I’m Listening

I’m listening to you….

I’m listening to the beeaatttinng of your heart

as the rain

drip

drop

drip

drop

I’m listening to you….

I’m listening to the hollowness inside of you

as pain wanders about

as regret runs through the halls

as sadness goes to bed

I’m listening

as hope taps on the window to come in…

as joy begs for someone to open the door

as love wishes for an invitation.

I’m listening

and it seems like the world is deaf

to your cries

oh the lies ….

You are necessary

your presence is missed

and I’m not at risk

for loving you.

I know what you been through and I’m still here….

listening…

©Simone Holloway, 2015

Featured Image Credit: https://truestoriesandmakebelieve.files.wordpress.com/2015/03/dsc_0977.jpg

Body Shaming

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

I know it’s extremely late, but I just got a spare moment to write to you all about something that has been placed on my heart.  Whether you realize it or not, I speak a lot about being transparent on this blog because I believe that transparency creates freedom; freedom to believe in yourself, freedom to love and just plain freedom to live.  Since, I stand by this belief system- I have made it my purpose to walk this thing out.  How can I encourage transparency among you guys and not walk in myself???

So tonight, I wanted to speak with you all about something I am currently working on to overcome.  When I was 15 years old, I was involved in some friendships, relationships and etc that were very toxic to my well-being.  These individuals ministered the message of “never enough” in their eyes- me being myself, was not enough for them.  So… being filled with all manners of insecurities, branching from situations of my past- I quickly believed this saying.  I wasn’t enough, and would never be enough unless I did something to prove otherwise.  This obsession with validation became a door for anorexia.

Anorexia nervosa (anorexia) is defined as an eating disorder characterized by abnormal body weight, the intense fear of gaining weight and a distorted perception of body weight. (Mayo Clinic, 2003) This eating disorder became my acquaintance as I slowly realized how much I hated myself.  I hated the way I looked, I hated how “thick” I was., I hated that my lips were so big,  I hated my complexion and everything that made up me because in my mind- I was not beautiful and would never be beautiful.  I equated beauty with equality and acceptance, while maintaining that if I just lost a few more pounds I would be beautiful.

So for two years..I lived a lifestyle of lying.  I ate nonexistent big breakfasts and I ate just enough “lunch” to skip dinner, I lived a lifestyle of creating this discipline of neglecting my body of the fuel it needed to grow.  I didn’t want to grow wide but rather tall and skinny like all the models in  my favorite magazines.  I began to shame myself, there was no need for anyone else to shame me.  “I’m so fat!” became apart of my vocabulary and when I couldn’t fit into my pants just right- the world ended because my thighs needed a little more room to breathe. I hated me.

So now…I’m 22 years old, building this fabulous life with God when I notice that my weight  has increased.  I love me, or so I thought until I couldn’t fit into my jeans and had to go a size up- and those old insecurities began to flare their heads.  “I’m so fat!” became once again the language of my life and I’m terrified to weigh myself and see what eating my feelings have truly done to me.  “I am fearfully and wonderfully made….” I take a deep breath and say the scripture over and over- I am beautiful with my love handles.  I am gorgeous with my muffin top.

Uggghhh…but it becomes harder to believe and I sense a trigger on the horizon, so I talk to a friend to see what I can do.  You know the Enemy tries us in areas to see if we will fall back into our old habits and ways.  I started eating healthy and I stopped counting calories, but here comes the old joker ready to make mention of the ways I haven’t been eating good.  My friend told me to step on the scale to truly see how much I weighed- I only gained 4 pounds.  The Enemy had me believing I gained 10-15 pounds, that I was getting more and more unattractive at the second because of my love handles and the extra pudginess of fat that cover my abdomen but he’s a liar.  I only gained 4 pounds…. 4 pounds.  I was complaining about 4 measly pounds.

I learned something today, learn to love yourself in all aspects of your life and that true confidence is understanding that the Word of God is true and therefore everything else is irrelevant.  I thought I would share that with you…..

