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Open.

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers–

“Be Open.” That is the instruction ringing in my heart.  All of my fears are contending with the Lord in the form of what-ifs, yet in kindness, He repeats himself once more: “Open your heart. Open your heart to love.”  Tears stream down my cheeks as I realize that I’ve been closed to the idea that someone will actually love me.  Fully.  To tell you the truth, I’ve just fully accepted the idea that He loved me fully.  I just became content with that phenomenon; that in spite of all of my mistakes, weaknesses, and shortcomings, this great God was in fact deeply in love with me.

My heart resisted but the instruction remained the same, “Open your heart. Open your heart to being loved.” “But God” my heart persisted, “What if he hurts me?” The instruction remained the same, “Open your heart.  Open your heart to being loved.”  “But God.” my heart pleaded, “What if this breaks me worse than last time?” The Father remained gentle, in pure kindness- he stated one more time, “Love, the choice is yours. But darling, I’ll ask again – Open your heart.  Open your heart to being loved.”  I sat on my couch and I heard his gentle voice like oil caress my spirit and I had a choice to make.  Either I would open up and take the risk of pain or remain closed and ultimately alone.

At the end of the day to trust in the instruction of God is to ultimately trust in Him.  To trust Him requires the hard thing:  it requires facing our fears, it requires confronting our doubts, it requires trying again at the thing we think we suck at the most.  For me, love.  I have this obvious track record of failed relationships, of apparent heartbreaks.  I have this rap sheet of ugly moments and countless memories of love lost.  I am a woman who has made peace with her regrets yet fear gripped me when I heard his voice.  Fear came to remind me of my past and shame came as a drinking buddy ready to cosign me into self-sabotage.  Yet, here comes Holy Spirit: kind, gentle and full of truth with one simple instruction.  Be Open. Open your heart to being loved. 

So, here I am completely open and vulnerable and just plain scared but willing.  I am willing to be open, I am willing to be loved.

I have no idea where this heart journey is going to take me.  All I know is that I am committed to obeying sweet Holy Spirit’s instruction.  I am committed to being open and to keep my heart open to being loved. I am willing and my heart says “Yes.”

Until next time,

Simone 

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Memories

I remember being prompted to write to you.

To unleash all of my thoughts and to direct them solely to you.

But fear came in, and I determined

that I could not bear such a weight of honesty.

I did not want to face this insecurity,

so I remained silent.

Yet, I could not continue to hide that…

my mind remembers you.

My mind is also convinced that 1+1=2…

that one day there will be

the two of us, freely

engaged in a relationship with one another

and not just simply together.

My mind and not just my heart is shipping us on the daily.

To tell the truth, you’re to blame

because since our first meeting I haven’t been the same

and that’s when fear and doubt came…

and I silently watched you forfeit the love game.

Hmmm… isn’t it crazy that after all the time that’s gone by,

after sleeping under different parts of the skies,

after absent vacations, birthdays and graduations,

after new jobs and new life situations,

after twists, turns, life unexpected promises,

after suicidal attempts and divine God-visits,

after years of addictions and brand new shoes,

after realizing that life was more than being cool..

I still cannot forget about you.

Trust me, I tried.

I stood in the mirror and lied,

said that I didn’t love you anymore.

I went too far in my confession, I even swore-

to those that loved me dearly and to those who witnessed my pain.

I promised I wouldn’t choose you, because I didn’t want you to break me again.

But my mind doesn’t care because I remember:

Indian and Thai food, Lakers, “Lebron, the princess!”, Christmas 2012, Phoenix (Parisian boys), “I’m destiny, you’re looking at it”, bagging contest, CNC galore, food science degrees, brewery dreams, “Sept. 15, Don’t forget!”, fields and fields of broken dreams.  July 10, 2011,> hands clasped at the altar.

I remember and I tried desperately to forget.

For 5+ years, every moment I’ve had in life has found a way to connect to you.

So… I know I’m intelligent, but maybe I’m a fool.

Because even on your worst days- I still want to be with you!

Maybe this is grace personified in me,

maybe this is love, maybe this is being free.

