I Played Myself.

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers- 

Happy Monday! Welcome to February and now that we are in the month of love, I thought I would start this month’s content with a relationship-focused post. This morning I woke up with an epiphany.  I came to this realization that in my last relationship, I ultimately played myself.  Let me preface this conversation with the following:  I am NOT assuming the blame for all of the terrible things my ex did to me, but rather I am acknowledging my part in the allowance and acceptance of poor treatment.

This morning, I woke up and my ex’s face filled my mind.  He was smiling and all of his handsome features were highlighted: eyes the color of the ocean, hair as bright as the sun and a little shadow that gave him a rugged sexiness.  When I peered into those eyes almost eight years ago, I had no idea the calamity I was getting ready to face.  I never imagined that one whose last name I thought I would assume would wreck me into a billion pieces only to disappear as I cleaned up the mess. He was a cowardly devil whose bad-boy personality concealed years of trauma and brokenness.  However, we connected because in a way I was the same:  broken, looking for a project to feel necessary in the world and he gave me that: himself.  In our relationship, I allowed him to get away with murder. He broke countless promises and I didn’t complain, I gave chance after chance only to come up short.

But why did I do that?  Maybe because I hoped his sentiments of love would be true producing tangible change?  Or perhaps I wanted him in my life so bad, I dismissed his bad behavior?  Or better yet, maybe we believed in deception that our codependency was normal, needed or good?

But there was something I believed about myself that warranted such foolish behavior.  Loves, during this time I didn’t believe that I was enough.  I didn’t think I was a prize to be won, conquered and championed for.  I settled because I did not believe in my own worth.  There is a difference between the extension of grace and the acceptance of that which is subpar because of ones’ view of self.  A huge difference and maybe your extension of grace is really a signal that you don’t truly love yourself.  For you are worthy of being loved well than merely appeased because this person tolerates you.  I was worthy of better, I was fashioned for more and I had to come to the resolve to walk away.  As his face filled my mind this morning, I wasn’t filled with regret but rather a sense of gratitude.  I am grateful that I came to the place that I loved myself enough to walk away.  I am grateful that I loved myself enough to speak up, to demand more, to require truth and honesty in my relationships.  I love myself enough to look past the words and check ones’ actions.  Having boundaries, creating a standard is evidence of self-love and I won’t accept the doctrine of anyone who argues otherwise.  Loves,  may you come to the place where you love yourself more than mere company!

I played myself but I learned a lot during the process.  As I look back, my ex taught me what not to settle for.  He coached me into knowing who not to love romantically, and it was his lessons with the grace of God that has given me a fresh start to try again. Thank God for your exes, because they gave you a fresh start and prompted your journey into self-love.  So ________ if you’re reading this, THANK YOU FOR BREAKING MY HEART!!! It was the best thing that happened to me, for God has given me a new one that cannot be tricked into falling for others like you.  Thank you, the break up made me better!

Loves, have a great day and remember to celebrate all things blackness for we are beautiful!

Xoxo,

Simone 

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