The Letter

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers- 

My thoughts are hot off the presses and I’m excited to share with you the raw, the real and the now.  Today was all about cleaning.  I recently moved home to prep for my next, but for the last three weeks or so, I’ve been sleeping with boxes all around me.  Clothes are strewn all over the floor as my anxiety is increasingly heightened by not being able to find what I want to wear.  Tucked in a corner is a plastic bag full of paper: scriptures, prophecies, business cards, song lyrics, and other pages are all gathered in a messy heap ready to be sorted by yours truly.

As I reached my hand into the bag, I pulled out a letter I wrote to God about five years ago.  This letter was one of gratitude, thanking Him for always being with me and for showing me the road ahead.  At the end of the letter, I began to thank God for my ex, the possibility of our children (what we discussed together) and the businesses we would run as we took over the world for good.  I was thanking God for the life I thought He commissioned for me, the life I thought I would live.  Fast forward five years, and I do not have that life.  I am not with that person anymore, I do not have any children and those businesses do not exist.  My life now doesn’t match the hope for my life in that letter.  It’s crazy how things change.  Who knew that 11 mos ago, I would enter into a season of singleness, would forsake all desire for children and would find myself trying to figure out what I was going to do. Once upon a time, I was so sure, now I’m peering into the future like “God is this really for me?  “Can we actually do this?”  Can we actually dream again about this buried desire: the desire to be both wife and mother. Can we return here?  In gentleness, He whispers “Yes.  Yes, we can.”  “We can revisit this place in your heart, my love,  do not be afraid.”

“But How?”  my hearts screams out.  “How can we return to a place I never got to.  I almost got there, I thought I was there but I failed… I never got there.”  In love, He grabs my hand and whispers, “Your only failure would have been to marry someone who was never designed to love you.  To procreate with someone who did not have the capacity to be a father and to enter into a business partnership with someone with no integrity.  Babygirl, you did not fail.  You succeeded!  For you chose your future over your present and you chose what was hard over what was easy.  You said Yes even though the cost was your heart. You, my dear, can return to this place…”

Today, I look at the letter as an obituary of the life I thought I would live.  I mourn the union someone promised, the blueprints for businesses I envisioned and the picture-perfect family described.  I mourn what I thought I needed to be complete, to be whole.  I mourn what I thought I wanted to secure happiness.  I have found that my “Yes” to God has always been the answer.  I’ve found that my ability to walk away from what I prayed for is what makes me brave, my ability to be grateful in the new, in the unknown is what gives me strength and my sweet surrender is what makes me His, and His alone.  I cry as I reflect on the past but I am so hopeful for the future, because anything we give up for Christ including our dreams, He returns it 100 fold in this lifetime and the life to come.  I don’t know why I am sharing my process with you.  I wish I had some neat and tidy ending that describe this perfect healing process but I don’t.  All I have is the truth, and the truth is God is good even when our hearts are broken.  God is good even when plans change.  God is good even when we don’t understand our way.  In every season, in every moment, He is good and that in itself is worthy of a simple ‘Thank you!” 

He’s good, He’s God and because I’m His, I am going to be okay.

Xoxo,

Simone

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Daydreaming

I stay dreaming… daydreaming

zoning, refocusing, imagining,

Paris on a clear summer night.

Sweet gardenia’s fill the air and

people around would stop and stare, care, desire to bare-

the concerns that pass between you and I.

Hand in hand, electricity as we stand, in a world full of masks.

I thought this would pass but even paradise can’t erase the past.

If only it was raining, then maybe romance would fuel forgiveness,

but the restoration we seek can’t be found in the weather.

My perfect dream becomes another perfect nightmare,

as I realize that reality burnt that bridge of us together.

Parisian perfection sadly cannot perfect what appeared to be a perfect partnership.

I guess that ship has sailed… oh well,

we will forever have our day dreams.

©Simone Holloway, 2017

 

 

 

The Process

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

It’s Thursday! We are one step closer to the weekend and I could not be more excited.  I was talking to a friend of mine about my feelings concerning law school, and I explained to him that I truly desire to be a lawyer- it’s just that the process of becoming one is taking a toll on me.

So… I was thinking, how many of us give up on our dreams because of the process it takes to gain them? 