Maybe this is compassion bestowed liberally…

all in all, still remains the question of what to do.

Yes, I’ll admit it.  I never stopped loving you.

©Simone Holloway, 2018

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Rock

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

I can’t remember the last time,  I shared something with you all.  I’ve been consumed with school, church, extra-circulars and have carved out some time to hear from God to speak to you.  So… I was thinking, what good is a home without a solid foundation? 

Really though, if the foundation is cracked underneath the house- how long does that house have before it caves in?  

I would say, not very long.  Foundation is everything!  The one thing, the Lord has been speaking to me about is foundation.  Specifically, the foundation of our faith,  and our churches.  As I was sitting in this study room, mentally prepping for finals- I was reminded of the parable of Jesus about building our houses upon rock vs. building them on sand.  You know the story! Maybe??? We are supposed to build our houses on rock so that when the storm comes and the winds blow, our houses can withstand that storm.  If we however, build our houses upon sand: when the storm comes and winds blow, our houses will cave in and fall to the ground.

So what are our houses?  Our house is our heart.  The innermost sections of ourselves, the center pivotal focus of our spiritual walk with God.  It is in our hearts that we make a majority of our decisions.  Similarly, where our treasures resides, our  heart resides there also. So as a believer, someone who follows/believes in Christ, it is very important that Christ is positioned at the center of our hearts.  It is very important that he resides within us there.

So if our house is our hearts, what’s so important about rock?

Rock is sturdy, steadfast, not easily moved by condition and circumstance.  I’ve never seen a rock adjust because of someone’s feelings or because someone had an opinion about it’s purpose or use. Rocks remain in position regardless of the change happening around it.  Therefore, if our faith in Jesus is built on a rock, it can’t be easily moved by bad news and awful circumstance.  Unmovable faith is not shaken by sickness, disappointment,  or loss.  Unmovable faith is not shaken by the validation or opinions of others, but remains steady during times of change.  Unmovable faith is built on a rock.

So… what about sand?

Sand is unsteady,  not sturdy, inconsistent and easily moved by condition and circumstance.  When we go to the beach, as soon as the tide comes in the sand underneath our feet moves in response to the seawater.  Therefore, if our faith in Jesus is built on sand, it’s fickle and changes based upon our feelings.  If we feel like we love God, then we do.  If we feel like we don’t, then we don’t.  One day He’s friend, next day He’s enemy.  There is no consistency in the time we spend with him.  There is no consistency in our witness and if others were looking to us to point them toward him, they would not find the way.  Faith built on sand, breeds confusion, anger and waste.

Why does this matter?  Things in life are going to happen.  Some good and some terribly bad- it’s apart of the process and if our foundations are cracked or not steady then when these times come we won’t know how to withstand the storm.  Can you imagine being in a home with “sandy” foundation in the middle of a Hurricane?  Think about it, the fact that you are within that home can costs you your life.  Would you not rather be in a sturdy home built on a “rocky”/ solid foundation?  I believe that God is challenging our foundation, and he wants us to truly find out if we’re built on rock or if we’re built on sand.

Since we are the church, when we gather together- in an organized fashion, either we are worshiping on rock or we are worshiping on sand.  Churches built on rock produce fruit, demonstrate maturity and walk in true love.  Churches built on sand live in carnality, produce church hurt and discord, and contain a building of immature stagnant individuals.  Let’s build upon rock, in fact let’s build upon the Rock who is Christ himself.  He is worth building our faith, churches, and simply our lives upon.  Let’s build upon Him!

Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock.  But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand.  When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.

Words of Jesus, Matt 7:24-27 NLT

Until next time,

Simone

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Secret Room

There’s a secret place,

a hidden room within the confines of my heart-that few can get to.

It’s in this room where all of my dreams and inner desires are held.

Held captive…

It’s here where the truest form of myself resides…

A place that is hard to find, a room that is hard to unlock- a place that fills some with shock when they choose to burst open it’s french doors.

It’s here that if opened, smiles are decoded and translated into beautiful messages of love and compassion for you.

