The Letter

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers- 

My thoughts are hot of the presses and I’m excited to share with you the raw, the real and the now.  Today was all about cleaning.  I recently moved home to prep for my next, but for the last three weeks or so, I’ve been sleeping with boxes all around me.  Clothes are strewn all over the floor as my anxiety is increasingly heightened by not being able to find what I want to wear.  Tucked in a corner is a plastic bag full of paper: scriptures, prophecies, business cards, song lyrics, and other pages are all gathered in a messy heap ready to be sorted by yours truly.

As I reached my hand into the bag, I pulled out a letter I wrote to God about five years ago.  This letter was one of gratitude, thanking Him for always being with me and for showing me the road ahead.  At the end of the letter, I began to thank God for my ex, the possibility of our children (what we discussed together) and the businesses we would run as we took over the world for good.  I was thanking God for the life I thought He commissioned for me, the life I thought I would live.  Fast forward five years, and I do not have that life.  I am not with that person anymore, I do not have any children and those businesses do not exist.  My life now doesn’t match the hope for my life in that letter.  It’s crazy how things change.  Who knew that 11 mos ago, I would enter into a season of singleness, would forsake all desire for children and would find myself trying to figure out what I was going to do. Once upon a time, I was so sure, now I’m peering into the future like “God is this really for me?  “Can we actually do this?”  Can we actually dream again about this buried desire: the desire to be both wife and mother. Can we return here?  In gentleness, He whispers “Yes.  Yes, we can.”  “We can revisit this place in your heart, my love,  do not be afraid.”

“But How?”  my hearts screams out.  “How can we return to a place I never got to.  I almost got there, I thought I was there but I failed… I never got there.”  In love, He grabs my hand and whispers, “Your only failure would have been to marry someone who was never designed to love you.  To procreate with someone who did not have the capacity to be a father and to enter into a business partnership with someone with no integrity.  Babygirl, you did not fail.  You succeeded!  For you chose your future over your present and you chose what was hard over what was easy.  You said Yes even though the cost was your heart. You, my dear, can return to this place…”

Today, I look at the letter as an obituary of the life I thought I would live.  I mourn the union someone promised, the blueprints for businesses I envisioned and the picture-perfect family described.  I mourn what I thought I needed to be complete, to be whole.  I mourn what I thought I wanted to secure happiness.  I have found that my “Yes” to God has always been the answer.  I’ve found that my ability to walk away from what I prayed for is what makes me brave, my ability to be grateful in the new, in the unknown is what gives me strength and my sweet surrender is what makes me His, and His alone.  I cry as I reflect on the past but I am so hopeful for the future, because anything we give up for Christ including our dreams, He returns it 100 fold in this lifetime and the life to come.  I don’t know why I am sharing my process with you.  I wish I had some neat and tidy ending that describe this perfect healing process but I don’t.  All I have is the truth, and the truth is God is good even when our hearts are broken.  God is good even when plans change.  God is good even when we don’t understand our way.  In every season, in every moment, He is good and that in itself is worthy of a simple ‘Thank you!” 

He’s good, He’s God and because I’m His, I am going to be okay.

Xoxo,

Simone

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Holiday Anxiety

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers- 

Happy pre-holiday season, with Thanksgiving approaching in the next few days, some of you may be feeling the what I describe as “holiday anxiety.”  It’s this dreading feeling that comes when you know you have to be surrounded by family and answer a bunch of aggravating questions.  As a newly single walking embodiment of awesomeness, I hate all of the aggravating questions that come with being seated at the family dinner table.  I don’t know about you all, but I feel like we live in a world where we are always asked to supply answers to questions that we simply don’t have the answer to.  For example, “How long will you be single?”; “When are you going to have some kids?”; “Girl, why you ain’t got a boyfriend?; “Girl, when are you getting married?”  In my heart I want to scream, “I DON’T KNOW, DO I LOOK LIKE GOD?”  but on the outside, I smile gracefully and say, “I don’t know.  I’ll let you know when I find out.”  I’m not going to let them know… I’m going to make all my announcements after the fact on social media.  My family will find out about my life choices when the world finds out. Trifling?  Yeah, I know.

