New Garments

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers- 

It’s a rarity that I post twice but when things change in your life, it deems time fit for another post.  After the post earlier (Shades Down and Lights Off),  I sat on my bed and just began to think.  I thought about God, my life, my past, my present, my hopes, and desires.  To calm the anxious thoughts in my mind, I searched for the 8AM sermon at All Nations Worship Assembly.  Instead of a traditional sermon, Apostle Stevenson got up and began to pray against the spirits of death, suicide, and anxiety.  Man oh man, that prayer wrecked me.  He had no idea that a young girl in SC would listen to something he imparted into Chicago earlier that morning.  I sat, cried, worshipped and kneeled and in that moment I felt the beautiful presence of God. In my lowest of lows, His love came to the rescue once again.  I removed my clothes of sadness and mourning and changed into garments of joy.  My peace returned to me and I decided to go to church again: this time in new garments!

How great is our God, that when we think it’s all over He shows up?  When we turn to Him and express our need for Him, he comes to our rescue- so faithful and so kind, is he.  There’s a lyric in this song called “Reckless Love” that says “There’s no wall you won’t kick down/ Lie you won’t tear down/ Coming after me”  And today, He kicked down some self-made walls and he tore down the lies I  was being enticed to believe.  Loves, I want to affirm you today.  You are NOT a lost cause.  You are NOT hopeless.  You are NOT going to remain in the same situation overwhelmed by the same things.  God STILL loves you.  He STILL chooses you.  He STILL desires you and though your mind may say otherwise, HE thinks of you the SAME.  Today, in my darkest moment the Father showed up in grace, mercy and reckless love.  You are not alone, for the Creator of all good things comes to you- ready in hand with whatever you need.

Thank you for the prayers,  thanks for being my online family and thanks for giving me the freedom to live a transparent life.  I love you all very much!

Xoxo,

Simone 

FIC: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-mZaIKqL7HIM/TyooZ_7sj-I/AAAAAAAAAbI/oBUqO-zywVY/s1600/jacobscoat.jpg

Oozing With Words

Hello old friend, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

I wish I could say that I’ve always had the right words to say, or that I was always confident to speak my heart, but that is not the case.  I remember times, having so much to say but not knowing exactly how to translate my pain.  I remember moments of feeling incredibly numb, lacking the motivation or the passion to write my truths.  It’s crazy how pain makes us silent.  It robs us the freedom of bold speech and instills within us the fear of being misunderstood or hurt again.  So, to make sure we don’t experience pain again, we become silent.  The last blow to my heart almost took me completely out emotionally.  I remember doubting my words, my actions, my friendships, my family, my ability to be loved and to love.  I remember the pain of betrayal gagging me.  I remember word curses binding me, words such as “you’re not good enough.” “Oh really, you want to sing?”  “Do you really think you can write that?”  words uttered by those close to me: those I served with, those I called my Columbia family, those who were once my home.   I was dropped as a daughter, dropped as a sister, dropped as a friend and it was at no fault of my own.  So here I am, gagged by pain.  What’s even more bizarre is that I served through it.  I served through my pain.  I gave through the pain.  I danced in the midst of pain.  I sang songs of victory while bound.  I was mentally and emotionally at a standstill with God, numb by pain.

Over time, fear became my portion.  I lived in fear because I saw life through the lens of regret.  Regret causes us to doubt everything, to come to a standstill, to live in delayed obedience ( which is simply disobedience), and to become hesitant concerning everything.  Regret turned into unforgiveness, and unforgiveness turned into bitterness except I was bitter against myself for opening up in the first place, for placing expectations upon people that did not have the capacity to carry me, for desiring community that I did not see that this community was more toxic than helpful and bitter for trusting my own instincts.  In my mind, I couldn’t trust myself so I stopped advising, writing, singing, encouraging, and speaking.  I became mute.

