Dear Ten Year Old Self

Dear Ten-Year Old Self,

I decided to write you a letter.  It’s been awhile since we have spoken- I’ve been extremely busy.  You know, I’m in my twenties now.  I guess you can say that not much has changed since we last spoken.  I’m a little bit taller, a few shades darker- but my hopes and dreams are the same.  My love for life is the same, my desire to laugh every moment I’m breathing is the same and my affinity for music is also the same.  I remember when you used to look in the mirror, and breathe just to keep your heart calm.  I still do that, when I’m anxious- I sit in front of the mirror and take deep breaths  * breathe in * * breathe out*.  I  remember you looking at life filled with love.  You used to look at you parents and say “One day, I’m going to have what they have.”  You just knew that someone was going to love you.  You just knew….  I remember when you would pray to God for your love.  You wanted someone to love you, to make you laugh and someone to cook for you because you always said “Why cook when someone can cook for me?”,  You wanted a love that was lively as you were.  I remember you loving with all of your heart and expecting only good to come back to you. I remember you being happy, very happy,,,, 

Well, then you grew up and realized that life is not what you thought it was.  You realized that life was not a fairy-tale, there is no happily ever afters.  You began to see that the love you would give others would not be reciprocated back to you. It’ll never be reciprocated… You’ll be used, abused and mistreated.  You’ll be neglected and cast aside,  You smile would be stolen from you and your wish to be loved left unanswered.  The light you saw in the world would darken and rejection clouded your vision.

 You became the girl, no one wanted to love.  You became the girl. no one wanted to fight for,  You became the girl, no one wanted to pursue and then you felt yourself falling back into that cocoon.  The place where you sought to keep yourself safe because if you acted like you didn’t care- no one could hurt you.  No one could get under your skin, you was untouchable.

So yes… honey, you grew up and you realized that some are blessed to be loved and some never get the privilege.  Those who can’t, teach because what they desire so much is restricted by God.  He stood and closed His hand- love was not given.  It was not given to you and it was in that moment that you realized that like most dreamers- maybe…just maybe,  you was created to be alone.

Those who can’t have, learn to always let go…

-M

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