It’s crazy how one can sit among you and not truly know your heart- nor be able to see the light and the mercy that consumes your being…

But with you, there is a feeling that is freeing –

since you know exactly what each glance means in conversation -without hesitating to confirm that we’re on the same page.

Perfect love casts out all fear and now I am unafraid because out of many,

only you could find my heart’s secret room.

©Simone Holloway, 2016.

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Recurring Thoughts

When I started a new journey,

I thought of you.

When I was broken and when I was lonely,

I thought of you.

When congrats was in order,

I thought of you.

When my ears only heard bad news,

I thought of you.

When my life flashed before my eyes,

I thought of you.

As the death mobile laughed out lies,

I thought of you.

When my dreams fell and shattered into two,

I thought of you.

When I lost myself in the chaos,

I thought of you.

When I became overwhelmed in life’s rush,

I thought of you.

As glass crashed all around and Bella said goodbye.

As rejection letters flooded my mailbox- and I cried out “God, why?”

As I leaped into and out of relationships and my confidence went down the drain.

As I pulled myself out of depression, and promised I wouldn’t be the same.

As  I walked across that stage and entered into the world.

As my heart was played over  and I was no longer anyone’s girl.

As my sister disappointed me so and ministry broke my spirit.

As truth was sung around me but I was too stubborn to hear it.

As my plan didn’t match God’s plans and my life turned into a wreck.

As I bounced back and learned to trust in the midst of havoc.

I thought and I prayed and I tried not to think of you…

I tried my hardest not to dwell on you while I was in the storm,

while sadness became my norm.

While I felt worthless and through, I tried my hardest…

not to think of you.

But even now as the sun break through life’s stormy seas

and good weather touch the inner workings of my heart by small degrees.

And as life turns unto a favorable street,

and  as I make sure my face is beat-

Darling, I think of you….

You are and forever will be in my recurring thoughts.

©Simone Holloway, 2015

Featured Image Credit: http://supertradmum-etheldredasplace.blogspot.com/2013/04/thoughts-on-black-and-white.html

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I’m Listening

I’m listening to you….

I’m listening to the beeaatttinng of your heart

as the rain

drip

drop

drip

drop

I’m listening to you….

I’m listening to the hollowness inside of you

as pain wanders about

as regret runs through the halls

as sadness goes to bed

I’m listening

as hope taps on the window to come in…

as joy begs for someone to open the door

as love wishes for an invitation.

I’m listening

and it seems like the world is deaf

to your cries

oh the lies ….

You are necessary

your presence is missed

and I’m not at risk

for loving you.

I know what you been through and I’m still here….

listening…

©Simone Holloway, 2015

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Bodily Response

my eyes are smiling
my ears are listening
for the song that is your laugh
and I am waiting here in our secret place for you.
my hands are fidgeting
my feet are shaking
as nervous energy absorbs me
and I, trying to remain calm as I sit here in this place- figuring out what to do.
my heart is doing this little dance
my gut is speaking it's piece
as I make one of the biggest decisions of my life
and I decide to try
to love
with you
again.
©Simone Holloway, 2015

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Butterflies

There’s something about butterflies

maybe it’s their transformation of beauty

that simply

takes my breath away….

Or maybe,

It’s the fact that when you’re around the one you love

it’s as if 1000 of them are inhabiting your inner being

allowing the one you are seeing

to glow with the beams of perfection

it’s a lovely manifestation

of love covering all faults.

Even now these little reflections

of the glory of God

are causing my heart to flutter at the sight of you…

the beating of their wings match the beating of my heart

and I watch as God paints this work of art

with His ring finger – twining the two

of us.

In a world full of heartache and lies,

darling you cause me to be filled with butterflies.

©Simone Holloway, 2015

Featured Image Credit: https://lupusincolor.files.wordpress.com/2015/02/wpid-butterflies-yorkshire_rose-15990936-1280-960.jpg

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You’ll Just Know

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

It’s been a while.  To say that I’ve been extremely busy would be an understatement.  The truth of the situation is I am working two different jobs to make some enough income to move for law school.  I feel like the more I work, the less trouble I get into and therefore my constant exhaustion is for my good and not detriment…. 😬.  Not really sure if anyone else would agree with that logic, but that is the truth concerning why it seems like I don’t blog as much as I used to.

