The Grip of Loneliness ( My Story)

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

Today is “Freedom Friday”, which means I am going to feature a story of freedom for ya’ll.  Today is a little different in that I feature my own story, today I speak of my own freedom!  I thought I would share this story with you all further along in the future but I feel like today is the perfect time to share with you all my story, my heart.  

We all have our struggles, some we have carried with us from childhood– from the time of our youth.  Ever since I could remember, as a child I always felt out of place– like I did not fit into the world around me.  I always felt lonely, unloved and as if I lacked true value.  I had such low self-esteem and would participate in destructive activities to get rid of the pain that I felt on a near daily basis.  This grip of loneliness turned into depression and this cyclical depression formed into suicidal thoughts and ideations.  Unlike some who experience these thoughts and feelings, I grew up in church.  I grew up hearing on a regular basis that Jesus loved me, but I never truly believed that He did.  I saw God as wanting to have nothing to do with me, but rather just merely tolerating me.  I trusted no one.  I didn’t even trust my parents and I began to isolate myself into my destructive thoughts, allowing myself to experience a deeper level of torment everyday.

 Every day, I would think “You are invisible, no one wants you so no one would miss you if you were gone!”  or “What are you living for, you’re worthless so why not die?”  I could feel  the grip loneliness like a boa constrictor slowly squeezing around me, as if in any moment I wouldn’t be able to breathe and just die.  

Like a cold that just would not go away, I could feel cyclical depression following me.  It wouldn’t leave my side.  When I woke up, it rose with me.  When I lied down to go to bed, it would invade my sleep and my dreams.  It was bound to me and there was nothing I could do.  

Again, I would go to church and hear the preacher talk about God’s love setting us free but I wouldn’t believe it, how could an all perfect God love a messed up person like me?  His perfection, in my thinking, hindered His love for me.  I couldn’t believe in a message that was so simple.  All my life, I felt like I had to earn love.  I had to do something for someone to love me.  I had to be perfect, or be kind, or be the best person possible to have love reciprocated to me- so for me to have to do nothing seemed like it wasn’t genuine, this love couldn’t be real.  

I remember sitting by my bedside, praying to God but not believing that He heard me.  I said “God if you are listening, take the pain away- make my life worth living!”  I got up off of my knees and began to cry because I thought that the hopelessness I was in was my destination for an eternity.  My relationship with God was so shallow and I did not have the courage at the time to be honest with Him concerning anything.  I didn’t trust people so I definitely didn’t trust God.  I didn’t trust that He could make my heart whole, or that He could take away my feelings of loneliness, worthlessness and insignificance.  I didn’t trust in His power or in His love. 

I sat in my room floor, crying my eyes out about my life when I heard His still small voice whisper to me in my pit...”I still love you!” He said. “Even though you have a hard time believing in Me, and you have so many doubts, I still love you.” God spoke to my heart “I’m in this for the long haul, My love lasts forever.”  Immediately, I knew I had a moment with God and I yearned for more moments such as the one I experienced.  I learned that hearing God’s word but not believing it does nothing for one’s soul.  Jesus says in Matthew 28:20 “And Lo, I am with you always, even until the end of the world”  According to the Word, I was never alone but I had to believe that for it to take effect.  John 3:16 says.”For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son; that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life” .  God loved me so much that He gave His most prized possession, His Son, to die for my sin.  He loved me so much that He created a way for me to have an intimate relationship with Him.  I had to believe that, I had to.

For years, I struggled with the grip of loneliness- but now as I sit and write to you, I can honestly say that I am free.  

I am free from the feelings of needing someone to be in my life.  I am free from the suicidal thoughts.  I am free from the cyclic depression.  I am free from thoughts of worthlessness and insignificance.  I am free.

 I know now in my heart of hearts that I am deeply loved by the Lover of my Soul, and nothing can change that.  I know now in my heart of hearts that I mean something to God and that my life is precious/valuable.  I know now in my heart of hearts, who I am and how special I am to God.