I went to Charlotte a few nights ago, a young woman began to pray for me and encouraged me to forgive myself.  She said these words: “You have not been treated well as a daughter and God knows that it was not of any fault of your own.  He wants to heal that heart pain where it concerns sonship.”  I broke down in tears because for the first time in a long time, she saw my pain.  She spoke to my pain and all the words I wanted to utter began to ooze out to the Lord.  Her intentional prayers destroyed the gag of pain and released me to a place of tears and healing.  I’m oozing with words because pain no longer binds me.  I am free to express my heart and I’m healed to share the story of my pain with each of you!

Friends, I don’t know where each of you is in life.  Some of you may be like me:  serving through pain, some may be experiencing pain now and some of you may be alright and that is great! For those who were feeling like me, I want to remind you that God sees you.  He knows all about your pain.  He knows what they did.  He knows what you experienced.  He invites you to forgive, to open yourself to his healing voice and he invites you to freedom from heart pain.  He wants you to ooze with words of life, no longer gagged by painful experiences.  I pray that he speaks to you and that you will be healed!

Xoxo,

Simone

“Kind words are like honey, sweet to the soul” Proverbs 16:24

FIC: https://2pobaduekzw9jt9a-zippykid.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/honey.jpg

Running Backward in Fear

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

This weekend was an interesting one, to say the least.  It was supposed to have been the weekend, I moved into my new place.  Unfortunately, life had alternative plans that it failed to clue me in to until after it was determined my move date would have to be delayed.  I don’t know about you all but I hate delay!  Yet, I continued to place a delay on myself time and time again.  Ironic, isn’t it? Years would go by and yet again, there is a dream or vision that I have failed to begin by faith.  Seasons would change, yet I would remain in one season: a season of hiding, hiding from the world and everyone in it.  It was as if I was willfully ignorant to the call of God placed upon my life.  I knew God required more, yet I was scared to give that more to him.  As a girl that grew up in the faith, as a little child- I knew God has big plans for me, but out of insecurity I would make excuses as to why I could not fulfill those plans.

Everyone has this one flaw that they can’t seem to shake, I’m going to share mine.  My flaw is this tendency to run backwards when I’m afraid of what I’m getting ready to walk into.  Have you ever been pushed into a place of newness so quickly, that it overwhelmed you?  Because of this, you seek to return to the old (what’s familiar)?  I know I have, even this weekend fresh off of my commitment to God to come out of hiding, discomfort has me reaching backwards for my favorite hiding spots.   I’m reminded of the children of Israel, who the Lord delivered out of slavery from Egypt.  As soon as things got hard and this new freedom given was not what the people envisioned, they cried out of their desires to go back to Egypt- their place of bondage.  Though, things in the wilderness were not perfect, at least they were free.  Once again, the Father reminds me though things in newness seem to not be going well, at least I am free and he encourages me not to return to my life of bondage.  My places of bondage were as follows: fear, anxiety, doubt, worry, perversion, rejection, brokenness, and depression.   My new place contains: peace, love , joy, trust, acceptance and praise.  Yes, things may not be going as planned or imagined, but at least I am free.

Friends, I encourage you to kick the bucket of that flaw we discussed and let’s not respond by running backward in fear.  Trust me, we are walking through this thing together-even now.  Let’s move forward in spite of what is going on around us!

Until next time,

Simone

FIC: https://cdn.runsociety.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/17230534/How-Running-Backwards-Can-Get-You-Ahead-3.jpg

The Application

I did it!

I finally submitted this piece of paper that dictates my future.

All 1500 words reflecting my passion and zeal of what’s to come

All I really want is for some-one to come say “There you have it folks, she’s in!”

Seriously, I curiously await a decision from those that do not know me or understand the struggle it took to get to even this place….

I hope new memories erase the old ones of disappointment as I pass this familiar corner again

I can believe, that my God did not leave me to play déjà vu – but instead, He is operating in the unseen

Picking up even these pieces that scattered on the floor as failure smashed my dreams.

