The Letter

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers- 

My thoughts are hot of the presses and I’m excited to share with you the raw, the real and the now.  Today was all about cleaning.  I recently moved home to prep for my next, but for the last three weeks or so, I’ve been sleeping with boxes all around me.  Clothes are strewn all over the floor as my anxiety is increasingly heightened by not being able to find what I want to wear.  Tucked in a corner is a plastic bag full of paper: scriptures, prophecies, business cards, song lyrics, and other pages are all gathered in a messy heap ready to be sorted by yours truly.

As I reached my hand into the bag, I pulled out a letter I wrote to God about five years ago.  This letter was one of gratitude, thanking Him for always being with me and for showing me the road ahead.  At the end of the letter, I began to thank God for my ex, the possibility of our children (what we discussed together) and the businesses we would run as we took over the world for good.  I was thanking God for the life I thought He commissioned for me, the life I thought I would live.  Fast forward five years, and I do not have that life.  I am not with that person anymore, I do not have any children and those businesses do not exist.  My life now doesn’t match the hope for my life in that letter.  It’s crazy how things change.  Who knew that 11 mos ago, I would enter into a season of singleness, would forsake all desire for children and would find myself trying to figure out what I was going to do. Once upon a time, I was so sure, now I’m peering into the future like “God is this really for me?  “Can we actually do this?”  Can we actually dream again about this buried desire: the desire to be both wife and mother. Can we return here?  In gentleness, He whispers “Yes.  Yes, we can.”  “We can revisit this place in your heart, my love,  do not be afraid.”

“But How?”  my hearts screams out.  “How can we return to a place I never got to.  I almost got there, I thought I was there but I failed… I never got there.”  In love, He grabs my hand and whispers, “Your only failure would have been to marry someone who was never designed to love you.  To procreate with someone who did not have the capacity to be a father and to enter into a business partnership with someone with no integrity.  Babygirl, you did not fail.  You succeeded!  For you chose your future over your present and you chose what was hard over what was easy.  You said Yes even though the cost was your heart. You, my dear, can return to this place…”

Today, I look at the letter as an obituary of the life I thought I would live.  I mourn the union someone promised, the blueprints for businesses I envisioned and the picture-perfect family described.  I mourn what I thought I needed to be complete, to be whole.  I mourn what I thought I wanted to secure happiness.  I have found that my “Yes” to God has always been the answer.  I’ve found that my ability to walk away from what I prayed for is what makes me brave, my ability to be grateful in the new, in the unknown is what gives me strength and my sweet surrender is what makes me His, and His alone.  I cry as I reflect on the past but I am so hopeful for the future, because anything we give up for Christ including our dreams, He returns it 100 fold in this lifetime and the life to come.  I don’t know why I am sharing my process with you.  I wish I had some neat and tidy ending that describe this perfect healing process but I don’t.  All I have is the truth, and the truth is God is good even when our hearts are broken.  God is good even when plans change.  God is good even when we don’t understand our way.  In every season, in every moment, He is good and that in itself is worthy of a simple ‘Thank you!” 

He’s good, He’s God and because I’m His, I am going to be okay.

Xoxo,

Simone

FIC: http://kaizenjournaling.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/large_3584131250.jpg

The Revised Letter to My Ten-Year Old Self

Hello Authentic Lovers,

Maybe a month and a half ago, I published an article called “Dear Ten- Year Old Self” it was letter full of regret and angst at my current love life. It was my way of saying that I was destined to be alone, which is totally not true. It was probably the most depressing piece of literature I have ever written; it was REALLY depressing.

So today…I was in my kitchen thinking about the last few articles written and decided that my perception of love and how I’ve experienced it has darkened my views.  Love is not as bad as I have made it out to be. In fact, love is a beautiful gift that should be treasured and acquired by many.  Those who are hurting, project this image of a broken world because of their own brokenness and that is the image I was projecting- an image of brokenness.  I was so broken, to the point that I thought I could not be repaired; but God works with things that seem to be impossible, things that cannot be salvaged. He relishes in the lost causes. I thought I was a lost cause, a tragic story that had no hope in its ending- I was wrong. I was so wrong about God, about love and about myself. I saw myself as weak, vulnerable, a victim- a target just waiting for the next broken heart, but that is not who I am.  I am not weak, fragile, broken; I’ve been made whole and should live my life as such. I was not the same little girl that always felt unloved, nor did I have the same little heart that had been smashed into a million pieces- I was no longer her. The funny thing about life is that sometimes little people grow up battling the same demons, feeling the same way, going through the same motions of childhood, of adolescence.

