The Letter

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers- 

My thoughts are hot of the presses and I’m excited to share with you the raw, the real and the now.  Today was all about cleaning.  I recently moved home to prep for my next, but for the last three weeks or so, I’ve been sleeping with boxes all around me.  Clothes are strewn all over the floor as my anxiety is increasingly heightened by not being able to find what I want to wear.  Tucked in a corner is a plastic bag full of paper: scriptures, prophecies, business cards, song lyrics, and other pages are all gathered in a messy heap ready to be sorted by yours truly.

As I reached my hand into the bag, I pulled out a letter I wrote to God about five years ago.  This letter was one of gratitude, thanking Him for always being with me and for showing me the road ahead.  At the end of the letter, I began to thank God for my ex, the possibility of our children (what we discussed together) and the businesses we would run as we took over the world for good.  I was thanking God for the life I thought He commissioned for me, the life I thought I would live.  Fast forward five years, and I do not have that life.  I am not with that person anymore, I do not have any children and those businesses do not exist.  My life now doesn’t match the hope for my life in that letter.  It’s crazy how things change.  Who knew that 11 mos ago, I would enter into a season of singleness, would forsake all desire for children and would find myself trying to figure out what I was going to do. Once upon a time, I was so sure, now I’m peering into the future like “God is this really for me?  “Can we actually do this?”  Can we actually dream again about this buried desire: the desire to be both wife and mother. Can we return here?  In gentleness, He whispers “Yes.  Yes, we can.”  “We can revisit this place in your heart, my love,  do not be afraid.”

“But How?”  my hearts screams out.  “How can we return to a place I never got to.  I almost got there, I thought I was there but I failed… I never got there.”  In love, He grabs my hand and whispers, “Your only failure would have been to marry someone who was never designed to love you.  To procreate with someone who did not have the capacity to be a father and to enter into a business partnership with someone with no integrity.  Babygirl, you did not fail.  You succeeded!  For you chose your future over your present and you chose what was hard over what was easy.  You said Yes even though the cost was your heart. You, my dear, can return to this place…”

Today, I look at the letter as an obituary of the life I thought I would live.  I mourn the union someone promised, the blueprints for businesses I envisioned and the picture-perfect family described.  I mourn what I thought I needed to be complete, to be whole.  I mourn what I thought I wanted to secure happiness.  I have found that my “Yes” to God has always been the answer.  I’ve found that my ability to walk away from what I prayed for is what makes me brave, my ability to be grateful in the new, in the unknown is what gives me strength and my sweet surrender is what makes me His, and His alone.  I cry as I reflect on the past but I am so hopeful for the future, because anything we give up for Christ including our dreams, He returns it 100 fold in this lifetime and the life to come.  I don’t know why I am sharing my process with you.  I wish I had some neat and tidy ending that describe this perfect healing process but I don’t.  All I have is the truth, and the truth is God is good even when our hearts are broken.  God is good even when plans change.  God is good even when we don’t understand our way.  In every season, in every moment, He is good and that in itself is worthy of a simple ‘Thank you!” 

He’s good, He’s God and because I’m His, I am going to be okay.

Xoxo,

Simone

FIC: http://kaizenjournaling.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/large_3584131250.jpg

Holiday Anxiety

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers- 

Happy pre-holiday season, with Thanksgiving approaching in the next few days, some of you may be feeling the what I describe as “holiday anxiety.”  It’s this dreading feeling that comes when you know you have to be surrounded by family and answer a bunch of aggravating questions.  As a newly single walking embodiment of awesomeness, I hate all of the aggravating questions that come with being seated at the family dinner table.  I don’t know about you all, but I feel like we live in a world where we are always asked to supply answers to questions that we simply don’t have the answer to.  For example, “How long will you be single?”; “When are you going to have some kids?”; “Girl, why you ain’t got a boyfriend?; “Girl, when are you getting married?”  In my heart I want to scream, “I DON’T KNOW, DO I LOOK LIKE GOD?”  but on the outside, I smile gracefully and say, “I don’t know.  I’ll let you know when I find out.”  I’m not going to let them know… I’m going to make all my announcements after the fact on social media.  My family will find out about my life choices when the world finds out. Trifling?  Yeah, I know.