 I am free from the struggles of my past, from the torments of my childhood and I can move on in my life.  I am free to trust myself, my friends and my family.  I am free to trust my judgement and to open my heart again to love.  I am free to love.  While I was hurting, I closed myself off- I couldn’t love. I couldn’t trust.  Now that I am whole, I am free to trust and to love and to think highly of my value here on the earth.  God loves me and He has never stopped loving me, even when I was in the “pit” and couldn’t see my way out, He still loved me.  I am free!  

So if you suffer from the things I mentioned in today’s post and you can identify with me, I want to let you know that you can be free too!  You can be free!  You can be free to love, trust, smile, be happy again. You can be free from the thoughts of suicide and the torments of loneliness. You can be free!  I can’t make you free, but I know someone who can and He has done wonders for me.  I want to introduce you to the Lover of my soul, Yeshua aka Jesus, He has all the power to set you free with His love.  His love will set you free! 

If you ever need to talk, please email/ message me!  i’m always here and I love you all– Happy Freedom Friday!

Until next time, 

Mo ❤

A Gift Is Just That…A Gift.

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

Hey ya’ll!  I just found some time to write, so I’m sitting with Lecrae rhyming in my ears and trying to decide how I am going to articulate what I want to say to ya’ll this evening.  I think that in Christianity, we make things so complicated.  For real, we complicate things!  The gospel of Jesus Christ is a gift, just simply a gift.  Gifts are things that we do not work for but are freely given to us out of love.  I never paid for a gift, have you?  The deal with gifts are that they can be given to us but we must receive them to see their benefits in our lives.  For example. my mom can give me a car but if I never receive that car as my own- I won’t be able to drive it ( put it to use).  So the art of gift giving is two-fold:  it’s giving and receiving.  If I give you something but you refuse to receive what I am trying to give you, my giving means nothing.  

So…God gives us the gift of His son, but if we refuse to receive Him that gift means nothing in our lives.  God gives us the gift of peace but if we don’t receive our gift, we can’t expect to see perfect peace in our lives.  God gives us joy but if we refuse to accept our free gift of joy and stay in our sadness, that’s on us.

God gives us the desires of our hearts if we delight ourselves in Him, but if we don’t accept what He is giving us- we won’t see the change we desire for our lives.  It’s not that hard- it really isn’t.  All we have to do is receive these gifts, nothing more.  We don’t have to earn the gifts we are given, we don’t have to pay for them, all we have to is receive these gifts and use them.  

A gift is just that…a gift 

Until next time, 

Mo 🙂 

Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

My mother used to tell me that “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”  She explained to me at a young age that everyone has something of beauty, whether this beauty was a physical or spiritual.  My mother is a firm believer that since we were created in the image of God, we were created in His beauty, in His likeness.  I love this statement because it eliminates the insecurity of “not being” beautiful or pretty enough for others.  If I was created in the image of God, like the Bible says- then from the beginning of my time here on the Earth, I was created beautiful.  

God looks upon me and He sees Himself and all of His beauty, and therefore He calls me beautiful.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I am beautiful because God beholds me in His beauty.

 I think this concept will cause young girls like myself to quit looking to the media for a standard of beauty, to quit looking to magazines for a standard of beauty.  This concept will help girls like me value my beauty enough to not succumb to eating disorders or self-mutilation- I am beautiful in the eyes of God.  This concept will help young girls like me not seek to be made beautiful by a man or by someone else’s opinion,  

The desiring of my body does not make me beautiful but the pursuit of my spirit and my mind creates beauty.  I am beautiful because I am beheld by God and He sees me as beautiful.  God sees me as beautiful.

So I encourage you today to see yourself as beautiful.  You was created in the image of God, in all of His beauty and no matter what you are beautiful.  Your spirit makes you beautiful, not your outwardly countenance.  We focus too much on the physical, when the most beautiful parts of ourselves are our spirits.  You are beautiful.  I don’t care who says you aren’t, I come to tell you that you are because you are beheld by God and He sees His beauty in you!  

Until next time, 

Mo 

Beauty is...

