Addiction

smoke fills my lungs
exhale!
some would say I'm a walking time bomb
just waiting to E-X-P-L-O-D-E
staring at this dark brown strong drink
in one of my favorite short glasses
Oh, what am I doing here?
All alone in the back
take a swig...
exhale!
I look around and everyone seems content

the complete opposite of me
Empty and lifeless
Driven by pleasure
One- night stands...
why not?
What do I have to lose????
He walks in
His cologne, sensuality - he targets me
His brown eyes, finding mine
magnetism on his side, attaching him to me
"Can I buy you another drink?"
Nodding the approval of my destruction
And he being sent from Satan, enabled my addiction
©Simone Holloway, 2015

Tonight’s poem is written from another’s perspective- one who is lifeless and empty: stuck into this addictive mindset, thriving off the high of destruction.  I don’t drink, smoke and I’m still a virgin- but I believe that we all have sabotaging things in our lives that cause our downfall and when we are empty, we succumb to these vices.  In our loneliness we are the most vulnerable and in our lack of hope- we destroy ourselves.  Tonight’s poem was kind of depressing and dark but I hope that you all can understand that those who are without love of any kind are some of the most hopeless people.  This is why I started this blog, I wanted share love to those- who were without so that they can know that someone out in the world truly cares about them.  Lately, I’ve been questioning my blog- because I noticed that viewership decreased drastically.  My voice all of sudden felt worthless and I fell to my own vices, as discontentment and emptiness began to settle into my heart.  The bible talks about casting our cares upon God because He cares about us, instead I held onto my cares- afraid that nothing I did would change my result,  Fear can rob us of some of the most meaningful moments in our lives, it can strip us of happiness and take away our joy.  This fear, loneliness and rejection is the root of many addictions and sabotaging behavior.  In an effort to not allow anyone to hurt us, we hurt ourselves.  Family and friends, if this is you that I described, I walked in your shoes and I am here for you.  If no one else cares about you, I care and I am just a prayer away.  I love you all!

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

Featured Image Credit: http://www.fahadkhan.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/addictionmain.jpg

If A Man Don’t Work, He Don’t Eat…

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

Today was an interesting day, full of new revelations and discoveries.  So as I am now in the dating world, I have realized that the guys who are interested in me don’t seem to want to work for my heart.  It’s like they assume its going to be given to them, just because I’m a girl, attractive, and single.  Not so.  It’s like they pursue, call every now and then , “hang” out and then get lazy and quit pursuing.  I was taught that if you want something in life, you better work for it.  If its worth a lot to you, then you go after it.  If it holds value then you do whatever you need to do to make sure you have it in your hands…that’s why I’m so driven and ambitious because I pursue after what I want.  I’ve come to recognize my worth so I don’t pursue after guys, I let them pursue after me.  I don’t play hard to get, I am hard to get.  I don’t tolerate crap and I don’t lower my standard for a good time- I rise above the occasion and do the work needed to achieve my goals.  I go through the process.

 I went through the process to finish college in three years.  I went through the process to get a job as a paralegal.  I went through the process to get into law school.  I went through the process to be an ordained licensed minster at 21.  I went through the process and I continually go through the process to be who I want to be;  so why those who enter into my life don’t want to  go through the process?  Why should  I give someone something without requiring anything of them?  Shouldn’t the guy in my life have to work for my heart?

I think people look at me (esp. guys) and they are like she is so laid back , so easy to win, not a challenge but darling, I’m the biggest challenge of them all.  I am not desperate or “thirsty” and my Bachelors Degree is not something I just printed off of the internet.  I have a good head on my shoulders, I’m strikingly beautiful and my anointing speaks for itself so I don’t have to settle for someone who just wants to walk in and win me haphazardly, someone who doesn’t want to go through the process.  If a man don’t work, he doesn’t eat…you have to work for what you want and that includes a person like me.

