I Got It Wrong

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers-

Around this time five years ago, I wrote a post called “My Only” expressing joy in the idea that I found (what I believed) to be my “one and only,” the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I thought I found the love of my life. I was wrong. I found a man that was incapable of loving me to the capacity that I needed. I was looking over my blog memories when my stats revealed that someone read that post a few days ago. My first thought: “Simone, delete that post!!! That relationship failed, get rid of the memories of your failures, erase the post.” But, that isn’t life, we can’t go around erasing the terrible things that we’ve experienced. We face our failures, we accept them and we learn from them. So here are three reasons, I believe my getting it wrong was necessary for me to learn how to get it right.

  1. I accepted the love I thought I deserved: subpar, broken and inconsistent. The guy I thought was forever, in hindsight, did not love me well. And to tell you the truth, I can’t blame him. He was not loved well and he had no genuine connection to the One who loved him well. When your life is absent from the Creator of Love, it’s hard to love others. Instead, you love them through your broken version of the love you’ve received. That is the way he loved me: from a place of fear/distance, insecurity which drove his patterns of lying about stupid things, ghosting and poor communication and mediocre because to invest in love is to open himself up to the possibility to be in pain. He prided himself to be a master of pain avoidance and he did this by loving from a shallow place. The worst part was I loved the same way: my friendships were not deep by any measure of the imagination. I was trying to be everything for him, even if it meant being untrue to myself. Lastly, he was everything and because I did not think highly of myself; it was like girl you betta take what you can get. WRONG!!! Now, I’ve grown and I can see that God was like “Homegirl, you deserve so much better!” Thank God!  
  2. I was not okay with being alone. In fact, being and dying alone was one of my biggest fears. Therefore, I settled with “better than what I had” but not necessarily great. Anything that is better than what you had always seemed to be the best but it is not until you understand what you’re worth that you realize what you’ve settled for. There is nothing wrong with looking back and being like “he’s not that great- in fact he’s trash!” I wasn’t secure within myself to have that moment of awakening but God not waiting on my point of enlightenment, in mercy, decided to save this girl from herself! I’m so grateful He did. Because, if we’re honest not one ounce of love lives in fear; so to build a love out of it would be a decision to settle for a love that is indeed false. Perfect love expels fear; there is no fear in true love. As I’ve grown and come to love myself, I seek to be absent of fear and perfected in love. It is the heart of the Father that we are full of love and void of fear and that should be demonstrated in our relationships. To be unafraid is to be truly in love. 
  3.  I realized that I needed to heal. Yep, there were wounds that I neglected thinking that I would find healing in my relationship but that’s not how it works, you are to come to your relationship whole ready to complement them. It is so dangerous to bring your open wounds to someone and expect them to have the balm to heal you. It breeds codependency and easy disappointment. God knew that I needed to heal, that I needed to be alone to really seek him for this necessary balm. The best thing that could have happened was the ending of my relationship because the end of that thing opened my heart to the fact that there were wounds that needed to heal. Ladies and gents, the best thing you can do is heal. Heal and then enter into relationships with other people. Don’t bring your baggage into your relationships and place expectations on people to heal you. Only God heals, so allow him to heal you with His love.

Friends, the guy I was with was NOT my one and only, but he was integral to my growth. He taught me what I did not want in a person. He taught me what I was not willing to settle for. He taught me that what I’ve embraced was not real love. I’m grateful that things ended because it gave me the freedom to learn about myself and to love me.  So, there is no need to fear mistakes because even our mistakes are redeemable in the hands of God.  He has this tendency to take our bad things and He promises to make them work for our good.  He rights our wrongs. 

God allowed me to get it wrong so that He could make one thing right, me!  

Xoxo, 

Simone 

FIC: https://i2.wp.com/digital-photography-school.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/black-white-mistakes-4.jpg?resize=750%2C750&ssl=1

I Am Coming

The time is nigh, the hour is near.

So do not be afraid,  do not be filled with fear.

I am on My way, I’m approaching the earth.

I see the misery,  I behold the dearth.

I see the pain, and hear the children’s cries.

I know those who are telling the truth,  among those telling lies.

I see the molestations, by those carrying My name.

Yes, I know the hypocrites- I understand their game.

Evil has grown rampant, justice is declining.

Where’s hope says My people? Where’s the silver lining?

Hope is in this simple fact, one that is true.

I am coming,  I am on My way to you.

So do not fret children or Israel, do not fret my lovely flock.

Everything is going to be okay,  your future in My hands- I’ve locked.

©Simone Holloway, 2015

Featured Image Credit: http://world-outreach.com/blessed-hope/

Lazy Day

I had a lazy day

sat and watched the rain

I did absolutely nothing

as raindrops slowly hit my windowpane

I watched with a longing

for something to do

for a few seconds

I wanted to be with you

“(c) Simone Holloway, 2014”

Featured Image Credit: http://s3-ec.buzzfed.com/static/2013-09/enhanced/webdr02/27/17/anigif_enhanced-buzz-27179-1380318287-13.gif

My Best Times Were Spent With You

To the one who has my heart,  

These words will probably never trend the Internet or greet you as you come home. These words will probably never be featured in a magazine or quoted on a show. 

These words may not seem as important as words I have spoken before, but the words I write tonight are the most vital words I have ever written- words I say to you.  

These words are the words I ask you to cherish, cherish like the air you breathe.

 I ask you to cherish my words deeply. 

I write to you because it is one of the only things that I do well- when I can’t speak, I write

So I write to you; I write to our past, our present and our future.

 I say this with no regret, with no doubt, with no hindranceMy best times were spent with you.

 Every memory I cherish, you was present- you was there

I don’t think I can describe the way that I feel about you- the way I value your presence in my life. 

I sit here and my heart is filled with such gratitude. Thank you for making life better. 

Thank you for filling my life with joy, so much joy– my face reflect the lines of laughter we shared.

 Every time I look at the mirror, my countenance reminds me of our time spent together- my best times were spent with you

I sit here and I thank God for you, you rejuvenated my spirit- you made me come alive!

 Thank you for being in my life!

  My best times were spent with you

I sit here and I write, my mind goes down memory lane

 My best times were spent with you

 Tears begin to stream down my face…

So, my final words are these:  Where are you?  Why aren’t you here?

My best times were always spent with you

Until next time,

Mo 🙂