8 Signs Of A Toxic Relationship

I saw this article and I realized that things like this need to be addressed if we are going to move forward in our newness of life. James Sama states these toxic signs perfectly and I believe he has a point that should be taken. God does not desire for us to be in toxic relationships. He has no desire for us to be mentally, emotionally, or physically abused by anyone. So today, I share this article with you so that if you find yourself in one of these toxic relationships, you can find the strength to let go and heal. You deserve better! God thinks that, James thinks that and I think that and we can’t all be wrong. lol. I pray that this gives you courage! ❤ Mo

James Michael Sama

This is a very difficult topic to discuss – because you’ve got to be sensitive to people’s feelings, but at the same time, give them a dose of reality.

It’s both disappointing and unfortunate to see how many abusive relationships are happening on a daily basis, and thought to be normal.

Image

It’s important to note that you don’t need physical violence in order to have an abusive relationship. And don’t forget, both men and women can be guilty of this.

If you are made to feel any of the following ways or recognize any of the following things, then you truly need to take a step back, put your emotions aside, and ask yourself what your partner is truly bringing to your life.

– You always feel guilty, but don’t know why.

Is your partner always making you feel as though you did something wrong, but you genuinely can’t understand…

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I REFUSE TO BE STUCK

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

 I REFUSE TO BE STUCK!

I shout this phrase from the “mountain-tops”, from the “valleys”, from wherever my voice will be heard the most – I REFUSE TO BE STUCK.

I refuse to be stuck in my past.  I refuse to be stuck in old mindsets.  I refuse to be stuck in old insecurities.  I refuse to be stuck in my past season, when God is trying to bring me into the new.  I refuse to be stuck and frankly I DON’T CARE if no one else goes with me.

I don’t care if I lose friends along the way.  I don’t care if the phone calls stop coming and the emails cease, I WILL MOVE FORWARD – regardless of who moves forward with me.

I will walk into the purpose that God has for me.  I will walk into my divine destiny.

 Jesus didn’t die  so I can live life stuck, He died so I could live a life of perpetually moving forward.

I am going to live a life of moving toward the good in life, no matter what!

If you want to journey with me, you can’t be content being stuck in the same old, same old. You can’t live a life of complacency and think we are going to walk through this life together.  I refuse to live a life of settling when I can have greater.

I REFUSE TO BE STUCK.   Who’s with me?

Until next time,

Mo ❤

 

Believe Again!

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

Today I would like to take some time to encourage you  to believe in your dreams again.  Sometimes after we have experienced the hardships of life, we come to the place where we don’t believe in our dreams- we give up! But today, I want to encourage you to take your dream book out of the trash and to believe in your dreams again.  Believe in your goals.  Believe in the possibility of a bright future.  Please, believe again!

God can make our dreams come true, but we have to believe in them.  In Matthew 19:26, Jesus says to His disciples “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” God can do anything!  He can help you fulfill your dreams, all you need is a little faith (the size of a mustard seed actually) in Him.  Stop looking at your dreams and doubting that they are going to happen.  Stop speaking negativity over your dreams.  Stop throwing in the towel when times get tough! Believe again!

Friends, I know that life throws us curve-balls and sometimes we think that life can’t get better, but it will.  Life will get better.  We will make it through our trials and tests, and we will overcome!  Jesus says in John 16:33b ” In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  He has overcome the world and He has given us the power to overcome.  Believe again!

Until next time,

Mo ❤

Photo Credit: http://lookatmyhappyrainbow.blogspot.com/2010/12/believe.html

 

It’s Just A Test

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

Today is usually Freedom Friday but we are going to do something different for this week.  Today, I’m going to spend some time encouraging you.  Next week, we will resume with sharing stories that exemplify freedom.  Sit back, read and enjoy!  

Have you ever been in a situation where they seemed to be no way out?  There seems to be no hope of things getting better?  

What do you do?  

Have you ever prayed and heard God say nothing?  Or, have you ever had to trust/ believe God in spite of what you see?  

Friends, I am in the place in my relationship with God where I have to follow Him even when I don’t see Him guiding me.  I have to trust in His promises even when I don’t hear His voice.  I think that sometimes God is silent on purpose to test the intentions of our hearts.  It’s like He wants to see if we will love Him in spite of what we are going through, in spite of what we are dealing with.  I’m here to encourage you and let you know that what you are going through is only a test, a test of faith/belief.  

