In Love With The Idea.

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers

I hope you all are having a great evening!  It’s been a great day for me and I am super pumped about sharing my thoughts with you.  Those who know me, know that I love films.  I love all films but I have a special place in my heart for black cinema, especially films that celebrate black love.  I’m the girl that has seen Brown Sugar way too many times.  I’m the girl that understands Darius’ pain in Love Jones; that wanted to fight for my man like Monica in Love & Basketball; and who knows how secrets can potentially kill friendships like in The Best Man.  Movies such as Just Wright taught me how looking for my preference can get me in so much trouble and Beyond the Lights encouraged me to believe that my person would indeed “see me.”  Unfortunately, life is not like the movies and sometimes there is no happy ending.  Sometimes we find true love and then sometimes we find ourselves in love with the idea of love.

I love love.  Yep, I love all things that pertain to love.  I love connection, friendships, familial and romantic relationships.  I love the way love makes us feel and how brave we are when we’re loved well.  I love hearing how people connected and about the exact moment, they knew their soul found its home in each other.  I love love.  Yet, it is this rose-colored ideal that caused me to confuse infatuation with love.  I would confuse my butterflies in the relationship to equate to falling in love when we all know that is not the case.  Love is more than desire, it’s more than that “can’t eat, can’t sleep, reach for the stars” type of stuff.  Love is sacrifice and commitment; it’s hella messy and full of risk.  Love is safety and vulnerability; the ability to just be with your partner.  That my dear is love.

Once upon a time, I was in love or so I thought.  I loved this young man and even considered marrying him.  I thought about taking his last name, and I thought about him being the father of my children.  In my heart, I convinced myself that I loved him.  And I did, in part. I loved the idea of him.  I loved the idea of him being my forever partner, the idea that I would no longer wake up alone.  I loved the idea that we would conquer the world together, that I would finally have a teammate.  The idea of loving him was so wonderful that I convinced myself that I loved him.  Since I was committed to my love of this idea when he lied or cheated- I forgave and took him back because I loved him.  He didn’t love me well, but I “loved”  him.  I remember realizing this as I prepped for a wedding and then I knew:  “homegirl, loving an idea will never make you love him fully.”   You can love an idea for eternity but that does not mean that this idea is great for you or your future.  Life is nothing like the movies, we cannot manipulate our situations to give us this picturesque ending.  Sometimes, things don’t work; sometimes, things do. You can’t force the fit, either it works or it doesn’t.

So I have a couple of questions for you:  Do you love them?  Or, do you love the idea of them? If you truly love someone, you will love them for who they are and not for who you would like for them to be.  Love says I’m down for the ride regardless of your brokenness, issues, strengths, and weaknesses.  Love says the real you is accepted with me.  Love says truth is more important than comfort.  Love protects, never gives up, and covers a multitude of faults.  Love is more than a feeling, it’s a choice.  A free-will choice.

So, do you love them or are you in love with the idea of who they should be?

Xoxo,

Simone 

FIC: https://cdn.fstoppers.com/styles/full/s3/comment/2014/12/03/14457559557_1f3cd6643e_o_1.jpg?itok=cK8gQjUl

Do You Know What’s Attractive?

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers- 

What’s up family?  Happy Friday!  Ladies and Gents, I’ve been in this really dope space where I’ve returned to the dating market.  Let’s just say that dating in 2019 is interesting, to say the least.  What I’ve learned in my short time back on the market is that we live in a culture that is obsessed with determining attraction.  We present our best selves on dates to be seen as attractive. We speak on relevant subjects to appear to be intellectually attractive. We make sure that we have a dope sense of humor because that would make our personalities more attractive.  So, the men I’m meeting look amazing on paper.  They have the chiseled looks, they are super smart and can even make me laugh but there are communication issues that make them less attractive.

You know, when you’re a boss you need something more than a great resume.  You need something more than a piece of eye candy- something more than something delicious to look at.  There has to be more!  I don’t know about each of you but I’m looking for something deeper.  What are his values?  What are his dreams?  What is his vision for life?  Yeah, the degree is great but what are we doing with that.  Yeah, the nice car is impressive but how do you treat the poor?  Ok, I see you’re the hotshot here at the parties but what is your reputation like in the marketplace?  Do you have a reputation of integrity or is it corrupt because of compromise? There has to be something more.

