Holiday Anxiety

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers- 

Happy pre-holiday season, with Thanksgiving approaching in the next few days, some of you may be feeling the what I describe as “holiday anxiety.”  It’s this dreading feeling that comes when you know you have to be surrounded by family and answer a bunch of aggravating questions.  As a newly single walking embodiment of awesomeness, I hate all of the aggravating questions that come with being seated at the family dinner table.  I don’t know about you all, but I feel like we live in a world where we are always asked to supply answers to questions that we simply don’t have the answer to.  For example, “How long will you be single?”; “When are you going to have some kids?”; “Girl, why you ain’t got a boyfriend?; “Girl, when are you getting married?”  In my heart I want to scream, “I DON’T KNOW, DO I LOOK LIKE GOD?”  but on the outside, I smile gracefully and say, “I don’t know.  I’ll let you know when I find out.”  I’m not going to let them know… I’m going to make all my announcements after the fact on social media.  My family will find out about my life choices when the world finds out. Trifling?  Yeah, I know.

Ladies and Gents, If you’re like me, I feel your pain and I understand your holiday anxiety.  But more so, I sense the temptation to return to my past due to my own loneliness.  It’s like Lord, you separated me from what I was in before but because of my own desires to be held and to be in a relationship, I feel tempted to return back to that which you’ve set me free from.  I believe that many of you are facing the same temptation, the temptation to return back to your past. This overwhelming temptation to settle for what you’ve been freed from out of convenience and loneliness.  This, I believe is the reason many of us have found ourselves at a crossroads:  Do we return to what the Lord asked us to leave?  Or, do we wait for what He promised?  I had a choice, return back to my ex so I can finally have an “answer” pleasing to men or to wait for what the Lord promised which is better!

Anyways, I can’t tell you all how to live your life.  All I’ll say is do not forfeit your future for the temporary conveniences of today.  So, here I go approaching this awkward time with boldness and depth reminding myself of the truth: I’m happy, I’m content,  and I’m waiting and that my dears will have to be enough.

Xoxo,

Simone 

FIC: http://www.b2beck.com/images/holiday_anxiety.jpg

I Refuse To Remember

I can’t remember the last time I wrote you.
In prose, poetry, sentences, words, breaths…
I don’t remember becoming this brave,
yet here I am.
Again, I realize that I made the right choice-
life changed the moment I chose me.
I think I’ve found my future’s key.

I can’t remember the last time I spoke to you.
In sound, actions, deeds, man I can finally breathe…
I don’t remember returning to a mind that’s sane,
yet here I am.
Yet again, I realize that I made the best decision-
time stood still the second I walked away.
Man, my heart is no longer a game that can be played.

I can’t remember the last time I…
…thought of you.
…whispered your name.
…wished you were with me.
…wanted life to be the same.
…sung your favorite song.
…stalked your Facebook page.
…ate your favorite meal.
…allowed memories of you to fill me with rage.
…prayed that you would be faithful.
…hung my head low at your mistakes.
…desired to be in your arms.
…got caught up in our on -again off -again breaks.
…chose regret.
…downplayed my life’s purpose.
…diminished my beauty and brilliance.
…allowed you to distract and steal my focus.

I can’t remember.
I won’t remember.
I refuse to remember… what life looked like with you in it.

©Simone Holloway, 2018

FIC: https://i.pinimg.com/236x/28/99/04/289904751d13d5c9edbf95cf82da724b–fantasy-photography-shadow-photography.jpg

 

 

Bodily Response

my eyes are smiling
my ears are listening
for the song that is your laugh
and I am waiting here in our secret place for you.
my hands are fidgeting
my feet are shaking
as nervous energy absorbs me
and I, trying to remain calm as I sit here in this place- figuring out what to do.
my heart is doing this little dance
my gut is speaking it's piece
as I make one of the biggest decisions of my life
and I decide to try
to love
with you
again.
©Simone Holloway, 2015

Featured Image Credit: http://i171.photobucket.com/albums/u305/zhoep/secretgarden.jpg

Here We Go Again

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

So I just sent off my application for Law school. I remember being anxious last year around the same time when I sent off my materials but this time, I am at peace.  It’s like my heart and my mind recognizes that this is it, I am really leaving.  I’ve been preparing for my departure for some time now but as time winds down, it becomes more and more aparrent that in less than 6 mos- a new state will be my home.  I am really leaving, my life is really about to change.  Last year, I thought I was ready to leave but I wasn’t and in all agony, I dreaded the day I would have to say goodbye…but today I am comfortable knowing that instead I’ll be saying “See you later” to those I love dearly.  In less than 6 months, I’ll be living on my own- a real adult with real responsibilities, finding out what the world truly looks like away from home.  In less than 6 months, I’ll be preparing for law school- sitting in the classroom setting once again.  I feel like life presented me a second chance, a Déjà vu moment of sort and all in all I can feel my spirit saying: “Here we go again!” Except this time, change is inevitable and my moving on is definite.

