I Got It Wrong

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers-

Around this time five years ago, I wrote a post called “My Only” expressing joy in the idea that I found (what I believed) to be my “one and only,” the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I thought I found the love of my life. I was wrong. I found a man that was incapable of loving me to the capacity that I needed. I was looking over my blog memories when my stats revealed that someone read that post a few days ago. My first thought: “Simone, delete that post!!! That relationship failed, get rid of the memories of your failures, erase the post.” But, that isn’t life, we can’t go around erasing the terrible things that we’ve experienced. We face our failures, we accept them and we learn from them. So here are three reasons, I believe my getting it wrong was necessary for me to learn how to get it right.

  1. I accepted the love I thought I deserved: subpar, broken and inconsistent. The guy I thought was forever, in hindsight, did not love me well. And to tell you the truth, I can’t blame him. He was not loved well and he had no genuine connection to the One who loved him well. When your life is absent from the Creator of Love, it’s hard to love others. Instead, you love them through your broken version of the love you’ve received. That is the way he loved me: from a place of fear/distance, insecurity which drove his patterns of lying about stupid things, ghosting and poor communication and mediocre because to invest in love is to open himself up to the possibility to be in pain. He prided himself to be a master of pain avoidance and he did this by loving from a shallow place. The worst part was I loved the same way: my friendships were not deep by any measure of the imagination. I was trying to be everything for him, even if it meant being untrue to myself. Lastly, he was everything and because I did not think highly of myself; it was like girl you betta take what you can get. WRONG!!! Now, I’ve grown and I can see that God was like “Homegirl, you deserve so much better!” Thank God!  
  2. I was not okay with being alone. In fact, being and dying alone was one of my biggest fears. Therefore, I settled with “better than what I had” but not necessarily great. Anything that is better than what you had always seemed to be the best but it is not until you understand what you’re worth that you realize what you’ve settled for. There is nothing wrong with looking back and being like “he’s not that great- in fact he’s trash!” I wasn’t secure within myself to have that moment of awakening but God not waiting on my point of enlightenment, in mercy, decided to save this girl from herself! I’m so grateful He did. Because, if we’re honest not one ounce of love lives in fear; so to build a love out of it would be a decision to settle for a love that is indeed false. Perfect love expels fear; there is no fear in true love. As I’ve grown and come to love myself, I seek to be absent of fear and perfected in love. It is the heart of the Father that we are full of love and void of fear and that should be demonstrated in our relationships. To be unafraid is to be truly in love. 
  3.  I realized that I needed to heal. Yep, there were wounds that I neglected thinking that I would find healing in my relationship but that’s not how it works, you are to come to your relationship whole ready to complement them. It is so dangerous to bring your open wounds to someone and expect them to have the balm to heal you. It breeds codependency and easy disappointment. God knew that I needed to heal, that I needed to be alone to really seek him for this necessary balm. The best thing that could have happened was the ending of my relationship because the end of that thing opened my heart to the fact that there were wounds that needed to heal. Ladies and gents, the best thing you can do is heal. Heal and then enter into relationships with other people. Don’t bring your baggage into your relationships and place expectations on people to heal you. Only God heals, so allow him to heal you with His love.

Friends, the guy I was with was NOT my one and only, but he was integral to my growth. He taught me what I did not want in a person. He taught me what I was not willing to settle for. He taught me that what I’ve embraced was not real love. I’m grateful that things ended because it gave me the freedom to learn about myself and to love me.  So, there is no need to fear mistakes because even our mistakes are redeemable in the hands of God.  He has this tendency to take our bad things and He promises to make them work for our good.  He rights our wrongs. 

God allowed me to get it wrong so that He could make one thing right, me!  

Xoxo, 

Simone 

FIC: https://i2.wp.com/digital-photography-school.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/black-white-mistakes-4.jpg?resize=750%2C750&ssl=1

A Wrong Choice

Hello Authentic Lovers-

How are you guys doing?  Today has been an interesting day so far, from getting lost in the court buildings to missing a hearing, to starting off my day with a little Trip Lee “Manolo” action, and the day just started.   Anyways…I was reading Mark 15 this morning, like early in the morning ( 3ish?) and I was thinking about the reaction of the people as Jesus stood before Pilate.  I know it’s Christmas and some will say I should be focusing my study on Christ coming into the world, and “save all that” cross stuff for Easter, but hey the cross is always appropriate no matter the time of year.

Why is it always easier to choose the wrong thing?  To choose the wrong person? To choose the wrong lifestyle?  Why?

I thought about the power of wrong choices as I read this chapter this morning.  Jesus was arrested the night before and the He was before Pilate. Pilate was the governor of the land at the time was honoring a tradition of releasing a prisoner before Passover.  The public had a choice: Jesus (charged with claiming to be God) or Barabbas(a known murderer and criminal). Jesus, mockingly called the “King of the Jews”, had done nothing wrong and was arrested illegally( at night).  SO I’M ALL ABOUT JUSTICE…so if I was in the crowd I would have chosen Barabbas, but I would have been the minority.

The crowd yelled at the top of their lungs,,,,”WE WANT BARABBAS..” Pilate clearly nor understanding the animosity of the crowd asked, “What shall I do with him (gesturing to Jesus)? ” The crowd sealing His fate, yelled once more – “CRUCIFY HIM!”  