Ladies and Gents, If you’re like me, I feel your pain and I understand your holiday anxiety.  But more so, I sense the temptation to return to my past due to my own loneliness.  It’s like Lord, you separated me from what I was in before but because of my own desires to be held and to be in a relationship, I feel tempted to return back to that which you’ve set me free from.  I believe that many of you are facing the same temptation, the temptation to return back to your past. This overwhelming temptation to settle for what you’ve been freed from out of convenience and loneliness.  This, I believe is the reason many of us have found ourselves at a crossroads:  Do we return to what the Lord asked us to leave?  Or, do we wait for what He promised?  I had a choice, return back to my ex so I can finally have an “answer” pleasing to men or to wait for what the Lord promised which is better!

Anyways, I can’t tell you all how to live your life.  All I’ll say is do not forfeit your future for the temporary conveniences of today.  So, here I go approaching this awkward time with boldness and depth reminding myself of the truth: I’m happy, I’m content,  and I’m waiting and that my dears will have to be enough.

Xoxo,

Simone 

FIC: http://www.b2beck.com/images/holiday_anxiety.jpg

Once Again

It's silent around me. 

I can't hear a peep-

for my brain no longer recognizes the sound of a broken heart. 

It's crazy how time has not healed anything, 

I'm still standing in 2011 longing - 

for what seems to be the impossible. 

I hold my breath and look over the edge, 

and I begin to count my fears. . . 

For I am afraid. 

Yes! I am utterly afraid- 

that 7 years worth of prayers will greet me at my front door, 

seeking perfection. 

I'm not perfect but I find myself concerned with a standard, 

that never measures up.  

An unspoken question: am I good enough? 

What if he is greatly disappointed?

But, what if he's extremely pleased?

But, how would I ever know if I never jump?

I stand on love's cliff and the wind beckons me to the sky. 

Either I will sink or swim- but first I must fly! 

Lo, it's time to take a chance- once again.

3. . . 2. . . 1

©Simone Holloway, 2017

 

FIC:  http://www.nstperfume.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/crater-lake.jpg

 

Sin Paranoia

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers – 

Have you ever noticed that sin causes us to be paranoid?  Paranoid that people are going to find out that we failed, that we engaged in something we probably should not have engaged in.  There is a level of a paranoia that comes when we engage in sin/sinful behavior. I do not pretend to have everything together, neither do I pretend to have arrived in my Christian walk- there are all kinds of things I have walked through and have engaged in.  I am so ashamed when I look back on the details of my past but that is why we call it a past, meaning that it has no relevance to where we are right now. I think this is where we get stuck, we get stuck dealing with the details of the old; we allow our past to define us when we are no longer in that place.  Anyways.. when we are doing wrong, I sense a level of paranoia.  That is when I just begin to air all of my dirty laundry and do some confession.  I confess before God and man because confession is so good for the soul and it sets us free.

We can not run from who we are for too long.  After awhile, we are going to have to face who we are and what we are choosing to bring into our lives.  I face things all the time, lately it has been temptations of sinful behavior, pressure to be successful and dealing with individuals I really do not care for.  On top of that warfare, I  am in a new environment living in a new city so the stress and anxiety wrapped in that one fact has tried to consume me heavily.  My archenemy depression has paid me a visit and so this week has been one for the books.  I lost a piece of myself in the shuffle and returned to behaviors I swore I would never go back to out of fear.  I am human and I mess up and I fall but the great thing about Jesus is that He has given me grace.  Grace that goes beyond my own performance and my own intentions – His grace picks me up when I fall and tells me that Simone, I want you- all of you, just the way you are in all of your “jacked-up”ness (not a real word).  I love that God loves me completely, knowing that I would mess up- knowing that I would disappoint Him, that I would not meet his standards sometimes- yet, He still loves me.   That is the beauty of grace! Should grace be taken for granted, absolutely not!  It should be recognized for what it is, a second opportunity for repentance.

