The Letter

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers- 

My thoughts are hot of the presses and I’m excited to share with you the raw, the real and the now.  Today was all about cleaning.  I recently moved home to prep for my next, but for the last three weeks or so, I’ve been sleeping with boxes all around me.  Clothes are strewn all over the floor as my anxiety is increasingly heightened by not being able to find what I want to wear.  Tucked in a corner is a plastic bag full of paper: scriptures, prophecies, business cards, song lyrics, and other pages are all gathered in a messy heap ready to be sorted by yours truly.

As I reached my hand into the bag, I pulled out a letter I wrote to God about five years ago.  This letter was one of gratitude, thanking Him for always being with me and for showing me the road ahead.  At the end of the letter, I began to thank God for my ex, the possibility of our children (what we discussed together) and the businesses we would run as we took over the world for good.  I was thanking God for the life I thought He commissioned for me, the life I thought I would live.  Fast forward five years, and I do not have that life.  I am not with that person anymore, I do not have any children and those businesses do not exist.  My life now doesn’t match the hope for my life in that letter.  It’s crazy how things change.  Who knew that 11 mos ago, I would enter into a season of singleness, would forsake all desire for children and would find myself trying to figure out what I was going to do. Once upon a time, I was so sure, now I’m peering into the future like “God is this really for me?  “Can we actually do this?”  Can we actually dream again about this buried desire: the desire to be both wife and mother. Can we return here?  In gentleness, He whispers “Yes.  Yes, we can.”  “We can revisit this place in your heart, my love,  do not be afraid.”

“But How?”  my hearts screams out.  “How can we return to a place I never got to.  I almost got there, I thought I was there but I failed… I never got there.”  In love, He grabs my hand and whispers, “Your only failure would have been to marry someone who was never designed to love you.  To procreate with someone who did not have the capacity to be a father and to enter into a business partnership with someone with no integrity.  Babygirl, you did not fail.  You succeeded!  For you chose your future over your present and you chose what was hard over what was easy.  You said Yes even though the cost was your heart. You, my dear, can return to this place…”

Today, I look at the letter as an obituary of the life I thought I would live.  I mourn the union someone promised, the blueprints for businesses I envisioned and the picture-perfect family described.  I mourn what I thought I needed to be complete, to be whole.  I mourn what I thought I wanted to secure happiness.  I have found that my “Yes” to God has always been the answer.  I’ve found that my ability to walk away from what I prayed for is what makes me brave, my ability to be grateful in the new, in the unknown is what gives me strength and my sweet surrender is what makes me His, and His alone.  I cry as I reflect on the past but I am so hopeful for the future, because anything we give up for Christ including our dreams, He returns it 100 fold in this lifetime and the life to come.  I don’t know why I am sharing my process with you.  I wish I had some neat and tidy ending that describe this perfect healing process but I don’t.  All I have is the truth, and the truth is God is good even when our hearts are broken.  God is good even when plans change.  God is good even when we don’t understand our way.  In every season, in every moment, He is good and that in itself is worthy of a simple ‘Thank you!” 

He’s good, He’s God and because I’m His, I am going to be okay.

Xoxo,

Simone

FIC: http://kaizenjournaling.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/large_3584131250.jpg

Holiday Anxiety

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers- 

Happy pre-holiday season, with Thanksgiving approaching in the next few days, some of you may be feeling the what I describe as “holiday anxiety.”  It’s this dreading feeling that comes when you know you have to be surrounded by family and answer a bunch of aggravating questions.  As a newly single walking embodiment of awesomeness, I hate all of the aggravating questions that come with being seated at the family dinner table.  I don’t know about you all, but I feel like we live in a world where we are always asked to supply answers to questions that we simply don’t have the answer to.  For example, “How long will you be single?”; “When are you going to have some kids?”; “Girl, why you ain’t got a boyfriend?; “Girl, when are you getting married?”  In my heart I want to scream, “I DON’T KNOW, DO I LOOK LIKE GOD?”  but on the outside, I smile gracefully and say, “I don’t know.  I’ll let you know when I find out.”  I’m not going to let them know… I’m going to make all my announcements after the fact on social media.  My family will find out about my life choices when the world finds out. Trifling?  Yeah, I know.