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

Featured Image: http://inspirably.com/uploads/user/6121-how-badly-you-want-something-dictates-how-hard-youll-work.png

Dating a Preacher’s Kid

Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-

i thought I would take some time to introduce myself to some of you guys that don’t really know me well.  Let’s see….I’m a licensed minister and I am a pastor’s daughter, both my mom and dad work as pastors in the ministry.  People are always asking, how does being in leadership and being a pk affect your dating life?  Well, the effect is great.  The “code of conduct” if you will is a list of particular rules that is used to reflect the old-fashioned model of modesty.  It’s like dating in my grandmother’s way (which is not a bad thing), it’s just that sometimes it’s hard to find guys who would submit to these rules. For example, if a guy plans on dating me- he has to speak to both of my parents, come to the door to pick me up and we must have a chaperon on the date( like an accountability partner).  These rules don’t bother me but they seem to be a problem for the guys who are interested in me.  It’s like, they are super excited to be with me but because of all the hard work- they give up and decide that they would rather pursue someone else.  So what should a girl do?  Should I go behind my parent’s back and do my own thing?  Should I lower my standards to keep him interested? Or maybe, I should live my life according to these standards and if he leaves that’s on him. Maybe I should understand that I am a girl that is worth working for.

 Maybe I should understand that diamonds are mined and that requires effort, its the same with a guy searching for my heart; it’s going to require effort.

Just maybe, I live life with a mindset that people will come in and out of your life, but those who are supposed to be there will stay.  If you are supposed to be here, you’ll stay! 

This is my dating life as a preacher’s kid, knowing that at the right time- the one who is supposed to love me will come along and he will embrace all of my parents crazy quirks and respect the code of the “first family”, the first family of the church.

Until next time,

Mo 🙂

One of the final thoughts for 2013: Insecurities, Sex, and Addiction

Before we get started in today’s post, I always said that I would be as real with you guys as possible. This blog is blog of transparency because I  believe that is a place  God wants us to reach. In this blog I’m going to share with you my own relationship insecurity and a story of a friend who allowed this same insecurity to lead her down a pathway of curiosity which developed into an addiction to pornography.  Today we’re going to discuss societal expectations regarding sex and how these expectations destroy what God deemed good. If we’re going to talk about love and relationships, we have to talk about this.

As young Christian lady I have been taught to save myself for marriage. That means no sex of any kind until I say I do.  This rule was my way of honoring God with my body. When I first took the pledge to remain abstinent, I was excited.  I felt a sense of pride and I enjoyed having something so precious all to myself. As I began to enter into relationships, I realized others didn’t hold the same standards that I did for my body or respect these standards.  The guy I loved more than anything in the world left me because I would not fulfill his sexual desires.  Crazy huh?

Now I’m about to tell you the story of my friend, she had the same story as me but she began to hate her virginity. She hated the sense of not being loved for her standard, she was tired of being cheated on so she stopped dating-she distanced herself. The porn wasn’t something she sought after, she would have never imagined traveling that road but one day she saw a movie with an explicit love scene in it and found herself desiring something more. Steamy movies turned into soft erotic pictures that led to a Google search for porn sites. Pornography became a high, her body would shake with arousal- leaving her wanting more. She was trapped. She was bound to the desires of her flesh and she was filled with shame and regret. “Want to heighten your sexual experience?” She can hear the Enemy taunting her.  ” You’re in too deep” He said, ” Even God can’t save you now.” She believed the lie, she hung her head, her body wanted another fix. ” What do I have to do?” She said. ” While you’re watching have pleasure, pleasure yourself. You don’t need a man to reach a climax – stroke yourself and with your experience heighten to a whole new level.” She needed a fix and she needed one bad so she did what she was told and still felt unsatisfied. She felt dirty, real dirty. She knew that what she was doing was wrong but she could not see herself free. She could not see herself happy and she ached to be loved. My friend talked to God and she was honest, she needed help and she knew from growing up in church that if God couldn’t help her no one could.  My friend changed her life, shut down access to her addiction and strived to be free. She called me the other day and said Mo I’m free. I’m really free.

There are people like my fried and like me all over world. In this society we have glorified sex. Sex is good. Shocker. It was created by God to be experienced between a man and woman to create a deeper sense of intimacy. Sex is two souls joining together and becoming one. The problem comes when individuals have sex outside of covenant, when they join their souls with multiple people. Once you join your soul with someone it’s hard to disconnect the soul tie.  Very hard. We have made sex such a big deal to he point we poke fun at those who keep their virginity. We justify sex before marriage with a car analogy even though a car depreciates after you drive it off the lot, sex is not supposed to depreciate- it’s supposed to appreciate. Sex is supposed to get better over time and it does with one partner over time. We want something good with no commitment. No strings attached but the souls of the individuals are attached, making this philosophy flawed. We need to reevaluate the role of sex in our society before we find ourselves a society of secret sins and addictons .

Mo
P.S My friend is closer than you think