So let me encourage someone this evening,  I know you made mistakes – we all have.  Trust me, even that one you deem to be the best saint has made some type of mistake, but take heart- God give forgiveness and compassion to those who confess and make it right with him. The  beauty of this forgiveness is that your sins are thrown into the sea of forgetfulness and you do not have to be bound to them anymore.  You need to forgive yourself.  Trust me, I know it is hard.  Sometimes, I look over my life and all of the mistakes I have made and I know that I have been forgiven but I still hold my mistakes against myself.  I do.  I say, “okay Simone you failed before so work really hard so that you do not fail again.” This is totally opposite of the gospel, which says I need Jesus to walk upright.  I cannot walk upright in myself because this flesh is awful and wants nothing to do with God, I have to rely on God in order to become a better person.  He makes me better.  That is the problem, we have been taught for so long that we have to get ourselves together, but the truth is we do not have the power or strength to perfect ourselves and that is why we need God- He perfects us!  Forgive yourself and move forward.

I go to Forward City Church and our call is, “The past is gone.  The future  awaits. Move forward. ” And I repeat this mantra over you all, “The past is gone.  The future awaits. Move  forward.” Let it go and live.  God is ready, willing and longing to love with forgiveness drenched in mercy and grace.  He already released your mistakes/past, now will you?

Until next time,

Simone

FIC: http://www.masternewmedia.org/images/little-sisters-sharing-secret-by-Viewimages-dot-com-72482743-415.jpg

 

 

Ghosts

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

I was listening to Andy Mineo’s song “Ghost” and I got to thinking….how many of us entertain ghosts? Ghostly people, ghostly heartbreaks, ghostly regrets, ghosts that haunt us when we are feeling low in our spirits about what we are experiencing with life. It’s as almost as if everyday is Halloween- a day of reflection for what is dead, for what is lost…

I’m reminded of the tragedy Hamlet, and how William Shakespeare wrote of Hamlet being visited by the apparition of his late father…haunting…calling…And like Hamlet, some of us are constantly visited by the apparitions of what if and what could of been and why not… These apparitions come to haunt us and to cause us to feel poorly about where we are and who surrounds us. Ghosts.

Last time I checked Ghosts were also classified as Spirits and last time I checked, they can be bound and sent to the pit of hell. We need to start binding the things that haunt us … we forfeit our authority as a result of pain. We were not created to be haunted, to be tormented, to constantly live life in regret. We were created to have dominion, to be loved and treasured, we we were created to win. So tonight let’s decide together to forever banish our ghosts, to make them vanish into thin air, to not allow them to have so much power over us. Tonight we lay our ghosts to rest and we command the haunting of our hearts to die. We release ourselves from our self torment tonight.

We say goodbye forever to our ghosts.

Until next time,
Mo 😀

Simone Holloway, 2015

 

I Desire To Forget

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers –

Today’s devotional was about forgiveness and I thought I would share my deepest desire with you.  I desire to forgive in such a magnitude that I don’t remember the sins of those that wronged me. Many say forgive but never forget, however I don’t want to remember.  I don’t want to have a memory that attaches someone/some place from my past to a particular feeling.  I want to be able to see that person and harbor no resentment/bitterness in my heart toward them.  I want to be able to see that person and not worry about them hurting me again, because I now lack the knowledge of them hurting me before. I want to be able to step into a building and not react with feelings of insecurity because of the sins that were committed in that place.  I believe that operating in true forgiveness allows me to do just that, without this guilt of “I’m being dumb or naïve.”  I strive to walk in a forgiveness that forgets the wrongs of those that sinned against me.

