here we go again. these are the words that come to mind, as I sit, read, analyze, listen, doze off and repeat going through this cycle called life... yet I've escaped the Ferris wheel. my inward carnival is out of business, and the havoc of the Topsy-turvy, up and down- has stopped. maybe it's because I'm finally healthy. whole in my mind, emotions - no longer run by my previous slave master: feelings. i feel and therefore I am not. i see and therefore I can accomplish. i believe and therefore I can have- it all. for I've found consistency in You. here we go again, yet here we are to something new. same law school, new perspective. same agenda, new energy. same people, new heart. this is what freedom feels like. this is what it means to be alive... ©Simone Holloway, 2018
I think it's funny how long it took me to come to this place. It took me a long time to erase the possibility of living life for you. To come to decision in my heart that said I'm no longer waiting.... anticipating.... self-hating.... or allowing what's going on to exasperate me. Or rob me of my peace my joy or my happiness. To tell you the truth, I'm a hot mess to think that I've been truly living breathing in this God-given air with gratitude while my attitude turned bitter because you weren't near or here with me. But tonight, I decided to be free from the plagues of living life with you on my mind irritated that time is not on our side. I'm no longer waiting on you to be alive. I decided that whether you came or not I was going to give life my best shot and enjoy what was around me I was going to simply be content in the skin I was given Livin' in my complete purpose, divine destiny no longer allowing your absence to hinder me I was going to love like never before I was going to let my boldness roar for itself becoming self-confident without needing your help. And whether we met here or on the other side- I was no longer waiting on you to be alive. So when we meet, I might be in this country or not I might own a small boat or a yacht. I might have long hair or continue to rock my short do I might be single or I might have a boo. I could even have a tattoo because at the end of the day, I am no longer living for you. I am living for me. I am living to be free. Living to live again- I am living as God's best friend. So instead of making you the center of my world, I no longer strive to be your girl- I strive to be myself and smile more I'm tired of living life like a bore In my pursuit after God, I will continue to strive Because I am no longer waiting on you, to be alive. ©Simone Holloway, 2015 Featured Image Credit: https://colourintodarkness.files.wordpress.com/2015/02/1-the-feeling-of-being-alive.jpg
crimson thread ties us together, say it ain't so
that God would choose for me, an unlikely beau
sweet memories embroidered upon my heart, perfectly stitched
we discussed being hitched-
count it all joy the fiery tribulations and trials
that comes with pledging love to the aisle
creating one soul from two.
one could say that my spirit, is s-e-w-n into yours
that we're the testament, that God restores
and that He makes all things new.
we are living examples, that love can survive
amidst an environment that ceases to thrive-
regardless we continue for love to pursue.
so in sadness, I feel your pain
having nothing to gain
by watching your tears fall like dew.
I rejoice when you rejoice
your happiness is my ultimate choice
regardless of what you do.
I. got. you.
©Simone Holloway, 2015
Featured Image Credit: https://wadecreate.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/connected-souls.jpg
Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-
Yesterday I posted one of the most depressing article known to man. I felt dead on the inside, numb and just plain exhausted. Have you ever been in a place emotionally where it seemed like to feel was the worst option ever? Like it hurts to feel? I was in that place, a dead man walking and just going through the motions because I had to- never really expressing the deep hurt that was in my heart. I was so angry with God, angry that my life wasn’t turning out the way I imagined, angry that I kept experiencing hurt from those I have given love to and angry that no one could see that I was dead- a dead man walking. I was just plain angry; sitting in a church that was telling me to hope and believe, that God understood how I was feeling, that everything was going to work out. As I sat in the church, I became more angry…I became so infuriated that I refused to worship. I refused to pray or praise or give thanks- I did not want to be connected to God. I did not want to have anything to do with Him. Like a professional, I slowly disconnected my spirit from Him- I was committing suicide, I wanted to die.
It’s crazy how in our dark times, we realize what we are made of. It’s in the moments of hopelessness that we understand the gift of hope, in sorrow we understand joy and in chaos we understand the importance of peace. It’s not until we are dead in our spirits that we seek to live more than ever before. I wanted to heal but was broken so bad, I didn’t think I could be whole. I wanted to live but I thought I was too far gone for a resurrection. I wanted to be happy but I made sadness apart of my daily routine, the coat that shielded me from the world, I wanted nothing to do with God but He wanted everything to do with me…
Out of His love and compassion, He came by my side and poured His love on me. He helped me to let go of all the hurt , He touched my heart and He loved me. He made me come alive!
I realized yesterday that I don’t want to pretend in life. I don’t want to say I’m okay when I’m not, I don’t want to smile when I’m crying on the inside. I’m tired of battling things behind closed doors, the demons of loneliness and rejection that comes to kill me and muffle my voice. So yesterday, I didn’t wear the mask of the “have- it-all-together” church girl, I was honest and I became free, True freedom comes through honesty. Keep your eyes open because they may be some around you who are dead men walking…
Until next time,
Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-
Hey guys it’s been some time since we have last spoken, I’ve been busy at the firm- trying to reevaluate my life. I’ve been thinking about the essence of hope and how unique it is. I’m a youth Sunday school teacher in my church, and I taught my tiny tots that hope was a superpower given to us by God. Hope helps us dream and go after our dreams, hope gives us the courage to want more and hope helps us see the good in those around us. Hope is our superpower– and hope makes us not ashamed.
One of my favorite scriptures is Romans 5:2-5, it says-
“ through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”
Our hope in God and His word makes the suffering and tribulation worth every second that it is experienced. This hope produces love in our heart for others and compassion for those in harsh conditions- this hope brings us through. Keep your hope alive!
Until next time,
Featured Image :http://www.katebello.com/blog/2013/07/hope