I Am Too Proud To Beg

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers- 

Happy Pre-Christmas Week!  I’m home for the holidays and I can feel the hustle and bustle of excitement in the air.  It’s been a while since we’ve talked, so I thought I would share something with each of you tonight.

As I began to gear up for dinner prep, I began to think about the holidays as a whole.  As many of you know, I ended a long-term relationship this past July.  Before this final break up, I was stuck in this on again- off again whirlwind of a relationship.  I spent seven years devoted to this rescue project, who did not acknowledge my own value to invest the same.  It was a living nightmare.  The sad part of this whole fiasco was every Christmas I would do the absolute most to convince him that I was “it.”  It was as if in my mind the magic of Christmas would cure our toxic relationship.  Slowly but surely, I awakened to myself, and now I am convinced that I deserve better.

Ladies and gents, this is the first Christmas in a long time that I am truly single.  I mean single-single.  I am single in my mind, heart, body, I belong to God and me alone.  Christmas is not my favorite holiday because of whose attached to me (contrary to Hallmark Channel’s popular belief), neither does this holiday bring me joy because of who is sitting at my dinner table.  Christmas is my favorite holiday because its the day God in goodness full of love gave the world a gift that was too good for it:  His Son.  He loved me enough to give me a piece of himself. And if the Creator gave himself so freely, why on earth should I have to beg someone to love me well?  I don’t.  Point, blank, periodt!

Friends, it took me seven years to learn that I deserved better.  Seven long, teary-eyed, exhausting years.  Now that I recognize my worth, I’m not begging anyone else to.  I know that I’m beautiful,  I know that I’m dope, I know that I’m wife material.  I understand that I am God’s gift to humanity, that I’ve been fashioned in gentleness and grace, that my class and elevated thinking is one to die for.  I know who I am.  And this awareness of me has shifted my whole approach to relationships.  Friends, know thyself!  Recognize the goodness that lies within you and refuse to beg anyone else to see what’s inside- especially someone with no vision, no goals, no ambition and a little to no future.

Be too proud of yourself to beg!

Xoxo,

Simone

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Nerves & Excitement

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers – 

This is finally happening. I am leaving home to pursue a career in law.  I move from my parent’s house to my own place in a few days and I am filled with nerves, excitement, and a whole bunch of feelings that I cannot even begin to understand.  I thought I would be facing this moment a couple of years ago, but the plan of God was different and He destined that I leave this year to begin that phase of my future.

As I think about the days to come, I am speechless as I grasp the idea of leaving my family, church family and all I know behind.  I’m utterly on my own, alone as I push toward my dreams.I am going to a place that my friends cannot go with me, even the one I loved more than life could not go and I’ve been placed in a position where it’s me and God for the long run.  I tried to busy myself so I would not have to grapple with these facts, thinking that if my mind is not idle- I can pretend that this transition did not effect me.  But as I am writing this evening, I feel tears threatening to be released from the prison of my eyes- I realize that this is it! This is exactly what I asked  for, prayed for , believed for… and instead of fear I should be filled with courage as i walk into this new place.

Courage.  I want to be courageous- I’ve been prepping for these days for two years and have met more hardships than anyone would ever understand.  I found out over the span of two years who were my friends and who were counterfeits.  I discovered that the word family means different things to different people.  I became guarded. I dumped the practice of being naive and I learned that in life you have to fight for what you want and sometimes you just have to cry it out.  You have to cry out disappoint, you have to cry out fear, you have to cry  and shed as many tears as possible to cleanse the soul.  Sometimes you have to cry to heal and sometimes you have to walk alone so that you can finally learn yourself.

There comes a time in our lives where we have to love ourselves first, so that we can love others.  There comes a time when we have to believe in our dreams, when no one else does.  Finally, sometimes we have to become prisoners of hope and hope for the best regardless of how everything around us is trying to steal that hope.  I fought for where I am, a J.D. candidate in the class of 2019 and I have so much more fighting to do.  I will fight until the end when I am sitting on a judge’s seat making the wrongs of our society right again.  Becoming a lawyer is the next step in the line of many  and the best is yet to come.