Ladies and Gents, If you’re like me, I feel your pain and I understand your holiday anxiety.  But more so, I sense the temptation to return to my past due to my own loneliness.  It’s like Lord, you separated me from what I was in before but because of my own desires to be held and to be in a relationship, I feel tempted to return back to that which you’ve set me free from.  I believe that many of you are facing the same temptation, the temptation to return back to your past. This overwhelming temptation to settle for what you’ve been freed from out of convenience and loneliness.  This, I believe is the reason many of us have found ourselves at a crossroads:  Do we return to what the Lord asked us to leave?  Or, do we wait for what He promised?  I had a choice, return back to my ex so I can finally have an “answer” pleasing to men or to wait for what the Lord promised which is better!

Anyways, I can’t tell you all how to live your life.  All I’ll say is do not forfeit your future for the temporary conveniences of today.  So, here I go approaching this awkward time with boldness and depth reminding myself of the truth: I’m happy, I’m content,  and I’m waiting and that my dears will have to be enough.

Xoxo,

Simone 

FIC: http://www.b2beck.com/images/holiday_anxiety.jpg

Cuffing Season

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

So I was reading the Skimm, which is by the way is AMAZEBALLS… anyways, I was reading my daily dose of brief and concise news when I saw a line stating that it was cuffing season.  I was like, “what the heck is that?” If you guys do not  know what I am talking about, “cuffing season” is what most people call Fall because it is the time people hook up, get into relationships so that they can survive the cold weather with a snuggle buddy.  No lie, this is like a common practice.  I’ve seen more relationship posts, complaints of singleness and “ride or die” memes in the last 3 weeks than I have in a long time… I even found myself thinking about my relationship status and then was like, “Girl, GET YOURSELF TOGETHER!”  I’m too much of a BOSS to sulk about not having a “man” in my life.

Can you imagine a grown woman giving herself a pep talk, with full dialogue?  Jesus take the wheel, but sometimes you have to encourage your own self in the Lord. So my lovely family and friends, I bet there are some of you out there questioning God, like “When is it going to be my turn?”  Trust me friends, I bet that is one question God hears a lot.  I can imagine the Father in heaven anticipating those words throughout the day.  I know I’ve been guilty of uttering those words, “When am I going to meet my one and only?”  Friends, I even tried to make people fit that description in my life.  It never goes well, you cannot make someone fit into a God-ordained position not created for them.  And I’m worried that some of you, caught in the hype of this relationship focused season , are gonna find yourselves cuffing with the wrong person- creating soul ties with those who mean you no good.  You can’t force someone to love you, and you can’t force someone to step up and be who you need in a partner.  Wait on God.  Yeah, yeah I know those words are super cliche and that sometimes these are the words that cause anger to build quickly- but, please I beg you : Wait on Him!

Trust me, when you wait on God – things work out better!  When you try to do it yourself, things go wrong quickly and painfully.  I saw a meme on Insta the other day that made me laugh so hard.  It was a side by side of Beyonce in her VMA  dress  and another dude in a dress that was a hot mess trying to match Yonce’s slay with the caption “When you wait on God and when you try to do it yourself.”  I laughed so hard, it was so funny because that was one of the most accurate memes I’d seen in a while.  When we try to do things ourselves, we mess ourselves all the way up- but when we wait on God, He gives us the best and make His promises reflect beauty in our lives.  I’m not cuffed to anyone and to tell you the truth I don’t want to be.  I rather freely love than be bound and hooked to the wrong person.  I want to journey life with someone and not have to worry about them being faithful, or worry about them respecting me as an individual.  I don’t want to compete for their attention or try to make them care about me deeply.  I’ve been there, I’ve done that.  I’ve played the game and I lost miserably, because I operated out of myself and I did not wait on God.  So I know first hand from experience, it is better to wait on God than to try to create things for yourself. Wait on Him!!!

Ladies, watch who you cuff with and be careful who you choose to be your snuggle buddy! Like my momma/grandma use to say, “If you lay down with dogs, you’ll get up with fleas…” *sips tea* Be careful, darlings, be careful because you only need to give your heart to the wrong person one time, and it can mess you up for a long time.  So from one sister to another, watch and pray less you fall into temptation….

Anyways, love yourself.  Be confident.  Be content. Stay at ease.  Your time will come soon and when it does you’ll forget these moments you felt alone.  I love you guys so much and I’m praying for y’all.  We’re going to get through this together!!!! 🙂

Until next time,

Simone

BTWs: Start a hobby, get involved in your community, go out and have fun.  Boaz is not in your house, he’s out and about – go to the grocery store, you may meet him there. lol. Love y’all ❤

FIC:http://www.hercampus.com/sites/default/files/styles/full_width_embed/public/2014/10/13/cuffing-season-103013.jpg?itok=JWqExRj2

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