You Are Necessary

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

Happy Tuesday!  It’s Spring Break 2K17 for me and I am in my hometown of Greenville, SC.  I love this city but all of this idle time is not doing great things for me.  I got to thinking this afternoon, as I was wasting my life away in front of the TV and on social media:  How many people feel unnecessary?  Like their existence is not meaningful?  I remember feeling unnecessary for an extensive period of time, like if I dropped off the face of the Earth, no one would care.

There is nothing worse, then feeling isolated, invisible and alone.  Such a horrible concept to randomly think about, right?  Kind of..but I believe that these thoughts are real.  We live in a world where everyone is perceived to be happy, to be content.  We have Facebook friends but lack true friends.  We’re InstaFamous but no one knows who we truly are.  We have the good looks, the stellar resumes, and the amazing connections.  Yet, we cannot find jobs, build meaningful relationships or seem to be able to share our soul with another. This is going to sound super harsh, but even our churches are filled with individuals who hear about a God of community each week, yet they are filled with depression and feel utterly alone.  I remember moving to Columbia, knowing no one.  When I first joined the ministry I am at now, I felt like an outsider and alone.  I went from a super close-knit church community to having no one at church that I felt comfortable sharing my life with.  So I know from first hand, that even in the House of God- you can feel utterly alone.

When one starts to spend so much time by themselves, they begin to believe that their presence means nothing to those around them.  Sometimes, I think to myself- if I moved to a different country and said goodbye to no one, would anyone care?  Would anyone miss my presence? Am I as invisible as I feel? Are my ideas, dreams, cares, desires, ambitions and goals necessary for the Earth in this time?  Am I necessary?  I believe that we find our worth in the Creator and to Him our presence is necessary for the Earth.  The Lord has need of us… I remember a passage of scripture (Luke 19:28-40)about a colt that was minding its own business when Jesus sent the disciples to get the colt for a special mission: Jesus’ triumphant entry into Jerusalem.  I bet that when the colt opened its eyes that day, it had no idea that Jesus was going to request its services but that’s exactly what happened.  When the disciples went to fetch the colt, they told the owner “The Master has need of it..” and the colt was given to the disciples for Jesus.  Yep, we are so much more advanced than a colt but aren’t we like the colt sometimes- bound and owned by fear and regret.  We are like the colt, stuck in the same place for years until one of Jesus’ disciples come to fetch us for the Master.  Today, I feel those same words of “I have need of it..” applicable to us.  Today, Jesus whispers to you and I “I have need of you!”  I need you.

So… regardless of if others notice our presence, Christ needs us.  Our presence in the building is noticeable to Him and He needs us in the entirety of who He created us to be.  He loves our smile, our laughter.  He sees our tears, and seeks to comfort our sorrow.  He likes the way we dance and jump with joy.  He desires that we are filled with love, complete love in Him. He needs our quirks and weirdness to change the world for good.  You and I are necessary!  We are necessary.  So… allow this truth to bring comfort to your heart and rest in the fact that God not only wants you but needs you to bring His beautiful Heaven to the Earth. I love you all and I hope that this message brings you hope and affirmation in God’s thoughts concerning you.

Until next time,

Simone

FIC: https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-F89lVfZoGr4/V17SXjPynII/AAAAAAAAB0M/NHu_OZn2zmoeasxpq0V1QoJFDN0BWSHvgCLcB/s1600/master33.jpg

Living In Purpose 

Maybe it’s the fact that death has a way of making us reflect on where we should be… or maybe it’s the fact that death makes us aware that time is not guaranteed. Either way, I believe that God use lost to wake us up to the conditions around us; to make us aware that we don’t have all the time in the world to play with our purpose.  We don’t have forever to live beneath our potential, nor do we have forever to take our time to get it right. These are the lessons I am learning as I mourn the lost of my “little brother”, 16 and gone.

Do you know the saddest part of this mourning process? It took my baby bro’s death to wake me up to the fact that I can’t keep slacking where it concerns this blog.  I cannot continue to short change my dream and expect amazing-ness  to happen. Living in mediocrity is no longer sufficient, and being complacent is no longer an option. Once upon a time, I used to think I had all the time in the world – now I know that is not true, I’m not guaranteed time and neither are you.

What a scary thought to have. The thought of maybe I am living below my purpose, maybe just maybe my life is not adding up, is the scariest of them all. I don’t know about you but when I examine my own life that is a tough pill to swallow. Yes, I’m going to law  school in the fall and yes, I graduated from undergrad with no kids but am I truly living out purpose every single day or am I just getting by? When you realize that death is no respect of persons, that death cares nothing about your life plan and that death is inevitable it changes your mindset and propel you to live in/on purpose. Live giving your  all and allow yourself to walk in your divine destiny.

You are here for such a time as this, purposed to touch the earth- find your purpose and live it out. Leave complacency and take advantage of the time you’ve been given. Pray for me guys and you’ll be hearing from me soon.