Ladies and Gents, If you’re like me, I feel your pain and I understand your holiday anxiety.  But more so, I sense the temptation to return to my past due to my own loneliness.  It’s like Lord, you separated me from what I was in before but because of my own desires to be held and to be in a relationship, I feel tempted to return back to that which you’ve set me free from.  I believe that many of you are facing the same temptation, the temptation to return back to your past. This overwhelming temptation to settle for what you’ve been freed from out of convenience and loneliness.  This, I believe is the reason many of us have found ourselves at a crossroads:  Do we return to what the Lord asked us to leave?  Or, do we wait for what He promised?  I had a choice, return back to my ex so I can finally have an “answer” pleasing to men or to wait for what the Lord promised which is better!

Anyways, I can’t tell you all how to live your life.  All I’ll say is do not forfeit your future for the temporary conveniences of today.  So, here I go approaching this awkward time with boldness and depth reminding myself of the truth: I’m happy, I’m content,  and I’m waiting and that my dears will have to be enough.

Xoxo,

Simone 

FIC: http://www.b2beck.com/images/holiday_anxiety.jpg

Once Again

It's silent around me. 

I can't hear a peep-

for my brain no longer recognizes the sound of a broken heart. 

It's crazy how time has not healed anything, 

I'm still standing in 2011 longing - 

for what seems to be the impossible. 

I hold my breath and look over the edge, 

and I begin to count my fears. . . 

For I am afraid. 

Yes! I am utterly afraid- 

that 7 years worth of prayers will greet me at my front door, 

seeking perfection. 

I'm not perfect but I find myself concerned with a standard, 

that never measures up.  

An unspoken question: am I good enough? 

What if he is greatly disappointed?

But, what if he's extremely pleased?

But, how would I ever know if I never jump?

I stand on love's cliff and the wind beckons me to the sky. 

Either I will sink or swim- but first I must fly! 

Lo, it's time to take a chance- once again.

3. . . 2. . . 1

©Simone Holloway, 2017

 

FIC:  http://www.nstperfume.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/crater-lake.jpg

 

Nerves & Excitement

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers – 

This is finally happening. I am leaving home to pursue a career in law.  I move from my parent’s house to my own place in a few days and I am filled with nerves, excitement, and a whole bunch of feelings that I cannot even begin to understand.  I thought I would be facing this moment a couple of years ago, but the plan of God was different and He destined that I leave this year to begin that phase of my future.

As I think about the days to come, I am speechless as I grasp the idea of leaving my family, church family and all I know behind.  I’m utterly on my own, alone as I push toward my dreams.I am going to a place that my friends cannot go with me, even the one I loved more than life could not go and I’ve been placed in a position where it’s me and God for the long run.  I tried to busy myself so I would not have to grapple with these facts, thinking that if my mind is not idle- I can pretend that this transition did not effect me.  But as I am writing this evening, I feel tears threatening to be released from the prison of my eyes- I realize that this is it! This is exactly what I asked  for, prayed for , believed for… and instead of fear I should be filled with courage as i walk into this new place.

Courage.  I want to be courageous- I’ve been prepping for these days for two years and have met more hardships than anyone would ever understand.  I found out over the span of two years who were my friends and who were counterfeits.  I discovered that the word family means different things to different people.  I became guarded. I dumped the practice of being naive and I learned that in life you have to fight for what you want and sometimes you just have to cry it out.  You have to cry out disappoint, you have to cry out fear, you have to cry  and shed as many tears as possible to cleanse the soul.  Sometimes you have to cry to heal and sometimes you have to walk alone so that you can finally learn yourself.

There comes a time in our lives where we have to love ourselves first, so that we can love others.  There comes a time when we have to believe in our dreams, when no one else does.  Finally, sometimes we have to become prisoners of hope and hope for the best regardless of how everything around us is trying to steal that hope.  I fought for where I am, a J.D. candidate in the class of 2019 and I have so much more fighting to do.  I will fight until the end when I am sitting on a judge’s seat making the wrongs of our society right again.  Becoming a lawyer is the next step in the line of many  and the best is yet to come.