1 Corinthians 13: 5 says that “Love remembers no wrongs…” it does not harbor past transgressions against no one.  Love does not remember past sins and faults.  This love and forgiveness is demonstrated to us through love of Jesus Christ.  He died for us, loving us in spite of our mistakes and faults and loving us into a personal transformation.  He forgave our faults and He does not harbor them against us any longer. His love is real and His forgiveness is sure.  I being His servant/ambassador/friend, walk even as He has walked and choose to not remember the sins of those that done things to me in the past.  I choose not to remember, no to hold someone to a memory of who they once was….

***NEWSFLASH*** People change!  That’s right, you heard it here first folks!  People change.  Some change for the better, others change for the worse- but all in all change is evident and consistently in effect.  Change is inevitable. So if I hold my brother or sister to a fault that occurred in their past self, against them in the present time- where change may have occurred- I am not being fair.  I am not being just.  Because God is just, He does not hold our past sins to us but acknowledge the possibility of change.

Should we do the same? Are we being truly just? Or are we living life constantly being unfair?

Today, I encourage you to forgive.  I encourage you to let things go and to choose to not remember.

Why harbor bad memories?  Why hold sadness in your heart? To learn a lesson?  The lesson has been learned and applied, so isn’t it time to find happiness again?  Isn’t it time for reconciliation? Isn’t it time to be free to have happy memories again?  Isn’t it time to forget completely?  Isn’t it?

The choice is yours on how you live your life.  Whether you are happy or living in sadness- the choice is yours.  I choose to be happy.  I choose to love like Christ loves.  I choose to completely forgive.  I choose to forget!

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

Featured Image Credit: http://thevillagechurch.net/mediafiles/uploaded/b/0e2360063_1375834511_blog-forgiving-despite-forgetting.jpg

Faster Than A Speeding Bullet

Some might say I exaggerate,
That I am prone to stretch the truth;
But this person I’m going to talk about,
I promise I met him in my youth.
He was a middle- aged man,
With the most unique pieces of attire.
Love and compassion were his garments,
Truth surrounded him like fire.
When he walked by my side,
He glowed like a bright light.
His words moved mountains,
He had authority and might.
This is how I came to know him,
It was a dark and dreary day.
I was so lonely,
My heart had nothing to say.
So I decided to end it all.
To make my life disappear.
I needed a way out,
I needed to escape my fear.
So… I let my mind wander,
I let myself hope to die.
That’s when he came into my room,
Took my heart before I could say goodbye.
He sat in front of me,
Like a father sits in front of a child.
He cradled me and caressed my soul,
While binding the demons in me that were unruly and wild.
I sat there in shock,
As his love surrounded me
This man was my hero,
He had set me free
Now I was free
My hero didn’t own a cape,
He didn’t have a secret identity.
My hero was the Son of God,
Born in obscurity.
His superpower was love,
Deeply rooted in truth.
Now that I’ve tasted of his goodness,
I desire his presence like a sweet tooth.
Faster than a speeding bullet,
Brilliant like a flash of light.
My hero is Jesus Christ,
He is filled with grace and might.
©Simone Holloway, 2015
Featured Image Credit: http://cdn2.content.compendiumblog.com/uploads/user/20a59527-c8c5-492a-b888-7d8411053591/629f8892-1135-4047-be37-1b4bf561c952/Image/3a372f4849b5061fecbbf0b505f113b0/speeding_bullet.jpg

