On The Run

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers- 

If we’re honest, I’ve been in this amazing yet crazy place with God.  For the past few months, I’ve felt like David on the run, hiding in caves, seeking safety/shelter.  Can you imagine, you’re living what you deem to be your best life when transition hits?  What you thought was safe isn’t anymore?  Can you imagine being in an environment that once upon a time brought such life and now it has filled your heart with pain?  It’s crazy how sometimes the same voices that affirm your identity can tear it down.  The same environments that bring comfort can hurt your soul.  It makes you feel mad even, like oh my freaking God am I losing my mind?  That my dear friends have been my life since February- I’ve been on the run.

I’ve been serving through pain, encouraging through heartbreak, giving in the midst of lack.  I’ve been used up and forsaken, discarded because of brokenness and I’m finally finding my way back “home.”  My discernment has sharpened, my weaponry has increased and I’ve learned to fight in the midst of fear.  Ladies and gents, it’s the curse of the gifted.  People like me who are full of life and love, we’re targets for the insecure, the immature and those who lack compassion for the world.  The more I watch the lives of my creative/gifted friends, those of us born to rule and conquer- we seem to all have the same story:  a story of being on the run, seeking self-preservation, finding God in the midst of the darkness, finding healing in the midst of our pain.  We’re little Davids out here checking over our shoulder, knowing that at any moment our enemies can find and abuse us- we seek safety for our souls.   But, there’s good news.  One day, the season of the cave ceases and before you know it, we are strong enough to return home to sit on the throne that was anointed, waiting on us.

I’m returning home.  I sense this freedom around me to stop hiding. I’ve healed and now I’m whole enough to step into what’s next for me.  My next is a job in Atlanta, GA.  I’m moving to a new city, ready to experience new things but first I had to experience the cave.  I had to learn to war, how to become shrewd, how to band people together to heal.  I had to gain community, learn the intentions of those around me, I had to start again.  I had to embrace my vulnerability, honor during hard circumstances, learn the art of forgiveness.  I had to experience the cave.  In the cave, I learned that He was my safety, my shelter.  In the cave, I learned to keep my eyes open.  In the cave, I learned how to be honest and how to confront hard things.  I needed the cave to mature, to do the hard work, to grow.

Typically, we grow hidden underneath the soil.  We mature in the obscurity. We develop in the dark.  Caves are dark but are amazing spaces to be hidden, to grow.  Growing up, I felt bad for David.  Can you imagine knowing you’re king but living in a cave?  Like, why God would you give a promise only to allow his life to be filled with affliction?  But, now I understand that David needed his process to become the great King Israel needed.  He needed the tactical warfare skills of the cave.  Every place of darkness is used by the Lord to bring clarity and the more we run towards His light, he teaches that even the bad things are used for our good.

Family, you might be in a cave (mentally, spiritually and emotionally) trying to figure out if it’s safe to return “home”- but know that God is with you in the cave.  He is right there, holding your hand, keeping you safe.  He is your shelter, your fortress, your hiding place. Also, be rest assured, you won’t be on the run forever.  One day, it’ll be time to return to your rightful place:  you’ll be safe, you’ll be home.  Seasons change, life evolves but your Father remains the same and He loves you even now.  That’s the truth I had to remind myself every day: He loves me in my weakness, he cares about me in my brokenness and when I don’t know if it’s safe to show my heart- HE WILL KEEP ME SAFE!

Love you guys and I’m lifting yall up tonight!



FIC: https://assetsnffrgf-a.akamaihd.net/assets/m/2017010/univ/art/2017010_univ_cnt_4_xl.jpg

Scripture reference: 1 Samuel 24

Safe Spaces

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers

Today is Monday.  Yep, I survived another week and as I begin a new one: gratitude, relief, and a sheer “OMG I can’t believe we’re still in it to win it” fills my heart.   However, today I wanted to share something on my heart with each of you.  DISCLAIMER: Today’s post will be super real, transparent and utterly vulnerable. But, that’s the way I desire to be with each of you, for we can only help each other when we remove the masks. So, beloveds (in my Iyanla Vanzant Voice) take a deep breath, let’s go!

I believe that one of the best feelings in the world is the feeling of safety.  l mean safety is better than PSLs from Starbucks, better than holiday meals, even better than a vacay with no cell service so my clients can’t contact me.  Like most individuals in the world, I value safety: physical, emotional and spiritual safety. If you’re in an environment where you don’t believe you are safe to be yourself, it can be emotionally crippling. Ladies and gents, this is why I carry my life as a safe space- a place where people can come, confide and hide in love and compassion. This is where it gets real though…I’ve been a safe space for many but it is extremely rare that there has been someone in my life that has been a safe space for me.  Over the past few weeks, I’ve been searching for my safe space.  Quickly disappointed, I’d shut down and became emotionally unavailable to those around me.