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

Featured Image Credit: http://31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lt8pb2tGHE1r1nt80o1_500.jpg

Come Clean

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers –

Happy Freedom Friday! I know it’s been a while since I’ve featured a story but I’m working on that – I promise!  Anyways I thought that I would give you the ultimate secret to walking in freedom….I know, right? 😉  The ultimate tool to living in freedom just based on my personal experience is to :Come Clean.  Yep, that’s it!  Speak about what you are struggling with.  Talk about the demons you are fighting with someone you can trust.

You know as a God-fearing woman, I am not even close to perfection.  I feel like when you tell people you are a Christian, they expect you to be Mother Teresa or something- they expect perfection.  I’m not even close to perfection….not even close, but I’m striving in that direction. Because of some insecurities, feelings of rejection and the idea that I could never be loved- I found myself watching and getting into pornography.  This is strange from someone who had a great family background, one friend and seemed like the golden child.  The thing is the Enemy doesn’t care if you came from a good family or if you go to church, its His job to destroy mankind and sometimes He gets us to destroy ourselves with bad habits and addictions.  Anyways…I was in church struggling with this secret sin.  I wouldn’t engage in porn everyday but when I was super depressed- it was like a binge addiction.  It’s crazy how the virgin was a porn addict but that happens when you aren’t secure in who you are.  At first I was so ashamed to tell people that I needed help.  I needed help because I couldn’t dream without an explicit sex scene being in my mind.  I couldn’t look at people the same way because my vision was so sexual and I felt guilty by the thoughts I was having about people.  This thing was tormenting me and I wanted to be clean again.  I felt so dirty and tainted and I knew that God was not pleased with my actions…so I reached out for help.  I told my pastors( who are my parents) and they didn’t judge me like I thought – they prayed with me and and gave me some tools to break this habit.  I told my best friend and she would hold me accountable for what I watched on TV and etc.  I don’t have a porn addiction anymore and I don’t even watch R- rated movies with explicit scenes in them because I don’t want to put myself in that “dirty” place.  I had to come clean with God first and then with people I trusted so that I could get to the root of the problem within myself and receive freedom.

Coming clean is not always easy and sometimes its really scary because you don’t know how those you tell are going to react but I can tell you that coming clean takes courage and its worth it when you do.  The Enemy can not keep you bound to something that you exposed.  If you expose yourself, he can’t torment you with the secrecy of it all.  I learned that when you need help you are to live out your conviction and ask for help.  We are human and can’t save ourselves and when we think we can do it on our own we fail every single time.  We need a support system, we need to tell God ( even though He already knows) and we need to get healed.  Some of us are alcoholics, some of us are drug addicts (prescription drugs count), some of us self-mutilate and all of these habits and patterns stem from a deep level of hurt and pain that we cannot even describe.  We need to deal with these things and come clean.  I realized that my addiction to porn was stemmed from a level of rejection, loneliness and bitterness of what happened to me as a child.  It was my way of controlling the level of love my body experienced but you’ll never reached the first high  that you hit so I ended up more empty and the love I desired was more artificial than anything else.  I’m strong enough to tell the world about what I’ve been through because that is how we overcome, when we speak out about what we dealt with and what we are going through- WE BECOME VICTORIOUS!

If you don’t have anyone that you can talk to that you can trust, you can talk to me.  Email me at authenticlove789@gmail.com.  I check my email regularly and will respond to you promptly.  Now that I’m free…I will do whatever it takes to make sure you experience freedom.  I love each and everyone of you!! Remember: you can’t be bound to something that you expose!  If you have any questions for me- reach out!  I’m not easily embarrassed and I will answer your questions.

Finally….

“And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony,” Revelations 12:11a;

 “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed.” James 5: 16a 

I love you!

