The Letter

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers- 

My thoughts are hot of the presses and I’m excited to share with you the raw, the real and the now.  Today was all about cleaning.  I recently moved home to prep for my next, but for the last three weeks or so, I’ve been sleeping with boxes all around me.  Clothes are strewn all over the floor as my anxiety is increasingly heightened by not being able to find what I want to wear.  Tucked in a corner is a plastic bag full of paper: scriptures, prophecies, business cards, song lyrics, and other pages are all gathered in a messy heap ready to be sorted by yours truly.

As I reached my hand into the bag, I pulled out a letter I wrote to God about five years ago.  This letter was one of gratitude, thanking Him for always being with me and for showing me the road ahead.  At the end of the letter, I began to thank God for my ex, the possibility of our children (what we discussed together) and the businesses we would run as we took over the world for good.  I was thanking God for the life I thought He commissioned for me, the life I thought I would live.  Fast forward five years, and I do not have that life.  I am not with that person anymore, I do not have any children and those businesses do not exist.  My life now doesn’t match the hope for my life in that letter.  It’s crazy how things change.  Who knew that 11 mos ago, I would enter into a season of singleness, would forsake all desire for children and would find myself trying to figure out what I was going to do. Once upon a time, I was so sure, now I’m peering into the future like “God is this really for me?  “Can we actually do this?”  Can we actually dream again about this buried desire: the desire to be both wife and mother. Can we return here?  In gentleness, He whispers “Yes.  Yes, we can.”  “We can revisit this place in your heart, my love,  do not be afraid.”

“But How?”  my hearts screams out.  “How can we return to a place I never got to.  I almost got there, I thought I was there but I failed… I never got there.”  In love, He grabs my hand and whispers, “Your only failure would have been to marry someone who was never designed to love you.  To procreate with someone who did not have the capacity to be a father and to enter into a business partnership with someone with no integrity.  Babygirl, you did not fail.  You succeeded!  For you chose your future over your present and you chose what was hard over what was easy.  You said Yes even though the cost was your heart. You, my dear, can return to this place…”

Today, I look at the letter as an obituary of the life I thought I would live.  I mourn the union someone promised, the blueprints for businesses I envisioned and the picture-perfect family described.  I mourn what I thought I needed to be complete, to be whole.  I mourn what I thought I wanted to secure happiness.  I have found that my “Yes” to God has always been the answer.  I’ve found that my ability to walk away from what I prayed for is what makes me brave, my ability to be grateful in the new, in the unknown is what gives me strength and my sweet surrender is what makes me His, and His alone.  I cry as I reflect on the past but I am so hopeful for the future, because anything we give up for Christ including our dreams, He returns it 100 fold in this lifetime and the life to come.  I don’t know why I am sharing my process with you.  I wish I had some neat and tidy ending that describe this perfect healing process but I don’t.  All I have is the truth, and the truth is God is good even when our hearts are broken.  God is good even when plans change.  God is good even when we don’t understand our way.  In every season, in every moment, He is good and that in itself is worthy of a simple ‘Thank you!” 

He’s good, He’s God and because I’m His, I am going to be okay.

Xoxo,

Simone

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In Rememberance

I thought I was going to post something traditional,

something with the same previous opening- something super inspirational.

But it is I, that is inspired as I reflect on the significance of this day.

In frustration and with deliberate disobedience I left my room to “play”,

to gamble with my life.

Three years ago, I drove to my friend’s house going through a stop sign- not looking twice.

I was hit dead-on and my car spun out of control,

that moment reflected how I felt about my life- I thought I lost my soul.

I opened my eyes and saw smoke and sunshine,

a calming piece became my lifeline.

Only problem, it was raining that day.

The skies were foggy and gray.

So I knew I was between earth and heaven-

I wasn’t ready for an eternal transition.

Because based upon my sins, I knew I would make my bed in hell.

Yet, on earth I felt like I was in jail.

Trapped, stuck and simply contained-

no one knew, I never complained.

Went to church regularly,

wore a fake smile faithfully-

yet wanted to desperately,

to be free.

Figured, no one truly cared about my end,

and if this car wreck was the just the beginning,

to an eternal damnation – well so be it.

God’s plans with my  twisted thoughts did not fit.

Once again, I opened my eyes and realized I was still here-

still among the living to my heart who are dear.

I became overwhelmed with gratitude since life was not deserved to me.

That day, three years ago, I swore to strive to live free.

The rest is history.

©Simone Holloway, 2016

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Lack of Time

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

How are you guys doing?  It’s been crazy here at law school! Absolutely insane.  I feel like I do not have enough hours in my day.  I just finished a 12 hour work/school day and there is still so much to do. The older I get, the more I understand the fleeting characteristics of time.  I read somewhere (shows you how much time I have to read) that in certain places, individuals get to experience a 25-hr day.  #blessed.  I wish I could have an extra 60  minutes in my day.

