Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-
Lately my articles have been about the plague of loneliness, something I have dealt with since I was 7 years old. Can you imagine dealing with the same demon for 14 years? I’ve been tormented with the same devil all through childhood, teenage years and college. The same demon in different forms, used by different people, but the same strategy- isolation to breed depression to create suicide. The same demon, the same strategy and just different situations. This weekend was probably the most depressing weekend, I have had since what I dubbed the “dark ages” ( the period of time that I was so depressed that I contemplated death every single day. ). Can you imagine spending all of your time thinking of ways to die? Can you? It’s a miracle that I am still alive- in fact my being on the earth is a miracle. I am a walking miracle, more special than the rarest stone on the earth but I just didn’t know it, I didn’t know how valuable I truly was. Some may be asking how are you a miracle? Well.. good thing I have time to explain.
You see, before I was born my mom did not think that she could have children. When she was 18 years old, she had an abortion because the guy in her life was not capable of being a father. So my mom, made a decision that she thought was best for her and the future child. My mom did not know and has never known her biological father, so she did not want the same life for her child. After making that decision, it was as if something died within her. She believed that she could not have anymore children and before she married my father, she told him that she could not give him a family. Every year, she would count the years that the child would have been if he was still alive…the child she aborted was a boy. My parents married and I came into their lives but I came prematurely. I was born too small to go home with my family and because of my size was predicted to have so many mental problems. The doctors told my mother that I wouldn’t learn as well as others, that I would not be able to function socially and that my body would forever be weak prone to disease and sickness. I was 4 lbs and 6 oz.…tiny, feeble and weak. I was born vulnerable, but I was a miracle to my parents- the child they never thought they could have.
When you don’t understand your purpose, you’re quick to destroy it. You’re quick to allow things to tell you what you aren’t and who you will never become. It was the same with me, I was a miracle child that didn’t know that every breath I took was the grace of God extended towards me. Every step I took as a child was a miracle, every time I made an A in a class I was experiencing a miracle. Every speech ever made, every dance ever performed, every spectacular venture I engaged in was a miracle. The fact that I graduated from college early was a miracle.
I was a walking miracle, yet for years I wanted to end my own life. I was a walking miracle, yet I hated the way I looked. I was a walking miracle yet I believed that I was not loved. I allowed loneliness and rejection to kill me on the inside, to destroy my identity.
I place so much emphasis on this section of my life because there are so many people out there that was just like me, walking miracles- walking packages of greatness but have succumbed to depression/loneliness/rejection. There are people who the had all of the odds stacked against them but have conquered and yet they believe that no one loves them and that no one cares. There are people like me who have worked in ministry and have poured into others and yet they themselves are empty and battling real demons on a daily basis….
I want to talk to those who were like me, worth so much and yet felt like so little. YOU ARE LOVED. You are deeply, selflessly and honestly loved by someone who is bigger than the universe. You are loved by the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. You are loved. You are loved by people all across the world who don’t even speak your language, yet they are praying for you and for your well-being. You are a walking miracle, destined for greatness. I love you and I understand what you are going through because I lived it – I lived in your shoes and I’m journeying with you now. “For lo I am with you always, even until the end of the world” Matthew 28:20. He’s always with you- you are loved by Him.
Until next time,
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