Go Your Way And Sin No More

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

Being that today is Freedom Friday, I thought I would address the dangers of entertaining the enemy after your deliverance.  I have been guilty of this, so I can discuss this- but even today I made up my mind that I was no longer going to entertain the demons that held me bound prior to deliverance.  The fact of the matter is: Christ sets us free.  He does, in fact John 8:36 states “Who the Son has set free is free indeed” meaning that once He has set you free, you are without a doubt free.  I think the problem arises when we allow the old things that kept us bound to dictate to us concerning our freedom, and therefore we fall back into the bondage we fought so hard to get out of.  I’m reminded of Jesus in John 5, how he healed the man that was sick for 38 years (he was crippled/paralyzed).  Jesus told the man to take up his bed and to walk.  He then found the man later and said  “You art made whole. Go your way and sin no more, lest something worse come upon you.”  This phrase “Go your way and sin no more” stood out to me because it showed me that the individual( man by the pool of Bethesda) was in the situation that he was in- ultimately because of sin.

 Sin crippled him, Sin paralyzed him, and Sin had this man stuck in a painful place in life for 38 years.

Christ knowing this…approaches and heals this man of his infirmity, but then comes back forgives the sin and warns of the aftermath if the man returns back to that lifestyle.

I think that by Christ coming back and giving that warning, He was so wise.  Think about it.  If my friend was an alcoholic ( had real trouble with alcohol), I would not take him/her to a bar.  Even though they may be strong enough to be in that environment, it would still be foolish of me to have what kept them bound in their vicinity.  Here’s another example, say this man kidnapped me and hid me in his warehouse for a number of years.  He fed me and gave me water but he tortured me and destroyed my self-esteem.  The FBI gets word of my disappearance; they come, find and rescue me from the captivity of this man.  I’m a free agent once again and I began to live life on my own.  But what if, I return back to the one that put me into captivity.  I showed up at the warehouse and I submit to my kidnapper once more, all of you would say that I made a stupid decision.  I would get calls like “HOW COULD YOU?” and “WHY????” and “THE FBI SHOULDN’T HELP YOU THIS TIME.” Some might even call saying “WE HAVE WASTED OUR TIME AND RESOURCES ON YOU.”  That’s just the honest-truth.  The sad part is, we are like the character I portrayed to you tonight. Sin has kidnapped our free will, has bound and tormented us.  So Christ being the awesome person He is, He comes like the FBI- He finds, rescue and sets us free.  The kicker is: WE RETURN BACK TO OUR SIN!!!!.  Does God the Son complain?  No.  Does He view us as a waste of time and resources? No. In fact, He rescues us again and again.  But why live in bondage, when you can be free?  Why live in this victim mentality, when you can be victorious? WHY???

So this evening, I whisper to you the same words that Jesus whispered to me : “You are made whole- Your sins are forgiven. Go your way and sin no more, lest something worse come upon you.”

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

P.S. For more passages of scripture regarding this subj, Check out : John 8: 1-11; Hebrews 12:1-2, Romans 12: 1-2, Galatians 5:1, and etc.  There are many more about staying in the liberty of Christ.  If you have any questions: feel free to email me @ authenticlove789@gmail.com, you can tweet or DM me @framesofdust8 or you can message me on our Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/authenticlove789.  I ❤ you guys so much; stay encouraged!

Featured Image Credit: http://thecovenantdiet.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/your-sins-have-been-forgiven-go-and-sin-no-more.jpeg

Curious

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

Happy Wednesday!   I thought I would share one of my favorite songs with you.  It describes how I am feeling at this very moment.  So sit back and enjoy!

❤ Mo

“Curious”

[Intro]
Look I don’t care who you are, you could relate to this one.
There’s some people in your life for a short season of time and
It’s almost better that you bury the memories of them because you’ve already moved on
And holding on to it just don’t make no sense.
Sometimes we go and dig it up like “Just curious”

[Verse 1]
Is it corny if I admit
That I check up on you from time to time when I’m on the net
I promise I ain’t no stalker it’s so awkward
When I actually come across you I act like I ain’t bothered a bit
And you know what that is and I know too
That’s pride mixed with lies mixed with “I want you”s
Kinda maybe sorta or the order could be off
Often I wonder if I regret what I lost
At a later time could my state of mind make me blind
I pray it isn’t if it was I wouldn’t admit it
I thought that I was heading in the right direction
But maybe loneliness has got me second guessing
I got some fly women they follow me on Twitter
I think I’ll DM’em alright I’m trippin’
But I’m hard wired for intimacy
So why does my loneliness lead to compromise?
Oh contentment, come quick!