So loves, I thought I would share my heart with you this evening and bring encouragement regarding your dreams.  I know life has been tough, believe me I do – but I know that each and every one of you have the power within to change the world.  I believe in your dreams.  I believe in your ability to bring them to pass.  I believe that inside of you is a purpose greater than what you see for yourself and I am excited yet nervous at how you are going to bring your imprint of change to the earth.  I love you guys!

Thanks for being my family, for sharing your lives with me and for welcoming me into your lives as well.  Most importantly, thanks for sticking with me when I did not believe in myself.  Thank you Authentic Lovers!!!

Until next time ( when my workload gets a bit easier lol.),

Simone

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Valentine’s Day

Today marks a  day for love

love without partiality and hypocrisy….

I’ve tasted of this love & I

with all of my might – extend

this love to you.

One thing is surely true,

nothing can separate us- our hearts

sewn together as one.

A great prize, we won each other.

It’s a day when I remember my eternal gift

love unconditional, from glory to glory…

changing the very story of my life.

To  a husband, I would become wife.

And to a galaxy, stars in the sky

completing creation’s purpose of beauty.

It’s today that I see…

I am blessed.

Blessed beyond measure,

no matter the stormy weather…

Because this love have given me

sunny days…

Maybe I’m in a love haze.

As the smoky glory of God wraps over our being,

in you, His love is freeing-

making forgiveness, easy and breezy

and beautiful

you are suitable…

for me.

©Simone Holloway, 2016

©COVERGIRL, 2016

FIC: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/57/98/3f/57983fcb0715b293fd6094acfda3f9a6.jpg

 

 

Dear Future Husband

Dear Future Husband, 

I’m not one to make a lot of empty promises, not one to say things I hope you’ll want to hear.  I just want to be real, especially with you.

You see- I see you as my God-given gift.  I am your rib, your helpmate, the one destined for you.  So I value my role and position in your life, I was built to cultivate your greatness – to make your deepest dreams come alive.  I was fashioned after my mother Eve, wrapped in her beauty- detailed in her love and with the wisdom of Deborah and the grace of Ruth, I stand in the strength of Rahab, ready to stand by your side.

I promise to be myself and to accept you for who you truly are.  I promise to point you to the Father, knowing that true love comes from Him and Him alone.  I promise to hear your fears and not jump to conclusions/judgments.  I I promise to rejoice when you rejoice and to cry tears of sadness when your heart is broken.  I promise to fill your days with laughter and your nights with dancing. I promise to be a  listening ear and a mouth ready to defend your character. I promise loyalty, I promise faithfulness, I promise truth – all of the core things promised by our Lord Jesus Christ.  I promise to allow you to lead, even as God-ordained; while retaining my God-given spirit of independence and strong will.  I promise to love those you love dearly and to accept your family as my own.  I promise to never give up. because once I am in- I’m all in for the long run.  I promise to be a shoulder to lean on, a confidante, a voice of reason and a godly representation of Christ’s love for us.  I promise to be who God designed me to be for you: and nothing less.  I promise to be vulnerable, I promise to let you in – even when it’s hard and all I want to do is run and hide.  I promise to allow you to love me even when I don’t think I am deserving of such love.

Perfect love casts out all fear, so with you- I plan to be fearless!  I plan to be released from all inhibitions – with you, I plan to be alive.  I promise life and the joys that come with  truly living.  I’ll always love you.  My love may evolve, but it’ll remain constant- always being for you and you alone.  I promise all these things, as precious as my next breath- I love you.

