Hello old friends, new followers, and fellow bloggers-
Have you ever had that “moment”? You know that singular time in history where you had to conquer the tug-of-war between faith and fear? According to the calendar of heaven, this week was my week to engage in that tug of war. Let me tell y’all what happened…it’s an interesting story actually.
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you should be well aware that we are in the middle of a global pandemic named affectionately, COVID-19. With the rise of cases and a lack of a vaccine, we have been directed by our governments to take necessary precautions to stay safe. Those precautions include but are not limited to: quarantining, using hand sanitizer, and the wearing of the dope fashion accessory entitled “the mask.” The CDC has given us direction in order to save our lives and the lives around us.
Well on Thursday, July 16th at around 11:30 hours me and my work colleagues came in contact with a real estate agent. Our firm is expanding, so we are in search of a bigger space. Anyways, our agent met us at our new location and let us in. He was not wearing a mask… and since we were hopping in and out, neither was we. When we got into the location, we practice social distancing and stood more than 6 feet apart. We were in the building for less than ten minutes. We said our goodbyes and continued with our daily business. That was Thursday, July 16, 2020.
Monday, July 20th at around 10:00 hours we received an email from the said agent stating that on Friday, he received news that he tested POSITIVE for COVID-19. THEE COVID-19. Immediately sheer panic and fear entered the room. I mean how could someone not be afraid of a disease with no cure. For the first time in my life, fear seemed rationale. It was normal, considering the circumstance it was even deemed right.
How many of us have made fear the rational choice? How many of us have justified terror as right considering the circumstances?
I knew that 2 Timothy 1:7 taught me that “God did not give me the spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind.” yet in that moment, fear became acceptable. God wasn’t giving me fear, yet in light of all that was unknown, I was readily accepting it. The biggest test is not the scriptures we can quote, but how we apply them in moments of uncertainty, in times of pressure. I was feeling this immense pressure… the pressure to not be sick, to not make my family sick, and to not die unfulfilled.
What do you do when the possibility of death is staring you in the face? Do you cower in fear or do you believe in the Resurrection and the Life?
Like all great lawyers, I toughened up and created a game plan. First things first, I needed to go get tested. So, my coworkers and I found the earliest appointment that Monday to take a test: 3:10 PM. Once we took a test, it was time to self -quarantine. We cancelled court appearances, changed the format of consultations, and created a system to work the office from home. Next, I spent the evening telling people who I came into contact with what was going on so that they could get tested, especially my family including a really preggo sister. The last and final thing left on my list was to wait. I had to wait five to seven days for my results.
To be honest, waiting was the hardest part. There is just something so unsettling about standing in uncertainty. The thoughts that come are the worst: the anxiety of what-ifs. What if I’m not in the clear? What if this thing takes me out? What if my family gets sick? What if I have to be hospitalized? What if I die? The what-ifs are the worst and they come without permission. They come without warning. Like all terrible things with no mission but to distract, the what-ifs always come. They come and suck the life out of a person, leaving them drained of happiness, courage and grit. I was contending against the possibilities of things taking a turn for the worse. I was fighting against moments that did not happen, against that which was still unknown.
So, what is faith? I think faith is the belief that contends against the what-ifs. To me, it’s the fight to hope for that which is good in the midst of tragedy. It’s not the absence of fear but rather a response that says “I know what this fear is saying yet I am choosing to believe that good can come out of this anyway.” Every day from Tuesday until this afternoon, when a what-if shouted loud in my heart -I chose to believe in the goodness of God. I chose to believe that my test results would be negative, that I would be in the clear. I had no idea what was on the horizon but I knew God was with me and because He was with me, I could face the unknown. That, my dears is faith.
Today made five days since the date I took my test. So, on today July 25th at around 13:22 hours I received a call from the doctor’s office. My heart was pounding out of my chest as the nurse checked for my test results. My test results came back NEGATIVE. NEGATIVO. NEGATIVE!!!! For the first time in a long time, I exhaled. I allowed all of the breath I’ve been holding to flow freely out of my body. I now had tangible proof of all that I was believing. I now had evidence for where I placed my faith. God came through. He did. And he didn’t come through because I wasn’t afraid or because I was this perfect Christian. He came through because of his great love for me. He loved me enough to honor my prayer requests and to quiet the what-ifs. That’s the beauty of being covered by a good Father.
Are you afraid? Are you facing the unknown? Are you in a tug-of-war between faith and fear? It’s okay. In fact, that is normal. Here’s a piece of wisdom: Feel the tug of fear but choose faith anyway. Trust me, choose faith anyway.
Be healthy, be safe, and love your neighbor by wearing a mask.