Whoa… that was a profound question, right?  I know.  This was the question that came to me when I contemplated quitting law school, as I contemplated forfeiting my dream.  Don’t get me wrong, sometimes we need to let things go: we need to walk away to grow as individuals.  However, what about the times we walk away from things because of the process?  Sometimes life becomes tougher than we imagined so we forfeit, we surrender in the middle of the game.  If I am honest with myself, I think of how much it took to get into school.  I remember a period of time when not one law school wanted me.  I remember the rejection letters coming  into my mailbox and I remember feeling like law school was never going to happen.  I remember those days….  So why would I give this dream, that I worked hard for – that I sacrificed in blood, sweat and tears for – up? Why would I forfeit what God has placed into my hands?

You know… we as a society do not like pain.  At the mention of pain or suffering, we become uncomfortable. Pain is bad, comfort is good!  However, what if I told you that being comfortable does not equate growth.  What if I told you that in actuality, comfortability can be one of the worse things for growing strong?  Hmm… how so? Well, think about it!  If I fell and broke my ankle but did not feel the pain, how would I know that I needed my ankle to heal?  Or if I wore clothes that were too small for me but never felt the discomfort of this clothing, how would I know that I needed new clothes.  It’s okay to feel pain, it’s okay to feel discomfort- to be faced with adversity because at the end of the day, adversity reveals how strong we truly are.  Adversity shapes our growth and all of these life lessons are learned during that process.

Ladies and gents…

Let us not become bogged down in the process of becoming who God has created us to be.

Let us not allow the hard times to propel us to give up what God has placed into our hands- let us continue to move forward!

“And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.”

-Galatians 6:9.

One day, we are going to get what God has promised us.  One day, we are going to find ourselves operating in our dreams, walking in manifestation of our ideas, listening to our music, reading our books and we are going to find ourselves witnessing the faithfulness of God.  Who knows, that one day could be tomorrow if we do not give up!  I just want to encourage you all to stay at the grind, keep working toward God has placed within your heart.  You can do this!!! If you were unable to fulfill your dream, God would have never given it to you. He believes in you, so believe in yourself and survive the process!

Until next time,

Simone

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Nerves & Excitement

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers – 

This is finally happening. I am leaving home to pursue a career in law.  I move from my parent’s house to my own place in a few days and I am filled with nerves, excitement, and a whole bunch of feelings that I cannot even begin to understand.  I thought I would be facing this moment a couple of years ago, but the plan of God was different and He destined that I leave this year to begin that phase of my future.

As I think about the days to come, I am speechless as I grasp the idea of leaving my family, church family and all I know behind.  I’m utterly on my own, alone as I push toward my dreams.I am going to a place that my friends cannot go with me, even the one I loved more than life could not go and I’ve been placed in a position where it’s me and God for the long run.  I tried to busy myself so I would not have to grapple with these facts, thinking that if my mind is not idle- I can pretend that this transition did not effect me.  But as I am writing this evening, I feel tears threatening to be released from the prison of my eyes- I realize that this is it! This is exactly what I asked  for, prayed for , believed for… and instead of fear I should be filled with courage as i walk into this new place.

Courage.  I want to be courageous- I’ve been prepping for these days for two years and have met more hardships than anyone would ever understand.  I found out over the span of two years who were my friends and who were counterfeits.  I discovered that the word family means different things to different people.  I became guarded. I dumped the practice of being naive and I learned that in life you have to fight for what you want and sometimes you just have to cry it out.  You have to cry out disappoint, you have to cry out fear, you have to cry  and shed as many tears as possible to cleanse the soul.  Sometimes you have to cry to heal and sometimes you have to walk alone so that you can finally learn yourself.

There comes a time in our lives where we have to love ourselves first, so that we can love others.  There comes a time when we have to believe in our dreams, when no one else does.  Finally, sometimes we have to become prisoners of hope and hope for the best regardless of how everything around us is trying to steal that hope.  I fought for where I am, a J.D. candidate in the class of 2019 and I have so much more fighting to do.  I will fight until the end when I am sitting on a judge’s seat making the wrongs of our society right again.  Becoming a lawyer is the next step in the line of many  and the best is yet to come.

So loves, I thought I would share my heart with you this evening and bring encouragement regarding your dreams.  I know life has been tough, believe me I do – but I know that each and every one of you have the power within to change the world.  I believe in your dreams.  I believe in your ability to bring them to pass.  I believe that inside of you is a purpose greater than what you see for yourself and I am excited yet nervous at how you are going to bring your imprint of change to the earth.  I love you guys!

Thanks for being my family, for sharing your lives with me and for welcoming me into your lives as well.  Most importantly, thanks for sticking with me when I did not believe in myself.  Thank you Authentic Lovers!!!