You know, it’s one thing to say you have faith in something, but it’s another to put that faith into practice.  Sometimes, God doesn’t move the way we think He should in our situations.  This doesn’t mean that God can’t move in our situation ( He can do all things), maybe He is choosing a different way to move.  It’s easy to doubt that God cares and that He’s concerned during these times of silence, but we must not give up our faith in God.  God use these times of silence to test our belief, it is in these moments that we discover if we truly believe God’s word- our words are tested during hard times.  

 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1 NIV)

What you are going through is just a test.  You can make it!  You can win! Keep believing in God’s word, keep trusting Him because before you know it- He’s going to work everything out!  Yes, He will. 

Until next time, 

Mo 🙂 

Reasons Why People Don’t Go To Church

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

Today’s topic has been burning on my heart for a few days now, so I thought I would address some key reasons why people choose not to go to church.  Attending church is a personal choice, usually influenced by family and friends- but today, church attendance has decreased over time and the choice between church and home has become an apparent one.  I don’t blame individuals for choosing to opt out of church for a morning in their PJs but rather I look to the current conditions of the church as reasons why individuals choose to stay home. As you guys already know, I am a Christian and an avid church -goer.  I love my local church but as I look at the condition of the universal church, I’m deeply saddened by what I see.

Individuals no longer see the church as a pillar of strength in communities, or as a voice of change and awareness for those without.  The church has become a joke among those who do not profess faith in Jesus Christ and its influence seems to be waning as time goes by.  

Today, I am going to present my TOP 5 REASONS why people don’t go to church: 

#5- The Church Focuses Too Much On Materialism.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe that an individual should be able to have nice things.  I think that if a person works hard for what they obtain, they should enjoy the fruit of their labor.  My biggest concern with this focus on materialism is that it does nothing to edify one’s spirit.

I don’t think that God cares about how many cars a person drives, or how many homes one can obtain.  I  don’t think there is some kind of competition going on between man and God to see who can have the most. God owns the world and everything in it, He won!

This focus on materialism in the church is misleading and it’s a turn off.  If I didn’t know God and I came to a service and all the preacher talked about was having nice homes and having nice cars, especially when I’m fighting real demons, I’ll be slightly annoyed.  I would be annoyed that I wasted my gas to drive to church when I could have saved it for work the next morning.   God wants us to live prosperous and to have abundance, but He also wants us to feed the orphans and to take care of the widows.  If God blesses us so that we can live selfishly, then having salvation in Jesus Christ would be in vain.  Materialism brings pride and it causes man to think that they got what they have on their own.  If I could get a car on my own, why do I need God? A new car won’t solve any of my problems… The church needs to stop focusing on things and to start focusing on God.

#4-  In Church Nothing Changes…

The Church is supposed to be a place of change.  When you come into the building and sit in the pew, the Holy Spirit is supposed to meet you at your seat and work on your heart, mind and spirit.  The Church building is symbolic of our bodies, a temple that God dwells in.  If I come to church seeking something and I leave still seeking something, something is wrong.  I’m supposed to come to church seeking, and while I’m listening to the Word of God, the questions in my heart are being answered.  This doesn’t seem to be the case today.

People come to church depressed and leave depressed.  They come to church suicidal and leave suicidal.  People come into the church battling all kind of demons of their past and then someone comes and says something, making things worse.  The church seems to be a place of no change, lives remain the same.  

This doesn’t represent God’s will because everywhere Jesus went in scripture, He produced change.  Whether He was performing a miracle, having a conversation, praying to the Father, arguing with the Pharisees or preparing for Passover- Him being in the lives of others produced change, a revolution of sorts.  If Christ is the initiator of change, then why isn’t His church doing the same thing.  Change comes through the Word of God and since Christ is the Word- He is change (John 1:1)! Why come to church to go home feeling the same way?  I could have stayed home for that? Especially if I am not going to gain strength or hope for what’s ahead.  I could have stayed home for the same old, same old.