Until next time,

Simone

Mourning

My dream died yesterday...
he drew his last breath
and I cried....and I cried....and I cried
my dream, my child, my love -died.
so I tried to get myself together
as shock took over me
but as I laid my dreams to rest, a little bit of me
was buried with him and I too died
I died on the inside
in the hollows of my heart, I passed away
and I saw her, my optimistic self at rest
in the casket with hope and belief
as I performed my own eulogy
I too need peace.
As she and he passed into eternity
so did I
yesterday was the day a little piece of me died.
©Simone Holloway, 2015

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Alone

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

Have you ever been surrounded by a crowd of people yet felt so alone? Like you didn’t fit?  Have you ever been in the company of those you love and still felt alone?  What about a best friend, yet alone? Being alone is no joke and depressing and this is the feeling that encompasses me tonight.  I feel like I am so alone, like I am talking to the air when I speak to others.  I stopped talking, I literally stopped sharing my heart with others because it’s not like they can see me: really see.  It’s crazy how you can wake up sad and try to make things better and by 9 o’clock that evening, you’re once again sad- wanting joy more than anything.  I prayed, guys I prayed so hard….and it was as if my prayers hit the ceiling.  I keep telling myself, “Simone you’re gonna get through this!  You’re gonna make it” and while  I say these words I feel myself drowning in sadness. Bound to the unspoken sentiments in my heart, and when I try to share what’s inside – what I have to say is rarely regarded.  What’s the point of talking about how you’re feeling, if you can’t trust those you talk to?  It’s crazy- I’m surrounded by people who are filled by the Holy Spirit and can “hear” from God, but  I guess it’s only selective hearing.

Maybe no one can hear my heart crying out for something more.  Maybe no one can see my tears as they fall to the ground.  It’s like I’m in the world, merely existing and not truly living… I can’t continue to live this way.

It’s times like these that I’m reminded that I’m human, in need of more grace and mercy.  I need Jesus more than I’ve ever needed Him before.  I feel so broken, so raw and so unsteady. I bet if someone blew on me, I would just fall apart- I need Him family….

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

Featured Image Credit: http://love.catchsmile.com/wp-content/uploads/Alone-145.jpg

Regrets

Fall, 2014

I told you I loved you

…….

my ears heard nothing

my heart heard everything

…….

I vowed to not live a life

full of regrets

but there is one that seems

to plague my mind

……

every day

every moment

every second

i regret telling you those words

i regret trusting you with my life

i regret listening to every promise made

i regret falling in love with you

i regret the day we met

i regret giving you so much power over me

power to make me smile

power to make me happy

power to make me come alive

my biggest regret is…you

……

now my heart is torn

now my mind is dazed

life sucks

thanks a lot

…….

Fall, 2014

I told you I loved you

…….

my ears heard nothing

my heart heard everything

“(c) Simone Holloway, 2014”

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Dead Man Walking

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

Yesterday I posted one of the most depressing article known to man.  I felt dead on the inside, numb and just plain exhausted.   Have you ever been in a place emotionally where it seemed like to feel was the worst option ever?  Like it hurts to feel?  I was in that place, a dead man walking and just going through the motions because I had to- never really expressing the deep hurt that was in my heart.  I was so angry with God, angry that my life wasn’t turning out the way I imagined, angry that I kept experiencing hurt from those I have given love to  and angry that no one could see that I was dead- a dead man walking.  I was just plain angry; sitting in  a church that was telling me to hope and believe, that God understood how I was feeling, that everything was going to work out.  As I sat in the church, I became more angry…I became so infuriated that I refused to worship.  I refused to pray or praise or give thanks- I did not want to be connected to God.  I did not want to have anything to do with Him.  Like a professional, I slowly disconnected my spirit from Him- I was committing suicide, I wanted to die. 

It’s crazy how in our dark times, we realize what we are made of.  It’s in the moments of hopelessness that we understand the gift of hope, in sorrow we understand joy and in chaos we understand the importance of peace.  It’s not until we are dead in our spirits that we seek to live more than ever before.  I wanted to heal but was broken so bad, I didn’t think I could be whole.  I wanted to live but I thought I was too far gone for a resurrection.  I wanted to be happy but I made sadness apart of my daily routine, the coat that shielded me from the world,  I wanted nothing to do with God but He wanted everything to do with me…

Out of His love and compassion, He came by my side and poured His love on me.  He helped me to let go of all the hurt , He touched my heart and He loved me.   He made me come alive!

I realized yesterday that I don’t want to pretend in life.  I don’t want to say I’m okay when I’m not, I don’t want to smile when I’m crying on the inside.  I’m tired of battling things behind closed doors, the demons of loneliness and rejection that comes to kill me and muffle my voice. So yesterday, I didn’t wear the mask of the “have- it-all-together” church girl, I was honest and I became free,  True freedom comes through honesty. Keep your eyes open because they may be some around you who are dead men walking

Until next time,

Mo 🙂