I’ve met so many representatives.  I’ve met the all-around guy, I’ve met the creative, I’ve met the musician,  and I’ve met the one with the ten-year plan but as I lifted the curtain of what’s been presented to me,  I saw that these dudes had some real issues.  They do not know how to communicate their desires.  They do not know how to let go of their past.  They do not know how to express their insecurities.  These dudes had everything but wholeness.  So, I resolved in my heart that I was going to add emotional maturity to my list.  The thing is, I don’t blame these men for not entering into wholeness.  Their whole lives, men have been groomed to shy away from vulnerability.  They’ve been taught to communicate through physical intimacy instead of verbally expressing what is on their heart.  They have been gender-shamed for expressing feelings and ridiculed for being clear and that is not right.  I blame society, I blame the culture, and I blame the home.

Do you know what’s attractive?  Emotional wholeness.  Emotional wholeness is hella attractive.  The ability to express vulnerability, to boast in weakness and the ability to state clearly what a person will or will not allow is attractive.  Standards are attractive.  Boundaries are attractive.  Clear communication is attractive.  Radical honesty is HELLA attractive and it makes a person extremely sexy.  The ability to be direct, concise and thorough is attractive.  Integrity is attractive.  Faith in God is attractive and the ability to hear and obey the voice of God is attractive. A fun,. down to earth person is so attractive.

Do you know what’s NOT attractive? Our dysfunction is not attractive.  Our inability to communicate is not attractive.  Passive-Aggressiveness is not attractive. Nagging is not attractive.  Being overly critical and nitpicky is not attractive. Being a Debbie Downer is not attractive.  Deception is not attractive and presenting representatives instead of being ourselves is not attractive.

Be yourself.  Be more than a good resume. Loves, be attractive!

Xoxo,

Simone

In Year Three, I Should Have Left.

Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers – 

Why do we stay in awful situations?  This is the question that I woke up pondering.  Why do we stay with emotionally, mentally and physically abusive people? Why do we submit ourselves to toxic unhealthy church environments? Why do we settle into office cultures that break our spirits?  Why do we hold onto friends that don’t have our best interest at heart?  Why do we stay even when God gives us a way out, time and time again?  Why?!?!?!

I think the culture feeds us this lie that if we endure through something even though it is harmful to us then we are strong.  We label strength to the one who succumbs to emotional abuse and like a badge of honor, we celebrate those who submit to dysfunction.  We can see our sis or bro dying on the inside and express how proud we are of them for sticking it out.  How dumb is that?  To be proud of a group of people for accepting poor treatment in their lives.  We admire the woman who suffers before she is loved well.  We celebrate the toxic leaders who berate their staff but then grow into humility.  We applaud the boss who realizes that he’s been a jerk yet refuses to give an apology for the previous bad behavior.  It is in the fabric of our society to stay in things out of the name of “loyalty” and the persevering spirit of “never giving up“.

Well, Friends, loyalty to dysfunction is unhealthy.  Loyalty for loyalty’s sake is not enough for emotional wellness.  Loyalty to bad behavior is not admirable and anything that destroys esteem should not be celebrated.  To be loyal is defined as giving and showing firm and constant support or allegiance to a person or institution.  To whom or what are we loyal to?  Why?  If we are giving and showing firm and constant support to abusive people, do we believe the abuse will eventually cease?  If we are financially supporting organizations that have no integrity, should we be disappointed when we learn of the misappropriation of funds?  If we are holding down relationships that are not built on truth, should we stick it out in hopes that our partner will become all that we’ve imagined? Nah. Loyalty is not a prison and faithfulness does not give some the right to abuse time, energy and emotional wherewithal.

I was once a believer in blind loyalty.  I was “all in”  and submitted myself to people, places and things that harmed me.  I stayed with a man who emotionally abused me for years.  I made excuses for his bad behavior.  I defended the ways he hurt me.  I always resolved in my heart that he did what he did because I did something wrong.  In my mind, he held no responsibility for his actions towards me.  I excused his lying, I excused his inconsistency,  and I excused his sly comments and his ample way of making me believe that I was never enough.  I turned a blind eye and stayed with him off and on for SEVEN years.  Why the heck would I do that?  Because I was strong?  Because I was brave enough to stay?  No.  I wasn’t strong, I was weak.  I was weak in esteem.  I was weak in self-love.  I was weak.  I wasn’t brave, I was afraid.  I was a coward looking for that which was easy, that which was comfortable and it costs me years.  The bravest thing I did was leave and that my dear should be applauded.  

In year three, I should have left.

