes? Oh course!  But then I put a praise on my lips and I look to God who is my joy.

So today… i thought I would share something very personal with you to let you know that you are not alone.  You are not the only one that have dealt with things like this and you will not be the last, but the One that saved me can rescue you and bring you peace.  He makes you complete and His love sets you free.  He is peace, He is love, He is joy and He extends himself to you this evening!  He extends Himself to you!!!! 

If you want to talk to me or have any questions…feel free to fill out my “Wanna contact me form.” on the other page above.  You can always Facebook message me, Tweet me, or even email me @ authenticlove789@gmail.com.  I am praying for you and I love you guys dearly.  Remember that you are necessary not only to God but to your friends and family.  Your presence on the earth is very important.  I ❤ YOU!

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

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