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

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A Time To Let Go

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

There comes a time in our lives where we have to make tough decisions so that we can move forward.  Yesterday, we spoke of fall cleaning- of the clearing of our hearts to make room for what’s to come.  In order to embrace what’s to come, sometimes we have to let go of the thing we love the most.  I should know.  There is this guy that I have loved since I was 17 years old, I still love him; but today, I choose to let him go so that I can move forward.  I choose to move forward.  Sometimes we have to cut ties with what we have known for so long, we have to get rid of the memories, we have to say goodbye.  So today, I choose to say goodbye to him.  I choose to say goodbye to the memory of him.  I choose to say goodbye to what we had and I look forward to beginning again with someone new.  I choose to say goodbye,  I choose to let go.  There’s a quote by Sherrilyn Kenyon that says ” If you love something, set it free  If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.  If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.” If the love of my life and I are meant to be, we will be -but for now I choose not to be.  I choose to let go.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame,and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:1-2)

Until next time,

❤ Mo

Featured Image : http://positivechick.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/tumblr_mbup8j4hy21rro0yfo1_1280.jpg

I REFUSE TO BE STUCK

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

 I REFUSE TO BE STUCK!

I shout this phrase from the “mountain-tops”, from the “valleys”, from wherever my voice will be heard the most – I REFUSE TO BE STUCK.

I refuse to be stuck in my past.  I refuse to be stuck in old mindsets.  I refuse to be stuck in old insecurities.  I refuse to be stuck in my past season, when God is trying to bring me into the new.  I refuse to be stuck and frankly I DON’T CARE if no one else goes with me.

I don’t care if I lose friends along the way.  I don’t care if the phone calls stop coming and the emails cease, I WILL MOVE FORWARD – regardless of who moves forward with me.

I will walk into the purpose that God has for me.  I will walk into my divine destiny.

 Jesus didn’t die  so I can live life stuck, He died so I could live a life of perpetually moving forward.

I am going to live a life of moving toward the good in life, no matter what!

If you want to journey with me, you can’t be content being stuck in the same old, same old. You can’t live a life of complacency and think we are going to walk through this life together.  I refuse to live a life of settling when I can have greater.

I REFUSE TO BE STUCK.   Who’s with me?

Until next time,

Mo ❤

 

Whether You Come or Not

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

TODAY is a new day!

TODAY is a day of purpose, change and destiny.

TODAY is the day that I walk into my divine destiny, my divine purpose- not allowing excuses and fear to hinder me any longer.

NewPerson
This is who I am….

TODAY is a day of empowerment, a day when I am empowered to be different, to be the change I seek in this world.

TODAY is the day that I embrace that verse that says “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ , the new creation has come: the old has gone, the new is here!” ( 2 Cor. 5:17 NIV).

So TODAY I embrace my newness and I allow old mindsets, habits, concepts to die.  The old from this day on, no longer exists and I choose to walk in the newness of Christ.

TODAY I move forward into what God wants for me whether you come or not!!!

Forget the former things;
    do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland. ( Isaiah 43:18-19 NIV) 

Until next time,

Mo  🙂

What is a True Friend?

Hello all, 

It has been awhile since we’ve spoken.  I’m graduating from undergrad in 2 mos, so I’ve been busy  tying up loose ends concerning my future.  Tonight, as there is five more minutes in to the next day, I ask a question:  What is a friend? Can someone tell me?  What is true friendship?  

In a  few months I will be a graduate, moving to a new city, all on my own and I realized that my friendship reservoir was limited.  I realized that individuals I have been friends to- have not reciprocated my definition of friendship back to me.  I can count my closest friends on my hand, actually – I can count my closest friend on one single finger.  If you ask me how many best friends I have, I have one and her name is “E” short for Erica.  She is my one and only best friend- we’ve been friends for 7 years now.  She has seen me in my good times and has seen me in my lowest times.  She has celebrated all of my accomplishments with me, mourned with me when I lost loved ones and have been a listening ear when I just needed someone to vent to. She is the closest person to me besides God & family.  She is my best friend.  

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I have searched my entire college career for individuals to add to my inner circle of friendship.  I have befriended people and have gone out of my way to be the best friend I knew how.  I accepted lunch invitations and talked on the phone and counseled and I found out that those who was there for me in my suffering could not celebrate with me during my times of elevation.  It’s funny how fickle people can be, when someone is going through – individuals will surround that individual and “comfort” them but when a person bounces back and everything is great- the phone calls cease.  I have “friends” who forget my birthday, every single year – but when the day of their birth comes around, I go all out.  I call, I text, I love.  I do “the most” because I believe that friendships are connections made by God to journey with an individual through the good and the hard times.  I value friendship.  I value friendship in the same capacity that one values another’s life.  

Today, it was as if a light bulb went off in my head.  I discovered that friendship is not one sided, it’s not my job to beg for friends but to make them and if they last – great; if they don’t – oh well.  Friendships ceasing has nothing to do with me, but is all apart of God’s perfect will.  He knows who is ready to journey with me into my next place more than I do.  God knows who is really celebrating with me and who was just faking their loyalty to me all along.  God knows who had good intentions and who’s motives were never right in the first place.  God knows!  

