Hello old friends, new followers and fellow bloggers-
Earlier today, I decided that I would not write another word to you guys until I have something to give to you. I sat on my bed and looked at the blog, feeling empty and drained and said to myself “Simone, you are done!” “You are burnt out and you have nothing to offer anymore.” Friends, for the past 2 weeks- it has been a struggle to believe God, to believe that He is good, that He has a plan. I’m witnessing this sovereign plan as we speak- I decided to take a year off from law school because that was what God was leading me to do. I rearranged my life to follow God’s plan- so I sit here in my room unemployed (seems like nothing will open up), lonely (seems like those in my inner circle are too absorbed within themselves to care), and slightly frustrated, because all that I have placed my hope in- has failed miserably. I have placed hope in so many things; people, places, dreams, memories, love and all of these things have failed me. I look back and I try to convince myself that God has failed me too, that He has lied, that He has given up on me- because if these things are true, I can walk away without one regret in the world- I can give up!
Giving up seems easier. Life is hard! It’s hard to be strength for others and have no one to pour into you. It’s hard to pray prayers of change and wake up to the same situation everyday. It’s hard to believe in people who prove on a consistent basis that they are nothing that you believe they could be, It is absolutely hard, to keep the faith all the time, to trust, to hope. So I decided that I was going to give up because giving up is easier- life will be easier. I was going to live by my own plan, not God’s hard cryptic mysterious plan. I was not going to be obedient to see nothing come to fruition, I was no longer going to sow seeds to see no harvest, I was walking away from life- accepting the defeat that was given to me. I was going to use my way out. I came to the conclusion that I have lost my hope I can’t write about something that I don’t have, I was no longer a prisoner of hope and that was ok…
The problem with this scenario was that the more I tried to accept this lifestyle, the more uncomfortable I became. I am known for being the person who has hope, regardless of what happens- I believe for the best. This new mantra did not fit who I was and I was starting to feel how uncomfortable this fit truly was. I sat on my bedroom floor and I cried my eyes out (I seem to do alot of that these days), and I weighed out my options.
Over the years, as I look back- God has always been there for me. When I almost lost my life in an automobile accident, He was there. When I was suicidally depressed as a child, He was there. When I was touched inappropriately as a little girl, He was there. When those I loved dearly walked away, He was there. When my ex-best friend slept with my ex-boyfriend, He was there. Every time I felt lonely, rejected, small, worthless and counted out; He was there. He has always been there and He is with me now in this awkward phase of life. He is my hope. I thought I lost my hope but I didn’t lose my hope because He is still with me and He is my hope.
I realized today that I have an incapability to give up. I’ve been through too much to throw in the towel and decide that I can’t do the God-thing anymore, too much. Living life separated from Him, makes me feel uncomfortable and as long as I got Him- I have something to hope in. I told you that I would write when I was inspired, in this very moment – I am inspired to keep moving and to keep climbing. Even though the mountain looks steep and it seems like my effort is in vain, I will not quit because I know that the one I hope in can carry me to where I need to be. He is my hope.
Thank you everyone for allowing me to be real with you. It’s refreshing to meet people who aren’t judgmental and can journey with you through life When the Enemy comes and says “Simone, you are all alone.” I can say “You’re a liar, I have people all around the world, people who don’t even speak my language loving on me and praying for me.” I felt ya’lls prayers today, and trust me I needed them . I love you all so much and thanks for reminding me who my hope was.
Until next time,