So loves, I thought I would share my heart with you this evening and bring encouragement regarding your dreams.  I know life has been tough, believe me I do – but I know that each and every one of you have the power within to change the world.  I believe in your dreams.  I believe in your ability to bring them to pass.  I believe that inside of you is a purpose greater than what you see for yourself and I am excited yet nervous at how you are going to bring your imprint of change to the earth.  I love you guys!

Thanks for being my family, for sharing your lives with me and for welcoming me into your lives as well.  Most importantly, thanks for sticking with me when I did not believe in myself.  Thank you Authentic Lovers!!!

Until next time ( when my workload gets a bit easier lol.),

Simone

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I’m Getting Married, But I Didn’t Invite You To The Wedding….👀

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

It’s an early day here in Greenville, cold and a little quiet from our seemingly typical 7 day rain storm.  I love mornings like this, because these days always put me in the space to reflect and write about my reflections.  So here we go, welcome to the tangent otherwise known as my life …

It’s wedding season!!! Yay!!! How many of you guys have been involved in one or is being asked to be involved in one? How many of your old college buddies are getting married? And how many of you are that single person that has yet to get “hitched”? Oh lovelies this is me …🙋🏾 

But recently I’ve run into this scenario, the person I was supposedly friends with in college- my “sister”, friend and life long buddy pulled one of these….” I’m engaged!” Me: “yay!!!!” Them: about 6mos to a year later ” I’m married!!!!” Me: *I never attended that wedding 👀👀* (Maybe my invitation got lost in the mail…)

Hmmm….. So we’re the best of friends? Are you sure? It’s okay if we’re not…just wished I realized that we weren’t really friends before I wasted all that time investing in a friendship. This has been my thought process for the past 3 months…

So today I stand on my platform of opportunity to encourage those who have experienced something similar- let me tell you honey. Your friends do life with you. They celebrate you and you celebrate them. If your friends can’t be around during your hard times, nor do they want to share their happiness with you then- THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS!!!!! Stop wasting your time… You are too great to waste your time with awful people. 

Things like that will test your confidence and it’ll come to tear down your self esteem, but I’m here to remind you of your awesomeness. You are awesome and anyone would be so great to do life with you. 

Let’s rid  ourselves  of everyone who doesn’t want to be there for us or vice verse and let me tell you something, when we do that- God sends people our way that love us so much that we forget about those who didn’t. 

Well good morning fam, I hope that encourages you! 

Until next time, 

Mo 🙂 

July 31, 2011

Hello Authentic Lovers

“There’s tension from the start

A fire warms our hands

Anger warms your heart

I looked over

Saw something new

Brows bent, voice raised, & cursing lips

It was a different you

Rude, furious, & vile

You no longer laughed

You no longer smiled

The craziness of it all

How arguments start small

They spread like wildfire

Like the poison of a liar

A seed sown; I could not till

All apart of Satan’s will

To distract, confuse and create chaos

Your heart broken, your hope lost

I a w k w a r d l y watched

As a horn *BLARED* my cue

That night left me

with a different picture of you

I left you angry

I left you lost

If only I knew

My action’s cost

If I only knew…

I would have never left you.

(c) Simone Holloway, 2014

Today’s poetry tells the story of an onlooker witnessing an argument between someone they know and someone else.  Situations allow us to see individuals in a different light, but all in all- we are never to cast judgement: we are supposed to be there for people during hard times.  When we witness hearts being broken and self-esteems being lost, we are to be present and speak a word of hope.  That’s our role in the earth, to be bearers of hope.  I learned this lesson when it was too late- I pray that you don’t do the same!

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

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I’m Thankful….

Hello Authentic Lovers!