I believe that this time is different and that in this moment, a catalyst occurred fueling a great exchange

A great change from failure to success, from worst to best

I choose to believe in nothing less than the truth that my God loves me

And that in this great love was the will to move ahead

To allow what’s dead to remain dead as I choose to live

in the newness of Him.

So yeah tonight I took a leap of faith and I stepped out of my comfort boat and I was beckoned to come

I came, I walked and I stayed above the water that sought to sink me

©Simone Holloway, 2016

I’m No Longer Waiting…

I think it's funny 

how long it took me to come to this place.

It took me a long time 

to erase the possibility of living life for you. 

To come to decision in my heart 

that said I'm no longer waiting....

anticipating....

self-hating....

or allowing what's going on to exasperate me. 

Or rob me of my peace

my joy 

or my happiness.

To tell you the truth, I'm a hot mess

to think that I've been truly living

breathing in this God-given air with gratitude 

while my attitude turned bitter because you weren't near

or here

with me.  

But tonight, I decided to be free 

from the plagues of living life with you on my mind 

irritated that time is not on our side. 
 
I'm no longer waiting on you to be alive. 

I decided that whether you came or not

I was going to give life my best shot 

and enjoy what was around me 

I was going to simply be 

content in the skin I was given 

Livin' in my complete purpose, divine destiny 

no longer allowing your absence to hinder me 

I was going to love like never before 

I was going to let my boldness roar 

for itself 

becoming self-confident without needing your help. 

And whether we met here or on the other side- 

I was no longer waiting on you to be alive. 

So when we meet, I might be in this country or not 

I might own a small boat or a yacht.

I might have long hair or continue to rock my short do 

I might be single or I might have a boo.

I could even have a tattoo 

because at the end of the day, I am no longer living for you.  

I am living for me.

I am living to be free.

Living to live again- 

I am living as God's best friend.

So instead of making you the center of my world,

I no longer strive to be your girl-
 
I strive to be myself and smile more

I'm tired of living life like a bore

In my pursuit after God, I will continue to strive

Because I am no longer waiting on you, to be alive. 


©Simone Holloway, 2015

Featured Image Credit: https://colourintodarkness.files.wordpress.com/2015/02/1-the-feeling-of-being-alive.jpg

The Cost Of Becoming New

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

I think sometimes we think that our newness is this free phenomenon that is supposed to just drop out of the sky.  I beg to differ, I propose a different argument in that newness actually costs us something.  What are we truly getting for free?  Maybe it’s the opportunity to become new or the information that leads to our newness but all in all- our transformation has a cost.

The cost of becoming new maybe unlearning the ideologies of the old, or letting go of old friendships and relationships- these costs us a piece of our hearts and intellect.  How about getting rid of those things that we were addicted to?  How about letting go of our previous style ( hairstyles, clothing, shoes etc. ) ???  When we get a new haircut, the hair that once hung on our shoulders was severed away, costing us length.  But in all things…to become new is going to costs us something.  

It will costs us time.  It will costs us resources/money.  It will costs us love.  It will costs us something….because what we invest into we actually strive to protect and take care of.

If my newness was free, I would be more prone to abuse it- to neglect it and trade it quickly for something else, but this new attitude costs me something, and that is why it is so dear to me.

What have you invested in?  What are you willing to protect and take care of? What was the cost for you to become new? 

Sometimes in order to get something new the costs is great….