As I’m writing to you, I feel a sense of rebirth and renewal- something that my middle name (Renee) means but I have yet to truly experience.  I sense this difference in mindset and I’ve come to understand that the same God I thought wanted to hinder love from me was the same God begging for me to receive His love.  God has loved me from the beginning of time and yet I sought after this love in people, in places, in things. I’ve searched for my prince charming, like a princess without a home; when I had a prince waiting for me to embrace the gift of His life. You know, sometimes we have to hurt- we have to experience pain to learn a lesson, to truly move forward.

Pain is not a curse but rather a gift, a signal to instruct us that we are in the wrong place- that we shouldn’t be comfortable with what we have. Pain distinguishes what is good and bad for us and therefore comes in handy.  I was seeing pain as this obsolete apparition that followed me into every stage of life, but rather pain was making me and shaping me into the strong young woman I have become.  Pain was my blessing and it’s life lessons have helped me grow.

So if I could write a new letter to myself at ten, I would say “Stay the same- be you!” Yes, there will be pain.  Yes, people will hurt you. Yes, at times you will feel alone- but remain true to yourself. Love with everything inside of you and realize that the prince you seek so badly is waiting for you with His arms outstretched, waiting to give you His life. Today, I am loved. I am strong. I am fearless. Does that mean I have everything together? No. Does that mean that I don’t have more learning to do? Oh course not! But I am not longer the victim, waiting for my demise. I am the victor, the one that overcame and chose to love in spite of.  I am no longer broken, I am whole. This is who I am and I don’t apologize for living my life as such.

If you’ve felt like me once upon a time in your life, I would love to hear about it! Feel free to share your thoughts with me. I hope that this post tonight encourages you and helps you realize that you are stronger than you think. I believe in you! I believe in your dreams and ambitions. I believe in the greatness of what you was created to be. Lastly, I believe in the power of your love. I know that your love can change the world for the better. Love is powerful, the same way it can be used to destroy is the same way it can be used to heal. Love healed me. God’s love healed me and it made into the person that I am today. I believe in your love. If you need anything- someone to talk to or just a friend,  you can reach me via email: authenticlove789@gmail.com, like my page on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/authenticlove789. Follow me on Twitter @framesofdust8 and finally join my Instagram family: @lawnmusic578. I can’t wait to hear from you and we’ll speak soon!

Until next time,
Mo 🙂

Dear Ten Year Old Self

Dear Ten-Year Old Self,

I decided to write you a letter.  It’s been awhile since we have spoken- I’ve been extremely busy.  You know, I’m in my twenties now.  I guess you can say that not much has changed since we last spoken.  I’m a little bit taller, a few shades darker- but my hopes and dreams are the same.  My love for life is the same, my desire to laugh every moment I’m breathing is the same and my affinity for music is also the same.  I remember when you used to look in the mirror, and breathe just to keep your heart calm.  I still do that, when I’m anxious- I sit in front of the mirror and take deep breaths  * breathe in * * breathe out*.  I  remember you looking at life filled with love.  You used to look at you parents and say “One day, I’m going to have what they have.”  You just knew that someone was going to love you.  You just knew….  I remember when you would pray to God for your love.  You wanted someone to love you, to make you laugh and someone to cook for you because you always said “Why cook when someone can cook for me?”,  You wanted a love that was lively as you were.  I remember you loving with all of your heart and expecting only good to come back to you. I remember you being happy, very happy,,,, 

Well, then you grew up and realized that life is not what you thought it was.  You realized that life was not a fairy-tale, there is no happily ever afters.  You began to see that the love you would give others would not be reciprocated back to you. It’ll never be reciprocated… You’ll be used, abused and mistreated.  You’ll be neglected and cast aside,  You smile would be stolen from you and your wish to be loved left unanswered.  The light you saw in the world would darken and rejection clouded your vision.

 You became the girl, no one wanted to love.  You became the girl. no one wanted to fight for,  You became the girl, no one wanted to pursue and then you felt yourself falling back into that cocoon.  The place where you sought to keep yourself safe because if you acted like you didn’t care- no one could hurt you.  No one could get under your skin, you was untouchable.

So yes… honey, you grew up and you realized that some are blessed to be loved and some never get the privilege.  Those who can’t, teach because what they desire so much is restricted by God.  He stood and closed His hand- love was not given.  It was not given to you and it was in that moment that you realized that like most dreamers- maybe…just maybe,  you was created to be alone.

Those who can’t have, learn to always let go…

-M