What would I do with an extra 60 minutes?

 

Well… I would love more, travel more, finish more case readings and briefs, I just might find some time for a show on Netflix.  Man, oh man- I would just relax and chill more.  I did not realize how life consuming my days would become.  I thought I mentally prepared for this moment, I did not.

Do you guys know what I want?

I want a free day that involves having to do nothing, or possibly a zoo day.  Ooh that would be fun! A day at the zoo just relaxing with animals all around. I’ll have to schedule that adventure in…

Anyways… I barely have time to maintain this blog and I love blogging.  I love it so much and as I sit and write to you all this evening, this moment becomes even more special.  It is a special day when I can scrape up enough time to blog.  It is a special day when I can send a quick text saying I love you to my sis.  It is a special day when I can think about going out on a date ( I said think…lol). My time is so precious and it is a commodity of myself that I cannot afford to waste.

With gratitude, I type these strokes on my keyboard and thank God for a moment to breathe.  Take a moment, I promise it will make you feel better!

Until next time,

Simone

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not enough words…

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

There are not enough words to describe the last 24 hours experienced. Today has been an absolutely amazing day  and I’m left in this awkward, awe-inspiring, speechless phase where I’m so amazed at God to the point -I can’t even speak.  I’m at the point where I can’t even write because my heart is so full and my eyes are brimming with tears, marveling at the wonder of God and His goodness towards me. I have so much to share, so bear with me and we will dig through these precious life changing moments together. 

Until next time, 

Mo 🙂

Remembering Who God Is…

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

We all need a day of remembrance, a day when we remember the goodness of the Lord.  August 21, 2015 is my day of remembrance, it all started at midnight when I brought the @tashacobbs album #oneplacelive.  If you don’t have this album, you need to get it ASAP, this album will bless your life!  So I started my praise party at midnight and then started again at 3 am during 3 am prayer.  There is something about a prayer of gratitude and thanksgiving towards the Father.  I was sitting in prayer and I could feel the presence of the Lord, wrapping Himself around me as I sung/prayed articles of praise, thanksgiving and gratitude.  Praise helps us remember who God is…. Praise says God is good, He is magnificent, beautiful, trustworthy and consistent.  Praise amplifies these things and when we remember who God is, everything in our lives that is going wrong seems powerless next to the acknowledged power of God.

God is gracious…His graces goes beyond our comprehension and His mercy should be emulated here on the earth.  He is just and honors justice.  He is loving and wants us to love in the same manner that  He loves.  He is a man of War, and He longs to defend and protect us.  He is good….

Come on, wherever you are: Remember who God is.  When you remember who He is; there is no room for fear, doubt, unbelief, worry and anxiety.  When you remember who He is, loneliness and rejection cannot dwell in your heart. He is greater than depression, greater than sickness, greater than these limitations placed upon us in this world. He is bigger and greater and more than we can ever imagine.  Remember Him…

Remember who He is… to the point that your situations look small again,  Remember who He is…to the point that when others walk away and leave you, you still have peace.  Remember who He is…to the point where you can praise in the face of adversity.  Remember who He is….

“I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.” Psalm 77:11 NIV

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

Featured Image Credit: http://www.unlikelychristian.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/Remember-who-God-is.jpg

Vacations, Birthdays and Gratitude

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

God is good!  That is my simple declaration for the day regardless of what it looks like, regardless of what it feels like- God is good.  I just got home from Orlando and it was wonderful!  I love vacations, birthdays, anniversaries; really any need for celebrations.  I love to celebrate.  I think that life has a way of sucking the life out of us, it has a way of taking our joy and stealing our peace.  Life has this dark, depressing way of ruining our dreams and reminding us of all of our failures.  This is why I love celebrations, because it’s God’s way of causing us to reflect on life with complete gratitude.  Yes, life may not be the best- but we are alive and therefore, God is good.  Yes, the struggle is real- but regardless, God is good.  Celebrations have a way of filling our hearts with gratitude.

My family and I vacationed in Orlando for my mother’s birthday. It was nice seeing my mom relax for a change.  Sometimes, ministry stresses us out and we need a little more grace to make it from day to day- just a little bit more.  I think my mom needed a little bit more grace and just a few days to get away from all of the responsibility that has been placed on her shoulders- so we went on vacation.  My mom was so carefree; I watched as she laughed more, smiled more, and just had an awesome time. Her happiness made me happy and I began to reflect on the goodness of God towards His people.

I think God has a way of slowing down time; a simple way for us to see the world around us.  He has a way of showing us that glimmer of light in the midst of darkness.  He shows us the light so that we may have hope, hope that everything though it may appear dark and dim will be alright.  He is light.  He is hope.  He is good.