#3-  The Church Lacks Love…

No one wants to come to a gathering of mean and hateful people.  Trust me, I don’t!

Why would I place myself in the company of negative people?  Why would I come to a building to be talked about and torn down with words? Why would I come to a building to have people tell me that my curiosity in Christ isn’t sincere? Like, Why?  I could have stayed home and looked in the mirror and spoke badly about myself, if I wanted that.  Why get up and put on my best clothes, to be told that what I am wearing is not right? Really, on my first day?

I remember when we could speak to those who didn’t know Christ in love. Yes, there is a standard and everything should be done in modesty but what about those who don’t know.  Some people never grew up in church, their family didn’t go so they didn’t go.  They might not have “church” clothes, but that doesn’t mean that we can be mean to them and speak badly to them.  The biggest hurt someone can experience is church hurt, individuals are hurting because those who claim  the name of Christ could not come to them in love.  God is love (1 John 4:8).  Jesus says in John 15: 12 “This is my commandment.  That ye love one another, as I have loved you”.  Jesus approaches us in love and we should do the same.  Even in our disagreeing we should be able to talk to one another in love and mutual respect.  Those who don’t know God look to the church for direction and guidance, and if we are being mean/ hateful to one another- they are not going to want to emulate us.  Being hateful is not attractive, having a mean spirit is not pretty and it’s definitely not Christ-like.  Those of us who say we love God are going to be judged for how we treated our brother and sister, we have to make sure we live a life of love.

#2-  The Church Tries Too Hard To Do Nothing…

We try too hard….  We change the style of music we play, we water down the preaching, we try to talk like we’re hip or cool.  We try too hard.  We don’t have to present an image that we are not, to attract people to the church. Whatever a church use to attract members is what they are going to have to use to keep the members they gained.  So if it was the music ministry that attracted a majority of the members, the music ministry is going to have to stay perfect to keep them.  Those without Christ is not looking for something that isn’t real… We have to be real in our presentation of Jesus Christ.

This realness is not a “raw” everything goes type of mentality because that’s not real, that’s popular.  Yes, as Christians, we have struggles.  Yes, as Christians, we get discouraged.  But no, as Christians, we do not use sin as a crutch for not living a life that’s pleasing to God. We don’t use crutches, that’s not real!  Being genuine goes a long way!  

We spend so much time trying too hard to do nothing.  We aren’t proactive in the world around us.  People are still poor, people are still homeless, people are still struggling.  We have all kinds of atrocities happening in the world today- in Iraq and in Ferguson, Mo.  The church is supposed to be that beacon of light during these time, influential enough to get things done, yet we do nothing.  We try too hard to attract non-believers and yet we do nothing impressive.  Gaining resources to eliminate poverty is impressive.  Supplying a third-world country with clean drinking- water is impressive.  Making sure that children receive an education is impressive, but building a bigger stage to look like a rock band is not! 

And Finally…#1 – The Church Has No Standard…

We have compromised our standard for what’s popular.  We have made everything acceptable in Christendom.  Everything!  If you can imagine it, it has or will be acceptable in the modern Church mode.  We use the excuse of “judgement” to not keep a solid belief system.  If I preach a belief system that does not condone alcohol, then I’m judging my brother.  If I preach a belief system that does not condone adultery, then I’m “judging” my sister.   Placing judgement and uplifting a standard are two different things.  Judgments are reasonable conclusions that we come to, every single day.  We make a judgement based on what is presented to us; who we should be friends with, what restaurants we should go to, and what cars we should drive.  We make judgments that we believe will keep our families safe based on the information given to us.  Every single day, we make reasonable conclusions.  Uplifting a standard, says that I am creating a way of life based on a belief system and I am not accepting in my (personal) life anything that is contrary.  So if I believe drinking alcohol is wrong and that is my standard, my friends cannot bring alcohol in my home and help themselves.  They cannot buy me alcohol because that goes against my belief system.  So if I am a pastor and God’s word says that He is against adultery, I am not going to practice adultery and bring that lifestyle into the church and “make” God and His people accept my lifestyle.  My lifestyle goes against His standard.