If you or someone is suffering from an eating disorder, please do not keep that hidden to yourself- share with someone you trust and begin getting your life back as soon as possible.  You can beat this mental disease, I know you can – through understanding that God loves you and that He made you perfect in His image.  Some days you are not going to feel beautiful, some days you are not going to feel loved, but all in all you are loved and you are beautiful. 

I am loved and I am beautiful.  The more I say this, the more I believe this and the more it becomes true.

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

Featured Image Credit: http://www.bulimia.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/anorexia.jpg

He Think He Slick…

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

Hey y’all!  Today has been a great day, filled with peace and relaxation, but today as I was checking out the profiles of some of the those that follow me on Tumblr- I became upset by one of the pages I saw.  This person’s page looked like it was a Christian page, with a scripture here or there- but the images that came up were explicit perverse images.  I was HEATED  because as someone who was delivered from perversion, I hate it when I am surprised by perverse things.  I choose not to watch explicit scenes, I choose not to use bad language, I’ve changed and therefore I don’t invite perversion into my atmosphere or into my life.  As an individual on the road of purity; in my mind, actions and soul- I go to extremes to maintain my lifestyle in pursuit of pleasing God with my life.  SO I WAS HIGHLY HEATED…when my eyes saw some things that it shouldn’t have, HIGHLY HEATED….

But I think, I was more upset that this person pretended to be something that they weren’t.  They had this facade of purity but their blog didn’t reflect the mask that they wore.  I hate it when people pretend.  If you are dealing with perverse thoughts and you like to have sex and watch porn- then just admit it!  Don’t lie about it and pretend to be something that isn’t true.  I rather someone flat out tell me that they are bound to sin than to lie to me and that they aren’t.  That’s just me. When I was struggling with porn- I came out and told the truth and this honesty produced freedom in my life.

But you know what the Enemy think he slick… that after I ran into my accidental discovery that I was going to revert back to my past lifestyle.  That I was going to yearn and desire pornography.  That I was going to voluntarily make my bed in hell, but he’s stupid because I’m NEVER going back!!!! NEVER!!!!

I’ve made up in my mind that I was no longer living in a mindset of sneaking around, doing things that I wasn’t supposed to do because of some temporary thrill of pleasure.  A pleasure that left me empty, guilty and seeking to end my life.  I’m NEVER going back and right now y’all I am so mad at the enemy, I can’t stand his guts.

You know fam, he comes to steal, kill and destroy.  He comes to trick you back in to bondage and to throw away the key, but I am so happy that greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world.  God is greater, He is bigger, He is more powerful than sin and the Enemy.  HE IS!!! 

Well…. I guess my rant is over, thought I would share my raw thoughts with you and I wanted to encourage you to be real.  I don’t care if you believe in God or if you don’t. I don’t care if you know “Christian” language or if you don’t.  I don’t care if you are church-ed or unchurch-ed.  All I care about is your authenticity, the realness of your soul.  So if you say you are a person of faith, be a person of faith.  If you say you love God, then love God. If say you live for Him, then live for Him.

Don’t pretend. Don’t make things up.  Don’t lie.  Be real!

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

Featured Image Credit: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/b7/40/99/b74099ddc4e8faf76f63189d5685d439.jpg

Home

I went home today

everything was new

I looked around

the only thing missing, was you.

I went home today

the walls are now green

the smell is still delicious, with fresh bread in the air

things have changed since, I was seventeen .

I went home today,

memories of you hanging on the walls

“rock show” filled the air

as I answered so many calls.

You would think that I was overwhelmed

by everything that suddenly changed

but to be honest the only thing on my mind

was how your absence made everything not the same.

I went home today

everything was new

I looked around…

the only thing missing, was you.

©Simone Holloway, 2015

Featured Image Credit: http://www.transparentwatercolor.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/Bernie-Lizs-House-The-Strand-Oxford-MD.jpeg