Let’s be real, those who are super loving are usually the ones that have experienced the most pain.  Those who are super accepting of others are typically the ones who’ve been rejected by many.  Those who are the “strong” one in their relationships are typically built that way because of traumatic events surrounding their weaknesses.  I have been all of these things…rejected, in pain and have experienced trauma.

Overall, my soul sought safety.

You know what?  I came to the conclusion that if I never have a tangible safe space, a person by which I share my fears, concerns, desires, triumphs, and hardships- I’ve found safety in the Father. For reals, though He is not tangible, He is all around and He is a safe space. The best things about Him: He’s consistent, He doesn’t change, He’s reliable and He’s always available!

This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God and I trust Him.

Psalms 91:2

I bet when David wrote those words, he was seeking a safe space.  He was on the run, his father-in-law was insane trying to kill him, his wife didn’t help him, he had no communication with his best friend, and he was utterly alone.  I know what it’s like to feel alone like no one truly understands the contents of your heart.  David knew this loneliness all too well, but even in the midst of his pain, he recognized what he had: the Father.  The Father was his safe space, and He is mine.

May you find refuge in the love of God!  May the Father give you a safe space/a community that will love you well!



Come Home

I was sitting on the floor, interceding for those I love. When felt this strong unction from above- to start a different kind of  prayer.  It’s rare, how on a Friday night, one filled with horror and fright- I am on my knees.  I use my favorite word “please” as I enter into the presence of the Father.  Like none other, He informs me of world current events- things that don’t make sense but are happening now.  I raise my brow, but out of submission target my prayers to this new found news. What was I to do? Simply pretend that I didn’t hear your name, even though it was just in the same category of those I was praying for.  My heart became sad, my nose sore as tears washed down my face.  I wanted to simply erase what I knew.  That it a was you, contemplating suicide on this dreary night too.  I sat on my prayer blanket, afraid to utter your name because then it would become true.  So I prayed for the young man I thought I knew.  I cried harder, hoped farther than I’ve hoped before.  That in the middle of this sore- situation; you would hear my voice.  That maybe you would make the choice to be on the earth with me. And not just to be here, but be free.  I asked that the Father would allow you to hear my spirit talking to yours, as I tried to cease the war between your soul and spirit.  I don’t know if you could hear it, but that still small voice was mine- stretching beyond time, hoping for another chance.  To advance love where there was none.I hoped that your mind wasn’t made up that the action wasn’t done.  I lowered my head and wished to see you where you were, not trying to cause a stir but I wanted to know what to say exactly to you.  After all you’ve been through, a general “suicidal prevention” speech wouldn’t be sufficient. I had to utilize this limited time of being omniscient, to speak directly to your heart.  It was so dark, both what was inside and out.  Light seemed to be blocked by the darkness of doubt, in your mind you thought today was your last day.  I had nothing to say, as I looked at your silhouette- death sat waiting to fulfill its threat.  It looked as if I could have been in your living room, I didn’t know where to stand.  There was a letter on the table and a revolver in your hand. Tears streamed down your face as you thought about what was to come.  Someone had the nerve to say that on the Earth, you was nothing but the scum.  The lies that your ears were tortured to hear, I wish that I could have had you near-me.  I looked at you, not knowing if you saw me.  I had to speak to you, I had to see- if my words would bring you life, the same as yours have brought me. At first I spoke timidly. “Honey, it’s me- if you hear my voice, know you are necessary!” “My love for you goes on for eternity, I need your presence on the Earth to be.” You looked up as if you could hear me say, all the words you wished someone told you today.  Your eyes bore into mine, and you squinted to see if I was real.  Your spirit longed for my spirit to be there, you wanted to heal.  So I took a step further and I continued my speech to you.  I had to say these words as if it was the last thing I do.  “Baby come home, come home to me.”  You said “I can’t! Just let me be. This is the only way out.” I wanted to scream and shout, but instead I simply said: “The only way out is Jesus.  He’s the only way.” “Things will get better, even if it doesn’t look like it today.”  I promised you better days, I even guaranteed my life.  My love for you is so strong, I didn’t have to think about it twice.  “Come Home, come home to me.”  “Come home, come home with the Father so you can be free!.”   You lowered your weapon and dried your eyes, but by that time I was gone- I was no longer a spy.  I don’t know how things ended, what happened the rest of the night.  All I know is that I have a feeling that concerning you, everything is going to be alright.  Don’t blame yourself for my knowing, for me coming to the rescue.  I’m full of love and compassion, I’m still the girl you once knew. I love you.

©Simone Holloway, 2015

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