Until next time ( when my workload gets a bit easier lol.),

Simone

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Mourning

My dream died yesterday...
he drew his last breath
and I cried....and I cried....and I cried
my dream, my child, my love -died.
so I tried to get myself together
as shock took over me
but as I laid my dreams to rest, a little bit of me
was buried with him and I too died
I died on the inside
in the hollows of my heart, I passed away
and I saw her, my optimistic self at rest
in the casket with hope and belief
as I performed my own eulogy
I too need peace.
As she and he passed into eternity
so did I
yesterday was the day a little piece of me died.
©Simone Holloway, 2015

Featured Image Credit: http://manifesta10.org/media/uploads/images/mourne.gif.1024x768_q95_detail_upscale.jpg

The Heat From The Speed

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers- 

I’m sort of a night owl even though I know I should go to bed, especially since I had to get up for work this morning.  Anyways…I was having a chat with the Lord around 12:45 this morning, asking Him why it seems like for my life things take so long to get off the ground.  I was reflecting on the fact that He used me to speak into someone’s life, and I have witnessed God’s word come to pass so quickly that it slightly baffled me.  God did a quick work in their lives, and then I began to reflect on my own life and think, “What’s taking God so long???”

The Holy Spirit began to speak to me in that moment about rockets…guys I know nothing about rockets or missiles, except that they go far in to the atmosphere at a very high speed.  The Holy Spirit began speaking to me about a rocket taking off, and how a rocket takes off at such a high speed that the vessel itself becomes super hot. The speed of the launch creates the intensity of the temperature.  So if the rocket was not built correctly, or if it’s foundation vessel was super weak; the heat would destroy the vessel in the middle of the launch.  SO I , not really missing my physics class at this moment thought out loud, “So what does this have to do with me?”  And immediately, the Lord replied; “I had to take time to build you, to make you strong so that when I launch you in my divine plan, heat from the speed doesn’t destroy you.”  “If I allowed you to be launched into purpose without a strong foundation, as soon as  things got tough- you would break and never make it to your next place in me.” 

Sometimes, we look at our lives compared to others and feel a sense of discouragement.  Why does it seem like I have to work for everything?  But those around me are freely given amazing opportunities?  Why does it seem like I am always lacking resources?  When others have what they need to make the difference they desire?  Sometimes, it seems like life isn’t fair.  

I encourage you to realize that God is working in your life.  He is building the foundation so that when He launches you, you don’t crumble at the speed by which He turns things around in your life.  Don’t despise the process.  Stop comparing your life with others (something that I am working on now! ).  Understand that God’s plan is great, no matter what it entails and that His ways are always right.

Be encouraged and please write me, I love hearing from you guys!

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

Featured Image Credit: http://fc09.deviantart.net/fs23/i/2007/343/0/3/Rocket_launch_by_Baietu.jpg

Dreamin’

I see you in my dreams

I hear your voice

my memory’s having a spasm

as your face flashes across my mind

your name is on my heart

I don’t know why

I don’t have any answers

All I know is that my mind is wrapped

around you

&

only you

my mind and my heart is on you

That smile

Those eyes

That laugh

OH MY GOSH….it’s like a gift from God

An early Christmas

You

I can’t wait

to see

you

❤ Mo

(c) Simone Holloway, 2014.

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A Limitless God

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

So…today is a day filled with happiness and an abundance of joy.  I hope that all of you are relishing in this joy as much as I am.  I wanted to discuss limits with you all since we live in a world filled with limitations.  Some limitations are placed upon us from society and the boundaries of the law,  some limitations are placed upon us by our parents and those who love us, and some limitations are placed upon us by ourselves and our own insecurities.  Whichever category we fit in, there are still limitations that we have to address everyday.  The fact that God is limitless, makes me love him even more.  God is not limited by our environments, family backgrounds, insecurities, education and etc.  He is not limited by our own inadequacies, struggles or personal dilemmas.  With God, there is no limits.  That being said, I encourage you to get on His team and dream beyond what you can see now.  I dare you to hope for the future and to believe that you can do some amazing things.  I encourage you to embrace the greatness that is within you because with God that greatness can become your reality.  You can change the world.  Embrace a limitless God, because He is waiting to embrace you!

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

Go Farther!

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers –

Today has been a long day.  A good day, but long!  I want to encourage you guys to go farther than the limitations that has been placed before you.  I know its late and you guys also had a long day, but I want you guys to know that you can go farther.  You can go farther than the limitations placed upon you from family, education, income, and even the limitations you have placed upon yourself.  You can go farther, do greater and achieve more than anything that you can ever imagine.  Dream big because a small mindset will limit you from being the best you can be.  I challenge you to go farther!

I hope you guys are having a restful evening and we’ll speak tomorrow!

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

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