As I celebrate Thanksgiving, I could not go on in this day without sharing my heart with each of you.  I am so thankful for God and His everlasting love towards me.  God is my best friend, besides E of course, and He has been with me since the very beginning.  I hope that each of you experiences this type of relationship that I have with Him: sweet, consistent and just lovely.  I am thankful for my loving family.  I have the most amazing parents and a great sister.  We have been through some hard times; homelessness, heartache, lies have been told on us, but nevertheless my family has been strong and proved to bounce back from opposition.  I am thankful for my spunky, over the top, super energetic sister Sierra. She always manages to put a smile on my face.  She has grown to be a lovey young lady and I am so proud of her.  I am thankful for my church family whose prayers have gotten me through some hard times.  This year I am really thankful…

Finally I am thankful for those I have loved and lost; for those I have given my heart to, for those that broke it; for those I made mistakes with and for those that made mistakes with me; all-in-all I am thankful for all of the life lessons I have learned.  I learned to be strong, to be courageous, to never give up.  Lastly, I have learned to love freely and to freely accept love.

I am thankful for each of you, for those who have been reading my work from the beginning.  Thanks for the encouragement!  Thanks for the love!  Your support means everything to me and you make writing such a joy.  Thanks for bringing joy to my life.  I love each and everyone of you and I wish only the best for you!

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

P.S. Eat lots of turkey for me…Happy Thanksgiving!

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Like Abraham….

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

These past two weeks have been so emotional, just because of the internal obstacles I have had to face.  Once again, I faced feelings of inadequacy, the opinions of others and the challenge of family and their expectations in my life.  I made up my mind a long time ago that I was going to live my life, whether people approved or not.  I was going to make my own decisions.  These people include my parents.  I have found that other the years, my parents- especially my mom, has this particular vision for my life.  I share some aspects of her vision but I’m not her so some aspects of her vision I do not share and have no intention of following.  My mom’s opinion matters a lot to me and her opinions have caused me to second guess the direction God has been leading me towards in life.  I realized that I rather listen to God and live my life according to His will than to live my life trying to please my mother.  I love my mom, I do – it’s just that I have to live my own life the way God wants me to live it.  I can’t stand before God and say I didn’t do what You told me to because my mom didn’t approve.  There comes a time in our lives where we have to make our own decisions apart from family and friends.  In these times, we will not be popular and they may not believe that our decisions are right but that is all apart of growing up- making your own God ordained decisions.  

I am realizing everyday that God is preparing me like Abraham, he is preparing me to go away from my family and everything that I’ve known before so that I can go a place that He is going to show me.  If we never leave those who have so much influence over us, we will find ourselves never walking out God’s will in our lives.  Doing your own thing is not a matter of disrespect, it’s a matter of growing up and we as a spirit-led people are going to have to explain to our family (esp. parents) that God’s plan is perfect.  Just because they don’t understand the plan, doesn’t mean it’s not God.  They have to trust God’s plan in your life.  I am coming to the place that if God says sleep at the hospital and my mom doesn’t approve, I’m still going to sleep at the hospital because God said so and not because my mom approved.  I don’t need her approval concerning my life.  Her approval would be great, but if she doesn’t approve of  my decisions- I will still love her and move on with what’s ahead.

We have to stop allowing others to have so much control over who we become.  If we’re not careful , people will live their lives vicariously through us and that is not the will of God.  The will of God is for us to be obedient to Him and His word, not to the opinions of others.  Yes, there is accountability.  Yes, God loves submission to leadership.  But, if your leadership is hindering you from fulfilling what God has said, He will either remove your leadership or grasp your attention so that you can heed His voice.  I rather make some people mad, even my mom – then be disobedient to God.  I can’t afford to walk in disobedience and make the wrong choice because of what other’s think would be best for me.  You have to live your own life with God and let others do the same.  I’m not advocating rebellion, I’m advocating taking a stand concerning your life and not living it passively taking the direction of others.  

Some of you guys are going to have to be like Abraham and leave what you know (who you know) behind so that you can move forward into the place God has destined for you.  

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

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