Now and forever,

Your- soon- to-be-wife 

©Simone Holloway, 2015

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Dishes

plates, glasses, and cups
all bathing in lukewarm water
filled with more bubbles than a canister
my fingers pruning from the length of time
spent cleaning these delicate things
made of porcelain and glass
Alas!  my thoughts run towards you
a love simply true
but like plates need a little bath
from the outpouring of wrath
a consequence of circumstances
out of our control
we just couldn't get a good hold
on what we wanted to be
deciding to cancel what was you and me
but as my pool of tears
stare into this cleansing pool I created
frustrated
I realize that I miss you
to the point that I can't breathe
because you aren't near
you aren't here
with
me
....
so when are we
going to take the time to clean up us
to rebuild trust
to make amends amongst ourselves
to escape this hell
that we
voluntarily
submitted to
like it or not
our destiny is wrapped into one another
we were destined to be together
our future
blossoming within our union
.
confusion
comes to those who aren't paying attention
to the nature of redemption
that is being extended towards them
I could count up the sum
of your wrongs toward me
but where would I be?
harboring anger to the one I love
my gift from God above
who didn't know he was a gift
heaven-sent
yet
accepted shame like damnation from hell
as if under a spell
was convinced that he wasn't good enough
to be loved
by me.
yet I
willing to pry
into the depths of your heart
shine the flashlight of truth
and my love becomes the proof
that "love remembers no wrongs"
that all of the songs
about forgiveness doesn't have to come from a kiss
that mercy and grace actually exists
existing while being extended towards you
What are you going to do?

Like those dishes we need to be  cleaned up 
but, I'm waiting on you
©Simone Holloway, 2015

Featured Image Credit: http://img.allw.mn/content/www/2010/08/7-ways-to-conserve-water/don-t-run-it-while-doing-dishes_7-ways-to-conserve-water.jpg

To Be Reunited

To be reunited with the Lover of My Soul

to be made whole

in a single moment

a simple gesture of atonement

the residue removed of my past sin

To be enveloped into the arms of my Love

to look at his beautiful face above

my own

bone of my bone

His soul and mine tied from within.

My lips curl into a smile

I long for just a little while

to be in the same room as him

through thick and thin

we’ve journey through life together

nothing can come and tether

this love that we share

His heart knows my cares

and we long to be in the same room

sharing the closeness of a tomb

confined in a space smaller than our hearts

love painted on canvases of art

We long for our reunion

one that goes beyond our soul’s communion

that we acknowledge everyday

forever we long to stay

in the arms of one another

with love stronger than a child has for their mother

we the bridegroom and the bride long to start

a life where we never have to be apart.

©Simone Holloway, 2015

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I See Great Things

In my future, its great things I see

I see great things in my future

I only have high hopes for me

This year is going to go a lot smoother

For me this will be the best year

This will be the best year for me

I can feel good things near

So…I choose to live and let be

I’m excited to love with everything

With everything, I’ll excitedly love

This year will be filled with songs to sing

A year I can continually write of

I only expect good things in the near future, no negativity

This year is my year, my time for living free

©Simone Holloway, 2015

Featured Image Credit: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/ff/3f/6d/ff3f6d14166b35fb61c77805d21c4aa0.jpg

I Love You

This title is my confession
but based on my profession
it is customary for me to say it again
Now and then
and forever
I speak these words as an anchor
for your heart
as beautiful as a work of art
I grace these three words to you
their impact great, though their letters few
So here I go..knowing this is what my heart wants to do
Darling, I. love. you.
I loved you before you believed
In an us, in a we
I loved you before you loved yourself
When you placed our love on a shelf
I loved you when you was lost in the world
Even then I wanted to be your girl
And all in all my love remained true
I love you despite all we've been through
I love you now
I love you not knowing how
my love will affect those around me
but whatever will be, will be
You see?
Darling, I can't live my life based on others opinions
on what they determine are my sins
I can't decide who to love based on a consensus
because then there would be no us
Maybe I'm biased
but with you I am my boldest
And I can't allow other's brief distrust
to ruin the greatest
love I have ever known
seeds of beautiful change have been sown
And as if that isn't enough
I might just
up the ante on this bet I have on us two
and say for the rest of eternity, I will love you
Yes I will
When all the earth stands still
And the wonder of the seas begins to cease
and the world ponders if there is still peace
I will still love you
in fact my love grew
over the years
as situations bottled our tears
and we had to make an alliance
as tough times came to rob the essence
of our love
like a dove
who waited to be released from it's hiding place
so that it could face
what was to come
we too waited from
the sidelines so that we could
understanding that we should
love each other with everything
regardless of who was asking
I will love you when your spirit decides to go away
knowing that you can no longer stay
in the earth with me
as you pass into eternity
I will still love you
There's nothing else that I'll rather do
Then, now and forever
my love will be your anchor
it will be sturdy and well-fixed
well-mixed
with patience and honesty
designed for you and me
I did, I do, and I will
love you for eternity
© Simone Holloway, 2015

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