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

Featured Image Credit: http://quotepixel.com/images/quotes/life/diy-quote-wall-art_7485-1.png

Change Has Come

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

I decided to write in light of a conversation I had with the Father less than an hour ago.  I was in prayer, praying for change in my personal life when the Lord spoke to me.  He said “Stop praying for Change- Change has come. Release has come. Breakthrough has come. Love has come. Will you embrace it?”  I said yes and as an act of faith, opened my arms to embrace what was being given to me.  Sometimes, I think we can be so caught up in the act of praying for something that when it arrives, we cease to recognize it.  Praying for others and yourself is awesome, but when God answers that prayer (though you may not see it physically)- it’s time to thank Him for what’s He’s done and pray for something else.  I’ve been praying for things for years, but because I haven’t embraced what was in front of me, I didn’t experience what God was doing.  Instead, I became increasingly frustrated and allowed the idea that God wasn’t hearing me to affect the way I prayed.  If you don’t believe God is going to answer your prayers, why pray in the first place?  if you don’t believe God can hear you, why spend time talking?  When you don’t embrace what’s been given to you, you’ll think God disappointed you and that has a negative effect on your prayers.  Your prayers begin to be full of doubt and unbelief, whereas God only operates in faith.  So for you who have been like me, praying for change.  Stop.  Change has come, change is here!  Will you embrace it?

See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland. (Isaiah 43:19)

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

Featured Image Credit: http://thenorthviewblog.us/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/sm-isaiah43-191.jpg

Thinking Of You

I’m sitting here, thinking…

thinking of you thinking of me…

Spent a large majority of my time,

thinking of what we could be

if we allowed the freedom of love to

inhabit our inner being

with no limits

we would smile

knowing that time

was on our side – the side of true love

destiny

the ability to be free

a midst adversity

driven by the world

at the thought of a white man loving a black girl

“So you swirl?” is the question that I get slung towards me

like darts dripped in poison,

striving to deteriorate your position- in my heart

I start with this…

without even a kiss, my heart sparked at the thought of you

there was nothing that I could do, to get rid of this flame

that illuminated my being

and here I am, striving

to never let this go

so…

I’m sitting here, thinking…

thinking of you thinking of me

I spend a large majority of my time

thinking of what we’re going to be.

©Simone Holloway, 2015

Featured Image Credit : http://cache4.asset-cache.net/gc/471364327-romantic-hand-drawn-message-thinking-of-you-gettyimages.jpg?v=1&c=IWSAsset&k=2&d=r8uIxmcJRjHTKDXG1vx6M8CCLdUSpAn8JlpTcNVvjqIgKm4WSKY9QvkdXG9ovhtv

The Heavens’ Secret

A new day welcomes me

Masked as dark and gloomy

Beginnings stalk between the trees

I think the weather’s moody

A light mist touches my cheek

And fear strokes my heart

As the sun prepares it’s entrance

As the clouds assemble their art

Wisdom dawns on me

As pivotal as the sun

What I fear is a gift from God

Signaling change is to come

So as I awake beckoning new

As I drape my hand through Earth’s sweat

I realized that time was hard at work

Working to make sure I never forget

Forget what lies ahead

As the Earth transitions between night and day

Time wanted to make sure I always remembered

That joy etched itself into what was dark and gray

So…this morning, I no longer fear

The sweet mist outside my window

I now know the heavens’ secret

I have the inside info.

©Simone Holloway. 2015

Featured Image Credit: https://c1.staticflickr.com/7/6091/6303316338_067b4c9edd_z.jpg

Whether You Come or Not

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

TODAY is a new day!

TODAY is a day of purpose, change and destiny.

TODAY is the day that I walk into my divine destiny, my divine purpose- not allowing excuses and fear to hinder me any longer.

NewPerson
This is who I am….

TODAY is a day of empowerment, a day when I am empowered to be different, to be the change I seek in this world.

TODAY is the day that I embrace that verse that says “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ , the new creation has come: the old has gone, the new is here!” ( 2 Cor. 5:17 NIV).

So TODAY I embrace my newness and I allow old mindsets, habits, concepts to die.  The old from this day on, no longer exists and I choose to walk in the newness of Christ.

TODAY I move forward into what God wants for me whether you come or not!!!

Forget the former things;
    do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland. ( Isaiah 43:18-19 NIV) 

Until next time,

Mo  🙂