Miracle Child

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

Lately my articles have been about the plague of loneliness, something I have dealt with since I was 7 years old.  Can you imagine dealing with the same demon for 14 years? I’ve been tormented with the same devil all through childhood, teenage years and college.  The same demon in different forms, used by different people, but the same strategy- isolation to breed depression to create suicide.  The same demon, the same strategy and just different situations.  This weekend was probably the most depressing weekend, I have had since what I dubbed the “dark ages”  ( the period of time that I was so depressed that I contemplated death every single day. ). Can you imagine spending all of  your time thinking of ways to die?  Can you?  It’s a miracle that I am still alive- in fact my being on the earth is a miracle. I am a walking miracle, more special than the rarest stone on the earth but I just didn’t know it, I didn’t know how valuable I truly was.  Some may  be asking how are you a miracle?  Well.. good thing I have time to  explain.

You see, before I was born my mom did not think that she could have children.  When she was 18 years old, she had an abortion because the guy in her life was not capable of being a father.  So my mom, made a decision that she thought was best for her and the future child.  My mom did not know and has never known her biological father, so she did not want the same life for her child.  After making that decision, it was as if something died within her.  She believed that she could not have anymore children and before she married my father, she told him that she could not give him a family.  Every year, she would count the years that the child would have been if he was still alive…the child she aborted was a boy.  My parents married and I came into their lives but I came prematurely.  I was born too small to go home with my family and because of my size was predicted to have so many mental problems.  The doctors told my mother that I wouldn’t learn as well as others, that I would not be able to function socially and that my body would forever be weak prone to disease and sickness.  I was 4 lbs and 6 oz.…tiny, feeble and weak.  I was born vulnerable, but I was a miracle to my parents- the child they never thought they could have.

When you don’t understand your purpose, you’re quick to destroy it.  You’re quick to allow things to tell you what you aren’t and who you will never become.  It was the same with me, I was a miracle child that didn’t know that every breath I took was the grace of God extended towards me.  Every step I took as a child was a miracle, every time I made an A in a class I was experiencing a miracle. Every speech ever made, every dance ever performed, every spectacular venture I engaged in was a miracle.   The fact that I graduated from college early was a miracle.

 I was a walking miracle, yet for years I wanted to end my own life.  I was a walking miracle, yet I hated the way I looked.  I was a walking miracle yet I believed that I was not loved.  I allowed loneliness and rejection to kill me on the inside, to destroy my identity.

I place so much emphasis on this section of my life because there are so many people out there that was just like me, walking miracles- walking packages of greatness but have succumbed to depression/loneliness/rejection.  There are people who the had all of the odds stacked against them but have conquered and yet they believe that no one loves them and that no one cares.   There are people like me who have worked in ministry and have poured into others and yet they themselves are empty and battling real demons on a daily basis….

I want to talk to those who were like me, worth so much and yet felt like so little. YOU ARE LOVED.  You are deeply, selflessly and honestly loved by someone who is bigger than the universe. You are loved by the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.  You are loved.  You are loved by people all across the world who don’t even speak your language, yet they are praying for you and for your well-being.  You are a walking miracle, destined for greatness. I love you and I understand what you are going through because I lived it – I lived in your shoes and I’m journeying with you now.  “For lo I am with you always, even until the end of the world” Matthew 28:20. He’s always with you- you are loved by Him.  

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

Featured Image Credit: http://www.kapital971.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/premature-baby.jpg

Dead Man Walking

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

Yesterday I posted one of the most depressing article known to man.  I felt dead on the inside, numb and just plain exhausted.   Have you ever been in a place emotionally where it seemed like to feel was the worst option ever?  Like it hurts to feel?  I was in that place, a dead man walking and just going through the motions because I had to- never really expressing the deep hurt that was in my heart.  I was so angry with God, angry that my life wasn’t turning out the way I imagined, angry that I kept experiencing hurt from those I have given love to  and angry that no one could see that I was dead- a dead man walking.  I was just plain angry; sitting in  a church that was telling me to hope and believe, that God understood how I was feeling, that everything was going to work out.  As I sat in the church, I became more angry…I became so infuriated that I refused to worship.  I refused to pray or praise or give thanks- I did not want to be connected to God.  I did not want to have anything to do with Him.  Like a professional, I slowly disconnected my spirit from Him- I was committing suicide, I wanted to die. 

It’s crazy how in our dark times, we realize what we are made of.  It’s in the moments of hopelessness that we understand the gift of hope, in sorrow we understand joy and in chaos we understand the importance of peace.  It’s not until we are dead in our spirits that we seek to live more than ever before.  I wanted to heal but was broken so bad, I didn’t think I could be whole.  I wanted to live but I thought I was too far gone for a resurrection.  I wanted to be happy but I made sadness apart of my daily routine, the coat that shielded me from the world,  I wanted nothing to do with God but He wanted everything to do with me…

Out of His love and compassion, He came by my side and poured His love on me.  He helped me to let go of all the hurt , He touched my heart and He loved me.   He made me come alive!

I realized yesterday that I don’t want to pretend in life.  I don’t want to say I’m okay when I’m not, I don’t want to smile when I’m crying on the inside.  I’m tired of battling things behind closed doors, the demons of loneliness and rejection that comes to kill me and muffle my voice. So yesterday, I didn’t wear the mask of the “have- it-all-together” church girl, I was honest and I became free,  True freedom comes through honesty. Keep your eyes open because they may be some around you who are dead men walking

Until next time,

Mo 🙂