Xoxo,

Simone 

FIC: https://i.ytimg.com/vi/uAu4lwLio2E/maxresdefault.jpg

Addiction

smoke fills my lungs
exhale!
some would say I'm a walking time bomb
just waiting to E-X-P-L-O-D-E
staring at this dark brown strong drink
in one of my favorite short glasses
Oh, what am I doing here?
All alone in the back
take a swig...
exhale!
I look around and everyone seems content

the complete opposite of me
Empty and lifeless
Driven by pleasure
One- night stands...
why not?
What do I have to lose????
He walks in
His cologne, sensuality - he targets me
His brown eyes, finding mine
magnetism on his side, attaching him to me
"Can I buy you another drink?"
Nodding the approval of my destruction
And he being sent from Satan, enabled my addiction
©Simone Holloway, 2015

Tonight’s poem is written from another’s perspective- one who is lifeless and empty: stuck into this addictive mindset, thriving off the high of destruction.  I don’t drink, smoke and I’m still a virgin- but I believe that we all have sabotaging things in our lives that cause our downfall and when we are empty, we succumb to these vices.  In our loneliness we are the most vulnerable and in our lack of hope- we destroy ourselves.  Tonight’s poem was kind of depressing and dark but I hope that you all can understand that those who are without love of any kind are some of the most hopeless people.  This is why I started this blog, I wanted share love to those- who were without so that they can know that someone out in the world truly cares about them.  Lately, I’ve been questioning my blog- because I noticed that viewership decreased drastically.  My voice all of sudden felt worthless and I fell to my own vices, as discontentment and emptiness began to settle into my heart.  The bible talks about casting our cares upon God because He cares about us, instead I held onto my cares- afraid that nothing I did would change my result,  Fear can rob us of some of the most meaningful moments in our lives, it can strip us of happiness and take away our joy.  This fear, loneliness and rejection is the root of many addictions and sabotaging behavior.  In an effort to not allow anyone to hurt us, we hurt ourselves.  Family and friends, if this is you that I described, I walked in your shoes and I am here for you.  If no one else cares about you, I care and I am just a prayer away.  I love you all!

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

Featured Image Credit: http://www.fahadkhan.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/addictionmain.jpg

If A Man Don’t Work, He Don’t Eat…

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

Today was an interesting day, full of new revelations and discoveries.  So as I am now in the dating world, I have realized that the guys who are interested in me don’t seem to want to work for my heart.  It’s like they assume its going to be given to them, just because I’m a girl, attractive, and single.  Not so.  It’s like they pursue, call every now and then , “hang” out and then get lazy and quit pursuing.  I was taught that if you want something in life, you better work for it.  If its worth a lot to you, then you go after it.  If it holds value then you do whatever you need to do to make sure you have it in your hands…that’s why I’m so driven and ambitious because I pursue after what I want.  I’ve come to recognize my worth so I don’t pursue after guys, I let them pursue after me.  I don’t play hard to get, I am hard to get.  I don’t tolerate crap and I don’t lower my standard for a good time- I rise above the occasion and do the work needed to achieve my goals.  I go through the process.

 I went through the process to finish college in three years.  I went through the process to get a job as a paralegal.  I went through the process to get into law school.  I went through the process to be an ordained licensed minster at 21.  I went through the process and I continually go through the process to be who I want to be;  so why those who enter into my life don’t want to  go through the process?  Why should  I give someone something without requiring anything of them?  Shouldn’t the guy in my life have to work for my heart?

I think people look at me (esp. guys) and they are like she is so laid back , so easy to win, not a challenge but darling, I’m the biggest challenge of them all.  I am not desperate or “thirsty” and my Bachelors Degree is not something I just printed off of the internet.  I have a good head on my shoulders, I’m strikingly beautiful and my anointing speaks for itself so I don’t have to settle for someone who just wants to walk in and win me haphazardly, someone who doesn’t want to go through the process.  If a man don’t work, he doesn’t eat…you have to work for what you want and that includes a person like me.