[Chorus]
I’m still curious
Sometimes I’m still
I’m still (curious)
I’m still (curious)
I’m still curious (I think about you)
I’m still (curious)
I’m still (curious)

[Verse 2]
Is it weird it’s been a few years
We celebrated the ball droppin’ together (cheers)
The stuff you used to wear different products in your hair
When I smell’em in the air I feel like you’re somewhere near
Is it me? Is it you? Was it lie? Was it truth?
Maybe it’s just nobody’s ever good enough for you
OK I swear I’m going through asked my homie what to do
He said, “Boy, listen here ’cause I’m finna tell the truth.”
Everybody think about they ex’s
Even if you got kids, married to your best friend
In them memories are easily made but hard to forget
Cause they etched up in your heart the good times and regrets
It’s curiosity get you in trouble
Specially if it’s forbidden kind that you run to
Ah man yeah you’re more sensitive then you’ll ever admit
So be careful who you make memories with
The secret is to learn what it means to be content
And celebrate what God’s given not the things He didn’t
Our heart is always longing for more and it wanna bug out
That’s why we gotta drink from that water that never run out
But sometimes

[Chorus]
I’m still curious
Sometimes I’m still
I’m still (curious)
I’m still (curious)
I’m still curious (I think about you)
I’m still (curious)
I’m still (curious)

[Hook]
It takes a moment to make memories
A life time to to forget ’em (curious)
That’s why I’m still curious
[3x]

Thanks AZ LYRICS for the lyrics :http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/andymineo/curious.html
Featured Image Credit: http://www.esquire.com/cm/esquire/images/2h/esq-curious-child-N0Qv8a-lg.jpg

I Love You

This title is my confession
but based on my profession
it is customary for me to say it again
Now and then
and forever
I speak these words as an anchor
for your heart
as beautiful as a work of art
I grace these three words to you
their impact great, though their letters few
So here I go..knowing this is what my heart wants to do
Darling, I. love. you.
I loved you before you believed
In an us, in a we
I loved you before you loved yourself
When you placed our love on a shelf
I loved you when you was lost in the world
Even then I wanted to be your girl
And all in all my love remained true
I love you despite all we've been through
I love you now
I love you not knowing how
my love will affect those around me
but whatever will be, will be
You see?
Darling, I can't live my life based on others opinions
on what they determine are my sins
I can't decide who to love based on a consensus
because then there would be no us
Maybe I'm biased
but with you I am my boldest
And I can't allow other's brief distrust
to ruin the greatest
love I have ever known
seeds of beautiful change have been sown
And as if that isn't enough
I might just
up the ante on this bet I have on us two
and say for the rest of eternity, I will love you
Yes I will
When all the earth stands still
And the wonder of the seas begins to cease
and the world ponders if there is still peace
I will still love you
in fact my love grew
over the years
as situations bottled our tears
and we had to make an alliance
as tough times came to rob the essence
of our love
like a dove
who waited to be released from it's hiding place
so that it could face
what was to come
we too waited from
the sidelines so that we could
understanding that we should
love each other with everything
regardless of who was asking
I will love you when your spirit decides to go away
knowing that you can no longer stay
in the earth with me
as you pass into eternity
I will still love you
There's nothing else that I'll rather do
Then, now and forever
my love will be your anchor
it will be sturdy and well-fixed
well-mixed
with patience and honesty
designed for you and me
I did, I do, and I will
love you for eternity
© Simone Holloway, 2015

Featured Image Credit:http://www.lovethispic.com/uploaded_images/62097-I-Love-You.jpg