Anyways…there was something that just dropped into my heart this morning in regards to relationships.  I think that for many of us, relationships have been a roller coaster ride of emotions dipped in confusion.  One day we are extremely happy and content and the next we are deeply unsatisfied for whatever the reason.  We get into these relationships with this sense of doubt, waiting for things to not to work out so we can begin the process with someone else.  I’ve lived my life like this…in constant confusion and anxiety regarding those who I have been involved romantically with.

So this morning, the Holy Spirit began to speak to me about one’s inner witness.  That voice within ourselves that tells us when things are right and when things are wrong.  We like to call this voice our conscience but in Christ, this voice of reason and truth is truly the Holy Spirit leading and guiding us into life.   He warns of bad decisions and urges us to take amazing opportunities for the glory of the Father.  If we listen hard enough, we can hear him saying when things are right and when they are wrong-when the relationship is right and when it’s wrong. I think the problem comes when we override Him and the red flags He shows us because we desire to fill this void of loneliness that is within.  SOOOOO… we allow our own insecurities and weaknesses to dictate how great a relationship is for us, rather than trusting the inner workings of the Holy Spirit and His ability to lead us into truth– it’s the nature of humanity and our constant belief that we can make decisions for ourselves separated from that inner witness.

This is why i speak to so many people who say “If only I listened to by gut…” “If only I acknowledged those signs that I saw in that individual…” “If only…” The thing about hindsight is that it’s 20/20 and that’s when we truly see life what it was and not for what we wanted it to be.  I learned through harsh breakups and broken hearts to follow the leadership of the Holy Spirit and to listen to His voice, confirming this inner witness that is within.

When you meet the person you should be in covenant with, you will just know.  You will….  People today don’t want to believe in love at first sight any more or that your heart and mind will come into agreement concerning love, but it will and this agreement that happens between these two realms of ourselves will confirm that inner witness within.  I’ve experienced that agreement and it’s life changing, to be in a place where there is no doubt that you and this person is just meant to be in this very moment- it’s liberating….

So today, I encourage you to listen to the Holy Spirit.  When He shows you that things aren’t right about your relationships, pay attention and act accordingly.  Don’t stay stuck in relationships because of what you want your relationship to be rather than what truly is. Be open to the truth and heed to that inner witness within you.  Listen to Him.

When you meet the “one” for you, you’ll just know!

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

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Alone

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

Have you ever been surrounded by a crowd of people yet felt so alone? Like you didn’t fit?  Have you ever been in the company of those you love and still felt alone?  What about a best friend, yet alone? Being alone is no joke and depressing and this is the feeling that encompasses me tonight.  I feel like I am so alone, like I am talking to the air when I speak to others.  I stopped talking, I literally stopped sharing my heart with others because it’s not like they can see me: really see.  It’s crazy how you can wake up sad and try to make things better and by 9 o’clock that evening, you’re once again sad- wanting joy more than anything.  I prayed, guys I prayed so hard….and it was as if my prayers hit the ceiling.  I keep telling myself, “Simone you’re gonna get through this!  You’re gonna make it” and while  I say these words I feel myself drowning in sadness. Bound to the unspoken sentiments in my heart, and when I try to share what’s inside – what I have to say is rarely regarded.  What’s the point of talking about how you’re feeling, if you can’t trust those you talk to?  It’s crazy- I’m surrounded by people who are filled by the Holy Spirit and can “hear” from God, but  I guess it’s only selective hearing.

Maybe no one can hear my heart crying out for something more.  Maybe no one can see my tears as they fall to the ground.  It’s like I’m in the world, merely existing and not truly living… I can’t continue to live this way.

It’s times like these that I’m reminded that I’m human, in need of more grace and mercy.  I need Jesus more than I’ve ever needed Him before.  I feel so broken, so raw and so unsteady. I bet if someone blew on me, I would just fall apart- I need Him family….

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

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