Over the past 2 weeks, I’ve experienced an extreme dose of heaviness- the feeling of sadness that comes and goes as it pleases. This is unusual for me because I am the person that is usually jumping for joy. I am the prisoner of hope, the optimist, the dreamer, but for the past two weeks it seemed that all of my dreams died and that I could not shake myself of this feeling of defeat. This feeling infiltrated my relationship with God.
If I could describe my relationship with God, I would describe my relationship to be one of two passionate lovers, consumed and captured by each others presence. God captures and consumes me. It’s a feeling of complete satisfaction and security, but as the weeks went on I felt my security in Him unraveling. I was no longer satisfied and I had no idea why. It’s crazy when you think about how many times, we think about giving up. I was contemplating giving up on my relationship with God, giving up on the idea of “us.” My heart began to harden and I did not want anyone speaking into my life, praying for me, I did not want to talk about my feelings to no one. I longed to hear from Him, to feel His presence again because in that moment we were separated. We were two lovers, married and committed but weathered by the cares of life.
At this point in time, God and I, have been through some really hard times. You would think that in this moment, He would have given
up on me. he would have said , there is no longer an “us”, but no instead He began to draw me to Himself. He constantly reminded me of His love for me. He was faithful. I’ve never experienced this type of faithfulness before. In the midst of my leaving, He still chased after me – wanting to love me so completely. He was faithful. Looking back on that moment, I am so grateful that He did not stop loving me, that he did not give up on me- in spite of me. I am so grateful that He was faithful. The same way he was faithful with me, he can be faithful to you. If you allow Him to, He wants to love you -in spite of you and become something amazing in your life. He desires to love you faithfully.