We’re so concerned about numbers and whose tithing and whether or not we can get more money that we compromise God’s standard and we allow anything and everything to happen in His house.  This is not appealing to a non believer.  

The world, knows its standard and does not apologize to anyone for having that standard.  Why, as the church- do we apologize for our standard? Why? Why do we bend over backwards to make ourselves into something we are not, nor was called to be?  The world (according to the Christian faith ) is in darkness, yet there is order in their darkness.  We are the children of light but we are so full of chaos…why? That’s backwards.

Well guys, I hope you come to see my point of view in the light of things.  As a Christian, I believe that it’s my job to represent Christ.  I am supposed to love like Him.  I am supposed to give like He did.  I am supposed to share His goodness with the world.  If I am not doing any of those things then I am doing Him a great disservice.  It is not my job to make myself bigger than someone else.  It is not my job to compete with my brother for the most attention.  It is not my job to be my own god, but rather it’s my job to live my life with purpose through Jesus Christ.  Today’s post might seem a a little preachy but I want to encourage you to reexamine your life and your walk with God.  Are you a Christian? Or are you just one in label only? We can be labeled all kinds of things, that doesn’t mean that label speaks to who we truly are.  I encourage you to really understand what the label of Christian means.  This means you have surrendered your heart, body, mind and soul to Jesus Christ- you’ve decided to follow Him.  That’s a tall order but it’s rewarding.  If we place our focus on Jesus, He’ll do the rest.  He’ll draw hearts, save souls, and change minds- that’s His job not ours! 

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

P.S. I use the term universal church to represent the “church” as a whole.  There are local churches that are doing some great things in the body of Christ. Open Door Ministries ( SC) would be a great example, also Bethel Church (CA) is a great example as well.  This problem in the “church” goes beyond each individual church but as a collective body of believers (the whole group).  Therefore the term church is used loosely to represent all of those who believe & serve Jesus Christ.

Just One Of Those Days…

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

I didn’t think I was going to get a chance to blog today since I got sick, like randomly sick.  I was fine until 3 o’clock and then BAM!!! My body started spazzing out; headaches, stomach-aches, toothaches- you name it, I dealt with it!  I think days like this is just apart of the package deal we call life.  SO this evening, let’s talk about response– how do we deal with certain issues?  Like, random body sickness? I am a firm believer that it’s how we respond to our circumstances that matter, everything else- not so much. 

I have learned this summer that life will throw us curve-balls, we will have our ups and downs, and sometimes we will be faced with random circumstances where we will have to give an immediate response.  I have learned that it is wiser to be silent and think before speaking then to rush into an endless emotionally charged rambling.  I have also learned that I can change a situation through my response to that situation.  For example, say I face a confrontation on my job and my coworker decided to give me a “verbal lashing” today- I can (a) return the favor ( use some choice words… 😉 ), (b) walk away, think and then speak (maybe a good choice), or (c) take the lashing and harbor resentment towards her( I will have my revenge – *dramatic* voice).  I am a firm believer that some things should not be swept under the rug- some things should be addressed in a civil/mature manner.  Our responses to situations matter.  

James 1:19 says,  “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,”  Sometimes we act out of character because we are angry in the moment or because we feel the need to respond and defend ourselves in that moment.  This shouldn’t be the case.  Our character should not be compromised because of our responses- we are bigger than momentary anger, we can rise above our peers.  

Sometimes, we have to make the most of what we’ve been given.  Sometimes, we have to be positive even when things are super bad.  Sometimes, we even have to smile when all we really want to do is cry- our response to situations makes us stronger individuals and solidifies our character.  So even if you was like me today and had “just one of those days”, keep you head up and realize that your day can be better.  You can have a great day, no matter what- just make sure you watch the way you respond to certain situations.  

Please pray my strength, and hopefully I’ll be in tip-top shape in the morning.

Until next time, 

Mo ❤

P.S. I got a job interview with a law firm in the morning- please send your prayers my way.  Love ya’ll

Photo Credit: http://www.luvmycrzylife.com