The reason why “E” and I are still friends- is because she has stuck by me in all seasons of my life.  She has exemplified Christ’s love in our friendship and seeks to make our friendship one that glorifies God.  Her love for God and her authenticity has developed the trust that we share in our friendship.  I can count on my fingers how many people I have broken down and cried in front of, she is one of them.  I can count on my fingers how many people I have told about my graduate school plans first, she is one of them.  I can count on my fingers how many people I have discussed my past with (intricate details), she is one of them.  I can count on my fingers how many people actually took the time to pray for me like they said they would, she is one of them.  She is one of the only people that would answer  a 3 am phone call after I heard some bad news.  She is the only one that traveled to see me in my apartment after a rough night,  She is only one that has defended me when others have said things against me,  She has proven her loyalty and that she can be trusted.  I know who “E” is and no one can come to me and tell me anything about her that is contrary.  She is my best friend- In fact, she is my sister!  We will be friends forever and she is someone who is definitely coming with me into this new season of my life.  I can’t say that for everyone, but I can definitely say that about her.  

Back to my title, what is a true friend?  A true friend is someone who is consistent, someone who you trust completely, someone you can be vulnerable with, someone who accepts you for who you are, someone who tells you the truth (no matter what) and finally someone who has your back. If your friends are not reciprocating true friendship back to you then they are taking up empty space and you need to let them go so that your true friends can enter into your life.  Be blessed and enjoy time with your best friend!

Mo.

The Dangers of being Afraid

Hello friends!

It has been awhile and I am making some big decisions this year.  I am trying to decide whether or not I should be with someone even though I know that the relationship will take work and an endless dose of mercy and compassion, not to him but to all of those who will judge me and him (aka the haters).  It’s one thing to date a person and it’s another to date their families, communities, expectations of who you should be and etc.  *hyperventilating* It’s a lot of pressure, reach for paper bag here .  I’m absolutely terrified, so scared that if someone sneaked up behind me right now – I might pee my pants, just a little. lol.  It’s a crazy thought that once you give your heart to someone- news flash* that’s not it, you still have more work to do.  I was just looking for something easy, less complicated, something I can easily get into and easily out of  if something seems to go wrong.  I wasn’t looking for something deep or labor intensive, just something I can say I’m “into” with no kind of serious attachments.  The problem is, family and friends, I’m attached-at the depths of my heart.  If I detach myself from this relationship, I might bleed to death.  Yes, I’m being slightly over dramatic but that is how I feel.  I feel like detachment hurts me more than attachment, but does the hurt make me run to commitment – I don’t know about all of that.  The thing is friends, I committed before.  I committed so much, I decided I wanted to marry the dude  – but we didn’t work out.  We never made it down the aisle to the altar.  He was supposed to be the love of my life, the one and only for me yet that failed.  My one true commitment failed, miserably.  So what do I do now?  I shy away from commitments.  I run from the idea of a man loving me forever, I run fast.  When it seems that a guy is falling in love with me and wants to build a true relationship with me, I run.  I put my schooling first, my career first, and even my faith. Yes, I’m guilty- I use the God card.  “I can’t date you right now because I am focusing on my relationship with God” , which is all good, dandy, and true but the underlying factor of my rejection is fear.  I am afraid that as soon as I give my heart to someone, they are going to leave me- high and dry. That’s exactly what my ex did.  I’m afraid that as soon as I commit and the chase ends, the guy is going to realize that he isn’t interested in me and break up with me.  I am sorely afraid.  The problem is, I used fear to keep me from getting hurt, but in reality it has done nothing but hurt me.  The pain comes from wanting to pursue something but instead sabotage that pursuit because of fear.  Being afraid -can screw a person over, it really can.  Fear can cause a person to be paranoid about the small stuff in hopes that the individual will never get to place to experience the big ticket items in the game we call love.  Fear can ruin a person’s life and destroy a person’s ambition.  Fear is bad!  

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God does not want us to live our lives afraid.  He doesn’t want us to be afraid of our future, our successes, our failures and other’s expectations of who we should be.  We cannot live our lives in fear, sabotaging what could be because of what was.  The past is the past, we can not relive it nor can we stop living because of it.  We have to move forward, we have to live fearless.  So join me, if you can, in living a fearless life.  A life of no regrets, no what-ifs, a life of excitement and expectancy, a life with no fears.  

Until next time, 

Mo