The crowd chose a murderer over an innocent man.  Isn’t that the times we are coming into, when the majority are choosing things/people that are not good for them, and therefore destroying what is good.  Jesus’ death was necessary for the salvation of mankind, but what are the deaths of those who are innocent doing for humanity?  How is their death significant, especially if it causes more violence instead of peace?  Why do we choose hatred over love? Violence over peace?  Selfishness over selflessness? 

Why do we make wrong choices?  Maybe it’s because at the beginning of time: Adam and Eve made a single wrong choice and ate the forbidden fruit, dooming mankind.

Now it was the custom at the festival to release a prisoner whom the people requested. A man called Barabbas was in prison with the insurrectionists who had committed murder in the uprising.  The crowd came up and asked Pilate to do for them what he usually did.

“Do you want me to release to you the king of the Jews?” asked Pilate,knowing it was out of self-interest that the chief priests had handed Jesus over to him. But the chief priests stirred up the crowd to have Pilate release Barabbas instead.  “What shall I do, then, with the one you call the king of the Jews?” Pilate asked them.

 “Crucify him!” they shouted.

“Why? What crime has he committed?” asked Pilate.

But they shouted all the louder, “Crucify him!”

 Wanting to satisfy the crowd, Pilate released Barabbas to them. He had Jesus flogged, and handed him over to be crucified. ( Mk 15:6-15 NIV)

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

Featured Image Credit: http://gbcdecatur.org/files/Barabbas.jpg

The Revised Letter to My Ten-Year Old Self

Hello Authentic Lovers,

Maybe a month and a half ago, I published an article called “Dear Ten- Year Old Self” it was letter full of regret and angst at my current love life. It was my way of saying that I was destined to be alone, which is totally not true. It was probably the most depressing piece of literature I have ever written; it was REALLY depressing.

So today…I was in my kitchen thinking about the last few articles written and decided that my perception of love and how I’ve experienced it has darkened my views.  Love is not as bad as I have made it out to be. In fact, love is a beautiful gift that should be treasured and acquired by many.  Those who are hurting, project this image of a broken world because of their own brokenness and that is the image I was projecting- an image of brokenness.  I was so broken, to the point that I thought I could not be repaired; but God works with things that seem to be impossible, things that cannot be salvaged. He relishes in the lost causes. I thought I was a lost cause, a tragic story that had no hope in its ending- I was wrong. I was so wrong about God, about love and about myself. I saw myself as weak, vulnerable, a victim- a target just waiting for the next broken heart, but that is not who I am.  I am not weak, fragile, broken; I’ve been made whole and should live my life as such. I was not the same little girl that always felt unloved, nor did I have the same little heart that had been smashed into a million pieces- I was no longer her. The funny thing about life is that sometimes little people grow up battling the same demons, feeling the same way, going through the same motions of childhood, of adolescence.

As I’m writing to you, I feel a sense of rebirth and renewal- something that my middle name (Renee) means but I have yet to truly experience.  I sense this difference in mindset and I’ve come to understand that the same God I thought wanted to hinder love from me was the same God begging for me to receive His love.  God has loved me from the beginning of time and yet I sought after this love in people, in places, in things. I’ve searched for my prince charming, like a princess without a home; when I had a prince waiting for me to embrace the gift of His life. You know, sometimes we have to hurt- we have to experience pain to learn a lesson, to truly move forward.

Pain is not a curse but rather a gift, a signal to instruct us that we are in the wrong place- that we shouldn’t be comfortable with what we have. Pain distinguishes what is good and bad for us and therefore comes in handy.  I was seeing pain as this obsolete apparition that followed me into every stage of life, but rather pain was making me and shaping me into the strong young woman I have become.  Pain was my blessing and it’s life lessons have helped me grow.

So if I could write a new letter to myself at ten, I would say “Stay the same- be you!” Yes, there will be pain.  Yes, people will hurt you. Yes, at times you will feel alone- but remain true to yourself. Love with everything inside of you and realize that the prince you seek so badly is waiting for you with His arms outstretched, waiting to give you His life. Today, I am loved. I am strong. I am fearless. Does that mean I have everything together? No. Does that mean that I don’t have more learning to do? Oh course not! But I am not longer the victim, waiting for my demise. I am the victor, the one that overcame and chose to love in spite of.  I am no longer broken, I am whole. This is who I am and I don’t apologize for living my life as such.

If you’ve felt like me once upon a time in your life, I would love to hear about it! Feel free to share your thoughts with me. I hope that this post tonight encourages you and helps you realize that you are stronger than you think. I believe in you! I believe in your dreams and ambitions. I believe in the greatness of what you was created to be. Lastly, I believe in the power of your love. I know that your love can change the world for the better. Love is powerful, the same way it can be used to destroy is the same way it can be used to heal. Love healed me. God’s love healed me and it made into the person that I am today. I believe in your love. If you need anything- someone to talk to or just a friend,  you can reach me via email: authenticlove789@gmail.com, like my page on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/authenticlove789. Follow me on Twitter @framesofdust8 and finally join my Instagram family: @lawnmusic578. I can’t wait to hear from you and we’ll speak soon!

Until next time,
Mo 🙂