Memories

I remember being prompted to write to you.

To unleash all of my thoughts and to direct them solely to you.

But fear came in, and I determined

that I could not bear such a weight of honesty.

I did not want to face this insecurity,

so I remained silent.

Yet, I could not continue to hide that…

my mind remembers you.

My mind is also convinced that 1+1=2…

that one day there will be

the two of us, freely

engaged in a relationship with one another

and not just simply together.

My mind and not just my heart is shipping us on the daily.

To tell the truth, you’re to blame

because since our first meeting I haven’t been the same

and that’s when fear and doubt came…

and I silently watched you forfeit the love game.

Hmmm… isn’t it crazy that after all the time that’s gone by,

after sleeping under different parts of the skies,

after absent vacations, birthdays and graduations,

after new jobs and new life situations,

after twists, turns, life unexpected promises,

after suicidal attempts and divine God-visits,

after years of addictions and brand new shoes,

after realizing that life was more than being cool..

I still cannot forget about you.

Trust me, I tried.

I stood in the mirror and lied,

said that I didn’t love you anymore.

I went too far in my confession, I even swore-

to those that loved me dearly and to those who witnessed my pain.

I promised I wouldn’t choose you, because I didn’t want you to break me again.

But my mind doesn’t care because I remember:

Indian and Thai food, Lakers, “Lebron, the princess!”, Christmas 2012, Phoenix (Parisian boys), “I’m destiny, you’re looking at it”, bagging contest, CNC galore, food science degrees, brewery dreams, “Sept. 15, Don’t forget!”, fields and fields of broken dreams.  July 10, 2011,> hands clasped at the altar.

I remember and I tried desperately to forget.

For 5+ years, every moment I’ve had in life has found a way to connect to you.

So… I know I’m intelligent, but maybe I’m a fool.

Because even on your worst days- I still want to be with you!

Maybe this is grace personified in me,

maybe this is love, maybe this is being free.

Maybe this is compassion bestowed liberally…

all in all, still remains the question of what to do.

Yes, I’ll admit it.  I never stopped loving you.

©Simone Holloway, 2018

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Sabotage

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

Last night I realized that I have a tendency to sabotage the good things in my life.  It’s like I’ve lived my life for so long being unhappy that now that I am happy, it’s weird and I start playing the game of sabotage to make things comfortable.  That shows you the path of the life, I’ve lived.  It’s a shame that I’ve experienced so much pain, that I am comfortable wallowing in it.  I am comfortable with a broken heart because, brokenness is something that I am used to.  I am comfortable with people being dishonest with me, because dishonesty is something I am used to.  I am comfortable with the feelings of rejection and abandonment, because these feelings are the same feelings I have dealt with since I  was  a child.  Some things never change and I realized that as soon as things are getting good and I am experiencing an inkling of happiness, I start to sabotage.  I start to ruin what I have because if I destroy what I have first, then what I have placed my love, hope and trust in doesn’t have the chance to destroy me.  

All of my life, what I have placed love, trust and energy into has destroyed me so I protect myself by sabotaging my right to happiness.  I do!  I am a preemptive saboteur.  This has to change and it has to change quickly, because I can’t continue to push people away and destroy relationships because of my fear that something can actually work out for me.  That I can love and actually be loved back without consequence.  I have to stop sabotaging- I have to!

So last night, I talked to God about my desire to destroy everything good in my life, including my relationship with Him.  How do I began to destroy everything?  I start by destroying myself. I speak negative words and I tear myself down.  I spent so many years of self-deprecation that it takes nothing but a few moments to tear down my self-esteem.  I make myself believe that I don’t deserve happiness and that I don’t care anymore about anything- including myself.  Then I engage in a behavior or action of sin that separates me from God.  God is my source of happiness, so how do I destroy my happiness? I separate from God.  After I separate my heart from His, I separate from those He has given me.  Being that good relationships come from God and I don’t deserve good relationships, I make up excuses of how I can end these relationships- how I can walk away and never look back.  I’m a runner so after I sabotage- I  run, I disappear and I Isolate myself away from the world.  In my saboteur’s thinking I am destined to be alone and therefore I do whatever it takes to make sure that becomes true.  This mindset is twisted but it’s real and there are people all around the world who delve into the same pattern, crippling themselves from being happy.

I talked to God and I asked Him to help me with this issue.  The first step of change is getting over the denial that there is a problem.  We must be honest with ourselves and God before we can experience true freedom.  I asked him to uproot these fears out of me and to take away this fear of rejection and abandonment.  I asked Him to make me a better person and to help not sabotage myself.  The fact of the matter is, I have great people in my life who love me dearly and I should be loved.  I deserve the right to be loved deeply.  I can’t continue to ask for good in my life and then sabotage it- I have to embrace and wallow in good/good things.  So today, as I continue to walk out my deliverance, I can honestly say that I have no desire to harm myself.  I used to harm myself with this thinking to hide the fact that I was hurting and that I needed to be healed.  But today, I can honestly say that I have no desire to sabotage my happiness, future, relationships, etc.  I want to be happy and I believe that I can be because God says I can.

Y’all keep me in your prayers as I walk this thing out.  I refuse to live a life of sabotaging myself 🙂 Thanks!

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

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