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

Featured Image: http://inspirably.com/uploads/user/6121-how-badly-you-want-something-dictates-how-hard-youll-work.png

Dating a Preacher’s Kid

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

i thought I would take some time to introduce myself to some of you guys that don’t really know me well.  Let’s see….I’m a licensed minister and I am a pastor’s daughter, both my mom and dad work as pastors in the ministry.  People are always asking, how does being in leadership and being a pk affect your dating life?  Well, the effect is great.  The “code of conduct” if you will is a list of particular rules that is used to reflect the old-fashioned model of modesty.  It’s like dating in my grandmother’s way (which is not a bad thing), it’s just that sometimes it’s hard to find guys who would submit to these rules. For example, if a guy plans on dating me- he has to speak to both of my parents, come to the door to pick me up and we must have a chaperon on the date( like an accountability partner).  These rules don’t bother me but they seem to be a problem for the guys who are interested in me.  It’s like, they are super excited to be with me but because of all the hard work- they give up and decide that they would rather pursue someone else.  So what should a girl do?  Should I go behind my parent’s back and do my own thing?  Should I lower my standards to keep him interested? Or maybe, I should live my life according to these standards and if he leaves that’s on him. Maybe I should understand that I am a girl that is worth working for.

 Maybe I should understand that diamonds are mined and that requires effort, its the same with a guy searching for my heart; it’s going to require effort.

Just maybe, I live life with a mindset that people will come in and out of your life, but those who are supposed to be there will stay.  If you are supposed to be here, you’ll stay! 

This is my dating life as a preacher’s kid, knowing that at the right time- the one who is supposed to love me will come along and he will embrace all of my parents crazy quirks and respect the code of the “first family”, the first family of the church.

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

One of the final thoughts for 2013: Insecurities, Sex, and Addiction

Before we get started in today’s post, I always said that I would be as real with you guys as possible. This blog is blog of transparency because I  believe that is a place  God wants us to reach. In this blog I’m going to share with you my own relationship insecurity and a story of a friend who allowed this same insecurity to lead her down a pathway of curiosity which developed into an addiction to pornography.  Today we’re going to discuss societal expectations regarding sex and how these expectations destroy what God deemed good. If we’re going to talk about love and relationships, we have to talk about this.

As young Christian lady I have been taught to save myself for marriage. That means no sex of any kind until I say I do.  This rule was my way of honoring God with my body. When I first took the pledge to remain abstinent, I was excited.  I felt a sense of pride and I enjoyed having something so precious all to myself. As I began to enter into relationships, I realized others didn’t hold the same standards that I did for my body or respect these standards.  The guy I loved more than anything in the world left me because I would not fulfill his sexual desires.  Crazy huh?

Now I’m about to tell you the story of my friend, she had the same story as me but she began to hate her virginity. She hated the sense of not being loved for her standard, she was tired of being cheated on so she stopped dating-she distanced herself. The porn wasn’t something she sought after, she would have never imagined traveling that road but one day she saw a movie with an explicit love scene in it and found herself desiring something more. Steamy movies turned into soft erotic pictures that led to a Google search for porn sites. Pornography became a high, her body would shake with arousal- leaving her wanting more. She was trapped. She was bound to the desires of her flesh and she was filled with shame and regret. “Want to heighten your sexual experience?” She can hear the Enemy taunting her.  ” You’re in too deep” He said, ” Even God can’t save you now.” She believed the lie, she hung her head, her body wanted another fix. ” What do I have to do?” She said. ” While you’re watching have pleasure, pleasure yourself. You don’t need a man to reach a climax – stroke yourself and with your experience heighten to a whole new level.” She needed a fix and she needed one bad so she did what she was told and still felt unsatisfied. She felt dirty, real dirty. She knew that what she was doing was wrong but she could not see herself free. She could not see herself happy and she ached to be loved. My friend talked to God and she was honest, she needed help and she knew from growing up in church that if God couldn’t help her no one could.  My friend changed her life, shut down access to her addiction and strived to be free. She called me the other day and said Mo I’m free. I’m really free.

There are people like my fried and like me all over world. In this society we have glorified sex. Sex is good. Shocker. It was created by God to be experienced between a man and woman to create a deeper sense of intimacy. Sex is two souls joining together and becoming one. The problem comes when individuals have sex outside of covenant, when they join their souls with multiple people. Once you join your soul with someone it’s hard to disconnect the soul tie.  Very hard. We have made sex such a big deal to he point we poke fun at those who keep their virginity. We justify sex before marriage with a car analogy even though a car depreciates after you drive it off the lot, sex is not supposed to depreciate- it’s supposed to appreciate. Sex is supposed to get better over time and it does with one partner over time. We want something good with no commitment. No strings attached but the souls of the individuals are attached, making this philosophy flawed. We need to reevaluate the role of sex in our society before we find ourselves a society of secret sins and addictons .

Mo
P.S My friend is closer than you think