So today, Happy Monday and please reflect on the goodness of God.  I know life is tough.  I know life can take you for a whirl.  I know life has this tendency to try your faith, but have hope in God.  Look for the light in the midst of the darkness and understand that there is always hope because He is good.  Today, be filled with gratitude and love for our Creator!

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

Featured Image Credit: http://rootwholebody.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/fall-gratitude.jpg

Yahweh Jireh: The God Who Is Consistently Providing

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers

Good Afternoon!  Thought I would take a spare moment to reflect on the goodness of the Lord.  Every now and again, something will happen in my life that would exemplify God’s love towards me.  Whether it is something big or small, these gestures of love- make me reflect on who God is and His amazing works.

Ever so often, we need a moment of gratitude.  A period in the day when we are reminded of the goodness of Yahweh.  I don’t know about you but I have needs, so many needs.  My needs need needs…. (sorry if that gets confusing).  I am consistently bombarded with things that I need to do or need to have in order to progress in my livelihood.  I am reminded of the Apostle Paul who spoke, “whether I have a lot or whether I have little- I have learned to be content.”  I too, have learned to be content; but as things get tight in my life, I sense light frustration on the horizon.

One of my favorite passages of scripture is when Abraham was commanded by the LORD to offer his only son, Isaac as a sacrifice.  Abraham loved Isaac and God promised that through Isaac, Abraham would become the father of many nations.  So why would God ask Abraham of the one thing that he  needed to make this promise true?  Why would God ask Abraham to kill his promise?  I pondered these questions, as I began to see what was promised to me seem to disappear before my eyes.  Why would God give me something and then ask me to sacrifice it?  Hmm… Why?

Abraham in obedience, prepared to offer his son (promise) as a sacrifice to the Lord- and before he completed the action, an angel pointed him to a ram in the bush to substitute his child’s place on the altar.  Abraham named that place, Jehovah Jireh- The God who provides.  I believe that even now, out of obedience as I place my dreams and ambitions on the altar (my promises), Yahweh Jireh shows up and he provides what I need instead.

He is consistently providing.  From rides to work, to meals to eat the next day, to the money I need for my bills.  He is consistently providing.  In the nick of time, He releases what we need and when we think all hope is lost, He reminds us of  His power and mercy.

He shall supply all of my needs, according to His riches and glory in Christ Jesus.  He is the Lord my shepherd, I shall not lack.  He is my all and all.  He is my best friend- He is always looking out for me.  I’ve witnessed his provision- and today, you can too!

Just trust and believe.

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

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Still Small Voice

I hear you in the depths of my heart

small but strong

still but powerful

truth infused in love

I hear you in the cavities of my mind

gentle yet assertive

lyrical yet blunt

emotions wrapped in passion

the truth becomes vinegar

hard to swallow

yet, I take a huge gulp

realizing that as I hear your words

my life begins to change

you have changed me

like a still, small voice

you lead me home

I once was lost

but I heard your voice

I once was blind

but you became my light

finally, I’m found

finally, I see

I’m free

Thank you for being

my still, small voice

“(c) Simone Holloway, 2014”

Today’s poetry was written from another’s point of view.  We all have people in our lives that have acted as the voice of God when we were in trouble, they were patient and kind enough to journey with us through the hard times.  These great individuals are our still small voices. but when you are dating your still small voice this connection becomes deeper and the love that you share is immensely rewarding.  My dad married his still small voice, my mother, and they have been together for almost 23 years.  Once you find that person that emulates God in your life, hold on to them- because you’ll come to thank them one day.   ❤ Mo

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I’m Thankful….

Hello Authentic Lovers!

As I celebrate Thanksgiving, I could not go on in this day without sharing my heart with each of you.  I am so thankful for God and His everlasting love towards me.  God is my best friend, besides E of course, and He has been with me since the very beginning.  I hope that each of you experiences this type of relationship that I have with Him: sweet, consistent and just lovely.  I am thankful for my loving family.  I have the most amazing parents and a great sister.  We have been through some hard times; homelessness, heartache, lies have been told on us, but nevertheless my family has been strong and proved to bounce back from opposition.  I am thankful for my spunky, over the top, super energetic sister Sierra. She always manages to put a smile on my face.  She has grown to be a lovey young lady and I am so proud of her.  I am thankful for my church family whose prayers have gotten me through some hard times.  This year I am really thankful…

Finally I am thankful for those I have loved and lost; for those I have given my heart to, for those that broke it; for those I made mistakes with and for those that made mistakes with me; all-in-all I am thankful for all of the life lessons I have learned.  I learned to be strong, to be courageous, to never give up.  Lastly, I have learned to love freely and to freely accept love.

I am thankful for each of you, for those who have been reading my work from the beginning.  Thanks for the encouragement!  Thanks for the love!  Your support means everything to me and you make writing such a joy.  Thanks for bringing joy to my life.  I love each and everyone of you and I wish only the best for you!

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

P.S. Eat lots of turkey for me…Happy Thanksgiving!

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